It's idiotic, that it takes the crumbling of one person, to make another realize their strength. A number of years ago, I was the one who crumbled, who didn't think I'd ever get back up. And if I got up, I would be less of a person then I was before. I was the one who truly believed I had lost myself to another person, that I'd altered everything, to make them stay just another moment. Even if that moment wasn't anywhere near the bliss we once had.
And I see this incredibly important person, in my life, who means the world to me, crumble. And I try to reach out and listen, I don't know if it does any good, but I'll be damned before I'll leave her to fend for herself. I know she has the strength in her, to get through her troubles, and I know she currently lacks the will. Not a day goes by, without me hoping a solution will magically appear, and I hope so feverently that things will turn to the better for her. I have to try and joke about it, sometimes, just to see her smile, when it all gets too serious, and I do my best to switch topics when I can see her choking up. And I just want to.. fix it?
It's not my place to fix anything. It's my place to stand solidly by her side, and let her know she has me, no matter what happens. I think she deserves better. I won't deny it, and it's no secret. I know how hard it is for her to let anyone in. And I don't think she ever really has let anyone in as close as she wants to. Or wishes she knew how to do. And we're so very alike, right there.
The other day, I had to hide how angry it made me, how mad her tears really made me. How I wanted to shake her and tell her to just.. hold onto herself. It's so important. Throughout all your life, so many people will come and go. The only thing you really know for sure you have from birth to death, is yourself. Everything else.. You may care about it, hate it, love it, adore it, not understand it or not believe it. But you're all you have in the end, and you HAVE to hold onto that.
I learned my lesson. But I learned a very good one. I learned that a person can survive, even when they feel so broken, blinking seems an unreasonable task. I learned that a heart heals, no matter how huge a chunk is taken out of it. And I learned, that no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much it feels like you'll never be the same again, or even remotely close to mended, you will get to a point where you can look back and say "I'm glad I had that, for as long as I got to have it. It made me happy, and it hurt to lose, but the pain only confirms how many good things I had to mourn."
I wouldn't have truly been able to say this and believe it, six months ago. It took a person, so different from everything I knew, all the stubborness to match mine, who came in and said so simple words to me, that I felt like an absolute moron for not having thought it before. "Just shut up, stop thinking so much, and enjoy it."
I've been adopting a new lifestyle this past year. And I wish I could show the world how much of a difference it has made in my life. Enjoy the present, don't linger with the past. Remember it, fondly. It gives the most enchanting feeling of complete peace. It makes it so much easier.
A very few selected people know how hard it has been for me, that my best friend decided to leave our friendship behind. I don't think any of them realize that the emotion that takes up the most room in me, when I think of it, when I think of him, is happiness. Happiness for the fact that I got to have such an amazing person in my life for so long. Happiness that I got to be a part of his heart, and that I achieved letting him be a part of mine. Happiness that a person with such a dark past, has found someone who lightens his path in life. He's a stubborn brat, to me he always will be. But he so deserves to be happy. If he is so without me, he should get to be.
And yes, I miss him. I miss him a lot. He was the one I confided in, the one who talked me out of ridiculous ideas, and guided me safely through my momentary insanities. He was the one who made me laugh after a long day, and was honest about it when I fucked up. He told me I was a bitch, if I was, and he did so without fear of my anger or indignation.
He was my brave and proud lion. My fuzzhead. And for that, he deserves everything life has to offer him in joy.
And I'll never find that again. Your first real love is not something you can ever have again. It's impossible. But life is kind enough to offer you a back-up disc, when the system crashes. You just have to be patient and take the time to reboot and start over.
I never got over it, no. I probably never will. I'm glad I won't! Why would I want to forget the fact that happiness is out there, for those brave enough to take it? This summer, I took a chance, and I confirmed it. I was happy. I was ecstatic, even. I couldn't wait to see a guy, even when I just left. And what many people see as an everyday thing, getting butterflies, has been absent from my life for 4 years, but I got that back. I got it back by allowing it to happen, and I didn't care a flying fuck it wasn't a great love, or even had the potential to be, I just enjoyed it.
I think happiness lies in allowing yourself it. Whatever your method may be, whereever your key is to be found, it is there for everyone to grasp. No matter what happened in the past. Hoping, believing, achieving.
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