Noob in training?

Ick, fuzzy in the brain. But okay, it's.. 4.09 am. Goodmorning sunshine. (Yeah, like I just got up. You know me better then that.)

Anyhow. Haven't been doing that much today. Drinking tea, gaming a little, went with mom to her doc's appointment, watching some stand-up and gaming some more. (Yes, I will become addicted. I'm slowly but surely getting there. I was counting, earlier, how long it would be till dinner was done, so I could get home and figure out the whole Abillity system.)

And then, I've been writing. Nothing that anyone will ever get to see, though. Just.. Well, smut. O.o Yeah, yeah. Shut up. Something popped up in my head and demanded to be written, it's how it works. Can't really filter the dirty stuff, it's just not as much fun for me :D

I've been thinking about the whole.. Neurotic behaviour thing. Yes, I actually do listen, and consider if stuff like that might be true. It's coming from a person who's opinion isn't tainted by years of absolutely loving and adoring me, (HAD to get that in at some point. It amused me.) and I have do admit it might hold some truth. I already know I'm very controlling. If I can control every aspect of everything, then that suits me just fine. Makes me feel safe. And I do try to control everything. Directions, actions, opinions, meanings, events and feelings. Most of the time I don't even realize I'm doing it.

And didn't I make an agreement with myself earlier this year? That the safe shit was over. That I need to take some chances in order to enjoy my life as it should be enjoyed. And then, here I go, crapshitting the hell out of it, anyway? Frustrating to no end, is what it is.

Relax, stop dominating the situation, step back, sit down, shut up, and just go with it. Trust. Trust the people around you. Even if you're used to being the one to trust. Even if you're used to being the leader. Other people can be leaders, too, and you're strangling them. Give them time and space to breathe. And enjoy the time off. Enjoy not having to be the one who's looked at a map before going somewhere, or having checked the busroute, or keeping the number to the 24/7 doc's consult.

I managed to stop correcting everything, all the time. I still do it sometimes. But compared to before? I even mispronounce stuff, and ignore it, not correcting myself. The whole Towel thing is only for the bat's sake, I only mispronounce that around her. Slightly on purpose. I don't even proof read my blogs anymore.

I try not to be perfectionistic and to feel comfortable about it, but I don't think I'll ever get rid of the control issue, all together. I enjoy letting go, so it's stupid it's so hard for me to do so, and it takes one hell of a strong mind to knock me out of my usual role.

I'm working on it.

And I may be the only one who sees the changes, but they're there.