On a Journey..

Rollercoasters. I've always loved them. The wilder, the better. I don't get why they're so often compared to life, though. To me, the fun part about roller coasters, is going down. And in life, the down part is never any fun. So it's a very vague comparison, isn't it? Contradicting, even.

Or maybe it's the unknown. What's behind the next bend or corner, versus what's the consequences of your next choice. Choice is a very sensitive topic, with me. My choices, my life. Your choices rule your life, directs what path you take. And I haven't been good at letting others choose my path. I don't think I should be.

I've been selfreflecting for months. Trying to figure out what my place in life is. In reality, I think I've known all along. I'm the kind of person who makes decisions. Decisions I don't necessarily like, but I know is necessary. I'm the kind of person who takes on a job with a dedication and vehemence as if my life depended on it. I combine logic with creativity to find solutions, then find the flaws and optimize them. I'm a natural leader, I know how to command without being cruel, and taking on repsonsibility comes easily to me.

The unknown scares people. It scares me as well. But fear is one of the things making me feel a little more human, and so I meet my fears the best I can.

And I'm very scared right now. I don't let it show, it takes an intimacy unknown by many, to get close enough to me to see that. If there's something I don't want to show, it's very hard to see. Possible, but very hard.

And what am I scared of? Time. The future. The past. Loneliness. My choices. It can take my breath away, sometimes I find myself hyperventilating and crying, cause nothing is solid, and I need something to cling to. But nothing is there.

Sometimes I think I would actually benefit from talking to someone. About the past. I'm not naïve enough to think I'm not scarred. Just a few months ago, it still scared me to be touched in certain ways. To be close to another person in any way. I still hold back on very innocent caresses, they often seem foreign and out of place to me. Some touches bring out memories I don't want in my head.

But a lot of that fear, if not most, has been healed. It's a weight off my shoulders, and I'm forever grateful for it. In stead of going rigid, I light up, I melt, I respond. And it feels natural to do so, finally. It's liberating, really.

I'm one step closer to discovering myself. And it's not a roller coaster all the time.