Traumatized!

It's a curse, it really is! Every single damn year at Christmas, I hurt myself somehow. I mean, I've had dislocated ligaments in shoulders and wrists, sprained ancles, backspasms and that wonderful year where my throat was an open wound caused by overproducing stomach acids.

And this year, I god damn get a fiber rupture in my elbow. In. My. Sleep. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I am now a danger to myself while SLEEPING! How the hell did I manage that?! I go to bed feeling nothing but tired, I sleep, I wake up, attempt to stretch, and scream in agony.

So after being unable to unbend my right arm for about a day and a half, I finally decided to swing by the ER and make sure nothing was stuck. I mean, I knew that, sooner or later, I'd have to just bite back the pain and stretch it. I just wanted to make sure nothing would.. snap or something, when I did. I have no need to break a muscle in two, right now. A couple of X-rays and raised eyebrows by various doctors who didn't understand how the hell I managed to do this, later, I was drugged with painkillers, and told I'd just have to stretch it gradually till I could actually relax my arm and let it hang by my side.

So far, I've managed to do it 3 times. There's one point where it really hurts like it's being kicked by a racehorse. But once I get past that point, it's really not so bad anymore. I'm hoping it'll be back to normal by monday.

I'm contemplating if I'm too tired to mention the absolutely insane christmas night I had. After all the family stuff, it was like we entered the twilight zone. Helene got "married" to a friend, by a polish guy in my bar, while the local hero, the best boxer Denmark has to offer, was dancing with his mother right across the room, thoroughly drunk. A friend of mine attempted to shove his tongue down my throat, and we all went to The Rock to celebrate the newlyweds. Once there, a guy who had followed us from the bar, got escorted out for bothering customers, and the friend mentioned before, fairly drunk by then, completely overstepped my boundaries for physical contact, and got the telling off of his life. I've rarely been as aggressive as that moment, and chose to simple walk off and leave him to his stupidity and shame, rather then smash his face in or have someone else do it better then I could.

I turned down an 18-year old with a laugh and the sentence "Honey, you're not old enough to play with me!" which was totally awesome. Helene was kidnapped by a stranger, later known as Frederik, who lifted her up, carried her to the dancefloor - me running after him, hitting him in the back of the head with my waterbottle - and danced the heck out of her. I gave up trying to save her, and got caught myself, by a disgusting person who kept attempting to grab my ass. It was very cool that I could uphold my balance in 4 inch heels, and still look graceful, turning out of his grasp and keep on dancing at a distance from him. No falling or stumbling.

Oh yeah, did I mention my lovely little bat had a roast in a Toys'R'us bag in the coatcheck all night? My evening ended at 6.30 am, when I finally hit my pillow, after a couple of drunken calls from the friend who completely violated my personal space in his drunkeness. Needless to say, he is now being watched closely; further attempts at close proximity will not be tolerated. We're a couple of people who is now considering sitting him down and talking to him, cause generally he's prone to cross the limits of sociably acceptable behaviour, when it comes to touch. And we're a lot of people who're sick of it. The girls for having to tell him to back off, constantly, and the guys for simply being embaressed or about to give up on making him realize he's actually violating us. It's very small things, like stroking your back, leaning too close, touching your shoulder, but it's constantly, and if you try to move away, he follows. And retreating from someone is a very obvious rejection, not an invitation to try harder.

Ugh, now I'm getting aggitated again. I don't care, one more time and I'll kick him where it hurts the most.

Despite the tone of all this, I'm actually smiling happily..

And it's christmas yet again. Never really been one for this season. It's cold and wet, windy, there's too many people with too many shopping bags crowding the streets. You can go to the supermarket 4 times, break your back with the loads of food you drag home, and still, 5 minutes before the grand, traditional christmas dinner is served, you'll realized you forgot something.

"Christmas is about tradition. Family, friends, being with the people you love." Bullshit. Christmas is about food and presents. At least, that's what it's become. The only traditions firmly held alive in my family, is that I get to pick the tree, with my granddad. And sooner or later, I'll have to pass the torch; There's kids in the family again. Oh yeah, and the stress! That's pretty traditional too.

And this year, even I've been stressed. And I usually don't get stressed at all. I just work that much faster to make up for being busy. I've been responsible for all the game-prizes this year. I've taken care of the tree, the candy, the grocerylists, the organizing and communication. It's been hell. With snow and traffic being bitches the last few days, and my grandparents having to help my cousin with all the financial stuff for the new place, and mom just tagging along in stead of stepping up, it's been kinda on me. At least I don't have to cook. It'd disappoint people, grandma just cooks better then the rest of us, period.

My home is a huge mess right now. I simply don't have the time to clean up and.. refind my floor. I miss it, it used to be soft, walking through the room. Now I trip over hangers and discarded outfits. I want to take a full day out of the calendar and just scrub everything down! Right now! And I don't have time -.- I have 20 minutes till I'm leaving for the grandparent's, and who knows when I'll be home again.

Anyhow. Despite everything, at least December hasn't been that horrible. I've actually put a muter on my mood so I wouldn't annoy people with how.. I'm not going to say happy, just.. content, I am. I guess I just feel at ease, peaceful somehow. And I'm aware that a lot of people around me aren't, so I try to tone it down, though it's not that much fun to be in a good mood when you can't share it with anyone.

For some reason, every time I'm genuinely in a happy place, I'm the only one. I rarely have the space to really share my joy, without having to edit. There's always going to be someone who gets jealous, annoyed, sad. Someone who'll claim indifference or disapproval, someone who just doesn't want to hear about it. And it really kills it for me. I mean, I rarely ever want to be the center of attention. Mostly, I don't like to be. If I have something interesting to bid in with, then sure, I'll take the stage for a couple of minutes, but I'm perfectly fine on the bench, observing other people. But sometimes, there's just so much joy in me I feel like I'm going to explode. Emotion overload. I listen to so many people blabber on and on about their stuff, and I throw myself wholeheartedly into their pain or passion. I try to understand them. I just never really get that kind of response myself. I get comments and opinions, if there's even an interest in hearing me. There's attempts, but the difference between making it seem like you're listening and actually doing it, is so significant and obvious.

I'll rather tell the cat when I'm happy. With him, at least I can't tell if he's actually just thinking of the next batch of tuna he'll get, when he seems like he pays attention.

Let go of the wheel, let your mind take the passengerseat.

It's idiotic, that it takes the crumbling of one person, to make another realize their strength. A number of years ago, I was the one who crumbled, who didn't think I'd ever get back up. And if I got up, I would be less of a person then I was before. I was the one who truly believed I had lost myself to another person, that I'd altered everything, to make them stay just another moment. Even if that moment wasn't anywhere near the bliss we once had.

And I see this incredibly important person, in my life, who means the world to me, crumble. And I try to reach out and listen, I don't know if it does any good, but I'll be damned before I'll leave her to fend for herself. I know she has the strength in her, to get through her troubles, and I know she currently lacks the will. Not a day goes by, without me hoping a solution will magically appear, and I hope so feverently that things will turn to the better for her. I have to try and joke about it, sometimes, just to see her smile, when it all gets too serious, and I do my best to switch topics when I can see her choking up. And I just want to.. fix it?

It's not my place to fix anything. It's my place to stand solidly by her side, and let her know she has me, no matter what happens. I think she deserves better. I won't deny it, and it's no secret. I know how hard it is for her to let anyone in. And I don't think she ever really has let anyone in as close as she wants to. Or wishes she knew how to do. And we're so very alike, right there.

The other day, I had to hide how angry it made me, how mad her tears really made me. How I wanted to shake her and tell her to just.. hold onto herself. It's so important. Throughout all your life, so many people will come and go. The only thing you really know for sure you have from birth to death, is yourself. Everything else.. You may care about it, hate it, love it, adore it, not understand it or not believe it. But you're all you have in the end, and you HAVE to hold onto that.

I learned my lesson. But I learned a very good one. I learned that a person can survive, even when they feel so broken, blinking seems an unreasonable task. I learned that a heart heals, no matter how huge a chunk is taken out of it. And I learned, that no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it feels like you'll never be the same again, or even remotely close to mended, you will get to a point where you can look back and say "I'm glad I had that, for as long as I got to have it. It made me happy, and it hurt to lose, but the pain only confirms how many good things I had to mourn."

I wouldn't have truly been able to say this and believe it, six months ago. It took a person, so different from everything I knew, all the stubborness to match mine, who came in and said so simple words to me, that I felt like an absolute moron for not having thought it before. "Just shut up, stop thinking so much, and enjoy it."

I've been adopting a new lifestyle this past year. And I wish I could show the world how much of a difference it has made in my life. Enjoy the present, don't linger with the past. Remember it, fondly. It gives the most enchanting feeling of complete peace. It makes it so much easier.

A very few selected people know how hard it has been for me, that my best friend decided to leave our friendship behind. I don't think any of them realize that the emotion that takes up the most room in me, when I think of it, when I think of him, is happiness. Happiness for the fact that I got to have such an amazing person in my life for so long. Happiness that I got to be a part of his heart, and that I achieved letting him be a part of mine. Happiness that a person with such a dark past, has found someone who lightens his path in life. He's a stubborn brat, to me he always will be. But he so deserves to be happy. If he is so without me, he should get to be.

And yes, I miss him. I miss him a lot. He was the one I confided in, the one who talked me out of ridiculous ideas, and guided me safely through my momentary insanities. He was the one who made me laugh after a long day, and was honest about it when I fucked up. He told me I was a bitch, if I was, and he did so without fear of my anger or indignation.

He was my brave and proud lion. My fuzzhead. And for that, he deserves everything life has to offer him in joy.

And I'll never find that again. Your first real love is not something you can ever have again. It's impossible. But life is kind enough to offer you a back-up disc, when the system crashes. You just have to be patient and take the time to reboot and start over.

I never got over it, no. I probably never will. I'm glad I won't! Why would I want to forget the fact that happiness is out there, for those brave enough to take it? This summer, I took a chance, and I confirmed it. I was happy. I was ecstatic, even. I couldn't wait to see a guy, even when I just left. And what many people see as an everyday thing, getting butterflies, has been absent from my life for 4 years, but I got that back. I got it back by allowing it to happen, and I didn't care a flying fuck it wasn't a great love, or even had the potential to be, I just enjoyed it.

I think happiness lies in allowing yourself it. Whatever your method may be, whereever your key is to be found, it is there for everyone to grasp. No matter what happened in the past. Hoping, believing, achieving.

The burden of a cross

When we decided to cut contact, I took all pictures, all letters, all the little reminders down. The files on my computer that has to do with him, I put in locked folders. I took all his poems and the old edition of his book, and put them with everything else, every physical proof of his existance, in a locked box, in the back of my closet. The necklace his girlfriend got me last christmas, and the necklace I used to wear to always remember him, a cross with an angel wing hanging around it. Everything was put away.

It seems... impossible. To take 6 years and put them in a tiny box. It should be a whole chest, it should have its own room. But it's so small. So insignificant. It's just plain wrong. That such a big part of me, fits into this tini tiny box, when the memories and emotions barely fit in my heart and mind.

Some things have gotten completely unrealistic, this last year.

And now I'm wearing my cross again. Just to have him with me, in some form.

Reversed perspective?

This has been an emotionally intense day. Not really sure why. It's been about boundaries, for me, and the weird thing is I feel bad for the wrong thing.

On one hand, I have a friend.. Well, had one, anyway.. Who requested I no longer contacted him, awhile ago. And I've respected his wish. However, after awhile, I started feeling uneasy, not knowing if he was still okay. So the whole.. Cold turkey-thing, didn't last that long. Granted, I just check up on him from time to time, on the sites I know he's a part of, stuff like that. Just to see a recent update, to know he's alive. It makes it a little bit easier to breathe.

I don't really read what he writes, anymore. I find it a too direct reminder. Makes me miss his sense of humor and the discussions at 5 am. The inside-jokes from way back. Words like pudding, nuts and fuckerdoodle still makes me crack up. Well, nowadays it's more like... Hide the fact that I'm amused behind a veil of indifference. It's just easier.

However, a sentence caught my attention, about an old project of his, the other day. And I couldn't help wondering. So I read the post, and got through the whole damn thing before I even realized it. He wanted to re-do the whole thing, make the old comic again. Looking for a scetch artist and a graphic artist. But the old work was lost when the original site was shut down. So he didn't really have any examples of style.

I do, however. I used to think of myself as his back-up disc. I saved almost everything he made. Including a good bit of the comic. So I broke the silent agreement of no contact. And sent some of the old stuff to him. I pretty much expected him to delete it as soon as my name appeared on the screen, but since one of the pictures I sent is now on the forum I spotted the whole thing on, I guess not. He hasn't answered, and honestly, I hope he doesn't. It would kill me to get as much as a 'thank you', and then go back to pretending he doesn't exsist.

But I feel weird for not respecting his wish to be left alone. At the time, it seemed obvious to me, that of course I should send it to him, he made it, after all, and now needed it. But I went against his wish. And I'm not sure I'm okay with doing that.

Then there's a thing I should feel bad for, that I don't. That won't be a detailed story. At all. Sometimes I feel a little robotic, you know? Too tight, too proper. Too moral. And I've done something highly immoral, that I feel absolutely fine about. What's even worse, I've decided to feel fine about it in the future, as well. Live while you can. I'm perfectly happy with it, and I really shouldn't be, but who cares? Makes me a little more human than robot.

Oh yeah, on another (and entirely unrelated) note. My tattoo is, after 3½ years of impatience, finally done. And beautiful. And... scabbed over cause it's 2 days old XD Barely even hurt, this time. I think I said 'ow' once, and it sounded utterly bored. I didn't stir at all, except for when he sprayed the cleansing alcohol on it. T'was cold as hell frozen over. But I found myself to be very relaxed throughout the whole session. Well, maybe a little too relaxed, my foot fell asleep twice. And the tattoo artist actually at one point asked me "Tell me, doesn't it hurt like hell here, cause I'm hitting pure scar tissue?". And I just waited till the needle was gone, shrugged, and said that it was worse at the spine.

I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. The scar tissue was from the last time I attempted to get this damn thing. The guy who made it originally, actually got so deep into my skin he almost hit nerves. This new (and far more talented, not to mention experienced) guy told me that. No fucking wonder it hurt that much. He told me he was impressed I had sat there throughout that, cause he would've made a run for it. Well. Yeah, I really wanted to, it was painful as all hell. But I figured getting up, while having a vibrating needle stuck in your back, probably wouldn't make that much better.

I'm thrilled it has been fixed, now I can actually show my back again. With pride. And I'm no longer scared of having that buzzing tattooneedle near me. I've learned it doesn't hurt, in the hands of the right person. So from now on, if I should decide on anymore tattoos, I know where I'll do my shopping. Probably for piercings, too. And those I already know I want. My ears need a minimum of 3 additional holes.

So, enough for morals, corruptions of innocent minds, regrets and bodyart. I'm gonna attempt to make myself a dress tomorrow, or at least a skirt. Visiting the grandparents tends to keep me occupied. Till I go home again. Then I sit here in silence and ponder all the disaster I could cause.

Disasters make for good entertainment, when your tv is out cold, and your internet is too slow for your liking.

Getting closer by the minute..

So, I'm thinking it's time to do a status update or something. To see how far I've come on this whole selfdiscovery journey. The past year has been so turbulent I hardly know where to start.

I'm softer. That's the best damn word for it, though it doesn't even begin to cover the meaning behind. I don't tend to bite people's heads off as much. I develope more patience on a daily level. Even with children, though I still think most of them are annoying little bastards. I'm, if possible, more observant. I've spent so much silent time, observing people at a distance, for more then a decade. Now I'm learning to observe them up close. I'm fascinated by people, I have to say that.

There are still things I need to work on. I've gotten a long way with letting people in. Well, not too far, I still have my comfort zone, but I can only do so much on my own. Then there's the perfectionism and control issues. The perfectionism is definitely improving, things don't have to be flawless anymore. It still annoys me when someone sings the wrong words in a song, but I'm able to shut up about it now. The control is still there, and I've concluded I can't kick that. However, I'm allowing the capable to take it away from me, when the opportunity offers itself. It's very liberating, and I'm hoping, at some point, it'll help me to actually hand it over, as well.

Even my moral outlines, I've been able to blur just a bit. Striving for not-so-perfect. And it's everything I wanted it to be. I'm getting to the place I want to be at. And the femininity thing is working out better then I thought. I was originally going for a little more graceful, but somewhere along the road, dresses and high heels snuck into my closet, and my attitude changed along with it.

All in all, being selfreflective opens up a whole new world. A world where you don't have to be who people want you to be, and where you can be who you really are, as soon as you figure out who exactly that is.

I'm pretty confident I'm almost there.

Out Of The Ordinary..

I'm having a total freak episode right now. It's the oddest thing ever, and sort of scary and really wonderful at the same time. I imagine this is how it feels to be high, but I'll never find out.

My senses are hypersensitive. I can see these tiny little flecks of color all over, even if I'm looking at my white walls, or the white of the screen, or the grey of the carpet. Like there's little rainbows dancing over the whole room, but in so small scales that I can't really make out anything but the specks. Glimpses. Like a diamond catching sunlight.

And I can almost taste it, the color. Simple ice tea had me wondering if it had always tasted so golden. Warm and sparkly, yet still as fresh and fruity as it has always been. Like there's two layers.

And then there's this physical pull. Towards people I miss. A couple of people I've been thinking more of lately, and been missing, just as I've missed so many others before them. And suddenly, it's like a physical thing, like a magnet pulling me towards them, even seeing their names in writing or looking at something that reminds me of them. And I have to restrain myself from getting up and following it, stop myself from something that feels more natural then staying put.

And the sounds, still-standing air, like waves around me. As if it were moving on its own, just for my benefit, to make me crazy. So weird and complex.

A lot of things are that, complex. Like the way my mind is fooling me into thinking these hightened senses actually are there, when it's just a trick.

The burn of my blood, cooled by the air in my lungs, making me feel cold and feverish at the same time. Maybe I do have a fever, maybe that's what's causing this. Maybe my brain finally snapped.

So ridiculous, really. It's finally starting to look good for me, I'm being granted gifts in life I never expected, and then there's just this burning craving for more. Once it touches my path, I don't want to let go again.

Greedy little girl. Greedy. Greedy for what? More? Or something in particular? Something undefined?

A Shorty..

I'm tired. It's.. 8:48 pm, and I'm tired. I should sign up for a retirement home this instant. Been sewing all day, trying to get my costume done, and I still have like.. 5-6 hours of work left on it. So I guess I have to get up early thursday or friday and haul my ass back out to my grandmother, and finish the damn thing. Next time I decide to cover myself in plastic leafes, shoot me. Or remind me how much my back hurts right now, from sitting, bent over the damn sewing machine.

But only one day of work left, and it should be done. Grandma offered to do a bit of it tomorrow, so hopefully that'll ease my burden a bit. I'm looking forward to my future projects, but I'll demand to sit upstairs at a decent table and better chairs! More room, too. Next up is shortening my new dress, making a tulle skirt and at least two overlays to go with it. Schoolgirl skirts, gotta love them. And then I hope to be able to make a dress in the red plaid fabric as well, something along the lines of the inner part of the costume I'm making, maybe with more fabric at the bottom. We'll see how it all turns out.

I'v had a long but great weekend, though. Cirque Du Soleil, party at Simon's, losing track of my brother and having to call the police (yeah, long story, but everyone is found and safe!), and just hanging out with my brother and sister. It's been great, my siblings are really some of the best people I have in my life. All three of them ;)

It's gonna be a busy week.. Working tomorrow and thursday, finishing my dress friday, hanging out with the bat on saturday till my party in the evening, and finally relaxing on sunday! Yayness. And now I'm gonna follow my granddad upstairs and check out the new tv-signal. Cause I'm the only one other than him who thinks electronics and software is interesting, in this family. Except my brother, but he's not here right now ^.^

Longer update will follow.. At some point ^.^

To Knock The Wind Out Of An Angel..

Wow, okay, yesterday was completely crazy! So mom calls me and asks if I could please come to the café a little earlier then we had talked about. Sure thing, I got there and there stands my lovely brother! We had just been texting, and he didn't say anything about stopping by for my birthday, and suddenly he's just there! Great surprise, I was thinking!

So we talk, and I get flowers from mom and Tom, waiting for what I figured was my sister's arrival. And yeah, it was a little weird when my dear brother insisted on standing up, out by the jukebox, talking about what horrible music they still have, but hey, who am I to question why he wants to stand up for awhile. I just pulled out a barchair, sip my cider, and talk to him, it's so rare it happens. Which we really will change, we agreed on that.

Out of the blue, the door opens. And in comes a caravan consisting of my sister and her boyfriend, Helene, Lund, Lal, Sims and Geo, singing and waving flags in my face! My first reaction was total freezing shock. Then I screamed and hid behind a pillar XD Around me forms a circle of singing people, while I stand there, flabbergasted and completely embaressed about the huge amount of attention suddenly poored over me!

I had fucking no clue XD I mean, I knew Helene would be there later on, and I had come to the conclusion that mom wanted me there early, because of my sister, but the whole inner circle suddenly dropping on my head like that... I wouldn't have seen that coming if my IQ was doubled O.o

So my mom finally whips out this things she had been avoiding showing me for about half an hour, which was of course the video cam. So now I also have the wonderful event of watching my own reaction, coming up XD

Oh my god, and there were presents! A gift certificate from the guys, to my favourite book store! That is SO fucking awesome! Helene and Lund got me season 3 and 4 of Criminal Minds! (I guess they finally got sick of hearing me shushing them when they mention anything that happens beyond season 2! XD) And my wonderful older sister! We have been talking about travelling, going on a vacation, taking a trip, just anything, together, for years. And I've never been on an airplane. So of course, a weekend trip to Liverpool this spring is what she gets me!!!

OH MY GOD! :D I'm going to Liverpool! :D With my sister! YAY!! Like-you-wouldn't-believe-it-kind-of-yay! And a travel-savings-can that can only be opened with a can opener XD She and Lal then made a round in the bar, telling people about my present, asking if anyone would like to make a donation :D They must love me, cause according to my sister and Lal, quite a few people would very much like to, and did :D My amazing brother made his gift a donation of quite impressive size, too :D

And we had a wonderful evening, people got me drunk! (Still suffering a little bit of a hangover!) We played pool (or what you call that other game) and switched shirts, and danced (Yes, I danced! With total lack of balance! And there was laughing, and it was a really wonderful birthday :) My brother even stayed over, before he had to go to work this morning, and I don't think this whole thing could have been much better then it was :)

Thank you for a wonderful day, and what I know will be a wonderful memory for life!

Birthdays and bitches and pie, oh my!

Okay then! I'm sitting here with my dayplanner open, looking at all the stuff I'm doing the next week. Not to mention the next.. 4? weekends. So many plans! Parties, the circus, my birthday (on thursday! ... the 15th to be exact ^^), dinner plans.. Argh! Stressing!

I'm turning 20. My immediate panic about that has resided. Now I'm just stressed cause everyone seems to have plans for my birthday, that they won't tell me about -.- Deadly annoying, cause I don't know what to prepare for. The constant whispering in the corners is driving me bonkers, I believe the term is. And if it isn't; Now it is.

Been hanging out with the Bat two days in a row. Babysitting, watching movies, eating pie. Yeah, such eventful, exhilerating lifes we lead. But it's been fun, and we've been doing some talking. Some much needed talking, everything is a bit crazy.

And then there was the funny little bit from work, thursday night. This guy who's a regular that I talk to some times, a really cool guy actually, suddenly said something that was so spot on that I was shocked. Shocked that someone who barely knows me could say something so accurate about me. I was telling him and some others to get out of the pool-room so I could clean it and close up, and they were dragging their feet to leave, so I got firm with them. And this guy says to me "You've really grown into this, you know. Just 6 months ago, you'd have asked your stepdad to ask us to leave, now you show authority and do it yourself." I reply that of course, I can't just waltz in there and start ordering people around till people at least have a sense of me, till they respect me. And he smiles and says that it's nice to see a young girl like me, able to step into character when needed, and demand that kind of respect from people, that's it's nice I'm not just one of those girls who sit in a corner quietly. Then he stops himself, laughs, and corrects himself. "No, actually you do sit in the corner quietly. Observing. That's really cool, you observe so you know how to handle each person. People could learn something from you, on that account."

Then he leaves the room, and I'm frozen for a moment, before returning to my cleaning routine. That was freaky. It's EXACTLY what I do. No one has ever really spotted that, without knowing me, before. It's my way of.. How to explain it.. Get comfortable? Get secure? In a situation, a friendship, a location. It's how I operate XD A lot of people close to me knows, usually after I've told them. And this guy just sees it out of the blue. I'm flabbergasted.

My acting skills definitely need work, if an almost-stranger sees right through me like that. Those skills serve as a lifesaver. People who has gotten on my wrong side throughout life, knows what a deceitful little bitch I can be, working those skills to my benefit.

I should really be kinder. Kind was on the list of things I strive to be, I should work on that harder. But my inner evil needs to release some hellfire from time to time. So maybe I should just let it rest. For now. I can be a better person after Christmas.

On a Journey..

Rollercoasters. I've always loved them. The wilder, the better. I don't get why they're so often compared to life, though. To me, the fun part about roller coasters, is going down. And in life, the down part is never any fun. So it's a very vague comparison, isn't it? Contradicting, even.

Or maybe it's the unknown. What's behind the next bend or corner, versus what's the consequences of your next choice. Choice is a very sensitive topic, with me. My choices, my life. Your choices rule your life, directs what path you take. And I haven't been good at letting others choose my path. I don't think I should be.

I've been selfreflecting for months. Trying to figure out what my place in life is. In reality, I think I've known all along. I'm the kind of person who makes decisions. Decisions I don't necessarily like, but I know is necessary. I'm the kind of person who takes on a job with a dedication and vehemence as if my life depended on it. I combine logic with creativity to find solutions, then find the flaws and optimize them. I'm a natural leader, I know how to command without being cruel, and taking on repsonsibility comes easily to me.

The unknown scares people. It scares me as well. But fear is one of the things making me feel a little more human, and so I meet my fears the best I can.

And I'm very scared right now. I don't let it show, it takes an intimacy unknown by many, to get close enough to me to see that. If there's something I don't want to show, it's very hard to see. Possible, but very hard.

And what am I scared of? Time. The future. The past. Loneliness. My choices. It can take my breath away, sometimes I find myself hyperventilating and crying, cause nothing is solid, and I need something to cling to. But nothing is there.

Sometimes I think I would actually benefit from talking to someone. About the past. I'm not naïve enough to think I'm not scarred. Just a few months ago, it still scared me to be touched in certain ways. To be close to another person in any way. I still hold back on very innocent caresses, they often seem foreign and out of place to me. Some touches bring out memories I don't want in my head.

But a lot of that fear, if not most, has been healed. It's a weight off my shoulders, and I'm forever grateful for it. In stead of going rigid, I light up, I melt, I respond. And it feels natural to do so, finally. It's liberating, really.

I'm one step closer to discovering myself. And it's not a roller coaster all the time.

This Blog Has Nothing Important In It

How is it that such a short day can seem so long? I didn't even get up till noon. Granted, I didn't get to bed till 5, either, but still. It's only been 15 hours. Maybe I'm getting old, I used to be able to stay up for more then 24 hours, and even then I didn't yawn like I'm doing now.

Picking my nephew up was actually okay. He still talks my ears off, and he does get a bit overgeared (like all children do), but he didn't get on my nerves, and he behaved very well.
And my sister got her new sofas, so she's happy. Finally enough seats for more then 2 people and the dog.

Might be working a bit tomorrow. Depending on how busy it is. Definitely doing house stuff. My fingers are itching to do that. And I need laundry detergent. And cat stuff. And a couple of other things. Yeah, I'm trying to convey I have to do some shopping. Maybe I can find something to save my hair, too. It's going to revolt if it doesn't get cut, soon. No matter how long I want it to be this time, it's in desperate need of a trim. And honestly, last time it was cut was 11 months ago. Aka way too long. And yes, I'm aware I obsess over my hair, but I love it. End of story.

And now. Bedtime. Night guys.

As Sand In The Hourglass

Okay, done with the pity-party. I'm not dying. I'll be fine. I almost already am. I'm bitter at the world, but there's a new day tomorrow. A new day is a new chance to improve. And tomorrow will be filled with consoling, I don't have the option of being depressed.

Life goes on. And it's not like I wasn't used to the indifference, before. I can get used to it again.

Untitled... For Once.

Ugh, my head feels way too big. Not thinking just wasn't an option last night. So tired.

I really want to put the logic-hat on and not be sad, but even the results the logic-hat comes up with makes me sad. Despite everything, I got to be happy for awhile. I guess that's reassuring? I was starting to doubt I was able to. I was honestly starting to doubt I was capable of really feeling anything at all, and out of nowhere, here was a person who made me happy. Now I don't have that anymore, and that's pretty devastating.

Idiotic, isn't it? Getting so sad over this. Especially when I saw it coming a mile away. I just chose to ignore the inevitable, and be happy for a little while longer. For a while I had something to look forward to, something to enjoy, something that actually made me smile. Simple little things.. I've always liked the little things in life, the most. How a person would smile. How their laugh sounded. How they moved, or had little habits they didn't even notice they had.

And the simple little things is what I'll miss. Some things more then others. Sleeping next to him. That little snoring sound he makes, when he turns over in his sleep. Waking up unable to move cause his legs were completely tangled up with mine. That look he'd send me when I was being a brat. The "yes, but no" type comments. I'll miss those things.

And it probably sounds all wrong. Like it's more then it is. I've come to care about a person so different from everything I know, and letting go of a lot of the things I've grown fond of about him, is flat out no fun. I hate it. And all I really want to do is curl up in his arms and being surrounded by his smell, cause that's become a comfort to me. No matter how bad an idea it probably is. He'd even point out how bad an idea it is if I brought it up.

Back to handling things the only way I know how to; staying busy.

Emotionally Exhausted

I've come to a point where I don't know if it's worth it to hold on to my self respect. My sin, I guess, is pride. I've never been one to back down when I feel I've been wronged. If I don't stand up for myself, then who will? It's a matter of selfrespect. Of being able to live with myself as a person. And I can't do that if I feel walked all over, and do nothing about it.

A lot of the time, I can just hold my head high and ignore it, laugh it off. But if it's repetitive, or I go unacknowledged, I get angry. With anger comes stubborness, and with that, the pride. And what if I chose to not stand up for myself? I would surely get along with a lot of people, a lot better. They wouldn't run into this hardheaded proud bitch who won't take crap from anyone. Maybe I wouldn't chase them off. Maybe I'd just learn to bow my head and surrender to their will. That might even be good for my control issues.

It seems it's the male way of thinking, that my way can't cooperate with. And how many friends haven't I lost because of it? Because I won't bow. And it scares me shitless that I always end up left behind or utterly disappointed. Apparently, I just can't function in male company. In any way. Not even deeply rooted friendships can last, when I'm part of it. So I give up, I'm just not made out for it, and I really can't take another goodbye right now.

Every time I learn to trust someone, it takes them a total of ten seconds to ruin it, and make it all seem my fault. It's always my fault, somehow.. A person can only bear to hear that a number of times, before it starts gnawing and hurting and eating away at you.

I only have one me, and that me isn't very strong underneath, so I have to protect it the best I can. By standing up for it. Because that's what I do. I protect me, I protect my family, I protect my friends and my moral beliefs. That's where my value lies. So no matter how tempting it might seem to just let my integrity go, I won't. It's all I have.

Thoughtprocess of a child abandoned.

I had a conversation with my mom today. About my biological father. I decided years ago I didn't want anything to do with him. That was, of course, a result of being completele neglected by him from the age of.. what, 3? 4? I did see him. When I walked by the park he used to sit around and get drunk in, after school, on my way to the daycare center. Not exactly the kind of person, or rather people, since he used to be around other drunks, that you bring your friends around to meet. I don't remember much, to be honest, and the few memories I have of him are blurry or completely uninteresting.

He got into financial trouble, I was told, when I was about 8, and moved away. In the beginning, he called. Occasionally. I think that lasted for a couple of months. The last time I saw him was at my sister's 19th birthday, and I was mad at him for never showing up or calling, so I didn't want to talk to him at all. He moved again, and I didn't have an address or a phonenumber to reach him at, and I didn't hear from him again.

My sister still had contact with him. I wrote several letters to him, that my sister delivered for me. I never got a response. When I was 13, I had given up hope. I didn't really remember the man anymore, my mom had gotten a boyfriend who was more of a father to me then my biological one has ever been. Or even wanted to be, judging from his actions. I stopped considering him my father. After all, apparently he didn't want me.

I had spent 4 years thinking that. Asking myself why I wasn't good enough, and what the difference was between my sister and me, since he still talked to her. The letters I wrote to him were both angry and hurt, and filled to the brim with questions of why. Not a sound. Not a word. Nothing at all. So I wrote him off, and I think he was the final straw in my mistrust. I would love to say the man has had no affect on me at all, but I know very well where my lack of trust in people come from, and he is one of the two names, both names belonging to people in my family, that I would mention.

When I was 16, my sister had spent christmas with him. Usually, we don't talk about him. I don't see a reason to, I've even requested people call him by name if they have to mention him, and not call him my father. He isn't, to me. But that christmas, he had wanted her to say something to me, and my sister had the decency to ask if I wanted to hear it. I declined. I didn't have a need to rip all that up, after spending years working on my trust issues, which are still not gone today. She respected my wish, and the topic wasn't brought up till months later, where she asked me to please hear it for her sake, and then if I still didn't want anything to do with it, she wouldn't bring it up again. I agreed, for her. I love my sister, and I know how much it pains her there's no bond between he and I.

The message was that he wanted to take up contact again. And I spent a good long time considering that. Did I have questions for him that I wanted to ask, did I want to tell him how much he ruined me, how much I cried because I missed him? Did I want him in my life again?
And I decided that everything that I would want from him was a chance to let out the anger. After having done that, I would still turn my back and walk away. And I honestly didn't care that it would hurt him. But it would hurt my sister. And I don't want to inflict more pain on her. So my choice still stands, and I doubt it will ever change; I don't want to hear from him.

However. A couple of days later. I got a text on my cellphone. With an address and an open invitation. No name. I texted this person back and asked who it was, and got a response saying my father. It didn't turn out well. I got very angry that he dared to contact me after so many years, that he claimed to know where my stubborness came from, and that he even insinuated to know me the least bit like that.

The man doesn't know me. He might hear about me through my sister, but he doesn't know the least fucking thing about me.

He chose my name. And every time someone says my real name, I'm reminded of him, of how he betrayed my trust, how he ignored my pleading for so many years. Of how much he hurt me. This is why I hate my name. The name itself is fine, it's annoying to explain how to spell it every other second, but I don't mind it. It's what the name represents.

I can't talk about him without getting choked up. I hate that. I absolutely hate that he still has an effect on me like that. It makes me want to shake myself and yell at me to get the fuck over it. I don't show it a lot. It's there, but I'm not going to whine about it every other minute, I'd rather forget the man ever exsisted. But I can't completely avoid him.

I saw him on the street once. Years ago. I was with a bunch of classmates, and couldn't really react to it, but it shook me to the core, somehow, that I could run into him just like that. I always thought that, if I ran into him somewhere, I would be prepared, walk in a different direction and just ignore him. I kept my cool till I was alone that evening. He didn't see me. Or at least, I don't think he did.

Only a couple of months ago, my sister called me, to tell me about something. It was important, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Cause he was there. I heard him talking in the background. Then my sister told me about how a friend of hers had gotten jealous of me, because my sister said I was the wisest person she has ever known. The woman, who has never met me, started talking me down, and my sister defended me. And then he did the same. It might be nothing to a lot of people. To me, it is very insulting and disturbing, that a person who doesn't know me, defends me to a complete stranger. It's been a long time since I've been as emotionally disturbed as I was that night, and the following days. I was angry, I was annoyed, I was hurt, I was reminded of my childhood and a whole lot of pain, and I was so out of my mind I just wanted to be drunk for the rest of my life and never think about it again.

During the last couple of months, during my.. epiphany? about myself, I have come to the decision I want to be a happy person. I want to eliminate or shrink the things that are negative and which affects me in a negative way, cause the way I've done things so far, haven't gotten me very far. And very few months in, I see and feel it working. This is one of the things I can't eliminate. And I don't know how to shrink it. How do you attempt to erase the memory of someone who was supposed to be there throughout your whole life, throughout theirs, at least? And the hurt they inflicted?

I don't want to be the person I become when reminded of these things. This.. Needy, out of control, cold bitch, who seeks affirmation elsewhere cause she never got it where she wanted it the most. I'm not that person. I'm NOT. That person scares me, and I can't control that person. That person gets into trouble she can't handle, and leaves me to solve the problems it causes.

And even that stupid conversation earlier, about how I wouldn't go to the man's funeral unless my sister asked me to, how I wouldn't want to inherit anything from him, and how I absolutely do not want him in my life, was enough to call upon that person a little bit. To lure her out. I don't know how to control her, and the only person who used to be able to talk sense into her, is no longer in my life.

Hopefully, I'll be too busy at the café tomorrow, and caught up in the party friday, to give it much thought or action. I don't know if I can will it away, but one can try.

Wow.. so much space, so many words.. And that's just ONE childhood trauma.

Noob in training?

Ick, fuzzy in the brain. But okay, it's.. 4.09 am. Goodmorning sunshine. (Yeah, like I just got up. You know me better then that.)

Anyhow. Haven't been doing that much today. Drinking tea, gaming a little, went with mom to her doc's appointment, watching some stand-up and gaming some more. (Yes, I will become addicted. I'm slowly but surely getting there. I was counting, earlier, how long it would be till dinner was done, so I could get home and figure out the whole Abillity system.)

And then, I've been writing. Nothing that anyone will ever get to see, though. Just.. Well, smut. O.o Yeah, yeah. Shut up. Something popped up in my head and demanded to be written, it's how it works. Can't really filter the dirty stuff, it's just not as much fun for me :D

I've been thinking about the whole.. Neurotic behaviour thing. Yes, I actually do listen, and consider if stuff like that might be true. It's coming from a person who's opinion isn't tainted by years of absolutely loving and adoring me, (HAD to get that in at some point. It amused me.) and I have do admit it might hold some truth. I already know I'm very controlling. If I can control every aspect of everything, then that suits me just fine. Makes me feel safe. And I do try to control everything. Directions, actions, opinions, meanings, events and feelings. Most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.

And didn't I make an agreement with myself earlier this year? That the safe shit was over. That I need to take some chances in order to enjoy my life as it should be enjoyed. And then, here I go, crapshitting the hell out of it, anyway? Frustrating to no end, is what it is.

Relax, stop dominating the situation, step back, sit down, shut up, and just go with it. Trust. Trust the people around you. Even if you're used to being the one to trust. Even if you're used to being the leader. Other people can be leaders, too, and you're strangling them. Give them time and space to breathe. And enjoy the time off. Enjoy not having to be the one who's looked at a map before going somewhere, or having checked the busroute, or keeping the number to the 24/7 doc's consult.

I managed to stop correcting everything, all the time. I still do it sometimes. But compared to before? I even mispronounce stuff, and ignore it, not correcting myself. The whole Towel thing is only for the bat's sake, I only mispronounce that around her. Slightly on purpose. I don't even proof read my blogs anymore.

I try not to be perfectionistic and to feel comfortable about it, but I don't think I'll ever get rid of the control issue, all together. I enjoy letting go, so it's stupid it's so hard for me to do so, and it takes one hell of a strong mind to knock me out of my usual role.

I'm working on it.

And I may be the only one who sees the changes, but they're there.

The last step to nerdworld..

Happy birthday.

So, today has been a good day. I was really sick yesterday, and on top of a lot of fighting and discussing over the weekend, I was pretty fucking thrilled I felt good enough to see A by the end of the night. We got through another episode of True Blood, though I kind of missed the ending, like, twice. Lol. Yeah yeah, whatever, don't wanna hear about it: Don't read it.

Anyhow. Went for lunch downtown at a café, after of course pointing out my slightly psychotic controlling behaviour, just because I like knowing where I'm going. Pfft. I'm not psychotic. That much, at least. ... Fine, will try to work on that. (Ingrown behavioural patterns, point is I'm willing to try.)

I ate an omelet. Or, as much of it as I could. But I'm getting into the whole egg thing. Never really liked them before. Bacon does make everything better, though. Bit of shopping was done, and A. was splashed with water by a statue (don't even ask, but it was absolutely hilarious and unexpected!), and I was persuaded into getting WoW.

Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, someone finally managed to convince me to try it. Somewhat forced me, actually. Charming smiles and stunning eyes can apparently make me do almost anything ^.^

And now I'm waiting for the installation to be done, while eating my new favorite dessert. Tiramisu from my local italian place. Nom nom nom.

More sentimental crap..

This really is a weird time for me. Normally, around this time of year, I would be all about presents and post offices, and worrying about things getting there in time, and this year.. I'm finding it very hard to respect his wish to be left alone. It's just so weird! It's all fucked up and wrong. I should be there.

Really, what difference would it even make. We would both just complain about another event where I can't actually be there in person. Wanting to only gets you so far. He's probably better off without me, think of all the fighting he gets to go without.. Stupid thing is.. I miss him so much I even miss the fighting.

And at the same time I feel guilty, cause he's been right. I've had the best summer of my life. And I've been having a great time, doing all those things he hated me doing. I've loved every second of it, and I've loved not being judged for it. And isn't that like loving him not being there?

But I don't. I really don't love that part. There's still been times where all I've wanted to do, was tell him how happy something made me, or tell him about how much fun something has been, how amazing these people I've met are, and how I finally feel alive.

It's just not the same without him. I miss hearing about his work and listen to his wacky rants. I miss joking around with him. I could probably make a list of things I miss, but I know logically that it's better this way. For both of us. I guess this whole birthday thing is making me (more) sentimental.

I hope he's happy. He deserves to be.

The day it all began..

Today will always be weird for me from now on. As in the date, August 21rst. It would be 6 years today, 6 years of friendship. He's still missed, I think it's impossible not to miss someone you love, but it's getting a little easier. I don't really have to try very hard to stay distracted, cause I have plans all the time. Now I kind of miss KaZaA..

I was planning on staying at home today, expecting to be.. Well, quite unhappy. However, I was given an advice that I wasn't really expecting to work, but figured "What the heck, it can't be any worse then sitting at home all day, moping around." So I spent the night out, went home to entertain my very neglected cat for awhile, then took off to visit my sister at her work, (where I actually managed to shut a guy up who usually never shuts up, in a very funny way. My sister spluttered soda from my comment.) Now I've just finished up dinner, and when I'm done blogging, I'm gonna walk all the way back the same way I came home earlier, to hang out with the guys at The Little Café. Yup. And I haven't been the least bit moody, I'm impressed with myself.

You know who you are: Thank you for encouraging me to change it :)

Turning down the charm!

What an odd evening. Went to help closing up at the bar tonight, and quite honestly got hit on by some very weird people. But I'll get back to that later.

Been feeling crappy all day. I'm a little feverish and have a headache, and feeling nauseus since I woke up. Well, it never really went away after I got car sick last night, but the driving might have just acted as a trigger for whatever this is. But I have all weekend to get some rest, turns out I only have morning cleaning on saturday, maybe fetching lunch for mom, and then I'm all free to do whatever I please. Like watch that gigantic stack of movies I have next to the tv.

I finally got around to finish season 2 of Criminal Minds. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be, way too predictable. And not enough Reid.

So, I got to the bar tonight, feeling all pale and washed out. I was happy to see it was really dead, so there wasn't any rushing around or a lot of noise. I joked around with the regulars, mocked the stepdad, cleared the tables, avoided the drunks, same old, same old.

Then this.. Tiny, overly drunk woman from Greenland walks in. The first thing she does, after staggering over to the end of the bar where I'm standing, is putting her arm around my waist and leaning up against me, saying "Hello there, honey!".

...... *Twitch*

For those of you who know me... You know how I feel about people touching me uninvited. Especially strangers. My first reaction was to stiffen up and ask what on earth she was doing. "Why, cuddling, darling."

........... *Doubletwitch*

"Yeah, well, not with me." I very quickly untangled myself and fleed to the other room. 5 minutes of sitting there, minding my own business and my cellphone, later, this guy walks in. I know who he is, let's call him Bob, he works across the street at the 7/11, he's the manager and has been working there since the place opened. He and a couple of friends was there to have a whisky before going home after work, and we start talking. Mainly about the lack of available jobs these days, and about how he doesn't remember having seen me at the bar, though I'm more known there then he could ever imagine.

Anyway. He starts getting all flirty with me, asking about my age, commenting on how my hairdo looked nice, and I basically just ignore the flirting tone, cause that's what you do when a guy who's a decade older then you, who you have absolutely no interest or attraction to, comes on to you. I excuse myself to go out back and rearrange some stuff (And no, it wasn't just an excuse, I actually had some work to do) and the guy actually asks my stepdad if it's okay he takes a look at the back rooms. Just cause he's curious.

He wasn't so curious about the rooms, that's for damn sure, he went straight to the room I was in, filling sodaslots. (Makes it easier to do inventory later.) And he politely (yeah right) asked if he could help me, stood just a little too close in the already tiny room, took my glasses from me to try on, laughed about how drunk he felt from wearing them, and even fucking insisted on putting them back on me, without, and I quote "poking those pretty eyes with them."

................................ *Twitcherdoodle."

And he just wouldn't get out of my freaking way so I could get back out where the people, the lovely will-come-save-me-with-distractions-or-fists-if-necessary people. I had to actually push past him. And that was AFTER he put his arm around my shoulders to give me a hug.

He didn't get the point till he told me I was a really nice girl, and half stroked, half pinched my cheek, and I told him "Thank you, but please don't pinch my cheek, it's something grandmother's does. Actually, please don't touch me."

Ugh, and I thought the little greenland woman was bad.

Howling at the moon tonight..

Okay, so I'm a little scatterbrained. As per usual, I'm tempted to say. It's good, though, the thoughtfulness can be very useful. Except for when it kicks in when I'm looking at people. Bad habit, that staring it comes off as. A bit annoying, too, I was recently told it was a little creepy. It probably is. I don't know, I don't stare at myself intensely very often.

I'll be working tomorrow, maybe friday as well, depending on whether or not mom's bf's kid is visiting this weekend. Hey, no complaints from me, it means more money. Don't really have any plans saturday and sunday, which is boring as all hell. Oh, yeah, going to the harbour friday at noon-ish, to enjoy some of the (probably) last sun this year. And then seeing my sister and her bf on monday.

I'm restless though. I kind of feel like I'm waiting for something? I'm just not sure what it is, and that annoys me. I want a fucking job. With many hours. I'm bored. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with my friends and seeing my family and all that crap I have way too much time to do. But I hate sitting around doing nothing, being way too poor for my own good, and having nothing else to do then make a list of all my dvd's, sorted in genres, actors and titles.

On the other hand, I have time to work on my singing? I have been uninspired for quite a while, now. But I'm getting back into it, as I always do. Once again, I'm drawn in by Kate Voegele, and her amazing control of her own voice. I so want to learn it. So much.

And then I've been considering talking to my mom about some stuff. About the whole.. growing up thing. (I'd totally Peter Pan it if it was possible, 19 has been a good age!) Mostly about some differences I've been noticing about my own reactions and confused shit like that. I'm just curious, if it's all the teenage hormones settling down, or something fundamental in me as a person. Yeah, I want to have a mother-daughter-advice conversation. It's so cliché I can't believe it.

And then I'm back to the coiling spring of impatience. Ugh. I can barely sit still for a movie. Hercules. I love Disney.

My mind is nagging me.

Just when I think I can't get more tired, I do. Been hanging out with A the last couple of days. Despite the disappointment he had to face, which I hope he'll grow into liking, at some point, I have to say it's been an eventful time. I've met a lot of people, most of them absolutely hilarious, in the most fascinating ways, I've attended my first outdoor movie ever (which was one cold pleasure, we really need to be better dressed next time!), learned new things about people, been on the most horrifying bikeride of my life, finally got to watch the Harry Potter movie, and just.. yeah.

I've been home very briefly, very few times, this week. To feed the cat and change clothes, mainly. I have to say those two guys The Bat and I met at Wallstreet tonight were entertaining. Lame, but entertaining. Entertaining because of the lameness. And how obvious they were. BUT I WON WITH ONE OF THEM IN FOOZEBALL! .... I've never won that game before, I usually just knock over whomever I team with.

I could write a loooong blog about all that. But it's not really what's been on my mind most of today. I have always been one to follow my instincts, and when I woke up today, I did so with a firm, hard knot in my stomach. A nagging feeling something was wrong somewhere, with someone. That feeling has rarely failed me, it usually turns out to be true. I can never tell who or what, but it's usually people I'm close to.

It feels sort of like walking into a brick wall. BAM. Then it's just there. And it becomes so strong, my mind convinces me it's a physical pain, and it lodges in my stomach and ribcase. Ugh.. What is it. It makes me miss the friend it used to be about. I really do miss him, trying to be cool about it and not show it too much. But it defintely ungrounded me a bit.

*sigh* Well, I'll be working some of tomorrow and sunday. It was really busy tonight too. Lot's of young people, good tips. Which was painfully needed. Next week will probably be filled with plans before I know it. Hoping to fit in that haircut I'm dying for. Will probably find myself face to face with a serious talk, too, but I was expecting that. The question of definition in all its frightening glory, or something.

I'm going to grab the cat and hit my pillows. I could use a Harry Potter object right now, a Dreamless Sleep Potion. My mind is working overload right now.

Silly little girl over and out.

Just can't help myself..

I. Am. Beat. But in the amazingly good way. In the way that tells me I'll sleep really well tonight. Soon, actually, I'm barely still sitting up straight. It's been a good couple of days for me. The weekend in Jutland went by decently serene. Kattegat Centret was all that I thought it to be, and more. We saw the sharks getting fed, one of them looked like the freaking bad guy in a Disney movie, all teeth and evil grins. I loved that one, but it was scary as hell. I got The Bat a shark tooth, cause I know she loves sharks and really wants to visit the place, too, and figured I'd get her something cool from it, at least.

We ate at McDonalds, lol, and I have to say I'm disappointed in McDonalds, Grenå. The theme for toys was Ice Age 3, but they didn't have anything left!! I wanted to get Zith for The Bat, and possibly Scrat for A, just to be a silly little pest to them, and then the damn place is out of toys! Bugger, Jack Sparrow style.

The hostel was.. wow. It was interesting. It was a huge, red, brick building, with long hallways, doors on either side so it looked like a school camp or something. Vending machines with soda, a shabby old shuffle board game, and a foozeball machine filled the open areas. The room itself was tiny. Really tiny. Like, half my room here at home, tiny. The beds folded down from the walls, and created two bunk-bed-like environments. If that wasn't enough, they had mannaged to stuff a closet, a dining table and 4 chairs in there. And the smallest flatscreen tv I've seen in my life.

And something was wrong with either the toilet or the drain in our bathroom, so the room smelled really interesting when we got there. I never want to sleep in such a small room, with 3 people again. Especially not when one of them snores.

On the positive side, I went for a walk in the nearby forest with my stepbrother, with a flashlight, hunting for badgers, really late at night. Which was actually really nice. We talked and laughed and was disgusted by the amount of snails on the trail. It's still weird he's suddenly a teenager. I don't know if I can get used to that.

Sunday morning we got up really early, to eat breakfeast, pack up, check out, and get to the amusement park. Best one I've ever visited. The Pirate, the biggest, fastest roller coaster in Denmark.. It really really lives up to the expectations. F*** it was fast. And fun. And the guy next to me screamed more then I did. He was funny as all hell. Aka, he totally panicked on the way up the hill, and directly told me he was a wuss at roller coasters. But it was worth the 30 minute queing time.

We got home at around.. 8? in the evening, Sunday night. I had to make a stop at The Bat's place, to calm her down, stop an explosion from happening. But she's all better now, which is good.

Monday I went to pick up the furball at the grandparents'. And he had obviously missed me, but he always seems to do, even if I've only been gone long enough to fetch a coke at 7/11. Then I went over to A, and we had a great evening, talking, laughing, gaming WoW (which I've been avoiding on purpose, cause I just know it has the ability to suck me in and addict me!), and eventually decided that staying up late and me sleeping over, was much more fun then him going to work in the morning. We didn't get up till noon (mhmm, luxurious sleeping habits, I know,) and after getting some breakfeast and poking the sleeping lion, (or rather tickling it, and it's a dragon... Consequences be damned, it's too much fun :D) I finally had to surrender to my plans for the day. Saying goodbye in the door has a whole new meaning, now. ;)

Anyways. We got cleared out most of The Bat's apartment, now I actually think there might be room for the boyfriend when he moves in with her. We threw out a lot of things, and stuffed a whole lot more in the basement, and even put up some different curtains. The orange ones were just.. horrendous. Pizza and some stand-up to wrap it up, and it's a day. I am tired. Tired but very very happy.

And too kind to Rhinos.

Insert Clever Title Here

Mmm, listening to All I Need by Within Temptation. How I love that song, it's so powerful you almost feel wind in the room. Or I do ^.^

Closed the café last night. People were pretty damn slow about getting their asses out the door, so I had to get a little firm with them. Apparently my adorably charming self don't shine through my firm way of handling slow people. Go figure.

Dropping the cat off at the grandparents' later, he's staying there over the weekend while I'm in Jutland, playing house with the family. I'm going to see sharks up close, I'm pretty excited about that ^.^ And waterslides sunday. Hopefully they won't be as life threatening as the ones last time with The Bat.

Ugh, I'm annoying myself. I'm super impatient, eager to DO something, and at a total lack of what that should be. I'm BORED. And that damn bike-race is all over the place. It's like I'm constantly waiting to do something, that I don't know what is. I want to work, dammit. And there's no work to get. I want to live at the cinema and watch all the movies that's playing. But I can't afford that. I'm tired of being poor. And bored.

Okay, enough bitching. Something positive. No, wait, there's one more thing I want to bitch about. My artistic abilities are totally dwindling! Seriously, I'm unhappy about my singing, my writing either sucks or just won't come. I'm uninspired. That, my friends, is sick. It actually makes me feel all surface, no depth. Which is ridiculous, creativity has nothing to do with being shallow, but when what I'm usually passionate about suddenly won't cooperate, it's like being pushed to the surface of myself, and I can't get back down. Insert angry, frustrated noise.

Okay. On the positive side. I might actually be able to afford that haircut I've been talking about for the past 3 months. I don't know why I didn't think of the school for hairdressers before. Less then 100 dkk for a haircut, yay ^.^ And yeah yeah, I know it's students who'll cut your hair then, but honestly, the best haircut I've ever gotten was by a student. So I'm optimistic.

Could you all please cross your fingers that this weekend won't be hell? I get along fine with my stepbrother, but our parents can really fucking kill any positiveness when they get going. I'm gonna have to pack my funny-face later, cause someone has to be the cheerful center, if we're all going to make it through the weekend. Or I'll just grab the kid and leave them to their bickering. Hopefully the hostel has a pool or something. Naw, it's Jutland, I won't get my hopes up for a pool. I'll be lucky to even have electricity.

I'm looking forward to The Bat's party. Whenever it'll be. Getting drunk seems like a good solution to any problem, right about now. Well, that or a suitable amount of dynamite.

Insomnia: Part 1

Mmm.. I'm really restless right now. Incredibly tired, unable to sleep, and very, very restless. It's too quiet in here. The cat isn't even annoying me, he's silent and out of sight. (Which should worry me, he's probably up to trouble.)

I'm in a very odd mood. Don't really know why, I had a great day. My sister and her boyfriend came over for coffee, and we spent a couple of hours together. Talking about her vacation in Spain, while her boyfriend and mom's boyfriend beat eachother in pool.

I finished my book, which is the only sad thing today. I know, I know, it's the third time I read it, but now I'm back to my Anne Rice dilemma. I just can't get through the damn book, I've attempted it like 4 times already. I could re-read the Hobbit, which I actually already started, then got distracted from it. Only a couple of chapters in. I don't know, I feel like reading a good vampire book, but not one as heavy as Anne Rice's. I'm indecisive.

I got through some laundry, which always makes me happy, cause I tend to push it off, laundry isn't my favorite chore. (It's better then dishes, though. I despise doing dishes.)

And then I spent a little time with A, which is always great. I like. Got home a little past midnight, which isn't too bad, I'm getting up early. Couldn't exactly foresee the lack of sleep I run into from time to time.

It's that, it's the lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking too much. That killed a little of the otherwise good sunday. I'm not even sure what I've been thinking about. I zone out of my own thoughts, that's rather disturbing.

I'm not good at not knowing things. I'm trying to come to terms with it, to just accept that I don't always need to know everything. To knock into my own head that I can't predict the future, as well as I can't always plan it, and that's perfectly okay. But it's difficult to change behavioural patterns that has followed me since childhood.

Life can be bloody difficult, sometimes. And right now, it's really not. What's difficult, is understanding the whole thoughtprocess of moving from one point to another. The conscious and unconscious ways we deal with things, and how those things affect us. How they can pull out memories from the past, and make us behave one way, or be so new and different to us, we have to find new ways to handle them. How they make us grow.

Yeah, I know. It's bloody late, and I'm babbling again. I don't always see how the dots connect, myself, before I suddenly reach the final point. I can't always explain how I connect one thing to another in a splitsecond, and connect that new thing to another. I can start out with the color red and end up talking about how funny the danish word for biscuit sounds, if repeated enough times, slowly. And in my head, it will make perfect sense how I got there from just the color red.

That's pretty much how my mind works. I hear or say something, and my brain suddenly explodes with a million thoughts, images, sounds, smells, reasons, connections, some of them flashing too briefly, too quickly for me to grasp onto.

I've been told I sometimes seem less intelligent then I am. Not because I say stupid things, which I'm sure I do often, if I'm not mumbling or stumbling over my words cause I get too eager to say them properly. But because I don't say something, often enough. Probably true. I prefer having some time to think about my answer, before giving my opinion on a subject. Because, presented with a subject, my brain tends to do the explosion thing. And it takes a little while to gather enough of the splinters to form a coherent sentence. No, not sentence. Meaning. To get my point across in a way that others understand, something that isn't just every fifth dot in my brain. There's so much to say. So many things. And I'm so bad at explaining them to those who don't get how my mind works.

It's a constant overload of information, emotions, knowledge.. My mind is chaos. I should draw you all a map.

For sentimental reasons..

Ahh.. First day of not-so-completely-sore rest since.. Wednesday? I don't even remember. I've spent the entire day relaxing. Reading. Changing sheets. (There's nothing better then the feeling of slipping between crisp, clean sheets and falling asleep.) And I think that's the only productive thing I've done all day.

Last night at L's was a lot of fun. And horror. But that was mainly do to some very unexpected people popping up out of nowhere. People I haven't seen in years, and for the life of me didn't think would ever show up, among the people I call friends, today. The noise eventually caught up with me, and I fled for awhile, and spent some time just talking to some of the guys, about this and that.

Especially the talk with L himself made the night worth it. I have to agree with him, I've really enjoyed my friendship with him lately, it's in a good place. And he got me more naked men from Italy. David's. I can't complain about that.

The whole family vacation thing is kicking off on monday, and I'll be away for at least 3 days, stuffed away in a hostel in Jutland. Not that I'm not looking forward to it, we're gonna visit some places I've been talking about since I was a kid. But I do have a preference for Copenhagen. And the people here. I'm going to miss them. Even for just 3 days, yes. (3 days with my family feels like a long time. A loooong time.)

Okay, the soreness? I think I really do need someone to straighten out my neck. It sort of feels.. too tight? Like the muscles have shortened considerably. Nasty sounds coming from it, too.

What else. I know there was something else I wanted to spout a bit of venom about. Heh, spout venom, I like that. I don't really have the patience for the people who annoy me, and so I've decided them disappearing makes me a lot happier. Yup. I didn't know that worked till recently, but if it works with one, why not with another, right? Yes, I generalize when I'm fed up. Why bother to deny it.

I'm just.. getting really tired of always being.. Powerless. I hate.. HATE when others make my decisions. I think I've brushed the subject before, but it's very very deep in me. Recently, someone I considered a very very close friend of mine, decided he no longer wanted to be part of my life. He couldn't accept who I have grown into. Couldn't accept my behaviour, or the people he considered dangerous for me. People I call friends.

Everyone makes mistakes. And I have friends who have made several. But I always give people a chance. If. If certain.. demands? are fulfilled. Recognition, repsonsibility and remorse for their mistakes. If I see those three things, if I feel them honestly expressed from a person who has wronged me, I'm willing to forgive and let them have another chance.

This one friend is very strict and consequent. He doesn't believe in second chances, and we've always been different like that. His life has brought him to believe firmly in one thing, mine has been kind enough to show me another. That's just how it is. I accepted it a long time ago.

During the past 6 months or so, that difference has, however, become more and more of an issue. It has torn and ripped at the edges of our friendship, and I've hated every second of it. I could feel it growing into this massive wall between us, a wall of annoyance and animosity towards eachother. It's been.. devastating. I've sought comfort in other friends, which has probably just pushed us further apart, to be honest.

I used to have a very clear view of how to handle rifts between us. I used to be better at it. But my wants and goals and beliefs have changed so much since then, my attitude, my way of handling things and the way I want to lead my life, has changed. My former wish to mend the pieces, to fix the broken, to rebuild the shattered is no longer there. Cause it feels like it's all that I'm doing.

And haven't I been sad for so long, that it's always the same, that I've been completely unable to move on from my former life? I'll turn 20 this fall, and I still feel like I'm an insecure teenager in school, sometimes. Unsure of the present, unsure of the future. Even unsure of the past. I've been dying to move out of this role, this worn out, tired child who's so lost in sorting everything out, that she's missing her chance to form something new, something beautiful and untouched.

It's probably been the best for us for awhile. To break up the friendship and break up the past, and move on. Even if the feelings behind it all has changed so much over the years, the memory of what they were would always haunt us. So maybe this is a good thing.

I'll miss him. I really fucking will. It hurts to think that someone I've been so close to for so long, will no longer be around. I love the guy to fucking bits. Even the things I can't stand about him, I love. And I've never cared about anyone else like that. It's beyond anything I can even explain, it's like a part of me and like the family you choose yourself, all in one.

I could choose to hate him for this. I could choose to try and ruin his life. I know so many things I could spell out to the world, prove to him you can't trust anyone. I won't. He probably don't read my blog, and he probably couldn't care less. But I find it necessary, feel it necessary to state this. To promise this, to him and to myself. You've been worth too much to me to ever do that to you. No matter what, fuzzhead, things and words passed between us, will for my part stay between us. You don't have to trust it, or to trust me, but this promise will be carried out. The things confided in me will stay with me.

I removed all reminders of him, the other day. It hurt to be reminded of what has been lost. Honestly.. I started hardening myself last time, when I thought it would be the last fight. I knew it wouldn't be long till he cut me off for good. When the quietness began.. I just knew it would be that much sooner. I disconnected as well as I could, from then on, so it wouldn't hurt that much. I collected all photos, old emails, bits and pieces and my necklaces, and put them in a locked box in the back of my closet. One of these days, I'll remove everything from my computer as well. Put it on a disc, put the disc in the box. I know I'll one day regret it, if I completely delete him from my life. Some day, when I'm all grown up and married with kids or whatever, I'll be glad I can open the box, and look back upon that time of my life, fondly.

Or so one can hope. I'll miss you. I'll always love you. And I wish the best for you in life.

Amin mela Lle. Angel.

Ugh... Ow..

So friday night was spent pathetically. Or at least, that's what we agreed, personally, I found it a rather entertaining way of spending a few hours. Walking in the rain, a milkshake in hand, talking about the troubles of life. And jumping in rainpuddles ^.^

I've rarely been as soked as when I got home. If I wriggled my toes inside my shoes, a little fountain of water found its way out of the hole in one of them. I went to bed early, and got up at freaking 7:30. The ride up to the park was entertaining; we have some pretty damn ridiculous city names in this country. The weather was rather temperamental, the rain wouldn't really fall and the sun wouldn't break through, and the wind was a little on/off-ish.

I remember it as if we spent half the day jumping. Those two boys simply loved it. The other half of the day, I remember being sore from various waterslides. I'm glad only the two of us went in there, the kids would have gotten freaking killed, it was dangerous as all hell. This one slide, was straight ahead with a lot of bumps. You couldn't control how fast you went, you had water flying in your eyes and nose all the way down, so you couldn't see when you'd hit the water, and you couldn't breathe. And you got slung so fast into the water, you really got some bumps and bruises from it.

Now, I thought THAT was a bad slide. Then we went for the ones without the bumps, but also straight, not even very steep. Oh. My. God. It went twice as fast, you couldn't even stay sitting straight, you got flung from side to side and went sideways for most of its length. Again the problem with water getting flung into your face so you couldn't see or breathe. And then. The bottom. Helene got her head smacked into the slide before it slung her into the, way too shallow btw, water. Her arm got scrathed in her attempt to slow down. Myself? I got scratches on my elbows, my butt will never be the same again, my hand got twisted and still hurts like hell, I have a long scratch on my knee, and I have a bump on the back of my scull from my head hitting the bottom of the pool.

Fucking. Ow. And on top of the injuries I acquired there, my muscles are really freaking sore from running around and trying all kinds of rides for 5½ hours. (I just realized how sore my neck is, too.) Not at all a child-friendly waterworld.

Anyway. I fell asleep early. It pretty much hurt to even lie down, though. I need a massage-person. Someone pro, who knows how to straighten out my body. I feel like a pretzel, and not in the good way.

Today, I.. stayed in bed for quite a while. I had to give in to the sounds my stomach was making, eventually, though. I would've gone without food, had it kept quiet. Getting up simply seemed too painful XD But I managed, and once I got moving, it wasn't so bad. Spent the afternoon reading at mom's, ate dinner, and now I'm home.

I'm generally looking forward to tomorrow, as long as I'm not required to drink too much. I'll probably still be sore, I don't need to be tripping over things, too. Maybe I should check facebook for what time it even is. But Lal, welcome home ^^ Glad I don't have to clean up the house afterwards :D

P.S. I got a naked man sent to me from Italy.

Display

Yesterday was announced official "Men Sucks" day. At least between the bat and I. Mainly for her sake, really, but the idea was wonderful, and I decided to support it. (That way, she got to fume and rage, which she really fucking needed to do, or she just might have attacked someone with a frozen eggroll.)

Allthough it presented a nice opportunity for myself to fume and rage a little bit. I've been holding anger in for a week, it would have exploded at some point if I didn't let it out. Thankfully, my anger was met with total understanding. One thing that has really bothered me is the mentioning of my name. In public. I don't mind a person yelling at me, having a problem with me, discussing this problem and calling me a bitch to their friends, if that's what they want. But to be as disrespectful as to put my name out there in such a negative way... That is infuriating.

Note that, in my blogs. I might be severely angry with someone. I might want to seperate their heads from their body. But I do not mention their names. If I mention a name in a blog, it's in a harmless or happy situation. I don't put people on display.

And that is yet another problem I have with a person I, quite frankly, have gotten along with like shit, as of late. This infuriatingly disrespectful person.

I have acknowledged the fact that I did something, or rather I neglected to do something, which hurt this person. I acknowledged and apologized for my mistake.

Through this whole.. disagreement, in lack of better word, I have been disrespected, ignored, pushed, yelled at, put on public display and tolerated demeaning behaviour.
Through this whole thing, I have heard excuses, explanations, rationalizations and looked at fingers pointing to me.

Not once. Not once have I heard or even detected an apology. Not once has this person said to me, "Okay, I shouldn't have pushed you into telling me."

Not once have they acknowledged the fact that they never had the right to push me. That if I chose to tell them, it would be because I wanted to, in my own time.

Time. All I needed. And no. Caring isn't an excuse. Being interested in my life isn't and excuse. The second the words "I'm not ready to talk about it yet." left my mouth, they should have been respected. And they weren't. And I do not tolerate that.

Pushing me, after me having said that, is a way to get what you want yourself. That had NOTHING to do with caring about what happens in my life. When you push a matter I've said no to, claiming your RIGHT to it, you're robbing me of my freedom to do or say what I want. THAT is where I get that point from, because that is how I see it. As an attempt to rob me of that freedom.

So no, I will not "talk this out" or "listen to an explanation". Until there's a true, honest acknowledgement of YOUR mistakes, YOUR responsibility and YOUR misjudgements, I will not listen. End of story.

What a feeling..

Rain! Yay, finally! A little less sneezing now, if I'm lucky.

Anyway, it's been a weird couple of days. Been arguing with some people, hanging out with others, and been with the family today, planning our trip this weekend. I was supposed to ask a friend to join, but since I'm not getting along great with this particular friend, these days, I convinced the grandparents to invite Helene. It'll be great, I'm really looking forward to the waterslides, so I'm hoping the weather will behave.

Hmm. I've been considering some things about my cat, lately. I'm not home as much as I used to be, and I'm starting to feel really crappy about leaving him alone so much. When I'm finally here, I'm tired and easily get annoyed by him. It's not really fair to him. So I did the research today, about getting him replaced, cause he's only 3 years old, he's pretty much a big kitten.

When it got down to it, though.. I keep returning to the mental image of actually letting him out of my arms, turn my back to him and leave, and it just breaks my heart. I don't think I could do that. No, I know I can't. Annoying, furry and noisy as he is.. He's my baby. I've taken care of him since he was 10 weeks old, he could sleep curled up in the palm of my hand.

I can't, I just can't. I've decided to make more time for him in stead. He won't eat that much when he's lonely, and I don't like he's been losing a little weight. Not much, maybe a pound, but for a 11-12 pound cat, it's a fairly big amount. Maybe I'm just worrying too much, he's lost a little weight and gained it again, before, I just don't like it.

So, after.. I think 2-3 months careful consideration, I've come to the decision I'm just not ready to leave my furball behind. I can't imagine never being woken up by being poked by a paw on the nose, again.

I think I'm coming down with something. I've been feeling odd for awhile. (The carsickness I've been having lately doesn't help. I get nausea from 5 minutes in any road-driving vehicle. Which points me to believe the allergy pills didn't really have anything to do with it, other then intensify it. The nasal spray, while a hell of a lot more uncomfortable to use, works better and faster. And I don't like pills in the first place.)

Can't figure out what's causing the motion sickness, though. I haven't had it since I was a kid, and even then it was only when I had to go far, and now I suddenly suffer from it several days a week. I wish I knew what's causing it.

But back to my point about feeling sick. Today I actually had to go and lie down after very suddenly getting sick. I was just glad I hadn't eaten much to begin with. I had an intense pain going on in my stomach that made it pretty much impossible to get comfortable, and I ended up having to take some painkillers for it. (I hate doing this because I've grown somewhat resistant to these pills, during a fun little year of suffering from migraine, and in order for them to work, I have to double the recommended amount. Not exactly healthy.)

And I can't figure it out. I'm eating as I should, watching the acids and grains, getting my vitamins and all the other crap rules I have to follow to keep my stomach acid in check and my immune system and vitamins at a decent level.
I'm, despite what people tend to think, getting the excersize I need, I walk a lot more then most, and the whole staircase thing definitely does its work on my legmuscles.
I'm watching out for draft, cause the summer tends to be so hot I don't notice it, and end up getting cold anyway, and my body really does not like cold.
I don't feel overly burdened or concerned about anything, so I don't think it's that either.
And that's pretty much the things that usually affect me. So I'm out of guesses for now. I'll probably figure it out if I get more odd symptoms, I just hope this feeling of.. unwellness without really being sick, I guess.. Won't interfere too much with my plans for the next couple of weeks.

And I've babbled enough for now. I wanted to write this little philosophy I've gone over in my head lately, but I honestly think I'm too incoherent to produce a proper snippet about it, right now. So that's all you get, guys. Night.

*Sigh* What- fucking -ever.

I should be angry at the moment. I should be furious. Or sad, maybe. Confused, perhaps. My wish to not be a bitch holds me back slightly. But honestly, I've cared too many times to care this time. I'm just not going to get worked up about it.

I'm not going to be hateful. I might silently be hating right now, but I don't have the need to express it further then that. There's just no reason to do it, so why bother.

Indifference. That has to be the keyword. I am however, going off everything the least american. Bye bye Oreos.

*Shrug*

Phuket, Thailand.

Peace in mind..

Today has been a long, hot, uneventful day. I've been tired as all hell since the moment I got up. I only caught a few hours of sleep late this morning, but I guess that's the price of sleeping in a different bed then your own. Never been good at that. Then again, it might be the presence of another person, I'm not used to it, it only happens rarely that I crash somewhere, but I guess I'll grow into it soon enough.

Of course, the damn heat doesn't exactly help. Wearing anything is almost impossible, but you still have to cover yourself enough that you don't end up getting sick in stead. The nightly walks sure do help. Till you get back inside, of course.

Going to the harbour tomorrow with the hobbit. We don't know if we'll be swimming or anything, yet, but lounging in the sun with a gallon or two of sunblock is always fun. Besides, I think she's bored out of her mind :D

She was close to ecstatic last night, though. Did the boogie in the middle of the street, cause she got to meet a guy I actually like. Wait, what?! Angel, liking someone?! That happens?! Yes, apparently it does. Catching me on a good day and being persistant pays off, it seems. And I'm not even scared about it, I'm just thoroughly enjoying his company.

What the fuck was my problem even? XD Maybe it just takes a special guy to handle me, to make me behave. Misbehaving without consequences gets boring, so I'm glad to see there's people out there who can say no to me, without trying to control me. It feels good :)

Anyhow. Moms health is better then we thought, and hopefully this treatment can help the pains. She seemed relieved. I'm relieved too.

I think this will be a good summer :)

Freedom

Ah, so life goes on. The last couple of weeks have been a hurricane of happenings, really, but I do love a nice, strong wind. Makes me feel alive and all that clichéd crap.

People have been a major part of a lot of the changes that has taken place around me, lately. Whether it's been changes in their lifes or their impact on mine, interaction have been the headline of my life. At least for the last couple of weeks.

But what has happened, you may wonder. Or maybe you really don't care. But this is my blog, so I decide what I put in it. ^.^

There's been fighting, yelling, anger, laughter, tears, excitement, love and friendship going in all directions, often whirling about too fast for perception. I know I've been confused more then once.

Friendships have been challenged, a particular friend has returned, to my joy, new people have come around that I wish will stay, and people who hasn't been around much, have come back into closer proximity.

I wouldn't say everything is great, there's still someone I have a problem with, but I've come to a conclusion about it, to not let it bother me, because it's in this person's nature to behave the way they do. Just as it's in mine to object to it.

Freedom has been a very discussed subject since.. well, January, actually. Maybe I have a greater sense of freedom and a bigger perspective of my right to it, then others seem to think. But think about it for a minute. I've been raised under the phrase "freedom with responsibility". Meaning, as long as I was responsible enough to say where I went, with who, how long, I could pretty much do as I pleased. I never had a curfew, I didn't have specific times to do homework, I didn't have a bedtime, hell, dinner could be anywhere between 5 and 10!

When I was 13, I was left with the apartment and no parents around. No supervision. I could've hosted orgies if I wanted to, that was entirely up to me. I never really did anything like that, though. Cause it was freedom with responsibility. And I'm very focused on the responsibility part.

Question is, what responsibility does my freedom come with? When I was a kid, it was clear. Report to mom. She didn't need to know what I talked to my friends about, she just wanted the basics, where I was, in case something happened, who I was with, so she knew what to expect could happen, when I'd be home, so she knew when to be worried if I didn't show up. Very logical, need-to-know things.

And I think that's my guidelines today as well. Need-to-know. I'm a very private person, I don't think every detail of my life concerns everyone. Bits of information goes to certain people, other bits to other people. There's one person I can tell everything, and even he knows there's details not to be talked about, things that, if asked, I would tell. But it's not always necessary to actually ask, it leaves something for me to have for myself. And that's important to me, to have something to myself. Something that's only mine. I guess I'm actually possessive about my privatelife. If I feel like sharing something, I will on my own. But if I don't feel like it, pushing me will only anger me.

My freedom to share only as much as I'm willing to. As much as is necessary. I'm not obligated to share anything, in the first place, that's not a responsibility that comes with. My honesty is not a responsibility to others, it's a privilege. And you have to earn it.

Anger

Everyone reaches this point in their life. The moment in which they see their parents clearly for the first time. The moment their parents are no longer just a parent, but a person. And let's face it, you can't like everyone.

I'm definitely starting to see some sides of my mother I don't like. No, not starting to see them, I always knew they were there, but they were ignorable. I cannot stand the passive behavior anymore. Saying something to me, just to go completely silent 5 minutes later, because her boyfriend is attending the conversation. It is not okay.

If you say you're going to go with one plan, then fucking stick with your choice to all those who ask, or don't make it known at all! And it's always like this! We agree to do something, in this case a family trip up north that has to be on a certain date, because we have to rent a car awhile ahead. She forgets she has other plans on that particular date, and so of course we try to change it to make it work for everyone.

The boyfriend is apparently planning a trip to Jutland to visit some places I for one have been talking about, which is initially awesome. But he absolutely refuses to try and choose a time where we will be going on this trip, cause he wants it to be when the weather is nice. Well, okay, fine, as long as it doesn't interfere with the now moved family trip. Oh, but if it just happens to be the only time during his two week break with his son, of course we'll just skip out on our family thing, and go.

Um. No? (I couldn't even do that if I wanted, I have a cat I need to plan having watched, and I can't call up my grandparents and say "Oh, hey, we're skipping the family thing and heading to Jutland, I'll drop Alex off in half an hour, bye!") And mom doesn't say anything, even though we moved the damn event for her fucking sake. She is apparently content to let him speak for her and decide what she should or shouldn't do? Of course, if I had just asked her while we were alone, she would have said he doesn't have a say, she'll do what she wants. But I know from experience she would go with him when it came down to it. She always does. Which would be fine with me, if she would just fucking say that from the beginning.

It's like being fucking stabbed in the back by your own mother, when she continuously does the opposite of what she tells you.

However. I'm pissed beyond words for that reason, and another. The infuriating little jerk of a man she's with, behaves like a cavetroll every chance he gets. I'm sick and tired of him raising his voice to me, cause he isn't getting his way. And the huffing and puffing and pointing me in the face attitude simply makes me not want to deal with him. It's threatening behaviour, and I won't put up with that. And the fact that my mother once again went silent and mute and said nothing in my defence is unacceptable.

Right now, I just want to pack up my things and leave. To not be around her for a good solid couple of years. Or at least till she learns how to fucking follow through with what she says.

Can't be that fucking difficult.