I had a conversation with my mom today. About my biological father. I decided years ago I didn't want anything to do with him. That was, of course, a result of being completele neglected by him from the age of.. what, 3? 4? I did see him. When I walked by the park he used to sit around and get drunk in, after school, on my way to the daycare center. Not exactly the kind of person, or rather people, since he used to be around other drunks, that you bring your friends around to meet. I don't remember much, to be honest, and the few memories I have of him are blurry or completely uninteresting.
He got into financial trouble, I was told, when I was about 8, and moved away. In the beginning, he called. Occasionally. I think that lasted for a couple of months. The last time I saw him was at my sister's 19th birthday, and I was mad at him for never showing up or calling, so I didn't want to talk to him at all. He moved again, and I didn't have an address or a phonenumber to reach him at, and I didn't hear from him again.
My sister still had contact with him. I wrote several letters to him, that my sister delivered for me. I never got a response. When I was 13, I had given up hope. I didn't really remember the man anymore, my mom had gotten a boyfriend who was more of a father to me then my biological one has ever been. Or even wanted to be, judging from his actions. I stopped considering him my father. After all, apparently he didn't want me.
I had spent 4 years thinking that. Asking myself why I wasn't good enough, and what the difference was between my sister and me, since he still talked to her. The letters I wrote to him were both angry and hurt, and filled to the brim with questions of why. Not a sound. Not a word. Nothing at all. So I wrote him off, and I think he was the final straw in my mistrust. I would love to say the man has had no affect on me at all, but I know very well where my lack of trust in people come from, and he is one of the two names, both names belonging to people in my family, that I would mention.
When I was 16, my sister had spent christmas with him. Usually, we don't talk about him. I don't see a reason to, I've even requested people call him by name if they have to mention him, and not call him my father. He isn't, to me. But that christmas, he had wanted her to say something to me, and my sister had the decency to ask if I wanted to hear it. I declined. I didn't have a need to rip all that up, after spending years working on my trust issues, which are still not gone today. She respected my wish, and the topic wasn't brought up till months later, where she asked me to please hear it for her sake, and then if I still didn't want anything to do with it, she wouldn't bring it up again. I agreed, for her. I love my sister, and I know how much it pains her there's no bond between he and I.
The message was that he wanted to take up contact again. And I spent a good long time considering that. Did I have questions for him that I wanted to ask, did I want to tell him how much he ruined me, how much I cried because I missed him? Did I want him in my life again?
And I decided that everything that I would want from him was a chance to let out the anger. After having done that, I would still turn my back and walk away. And I honestly didn't care that it would hurt him. But it would hurt my sister. And I don't want to inflict more pain on her. So my choice still stands, and I doubt it will ever change; I don't want to hear from him.
However. A couple of days later. I got a text on my cellphone. With an address and an open invitation. No name. I texted this person back and asked who it was, and got a response saying my father. It didn't turn out well. I got very angry that he dared to contact me after so many years, that he claimed to know where my stubborness came from, and that he even insinuated to know me the least bit like that.
The man doesn't know me. He might hear about me through my sister, but he doesn't know the least fucking thing about me.
He chose my name. And every time someone says my real name, I'm reminded of him, of how he betrayed my trust, how he ignored my pleading for so many years. Of how much he hurt me. This is why I hate my name. The name itself is fine, it's annoying to explain how to spell it every other second, but I don't mind it. It's what the name represents.
I can't talk about him without getting choked up. I hate that. I absolutely hate that he still has an effect on me like that. It makes me want to shake myself and yell at me to get the fuck over it. I don't show it a lot. It's there, but I'm not going to whine about it every other minute, I'd rather forget the man ever exsisted. But I can't completely avoid him.
I saw him on the street once. Years ago. I was with a bunch of classmates, and couldn't really react to it, but it shook me to the core, somehow, that I could run into him just like that. I always thought that, if I ran into him somewhere, I would be prepared, walk in a different direction and just ignore him. I kept my cool till I was alone that evening. He didn't see me. Or at least, I don't think he did.
Only a couple of months ago, my sister called me, to tell me about something. It was important, but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Cause he was there. I heard him talking in the background. Then my sister told me about how a friend of hers had gotten jealous of me, because my sister said I was the wisest person she has ever known. The woman, who has never met me, started talking me down, and my sister defended me. And then he did the same. It might be nothing to a lot of people. To me, it is very insulting and disturbing, that a person who doesn't know me, defends me to a complete stranger. It's been a long time since I've been as emotionally disturbed as I was that night, and the following days. I was angry, I was annoyed, I was hurt, I was reminded of my childhood and a whole lot of pain, and I was so out of my mind I just wanted to be drunk for the rest of my life and never think about it again.
During the last couple of months, during my.. epiphany? about myself, I have come to the decision I want to be a happy person. I want to eliminate or shrink the things that are negative and which affects me in a negative way, cause the way I've done things so far, haven't gotten me very far. And very few months in, I see and feel it working. This is one of the things I can't eliminate. And I don't know how to shrink it. How do you attempt to erase the memory of someone who was supposed to be there throughout your whole life, throughout theirs, at least? And the hurt they inflicted?
I don't want to be the person I become when reminded of these things. This.. Needy, out of control, cold bitch, who seeks affirmation elsewhere cause she never got it where she wanted it the most. I'm not that person. I'm NOT. That person scares me, and I can't control that person. That person gets into trouble she can't handle, and leaves me to solve the problems it causes.
And even that stupid conversation earlier, about how I wouldn't go to the man's funeral unless my sister asked me to, how I wouldn't want to inherit anything from him, and how I absolutely do not want him in my life, was enough to call upon that person a little bit. To lure her out. I don't know how to control her, and the only person who used to be able to talk sense into her, is no longer in my life.
Hopefully, I'll be too busy at the café tomorrow, and caught up in the party friday, to give it much thought or action. I don't know if I can will it away, but one can try.
Wow.. so much space, so many words.. And that's just ONE childhood trauma.
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