Exhausted with everything

I had wine today. And talked to some people at the bar. It was nice to talk geek for a bit. I made plans to see my sister next week, for cake, and to hang out with a friend I haven't seen for months. I'm kinda being overrun by guys who've spotted I'm single again, and I'm not in the mood for it. But this one, I'm more comfortable with. There are very few guys around, that I'd have faith in to not only offer cause they're sniffing around for left-overs, and he's one of the few. And he could use someone to talk to as well, so win/win, right?

I miss talking to Kev, honestly. I miss the days when I could just call him up and talk about nothing in particular. It always cheered me up to hear about his day, and, well. Just hearing his voice, really. It's still nice to see him with the kids on FB, but part of me still thinks I should be around and at least know them. My best friend's kids, little mini-Kevins. It's so weird. I hope I'll get to meet them some day. Their dad too, obviously. The point was that I've really wanted to call him these past.. 12 days. Just to hear him tell me hi and that things will be okay. Because they always turned out okay when he said it.

I still sleep like crap. Food is.. a challenge. The pain is still very real, and my mom said to me that it's nice that I'm no longer a zombie. I'm not sure I agree. Cause what I'm doing right now is a mask. It's yet another layer of defense, that's only designed to keep people from asking or finding out how I really feel. And isn't that exactly the problem? At least the zombie is honest. Real. I let the mask down when Alex was here, cause he deserves that much, even if it hurts us both. I really think it would hurt him more if I tried to fake being okay in front of him, than it does for him to know the truth. But I can't stand the reactions from other people.

I terrified about talking to my doctor on monday. Terrified. I want him with me. But I don't want to ask. Mom is going with me, but I'm not sure I can really put into words, with her there, what's going on. And he knows the problem so much better than mom does. He's lived with me through it. Just thinking about having to sit there and tell a doctor I don't like, that my head is broken and I just lost the guy I love over it, makes me want to jump off the balcony. But I don't know how else to find a kind of therapy that will help me think more positively. I don't want my life to be all the negatives first. But that's how I'm wired. Will I even still be me, if I'm rewired? It scares me.

I'm supposed to try and sleep a bit. Going back to the event tomorrow, and I should be just a bit awake for it. So that's that. At least I have money coming in next month. I've decided to check up on that job offer I got, and try and push for it a bit. If I get it, I'm not going back to school till the fall, and it'll only be part-time. I need to fix some things in myself before straining more than that.

The worst thing about sleeping is that I dream of him all the time. Last night it was us going to someplace in Norway, watching the Northern Lights. We were all clad in furs and skins, and riding dog sleds. It was a really cool dream. But I was disappointed beyond words to wake up.

I don't do the whole valentines thing, but I still got upset earlier, cause someone at the bar was talking about getting flowers. A few years back, he got me Bodil for the day before valentines. That makes it her birthday tomorrow. I know it's just an elephant, but it was a really romantic gesture. We were supposed to spend the day together, mocking the clichés..

I really do hate my life right now.