And it's christmas yet again. Never really been one for this season. It's cold and wet, windy, there's too many people with too many shopping bags crowding the streets. You can go to the supermarket 4 times, break your back with the loads of food you drag home, and still, 5 minutes before the grand, traditional christmas dinner is served, you'll realized you forgot something.
"Christmas is about tradition. Family, friends, being with the people you love." Bullshit. Christmas is about food and presents. At least, that's what it's become. The only traditions firmly held alive in my family, is that I get to pick the tree, with my granddad. And sooner or later, I'll have to pass the torch; There's kids in the family again. Oh yeah, and the stress! That's pretty traditional too.
And this year, even I've been stressed. And I usually don't get stressed at all. I just work that much faster to make up for being busy. I've been responsible for all the game-prizes this year. I've taken care of the tree, the candy, the grocerylists, the organizing and communication. It's been hell. With snow and traffic being bitches the last few days, and my grandparents having to help my cousin with all the financial stuff for the new place, and mom just tagging along in stead of stepping up, it's been kinda on me. At least I don't have to cook. It'd disappoint people, grandma just cooks better then the rest of us, period.
My home is a huge mess right now. I simply don't have the time to clean up and.. refind my floor. I miss it, it used to be soft, walking through the room. Now I trip over hangers and discarded outfits. I want to take a full day out of the calendar and just scrub everything down! Right now! And I don't have time -.- I have 20 minutes till I'm leaving for the grandparent's, and who knows when I'll be home again.
Anyhow. Despite everything, at least December hasn't been that horrible. I've actually put a muter on my mood so I wouldn't annoy people with how.. I'm not going to say happy, just.. content, I am. I guess I just feel at ease, peaceful somehow. And I'm aware that a lot of people around me aren't, so I try to tone it down, though it's not that much fun to be in a good mood when you can't share it with anyone.
For some reason, every time I'm genuinely in a happy place, I'm the only one. I rarely have the space to really share my joy, without having to edit. There's always going to be someone who gets jealous, annoyed, sad. Someone who'll claim indifference or disapproval, someone who just doesn't want to hear about it. And it really kills it for me. I mean, I rarely ever want to be the center of attention. Mostly, I don't like to be. If I have something interesting to bid in with, then sure, I'll take the stage for a couple of minutes, but I'm perfectly fine on the bench, observing other people. But sometimes, there's just so much joy in me I feel like I'm going to explode. Emotion overload. I listen to so many people blabber on and on about their stuff, and I throw myself wholeheartedly into their pain or passion. I try to understand them. I just never really get that kind of response myself. I get comments and opinions, if there's even an interest in hearing me. There's attempts, but the difference between making it seem like you're listening and actually doing it, is so significant and obvious.
I'll rather tell the cat when I'm happy. With him, at least I can't tell if he's actually just thinking of the next batch of tuna he'll get, when he seems like he pays attention.
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