Emotionally Exhausted

I've come to a point where I don't know if it's worth it to hold on to my self respect. My sin, I guess, is pride. I've never been one to back down when I feel I've been wronged. If I don't stand up for myself, then who will? It's a matter of selfrespect. Of being able to live with myself as a person. And I can't do that if I feel walked all over, and do nothing about it.

A lot of the time, I can just hold my head high and ignore it, laugh it off. But if it's repetitive, or I go unacknowledged, I get angry. With anger comes stubborness, and with that, the pride. And what if I chose to not stand up for myself? I would surely get along with a lot of people, a lot better. They wouldn't run into this hardheaded proud bitch who won't take crap from anyone. Maybe I wouldn't chase them off. Maybe I'd just learn to bow my head and surrender to their will. That might even be good for my control issues.

It seems it's the male way of thinking, that my way can't cooperate with. And how many friends haven't I lost because of it? Because I won't bow. And it scares me shitless that I always end up left behind or utterly disappointed. Apparently, I just can't function in male company. In any way. Not even deeply rooted friendships can last, when I'm part of it. So I give up, I'm just not made out for it, and I really can't take another goodbye right now.

Every time I learn to trust someone, it takes them a total of ten seconds to ruin it, and make it all seem my fault. It's always my fault, somehow.. A person can only bear to hear that a number of times, before it starts gnawing and hurting and eating away at you.

I only have one me, and that me isn't very strong underneath, so I have to protect it the best I can. By standing up for it. Because that's what I do. I protect me, I protect my family, I protect my friends and my moral beliefs. That's where my value lies. So no matter how tempting it might seem to just let my integrity go, I won't. It's all I have.