Jolly times my ass.

If I make it through the next 24 hours without ending up in a psych ward, I'm gonna consider Christmas a success. I left mom's place tonight, almost running out of there, on the brink of tears.

Tom, the sensitive fuck that he is, found it appropriate to yell at me for suggesting that arriving at 5pm at my grandparents, might be a bit impractical, considering I'm on konfekt duty. I don't have a proper kitchen, I can't do it from home, and I haven't had time to do it at their place. So I have to make it at the grandparent's. And I get that he's cooking the ducks from home, and it takes a few hours, so we can't go at the crack of dawn, but honestly, leaving at 4?! We eat at 6. We even made a freaking itinerary this year, cause we're a lot of people.

And I was saying it very calmly and politely! That's very late if I'm to have any time to do the remaining part of my job this year. And he YELLS at me like I'm a bloody idiot, repeating everything three times, because he already told my mom this and that and whatever. And she hasn't said a thing to me, so how the fuck would I know? I asked him 3 times to stop yelling, and just talk like a normal human being. And she just sat there. Not caring or whatever. So I said that they could go whenever they wanted, I'll get there on my own. Cause there's no fucking way I'm taking his shitstorm when I haven't done anything wrong. I said this to mom /days/ ago, if she could please talk to him about not arriving last minute, so I had time to do this, and she said she would. But she never fucking does, does she?

And when I ran out of there, on the verge of panic, tears running all over the place, I thought that would be it. I arranged for granddad to pick me up on the way to pick up my uncle. No problem. I'll even be at their place in time to watch the Disney's Christmas show.
But no. Mom needed to shove my face in it. Cause it is easier to be passively aggressive over texting with me, than to discuss behaviour with Tom. Or just fucking letting it rest. So now, my mom declared she isn't going at all, and that all presents, foods and whatever that they were supposed to bring, we can just pick up at noon. And she can't even be bothered to call my grandparents and tell them she's being a jerk.

I swear. Next year. I am not going. No one can make me. I'd rather hang myself then do this again.

I hate Christmas.

Crazy!

It is so weird. I'm practically being chased. Within the past 36 hours, 5 men have made their interest known to me. One was very drunk and really only repeated his already expressed lust for me (and that is what it is, lust), one I only just met, though I've known his name for quite a while, from others, and the three last are friends. One of them I have this friendly flirt with, which has been going on for years, and it won't change, cause that's where we're both comfortable, but the other one has turned to more of a.. "I'm interested, we both aren't looking for serious, wanna give it a go and just have fun?" and I'm not really sure yet, cause I never looked at him that way, but we do have an amazing chemistry. I don't know if it's only friendly though. We'll see. In any case, neither of us are looking for more than a friend to hang out with, whom it would be safe and uncommitted to fall in with. The last one is a constant, and not an option, anyway. Not now, at least.

But! The point! It's like there's this.. Horde of guys who have just been waiting for me to be single XD I know it's not the case, obviously, I'm not that full of myself, but with the amount of attention I'm getting, it really feels that way. It's overwhelming. Right now, I'm just riding the wave of positive attention, trying to manage it the best I can. How did I become the girl who's being chased, though? I'm kinda flabbergasted. I'm really not dating material right now.

It's not even because I'm sad anymore. The whole marriage thing somehow managed to liberate me of any lingering feelings. I'm not happy about the way he handled the whole friendship deal, that stings, but whatever was left in me to still think of him as mine, and me as his, it's gone. And it feels good. I am, however, really tired of dealing with his all-over-the-place feelings, and I just knew it was the final straw. I need to move on with my life, and I won't get anywhere if I have to drag him behind me, holding onto some sense of regard for his feelings for me, when he doesn't do me the same courtesy. It's just an added stress factor, in a sensitive topic, to a difficult history, and I am ready to leave all that crap behind.

It's not like I'm going to avoid him or not say hi if I run into him, but he's just.. Not friend material anymore. He's somebody that I used to know.

I'd much rather spend my energy on all this exciting stuff going on! With CoW and all the visits to Bastard Café, I'm meeting a lot of new people, and I'm loving it! The drivers license is going perfectly, the kitchen is slowly, slowly coming along.

My CoW planning is skyrocketing. Skye found a girlfriend! She doesn't know that it's actually Rendor who convinced Francesca to date her, so she wouldn't fall in love with anyone else. Winterbourne,  for example. Cause Rendor wants her back! And he isn't the kind of guy who apologizes and romances her into it. Noooo. He's the kind of guy who gets a girl to date his intended, a girl who's only in it to spy on their house, a girl who's having at least one affair, a girl who will be found out, and when the girls break up, he will be the supportive friend, waiting to make it all better. He'll also be the infuriating ex, who keeps using Skye's lingering feelings to make her admit she still loves him, attempting to seduce her (while still dating Cesca? Who knows!), and he'll definitely be the sweet, regretful ex, who has all the answers to how they could make it work, if they just tried again. It will be so fucked up.

In the meantime! Klimmek, her dear mentor, is trying to talk her into summoning a demonic manifestation of her own anger, in order to master it, rather than let it control her. After the break up with Ren, where she scarred him, in her fit of rage, she's been having trouble reigning it in. It's pretty dangerous, and he's overly confident in his skills, so talking her into it is not impossible. Especially cause she thinks it might be a way for her to also control her feelings for Rendor, which constantly flows from love to hate and back again. He also wants her to steal potions ingredients... Though, I think Skye might just ask Evelyn to help her.

In the meantime... I am totally planning to have an inappropriate relationship with professor Winterbourne. Not that Skye will tell anyone, she keeps claiming it's a professional relationship. But she so wants him. He's likeminded, sweet and a great inspiration for her. But she doesn't want to be the girl who's dating a professor, that's scandalous. So it will be all letters and smiles in class, and hopefully I get to call him Sinclair :D

I cannot wait.

Missing my castle

Ugh, been staring at the ceiling for two hours. Cannot sleep. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, then the gym with the Bat, and then Rikke is arriving for a sleepover, after we go to the big event.

I'm all Czocha, still. I'm so excited, I dream it, I think it, I still play it, I talk about it, and I already have a thousand plans for next time. I'm looking forward to competing to make prefect. To roam the castle and grounds. To send borderline inappropriate letters to Winterbourne. To fight with pureblood bigots in muggle studies. To set Lynn up on a blind date. To fight with Ren, and to see how he plans on winning my affection back. To scream at Kara. To have an intimate moment with Miclariotic in the mirror room, possibly with him lovingly scolding me for my pilfering. To mixing EEE in the common room and play Divination. To sing. To get my lovely junior out of all kinds of trouble. To dance. To be passed up in secret passages by my deceitful ex, trying to win me back, by physical and emotional manipulation. Which I'm counting on him to use XD Oh, the Skye/Ren conflict will be so much fun. Her, unable to get over her feelings, crossing into hatred to mask them, pushing him away and fighting him, and him, manipulative and conspiratorial, getting his way in any way he can. I foresee lone fights in empty corridors, crossing into struggling and restrainment, and moving on to suppressed passion colliding. It will be /so/ fucked up, intense and insane and I cannot wait. I'm dying to go right now.

Oh take me back, take me back to the castle of my dreams. Take me home.

And the longing is what's fucking me up. I dream it. I dreamt about writing a 4 page report for muggle studies. I dreamt about swimming in the lake with Hugin and Kienan, splashing around in the spring sun. I dreamt about a secret friendship with Winterbourne, calling him by his given name when no one heard. I dreamt about Klimmek smiling proudly when I made prefect, Kienan ready to stand by my side and face a whole new year together. I dreamt about starlit nights in the tower with Rendor, him making a grand romantic gesture to apologize for his behaviour. I dreamt about sneaking down to do potions with Lynn in the middle of the night.

In the meantime, I do Divinition. I get a kick out of being first to answer the lectures, Skye really wants to show off to Rendor, even if he doesn't know it's her behind the sobriquet. She wants his praise, she wants to be acknowledged. And she wants to be the best in class. She's a competitive little fucker.

I wrote letters today, after transforming a chopstick into a pen. It's by no means perfect, but it looks better than a ballpoint. I prepared the date letters and a letter to Professor Winterbourne. I also made some Not-Skye-seals, so she can do anonymous letters. They're very basic, but that's only good. And I found a lot of stuff for the next artifact I'm making. If it works out the way I want it to, it will look awesome.

I also dug out some leather, so I can do a proper wand sheath. I knew I had some scraps from the chair I stripped in the spring. It won't be perfect, I don't have the tools to do it right, so I'll sew it, but it'll be sturdier than the ribbon one. And fit better.

I should try to sleep again. Been talking about Skye and Ren a lot today, so that's probably where my dreams are headed. I can't complain, it's one entertaining drama. And it only gives me more ideas.

I love the fact that he let her scar him. Obviously I don't know Michaels thoughts about it 100%, but I have a feeling, like the bracelet representing their love, and him never even telling her, that it might be an expression that he truly cares about Skye. Poor girl. Attracting the most difficult people. She really should get better people in her life, and maybe not date anyone like Laszlo. He's bad for her. But oh so convincing.

It's fun to play love. It demands improvisation from me, I only ever played love with Louise, and that was such a hippie kind of thing, it doesn't compare. This is conflicted, difficult, angsty and all... Teenage.

So. Much. Fun!

No need to contact me again.

Let's see if I can translate this in a way that does it justice.

"Hey Cille. Before you hear it sowhere else: I proposed to L, and she said yes. It's fast and I hope it's not too uncool to hear."

He's knows her like 4 seconds. I hope it's not too uncool to hear. Really? REALLY?! Too much of a coward to even call me about it. I can't even put it into words. I'm not even of a mind to be angry and hurt. I'm laughing my fucking ass off. It's RIDICULOUS. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when he tells his mom. Poor AD. I'm expecting the shocked call this weekend. If not her, then Mis.

How the fuck can she even defend that to herself, she has a kid!? Oh Jesus, poor him. It's irresponsible and downright idiocy. Good luck, the first time he falls back towards depression. Good luck first time she hits a rough spot and he can't handle it. Next thing you know, they're having a kid. Like, within a year, with that speed.

I'm done. Earlier today he talked about coming over and seeing the kitchen, and inviting me over to do a wand holster. And I thought it was difficult to tell him I can't be alone with him, after the coercion thing and having to promise K.
Nope. It's done. Over. Whatever we were, had, could end up with? It's gone, and I'm not interested. He's reduced to distant acquaintance. In a heartbeat. Over him, just like that. Thank you for curing me. Never, ever again.

Unexpected dirty offer

I just had the weirdest evening. I went to the reunion. And it was fun and calming to be amongst like-minded people, sharing stories and feelings and laughs. And I was happy. Then orgsniser guy shows up. And there's happy and squee and good news and tears and trailers and talk about next weekend. And he talks me and the friend I came with into going to this party further up in the building. We had a flirty exchange on a joke I had made online earlier, and I was laughing my ass off and giving it my most aggressive cause, well, fun!
Then we go to the party floor, and I dance and have a drink and talk, and organiser guy gets me a drink. And asks if he can be really forward and inappropriate with me. Which I didn't object to. So he says it's of course just fine if I say no, but he's been interested since he first saw me a month ago, and finds me really attractive. I of course blush and thank him, and he continues, repeating that he'll respect a no, bit how would I like to find a dark private place and just fuck, cause he's really into me. And my jaw dropped, mentally. I told him that's really not my thing, but damn, points for being direct, cause it makes it so much easier to know what the fuck is going on. I tell him I just got out of a long and complicated relationship (to which he said he knew, how the f did he know?!) and I feel too screwed up to really involve myself in any way with anyone. He then tells me he's married, but in an open marriage, so it wouldn't be leading to anything, if that's what I was worried about, but he fully understood. I told him to ask again in a few months when I got my shit sorted out. It was very.. Direct, no shit, and adults talking about an informed decision. And that totally had my hormones reacting. What the fuck. I only danced with him after that, and okay, yes, I did do sexy moves, and he almost kissed me, but my good sense kicked in then, and I turned away, pushing him off. And he just smiled, hugged me and thanked me for the dance.

It was... Fucking weird, but very flattering. My head is having trouble understanding where it came from. I should have a warning sign on my forehead. But apparently that makes me attractive?

WTF.

Shunned

I can't even describe how insanely sad I feel right now. Half the Baltha team is workshopping tonight. A few pics have made it to FB by now.

I'm not there singing. I'm not there making relations. I'm not there being happy. I'm not there, excited. I'm not a part of it. I'm on the sideline, jealous of the close knittedness. I hate this.

The burden of solitude.

This is the second night in a row I go to bed with a sour taste in my mouth. I don't know, it's probably stupid. It's not like I want to confront him about it, I'm just so disappointed he lied to me. Again. I didn't want to do the birthday in the first place, and he was the one to talk me into it, and then when I can't get out of it and were not together anymore, he leaves early and lies about the reason. He can do whatever he wants, I'm really fucking doing everything in my power to back off and leave him to find himself, but does he have to lie?!

I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

On top of that, it's like.. He keeps saying how much he wants us to be friends, how much it means to him. Yet, it's not like we really talk. At all. The few times we have, has been "Hi, you have my... Can I drop by to pick up... Hope you're doing okay.".
I feel a bit abandoned.

Hearing him tell he was happy I'd found someone new.. Jesus. I wanted to scream at him that I haven't. That it was pure stupidity and lack of judgement. That it wasn't.. Good. That it wasn't him. That I felt absolutely nothing. That I'm only trying to fool myself into feeling enough to be distracted. That I wish he would make all the unwanted attention go away.

Cause oh my god. This one guy, a friend, has written or called daily since Friday, to hang out. We're watching a movie tomorrow, and I'm planning to friendzone him so solidly he might think he hit a brick wall. I'm not getting into anything with someone who's currently divorcing one of my friends, and who has a kid. No. Just hell no. I like him as a friend, he's cool and we click and we can talk about the difficult stuff, but no. No romancing. No flinging, even.

The other one is.. Trying to be something he's not and never will be. And I'm keeping him at arms length. I don't want all the crap. Coming over just to sleep? No. Just no. That's boyfriend behaviour, and I said no. Cause yes, he can make me smile and laugh, but he's also too caring, too involved, trying to be too close. Suffocating. I know it's cause he does care, cause he's been just waiting to be my world, but I don't want a new world. I want my world to be about me for a while. Cause it was about.. One of the people I have loved most, ever, for a long time. And I need to reroute a lot of shit in my brain and heart. I expect that to take years. So I'm not interested in playing house, and I've made that brutally clear.

I'm just.. I'm not ready for all that. I tested the waters, and they were frozen solid. So no. Nun-break.

I don't know, I feel like he's avoiding me. He left Junction early, too. Shortly after I got there. And, I know it's so stupid but... I was looking forward to playing with him at CoW. And now I dread it. His character is so fucking mean to mine, I don't know if I'll be able to not break down if he acts like that ingame.. It feels horrible. We won't have a relation. And it's not like I lack relations or anything to do there, it's just.. We were supposed to do this together. I hate this.

And there came the waterworks. I miss him. I'm so paranoid about his behaviour I even thought maybe he was the one who got me ininvited to a CoW thing tonight. It's probably just this girl I have a relation to's way of kicking off our actual relation, but..I don't know. It made me sad in real life, cause I didn't get why I wasn't welcome, so we could workshop.

I know nothing. I'm really just sad and confused and hurt. But I have to put my brave face on and power through. Cause he can't be strong for me, this time, I have to be the strong one.

I wish he could just be my friend long enough to hug me and tell me we would be fine. That we'll figure this friendship thing out. But I'm not gonna ask anything of him. He needs me not to.

Shit.

Life continues..

Sometimes, things just happen really fast. The dinner last week went... Well. It went. It was hard as hell. I didn't get through it without tears, but I kept most of them at bay. I was trying so hard to behave like a proper ex, and not hurt him. I just have no idea how to do that, so it's all gut feeling. I hope I can manage it. He's not doing very well, and I so want him to find his feet. I feel guilty over doing well myself. I'm glad he told me, though. He can't go missing from the world, he means too much. And I'll drop whatever to take him to get help, if he needs it. Even if.. I know he thinks it's a bad idea that it should be me. And I expect he feels it adds to how we were always.. Uneven, in lack of a better word, after I helped him out of his depression. I know he feels bad for not being able to stick out the hard times for me, like I did for him. And I'm not gonna lie and say a part of me is not disappointed. But I get it. It was hard on me back then, too, and I considered giving up on several occasions. He doesn't have the resources, and I don't blame him. Not truly.
So I get it if he doesn't want to add to that feeling, but.. It's about him being alive. And that kinda outweighs the other stuff.

It was pretty hard, when we walked to the subway.. This.. Gigantic mural appeared right in front of us. A+C with a heart. We had just split to go our separate ways, and he stood right in front of it, and while my stomach dropped, he turned around to point it out. My heart just.. Broke. We had both thought the same thing. A week before, we would have been excited, and taken silly couples pictures, making faces, kissing.. And now it was just fate kicking us in the fucking face. I cried all the way to the harbour, and it was like.. Like I was mourning everything we had and lost.
But I decided that I would be okay. So that's what I'm going to be.

On a whole other note, I left Baltha. And I almost started spilling all my frustration tonight, but he didn't need that. So I kept quiet. And the last of the drama probably hasn't commenced yet. We'll see.

Ugh. I'm too tired to detail everything. And I'd much rather save my energy for tomorrow night. Dinner and good company will be awesome, especially this company. Our conversations always just.. Run amok. Time tends to fly, and suddenly it's really late. I'm excited to see where it goes. For now, we're just enjoying flirting. And that feels nice. He makes me smile.

Butterflies.

I feel giddy. It's odd, really, half of it is from breaking into new territory in RP, and getting into the mindset of the character. I haven't played love much, so I was pretty lacking in resources to pull from, but my nervousness was put to ease by the other player who totally had it down. And wine. Cause I felt like it.

The other half is from staying up all night to endulge myself in some attention and flirting. I was surprised at how receptive I was to it. I expected to be a guy repeller deluxe for a while, but apparently not. The tricky part is to take my time to check my emotions, so I don't just.. Jump into something I'm not comfortable with. I'm in no rush. But I am intrigued, and it's very annoying that it's making me curious.

Well. I wasn't stupid enough not to line out some boundaries. And make it clear I'm not looking for anything serious. Further than not looking, really, I don't want it.

But finding out I'm on exactly the same page as someone I've kept at arms length while being spoken for, and knowing there's interest and chemistry.. I am intrigued. I haven't made up my mind if I'm going to explore it, though.

Time will tell. But for now, I'll enjoy the giddy.

Too busy to even really feel it.

Long day. Went to pick up a steamer trunk today, and it's amazing. Went to the grandparent's after, and got some stuff sorted out. Which is nice.

I'm really worried about tomorrow. It can go really bad, really fast, with us. Limits. Odd shit. But I do have some. And I guess I need to communicate them. Somehow. Without crying or yelling in public.

Ugh. I don't wanna. I just want to be over it, over him. It would be much easier for everyone.

It had to hurt at some point.

My sunday was just slow. A bit boring, really. Now I'm just.. sad, hurt and angry.

I don't care if I'm overly sensitive about it. He just doesn't get it. He never has, and he never will. But it actually meant something that he was willing to respect that I can't be around them, and I can't be close with people who are close with them. How can he think that that will just stop being a factor, cause we're not a couple anymore? He doesn't see that to me, that's like saying he doesn't want me to be his friend. That my wishes only mean something to him if we're a couple.

As if it wasn't enough I have to endure her presence on the team! Which is only another factor that pisses me off. I called back the fucking veto for his sake. To show him I'm willing to try, for him. And not only have I lost him, he even fucking invites her in...

One person was supportive to me about her participating. One. One person was willing to actually /hear/ me. Not just listen, nod their head, say they support me and then go "but...". And it wasn't my at-the-time-boyfriend. And I don't even expect them to, you know? I don't expect everyone to just stop knowing the people in the world who has really fucking hurt me.

But if I'm supposed to be close with someone? The someone who was involved in the whole deal, even. I can't be close to someone who's close to them. No amount of time, effort or therapy would change that, at this point. I wanted to try, I wanted to give it a go, for his sake, for our sake. But that's pretty meaningless now, isn't it? My effort wasn't enough.

I want him in my life. I want to be in his. But how the hell am I supposed to, if he invites the people who hurt me the most, to participate? What's next, he'll be buddies with my bio dad?

This is exactly why I never know if I'm able to be friends with him. Cause how the fuck do I cope if he ends up as one of those people? Again, I'm tempted to say, cause I was.. beyond miserable last time it happened.

This is one of those days where I'm full of regret.

A fool

I kept it at bay. I've really been working hard to not think about it. Obviously I miss him. Every day. Every hour.

But we have to stop. We can't keep trying and keep being wrong for eachother.

I won't even make this long. I broke today. But I refuse to keep being sad. I just won't do it. Not because I'm not sad, not because I don't want to just.. Sit down and give the fuck up. But because it will never get better unless I keep going. I want to drop out of school permanently, stay in my bed for 3 years, and never talk to anyone again. But I won't.

The thing that made up my mind? I can never, ever be what he wants, and so we'll never be happy. It goes both ways, he can't be what I want either, but it was the other part that settled it. It doesn't even matter what was said, but the sum was that I can't be both extremes of one end. I can't be both independent and at the same time love everything he says and does. I can't focus on my studies, have a family life, a social life, work out, and always have time to spontaneously drop everything to hang out or go out. I can't reload my energy by being with people, and I don't have time to do it alone without feeling guilty about it. I don't believe one person can contain all those things, at once, without draining themselves and others, or feeling like a whole person. The thing is, I feel like my personality was splitting. And that made me miserable and insecure.
So the feeling of never being able to do the right thing, won't go away. He is right. He does need more than one woman can offer.

I think.. I don't know. I hoped we would make it till Czocha, at least. I was so looking forward to actually going to a ball together... Is it bad that I feel half the trip is ruined, just cause I'll be missing out on stepping on his feet on the dancefloor? I don't dance, I hate dancing.. But I was giddy with excitement for this. It's stupid.

I just needed to make him feel better. Even if.. This is really gonna mess me up. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to be the one to give him the confidence to chat up some girl, even if it's just physical. I can't stand the thought.. It breaks my heart. Even with his reassurances that it won't happen anytime soon.. He's just not the type to deny himself, is he? And why would he? If the chance is there, and I'm not around to witness it anyway.. And what do I expect, that he'll never touch another girl, just to spare me?

And now, the feeling like an idiot kicked in. I shouldn't have given in. Cause obviously he'll already be back on his sites by now, talking to all the naked women in the world about who knows what.. Declaring his singleness and hornyness. And I just relieved the desperation..

I'm a bloody idiot for loving anyone enough to do this to myself.. I shouldn't have given in.

Nothing exciting.

Food poisoning sucks. Seriously, I never want to get another disease that chains me to the bathroom, ever again.

However. It's getting a little better. I've been wanting to do something creative all day, but I can't make up my mind, so I haven't done anything useful. I attempted to make my photoprinter work, but it won't cooperate. I am now heating random potato dish and watching Les Mis. Still makes me cry, and I haven't even gotten further than the priest giving him the candlesticks. When I've eaten I'll paint. I just decided. No idea what I'll paint yet, but I'll figure something out.

I'm getting my drivers license this year. It seems all crazy. But really cool. I'm considering whether I want to spend more of the money, or if I should just keep them for an emergency. I'm leaning one way one moment and another the next.. So many things I could do.

Finally get a decent camera. Get my tattoos done. Look into eye surgery. Go to the dentist. Not that that one will be super expensive, I just always dread it and excuse myself with not being able to afford it. Unless I have my teeth bleached I can't see it running up.
I could get decent winter boots and a new coat and finally get rid of the old stuff. I definately want to spend some money on running gear. But it won't be a lot. Maybe get like a year pass to the gym. Invest in the wool to make a real cape, and the skins for sleeping arrangements I want.

I don't know. Maybe do something nice for myself. Like a facial or a massage. Get one of those 50's dresses I've been pining for. Or the peridot necklace from etsy.

So many possibilities.

I will now become an elephant. It seems simpler.

I'm having an annoyed day. I gotta start going with my first instinct. Seriously. I'm never debating anything online again, people seem to become morons in them. I'm sure they think the same about me.
There's always a point where some people tend to go beyond the actual points being made, and focus on what they want to read into it.

I don't believe in feminism. I don't believe in masculism. I don't believe in victim blaming. And I don't believe in offender blaming either. Not as in, I don't believe those things exist, but as in I think they are equally bullshitty. And I think that one can't exist without the other, and so, in order to change one, you have to change both. I believe in equality.

I get how my arguing the defense of an offender (not a particular one, just the role of being that) could be taken as blaming the victim. Even if I do state several times that I do not blame the victim of an offense. I'm saying that you will never fix the problem if you only try to educate the offenders. I truly do believe that silent victims participate to the problem. I also believe that silent bystanders participate to the problem. And I do believe that the offender participates to the problem. Not necessarily on equal levels, but I think all three are building blocks in this society, that needs to be educated, in order to minimize offenses regarding personal boundaries.

I see these crimes as a whole. Just like the victim can have her (or his, it really doesn't matter) reasons for not saying no or correcting bad behaviour, so can the offender have his reasons to commit the offense to begin with, and so can the bystander have their reasons to turn their backs and not interfere. And again. I'm not saying they're all good reasons, or something to have sympathy with. Or something you shouldn't have sympathy with, for that matter. I'm saying there are things to be learned and improved on all around. And by only wanting to correct one of the three, very little will change. And the points of improving the offenders way of thinking had already been made. What about the victim and the bystander?

I don't see how that is victim blaming. I think it's pointing out that our whole society should be taking a crash course.

That had been annoying me since I woke up this morning. It was nice to get it out.

In sickness and health

I'm coughing like a maniac. It's horrible, half my food is coming up, too, from coughing so hard. I had avoided the snotty nose, till a few days ago. Now that's trying to suffocate me during sleep. At least the fever is down, for now.

I left him alone for a few days. Keeping any communication to the absolute minimum and most needed things. I picked up the rest of my things. It was crazy hard, especially while being sick. Carrying heavy shit up and down from the 3rd floor really isn't fun when you have no air.

And then he called. In the middle of the night, and I was asleep. I woke up to the missed calls and texts. He missed me. He wanted to discuss the possibility of trying. Finding some way. We talked till the sun was up.

We agreed on some things. We'll be living apart. Most of the things we agreed on are what's best for us right now. Obviously, some things still have me worried. What if me going into therapy doesn't work? What if it only makes things worse? Where will that leave us? What about all the female friends? I realized I'm not worried he'll fall in with anyone, anymore. I know he won't. But I am worried my.. Anxiety, as I'm pretty sure it is I suffer from, will drive a wedge between us, that could have him developing feelings for someone else.

I'll probably do about a million more blogs on how happy it makes me he's willing to try again. And at least one on a recent outing and break-in.

Honestly, I don't know if it's anxiety or my personality that makes me worry about everything. It's been there to some extend for so long I haven't been able to see it. So obviously, I've considered it a personality trait. What if it's not? What the hell is that going to do to who I am, or think I am? Makes me want to punt a kitten, as Kev would say, to think about.

I helped Alex with an essay tonight. Just proof reading and slight editing, as usual. He was worried he wouldn't be able to make it by the midnight deadline, but to my surprise, he was done by 8.30 for me to take over. And so when he was done, he told me he was going to a party. I don't really know why it made me feel a little cheated. I want him to go, it's a release party for a summer scenario we're going to, and I'm too sick to go and soak up all the info, so he should definately go and do that, so he can tell me all about it. Obviously he should also go to have fun and release some steam and see our friends. I just wish he had told me he was working furiously so he could make it to the party after. Maybe it's just my eternal need for preperations and planning. I like to know what's going on.

This is where I'm pointing out that I know it's really irrational to feel cheated that he's going out. In reality I'm just disappointed I can't come. Well, I could, but then I sure as hell would be bedridden by tomorrow, and I'm not missing out on my Baltha family gathering or the bats birthday. I'm prioritizing that. And I'll probably see him on sunday, cleaning up the motorbike together.

I don't like being sick.

Done

My feet are killing me. But it's done, no more work for now. Though they talked about rehiring me very soon. I need the money, so I'm hardpressed to say no. But damn, I never want to do a kids event again. Children are horrible.

I haven't heard from him all weekend. Not since he stopped by friday and fled the premises. I'm still kinda sore about that. I've even decided to go to my doctors appointment alone tomorrow. I wanted to ask him, but after Friday and him ignoring my texts, I don't really think I want to see him.

The bitterness is really creeping up on me, by now. I've stopped being "just" sad and started feeling hurt. I feel less and less inclined to try and stay friends, just like I said would happen. It's pretty much unbearable to see him all happy and on his merry way, without me. Not that I'm not happy he's okay, but... yeah. I don't know how he can be.

I'm getting angry on top of it all.

Most of all.. I feel terrified. I'm losing him. Completely.

Waiting

I'm beyond exhausted. The job is really hard. Not difficult, it just takes so much out of me, mentally. Keeping an eye on up to 30 kids at once can be pretty draining, even if it's only for 4 hours at a time. Always keeping an eye out for scissors, glue, knocked over glitter, or anyone too young nearing the glue gun. It would be a breeze if it wasn't for the lack of sleep. I've dozed a few times today. But only 20 minutes or so. I still only sleep 4-6 hours. Mostly it's 4. Not so much 6.

I'm eating, at least. And I made a cheesecake today, to bring with me tomorrow for the girls. Sandie really wanted me to. She even made me a valentines card and promised to beat up anyone else bringing flowers to the workshop. Cause a guy brought his wife flowers right in front of me, and she could tell from the stiffness of my movements how much it bothered me.

I've lost some weight. Not a lot, and not in a good way. But I can see it. I don't look in the mirror beyond putting the contacts in and out. I'm not really in a mood to face what this is all doing to me. I see the circles under my eyes plenty.

I need to find the will and energy to organize my things, so I can pick up the rest of it all, from him. I have neither. I just want to curl up in his arms and have everything be okay. And to tell him sorry. To make it better.

It's all been horrible today. I've felt like a giant bubble was around me. Kinda cutting me off from the world, and feeling all heavy on me. Making it hard to move or feel or breathe. Like the world is very far away, and yet pushing at me like crazy. Trying to squeeze the life out of me. The remaining life. Suffocating. It's been very cold.

I hear him when it's quiet. It's just memories and wishing, I know, my mind wanting him there so badly it pretends. I hear his laughter, his chattering, his breathing. I hear the floor give, the rattling of glass like he's doing that uneasy, restless thing with his leg. I hear his snoring and his declarations of love whispered in my hair when I try to sleep.

I keep having that feeling he'll call any minute now, telling me to come home. So I keep waiting. Feeling restless he's taking so long. Feeling stressed that I can't do something, cause it'd be interrupted really soon. Feeling like I should get going already. Feeling it useless to unpack. Feeling homesick, him being home. Feeling it stupid to even plan for getting the rest of my things. Or get fresh flowers, to replace the smell of rot. Cause I'll be going home any moment.

Right?

Rot

Why can't he just be the kind of guy who drunk-calls me cause he misses me? Or shows up unexpected cause he can't stay away? Or cause the lights are on. Or am I just not the kind of girl you do that with?

I don't get the flowers. They were free, cause the flowerist didn't want to bring them with him. Cause they're almost dead. I'm worth dead, unsellable flowers..

Why even bring them? Why try to do something for me on valentines, if it's not to be seen as a romantic gesture? It's like he wanted to do something for me, but had to downgrade it, so I wouldn't put anything into it. So why even do it?

He brought me purple flowers on a crappy day. They even have the color of lilacs, my favorites. If it had been raining, it would fit my description of a true romantic gesture.

It's confusing. I love the gesture, I just don't understand it. I wish he would be around. I wish I was surrounded by his smell in stead of the smell of dying flowers..

And I keep hearing lyrics in my head.

"I've waited a hundred years.
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for
What the privilege of being yours would do.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what I was living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Your love is my turning page,
Where only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line,
Every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who I've been for who you are,
For nothing makes me stronger than, your fragile heart.
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well, I would have known what I've been living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
When I saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees."

Happy shittytimes day.

That was the weirdest and most akward visit ever. He came by to drop off the money he owed me, which is perfect, if I'm supposed to bring cake for the girls on sunday. He brought my favorite sandwich. And flowers. They'd been giving them away, apparently. It was very sweet, really.

But it was like he couldn't get out of here fast enough. He offered to go to the doctor with me, and I appreciate that, but I really don't like that I'm apparently that horrible to be near, now. Maybe he was just afraid something would happen if he didn't go. Maybe he has somewhere to be tonight.

I'm gonna go back to my book and X-factor. And my sandwich. And hope that this day will just be overwith as fast as possible.

I hate this day. At least I got to see him for a few minutes..

Shaky facade

I've been really down today. I haven't been able to keep up the mask. I've been stiff and unsmiling, and the kids didn't talk to me much. I diverted to folding and cutting and dipping, getting ahead on materials. That way I kept busy. I want to hug him and tell him he's okay. Cause he actually has a chance to escape this. At the same time, he's right. I feel disappointed and abandoned because he can't be there for me, the way I was for him. Maybe I'm stronger, when I have to be for others, than he is. Maybe he's stronger for himself. I don't know what that makes us. I'm not sure I care.

Maybe he's healthier. For not giving everything he has, like I did. Maybe it's just our different drives. I find it easier to push myself for others than for myself. Maybe I've done it too much. Or maybe I don't have anyone to do that for, right now.

It's making me feel like crap. This mean, foul part of me, that thinks he owes me to stay with me through this. This sick, twisted person in my head, thinking that if he won't be there when I'm at my worst, the heaviest dark I've had to get through, then he doesn't have the right, or deserve, to be there when I get better. It pokes at me. No, it rips. "Will it always be like this? No one wants to face the hard work, they just want to reap the benefits. No one will ever care enough to there when I need them to."

The negative thoughts again. But they keep getting confirmed, and that makes it so much harder to think of them as untrue.

Cause I know logically that he's protecting himself. And that makes sense. But sense is not a factor that actually makes a difference to me, right now. It's all emotion. And my emotions are telling me he should be here. That I need him to get stronger, and to make him stronger. To make us stronger. My heart is telling me this is our ground zero. That this is where we could give it the real go and build our future. The start of the rest of our lifes.

I miss him so much. When I had to get on the metro today, I so wanted to get on the one towards the airport. I felt like I was choking, keeping back the tears and sobs. My heart was pounding in my ears and chest, and my hands felt all tingly. Like I wasn't getting any oxygen.

Tomorrow is valentines. I'm barricading myself. I dreamt he showed up with flowers and rain in his hair, just wanting to be back with me.. I dreamt how happy I was, and I dreamt vowing to myself that I'd make it my top priority to get better and to show him every day how much I love him. I wish that would happen. But that never happens.

I really need to figure out how to unsync our calenders. I don't want to see where he's going or with who. It kills me. I wish he'd at least aim outside the people we both see on a regular basis. Cause I'm starting to doubt I'll ever want to show up at any roleplay event ever again.

I want this job to be overwith so I can go back to being a zombie.

Exhausted with everything

I had wine today. And talked to some people at the bar. It was nice to talk geek for a bit. I made plans to see my sister next week, for cake, and to hang out with a friend I haven't seen for months. I'm kinda being overrun by guys who've spotted I'm single again, and I'm not in the mood for it. But this one, I'm more comfortable with. There are very few guys around, that I'd have faith in to not only offer cause they're sniffing around for left-overs, and he's one of the few. And he could use someone to talk to as well, so win/win, right?

I miss talking to Kev, honestly. I miss the days when I could just call him up and talk about nothing in particular. It always cheered me up to hear about his day, and, well. Just hearing his voice, really. It's still nice to see him with the kids on FB, but part of me still thinks I should be around and at least know them. My best friend's kids, little mini-Kevins. It's so weird. I hope I'll get to meet them some day. Their dad too, obviously. The point was that I've really wanted to call him these past.. 12 days. Just to hear him tell me hi and that things will be okay. Because they always turned out okay when he said it.

I still sleep like crap. Food is.. a challenge. The pain is still very real, and my mom said to me that it's nice that I'm no longer a zombie. I'm not sure I agree. Cause what I'm doing right now is a mask. It's yet another layer of defense, that's only designed to keep people from asking or finding out how I really feel. And isn't that exactly the problem? At least the zombie is honest. Real. I let the mask down when Alex was here, cause he deserves that much, even if it hurts us both. I really think it would hurt him more if I tried to fake being okay in front of him, than it does for him to know the truth. But I can't stand the reactions from other people.

I terrified about talking to my doctor on monday. Terrified. I want him with me. But I don't want to ask. Mom is going with me, but I'm not sure I can really put into words, with her there, what's going on. And he knows the problem so much better than mom does. He's lived with me through it. Just thinking about having to sit there and tell a doctor I don't like, that my head is broken and I just lost the guy I love over it, makes me want to jump off the balcony. But I don't know how else to find a kind of therapy that will help me think more positively. I don't want my life to be all the negatives first. But that's how I'm wired. Will I even still be me, if I'm rewired? It scares me.

I'm supposed to try and sleep a bit. Going back to the event tomorrow, and I should be just a bit awake for it. So that's that. At least I have money coming in next month. I've decided to check up on that job offer I got, and try and push for it a bit. If I get it, I'm not going back to school till the fall, and it'll only be part-time. I need to fix some things in myself before straining more than that.

The worst thing about sleeping is that I dream of him all the time. Last night it was us going to someplace in Norway, watching the Northern Lights. We were all clad in furs and skins, and riding dog sleds. It was a really cool dream. But I was disappointed beyond words to wake up.

I don't do the whole valentines thing, but I still got upset earlier, cause someone at the bar was talking about getting flowers. A few years back, he got me Bodil for the day before valentines. That makes it her birthday tomorrow. I know it's just an elephant, but it was a really romantic gesture. We were supposed to spend the day together, mocking the clichés..

I really do hate my life right now.

Skin on skin

He was over today. He's kinda broke, and asked if I could help, so I did. He'll pay me back when his payment comes through. I can't really say no to him.

He was so lonely, and I can't stand to see him sad, and of course it ended up.. Yeah. For an hour, I actually felt happy. I was shaking just from him letting me kiss him. In a way, I think I needed it more than he did. To smell him, touch him.. To feel that at least some part of him still wants me.

I knew it would hurt. I know it doesn't mean the same to him. And I don't want him to feel guilty, cause I could have stopped, too. He held me, after. And that meant more to me than anything else.. Even if it isn't the same comfort to him. I could finally relax, just a bit.

And then he had to leave.. He could tell something was way off. I was spending every bit of self control in me, keeping myself from begging, holding him back, pleading.. Yet, when he closed the door, the sobbing took over again. Mind numbing pain. And again, I ran to the door, calling for him through it. I stood there for quite a while, head against the door, crying for him to come back and stay with me. To please not disappear. To love me..

My head hurts and I'm throwing up again. My stomache hurts, too. I wish he would just come back. And now I just hate everything. Hate myself, hate my feelings, hate my body, hate the stupid elephant. Hate life.

Why doesn't he want me? Why can't he just... Why can't he see that this is our chance to build something solid, in stead of all the shaky crap we've been trying at forever? Cause I can. And I'm the blind one.

I still just want him and nothing else.

I ate some today. Both morning and evening. It wasn't much, but.. Well.

I'm trying to make a list of foods. I've decided to go pescetarian for a while. Try it out. I was considering going all the way, vegetarian. But I need to do more research on protein if I do that. I want to start running again. I really want that. To just.. move, and not have to think of anything but my feet and my breathing.

I made an appointment for next monday with the doctor. Gotta find therapy.

I'm still... absolutely heartbroken. I have this big, hollow, throbbing place in my chest and stomach, and nothing seems to fill it. Or even come close. He was here yesterday, and for ten minutes, I got to lay my head over his heart and just listen. And it made me feel all the things it always has. Safe. Happy. Like I belong. Like I was home. And then it hurt, cause I knew he would go away again.

When he left, I sat screaming on the floor. Hopefully he didn't hear that.. He porbably already had his headphones on. I don't think I've ever been on my knees, face to the carpet, screaming for someone to please come back. To please stay.

He promised me he won't abandon me, but.. I already feel abandoned. I know he keeps busy cause it's hard for him too, but I don't understand how he's even breathing without trouble.. Like I didn't mean that much, after all. Or maybe he just really wanted this? How is he not crippled? How can he not feel like his soulmate is missing?

And it's so.. hurtful. I know he has to think of himself, too. But it feels like I'm only worth it when I'm perfect. When I'm happy and healthy. And when I'm not, I'm... replaceable.

I need to pick up some more stuff tomorrow.. It will be horrible. I'm going to need to find the willpower to leave again. Not sure I can. He needs to leave in the afternoon, but.. I don't even know if it would be easier if he was there or not when I had to go. I'll be heartbroken no matter what.

He's getting the couch when mom buys a new one.. I hate that. The memories we made and would make on this... It has the perfect size for us both to fit, me cradled to him. I loved laying like that. And when he gets it.. He'll probably lay like that with someone else. And memories that should be ours, will be someone elses, and I don't want to resent him for it, but even the thought...
I was the one who loved that couch. I was the one who insisted we got it from Esben and Liisi when they offered. I was the one who was sure we could make room. And I was the one who slept on it when I didn't have a bed here, last time. Who took comfort in at least having this one thing to remind me of the good times.

I hate to see it.. dilluted, poluted, insulted.. It's not like the bed. I gave him that bed. It was a gift when he needed one. The couch we got together. It was ours. I don't want anyone else to have memories with it, but he and I. And I've loved this thing from day one. It's like giving up my cat all over again...

I've slept with Bodil since I got here. I'm sure someone would point out how unhealthy this all is. Sleeping on our couch, with the pillow he got for christmas and I stole, wearing his old t-shirt and clutching the elephant he gave me.. But I don't really care. They're things that remind me of him. The t-shirt is even one he wanted to throw out.. It has paint spots on it, from when we painted his apartment. But I've been wearing it to bed so often this past year, that I saved it from the pile of things to go. It's soft, and its colour is one of my favorites on him. And it feels normal to wear it. Like he's just finishing up something before joining me in bed.

It's really difficult to eat.. I'm so tense, and I almost throw up every time I sob. I'm sore and tired from it.. My head hurts so bad. He held my hand yesterday, when he forced me to go get food, and I was shaking so much I could barely open the door when we got back.. My body just finally relaxed for a bit, when he was there. When he was touching me.

I don't know how this will all affect my eating habits further on.. They're kinda fragile. I don't need for it to be more complicated.

I need him so much.. I want him here. And I love him so, so much.

Desperate regret

I couldn't hold back. I hate myself for it, I'm making him hurt. I deleted it 5 times before I couldn't anymore.

I'm praying. I'm having out loud conversations with God, pleading with him to let me fix this. Because right now, I'm not sure I'm gonna make it to saturday. Let alone after picking the rest of my things up. I can't even eat, how am I going to pack my belongings and leave the man I love behind? Knowing it was a mistake and it all went too fast. I don't even know how it happened.

I needed to hit rock bottom to know I needed help. I get that. But I hit rock bottom 4 days ago. If I sink any further, the kitchen knife is going to start looking inviting. And I absolutely can't do that to him. To my family. To anyone. Which leaves me with this.. existance. This excuse of a shell who walks around looking at these fleshy blobs at the end of her arms, and ask herself why she didn't just put them around him. Who is constantly reminded by her mistakes by the pounding in her head, from tears and regret and thoughts of why apologizing is so hard for her.

But I can't be around like that. I can't walk around like a lifeless doll. I'd rather not walk at all, than that.

I've never been this unhappy in my life.

Alcohol. That's a kind of medicine, too. Still haven't really eaten anything, so it doesn't take much. I'm trying hard to distract myself. I've started watching Matador, now. It's not helping, either.

I think I've had 12 hours of sleep since friday.. And I've spent a good while staring at walls.

I got hired for the event from saturday. So I guess I'll have to put together a mask by then. Something resembling a human. And I kinda got offered a real job, too. It's not official yet, but I'll hear back soon. It's double my students income, so it's very tempting. 8-14, 5 days a week. If they offer it, I'm taking it. I don't know about school... It seems unrealistic that I'll ever get anywhere. Why would I, I'm just the daughter of the working class. No one ever got to college level in my family, why would I? What are the odds, even. Maybe I can do evening school after a while. But let's see. It still seems unlikely I'll get it.

It would fix any money issue I might have. Even at minimum wage I'd have paid everything I owe anyone within 6 months. Including righting my balance in the bank. In a year I'd be able to pay my license myself. And be able to put money aside for a deposit. Or whatever. And that's if I don't take whatever tax return I'll get, into consideration.

And it would mean I could come home and not have to worry about homework or other stuff. I could just.. Clean up a bit, and nurse some hobbies. And get my head straight. If I was frugal I could afford therapy myself. Or maybe just push the license and do therapy in stead. But it does seem pointless.

Whatever.. That was the plans of the whole life-thing I was trying to have. Now I'm down to just exsisting. And I honestly don't care to change it. I'm just sitting here, waiting and hoping he'll call or write or show up. Like I'm just here for the weekend and he'll call at any moment and say the guys went home, and that he's missed me. Asking when I'll come home.

I don't understand how he thinks that I was the one to break up, when I didn't want to. I just wanted to clear my head and give him some space... To figure out what the hell was going on. I was just.. He told me he'd rather I slept at the old apartment. And I felt overwhelmed, cause I felt I had tried. And suddenly it had happened, and I didn't want this. But he must have.. Cause now he's the one who doesn't want me. Who doesn't love me...

I want to die.

So this is what giving up feels like..

I drank a bit. Enough to stop the shaking and the throwing up. I ordered food, but I think I ate 5 bites before tossing it. I just.. Don't need it. I only need him.

I picked up some things earlier. I've barely left the couch since. I hated it. I wanted to run to him. I wanted to lay in bed and refuse to leave. To just.. melt into the mattress and stay there. I'd at least be near him at night. But I didn't. It would hurt him. So I didn't say anything. I didn't touch him, I didn't even look at him.. Cause I would have broken even more.

I can't sleep for long. 4 hours, is the longest. I wake up crying, missing him...

I'm trying to not think. I've watched all five Twilight movies since I got home yesterday. I watched Big Bang Theory and X-factor and Familien fra Bryggen. Now I'm watching Super Bowl.. Alone. No one is mocking me for siding with Broncos. And they even had a really bad start.

Everyone are writing me. Asking, wishing well... I don't want to talk to them. To anyone. I just want to disappear. To lay on this couch and remember how it was just perfect for cuddling. Pretend I'm nestled in his nook, scorching hot... I wouldn't even mind him breathing on my face.

I feel like I'm dying. Torn open, my heart removed, freezing, starving, thirsting, insomnious and bleeding out. And I don't care. It's unimportant. What does it all matter anyway. He's probably relieved I'm gone. That he doesn't have to care anymore.. That he's finally free from me. Free to be happy and make a mess with no one to get stressed out about it. Free to be single and do all that stuff that is sure to break my heart even more, at some point. If that's possible.. It already feels replaced with nothingness.

I can't even see the point of therapy if it's not for him. I don't give a crap about regaining my footing, for me. Why even go, then? Why not just.. Finally take myself out of everyones equations. Just isolate myself till they all go away. Till they stop trying and leave me to my mind. So tempting.

To just fade away with the tears.

Too much.

I had no idea I could go this long without feeling hungry. By the time I'm done writing this, I won't have eaten for 24 hours. I'm just.. not hungry. Not thirsty. Haven't had a drop of water since I got home from the birthday. 18 hours. It's not healthy. But it just doesn't matter. The only thing I feel a need for is him. For him to tell me he'll go to therapy with me, and that we're not broken. I want to be his friend, if nothing else, but I honestly don't think I can. It's already painful. I'm going to lose him. I've lost him.

This is all too much. Losing him is that last drop that's gonna make me come undone. I can feel the seams, ripping. Tearing. And he's not here. Cause my fucking stupid brain couldn't just let me tell him I give a damn. That it's me who's broken.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I can't do this. I can't be without him.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

It's been a year since I last used this thing... I shouldn't be writing now. Really not.

Honestly? I didn't want to break up. I wanted to suggest a break, and to see that couples councelling/therapist I found. Living apart for a while.

I'm trying so hard to put into words what my throat constricts and denies me to utter. The thoughts. I guess it feels kinda like with how I explain his medicine. There's a hole in the road. And when he takes the medicine, it's filled, so drivers have a smoother trip. It feels like there's a hole in me. And that all I have for filling it is all these negative thoughts. The happy ones just.. kinda floats on top. So when you try to drive over it, it bumps up in stead, cause it's too full. There's so many worries and annoyances and angers and hurts in me, that they take up all the space. And I'm left with this.. inability to see the world as anything else than negative. Including him and everything he does.

It doesn't mean I don't love him. Or that I don't want him or need him. Or that I don't want to be that perfect person in his life... Cause I fucking do. I want that so much it makes me want to off myself when I fail. I want to be that girl who held his hand and steered him out of the crowd when he couldn't handle it, again.

I shouldn't have gone back to him last time. And I was too apart to explain to him why. I shouldn't have gone back to him, with a mind so broken, and too much fright and confusion to realise that I can't handle this on my own. But I wasn't there yet. I couldn't believe in it when he was the one to point out all the flaws. But at the same time... I don't know if I can do it without him.

But I'm tearing him apart, aren't I? Because I don't know how to build him up anymore. Or build myself up, for that matter. I know I'm the problem. And I've wanted to fix it for so long, but I haven't known where to begin.. I do, now... Now that it's too late.

I have been unhappy for a long time, yes. But I haven't had a single moment of true, unaltered happiness, without him, either. I just want him to be happy... So I guess it's idiotic to be crippled by knowing who he's with, right now. Less than a day... Sometimes, it really sucks when everything lives up to what you expected. Cause it can hurt like hell no matter if you do.

I just want to hold him.