For sentimental reasons..

Ahh.. First day of not-so-completely-sore rest since.. Wednesday? I don't even remember. I've spent the entire day relaxing. Reading. Changing sheets. (There's nothing better then the feeling of slipping between crisp, clean sheets and falling asleep.) And I think that's the only productive thing I've done all day.

Last night at L's was a lot of fun. And horror. But that was mainly do to some very unexpected people popping up out of nowhere. People I haven't seen in years, and for the life of me didn't think would ever show up, among the people I call friends, today. The noise eventually caught up with me, and I fled for awhile, and spent some time just talking to some of the guys, about this and that.

Especially the talk with L himself made the night worth it. I have to agree with him, I've really enjoyed my friendship with him lately, it's in a good place. And he got me more naked men from Italy. David's. I can't complain about that.

The whole family vacation thing is kicking off on monday, and I'll be away for at least 3 days, stuffed away in a hostel in Jutland. Not that I'm not looking forward to it, we're gonna visit some places I've been talking about since I was a kid. But I do have a preference for Copenhagen. And the people here. I'm going to miss them. Even for just 3 days, yes. (3 days with my family feels like a long time. A loooong time.)

Okay, the soreness? I think I really do need someone to straighten out my neck. It sort of feels.. too tight? Like the muscles have shortened considerably. Nasty sounds coming from it, too.

What else. I know there was something else I wanted to spout a bit of venom about. Heh, spout venom, I like that. I don't really have the patience for the people who annoy me, and so I've decided them disappearing makes me a lot happier. Yup. I didn't know that worked till recently, but if it works with one, why not with another, right? Yes, I generalize when I'm fed up. Why bother to deny it.

I'm just.. getting really tired of always being.. Powerless. I hate.. HATE when others make my decisions. I think I've brushed the subject before, but it's very very deep in me. Recently, someone I considered a very very close friend of mine, decided he no longer wanted to be part of my life. He couldn't accept who I have grown into. Couldn't accept my behaviour, or the people he considered dangerous for me. People I call friends.

Everyone makes mistakes. And I have friends who have made several. But I always give people a chance. If. If certain.. demands? are fulfilled. Recognition, repsonsibility and remorse for their mistakes. If I see those three things, if I feel them honestly expressed from a person who has wronged me, I'm willing to forgive and let them have another chance.

This one friend is very strict and consequent. He doesn't believe in second chances, and we've always been different like that. His life has brought him to believe firmly in one thing, mine has been kind enough to show me another. That's just how it is. I accepted it a long time ago.

During the past 6 months or so, that difference has, however, become more and more of an issue. It has torn and ripped at the edges of our friendship, and I've hated every second of it. I could feel it growing into this massive wall between us, a wall of annoyance and animosity towards eachother. It's been.. devastating. I've sought comfort in other friends, which has probably just pushed us further apart, to be honest.

I used to have a very clear view of how to handle rifts between us. I used to be better at it. But my wants and goals and beliefs have changed so much since then, my attitude, my way of handling things and the way I want to lead my life, has changed. My former wish to mend the pieces, to fix the broken, to rebuild the shattered is no longer there. Cause it feels like it's all that I'm doing.

And haven't I been sad for so long, that it's always the same, that I've been completely unable to move on from my former life? I'll turn 20 this fall, and I still feel like I'm an insecure teenager in school, sometimes. Unsure of the present, unsure of the future. Even unsure of the past. I've been dying to move out of this role, this worn out, tired child who's so lost in sorting everything out, that she's missing her chance to form something new, something beautiful and untouched.

It's probably been the best for us for awhile. To break up the friendship and break up the past, and move on. Even if the feelings behind it all has changed so much over the years, the memory of what they were would always haunt us. So maybe this is a good thing.

I'll miss him. I really fucking will. It hurts to think that someone I've been so close to for so long, will no longer be around. I love the guy to fucking bits. Even the things I can't stand about him, I love. And I've never cared about anyone else like that. It's beyond anything I can even explain, it's like a part of me and like the family you choose yourself, all in one.

I could choose to hate him for this. I could choose to try and ruin his life. I know so many things I could spell out to the world, prove to him you can't trust anyone. I won't. He probably don't read my blog, and he probably couldn't care less. But I find it necessary, feel it necessary to state this. To promise this, to him and to myself. You've been worth too much to me to ever do that to you. No matter what, fuzzhead, things and words passed between us, will for my part stay between us. You don't have to trust it, or to trust me, but this promise will be carried out. The things confided in me will stay with me.

I removed all reminders of him, the other day. It hurt to be reminded of what has been lost. Honestly.. I started hardening myself last time, when I thought it would be the last fight. I knew it wouldn't be long till he cut me off for good. When the quietness began.. I just knew it would be that much sooner. I disconnected as well as I could, from then on, so it wouldn't hurt that much. I collected all photos, old emails, bits and pieces and my necklaces, and put them in a locked box in the back of my closet. One of these days, I'll remove everything from my computer as well. Put it on a disc, put the disc in the box. I know I'll one day regret it, if I completely delete him from my life. Some day, when I'm all grown up and married with kids or whatever, I'll be glad I can open the box, and look back upon that time of my life, fondly.

Or so one can hope. I'll miss you. I'll always love you. And I wish the best for you in life.

Amin mela Lle. Angel.