Insomnia: Part 1

Mmm.. I'm really restless right now. Incredibly tired, unable to sleep, and very, very restless. It's too quiet in here. The cat isn't even annoying me, he's silent and out of sight. (Which should worry me, he's probably up to trouble.)

I'm in a very odd mood. Don't really know why, I had a great day. My sister and her boyfriend came over for coffee, and we spent a couple of hours together. Talking about her vacation in Spain, while her boyfriend and mom's boyfriend beat eachother in pool.

I finished my book, which is the only sad thing today. I know, I know, it's the third time I read it, but now I'm back to my Anne Rice dilemma. I just can't get through the damn book, I've attempted it like 4 times already. I could re-read the Hobbit, which I actually already started, then got distracted from it. Only a couple of chapters in. I don't know, I feel like reading a good vampire book, but not one as heavy as Anne Rice's. I'm indecisive.

I got through some laundry, which always makes me happy, cause I tend to push it off, laundry isn't my favorite chore. (It's better then dishes, though. I despise doing dishes.)

And then I spent a little time with A, which is always great. I like. Got home a little past midnight, which isn't too bad, I'm getting up early. Couldn't exactly foresee the lack of sleep I run into from time to time.

It's that, it's the lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking too much. That killed a little of the otherwise good sunday. I'm not even sure what I've been thinking about. I zone out of my own thoughts, that's rather disturbing.

I'm not good at not knowing things. I'm trying to come to terms with it, to just accept that I don't always need to know everything. To knock into my own head that I can't predict the future, as well as I can't always plan it, and that's perfectly okay. But it's difficult to change behavioural patterns that has followed me since childhood.

Life can be bloody difficult, sometimes. And right now, it's really not. What's difficult, is understanding the whole thoughtprocess of moving from one point to another. The conscious and unconscious ways we deal with things, and how those things affect us. How they can pull out memories from the past, and make us behave one way, or be so new and different to us, we have to find new ways to handle them. How they make us grow.

Yeah, I know. It's bloody late, and I'm babbling again. I don't always see how the dots connect, myself, before I suddenly reach the final point. I can't always explain how I connect one thing to another in a splitsecond, and connect that new thing to another. I can start out with the color red and end up talking about how funny the danish word for biscuit sounds, if repeated enough times, slowly. And in my head, it will make perfect sense how I got there from just the color red.

That's pretty much how my mind works. I hear or say something, and my brain suddenly explodes with a million thoughts, images, sounds, smells, reasons, connections, some of them flashing too briefly, too quickly for me to grasp onto.

I've been told I sometimes seem less intelligent then I am. Not because I say stupid things, which I'm sure I do often, if I'm not mumbling or stumbling over my words cause I get too eager to say them properly. But because I don't say something, often enough. Probably true. I prefer having some time to think about my answer, before giving my opinion on a subject. Because, presented with a subject, my brain tends to do the explosion thing. And it takes a little while to gather enough of the splinters to form a coherent sentence. No, not sentence. Meaning. To get my point across in a way that others understand, something that isn't just every fifth dot in my brain. There's so much to say. So many things. And I'm so bad at explaining them to those who don't get how my mind works.

It's a constant overload of information, emotions, knowledge.. My mind is chaos. I should draw you all a map.