I still just want him and nothing else.

I ate some today. Both morning and evening. It wasn't much, but.. Well.

I'm trying to make a list of foods. I've decided to go pescetarian for a while. Try it out. I was considering going all the way, vegetarian. But I need to do more research on protein if I do that. I want to start running again. I really want that. To just.. move, and not have to think of anything but my feet and my breathing.

I made an appointment for next monday with the doctor. Gotta find therapy.

I'm still... absolutely heartbroken. I have this big, hollow, throbbing place in my chest and stomach, and nothing seems to fill it. Or even come close. He was here yesterday, and for ten minutes, I got to lay my head over his heart and just listen. And it made me feel all the things it always has. Safe. Happy. Like I belong. Like I was home. And then it hurt, cause I knew he would go away again.

When he left, I sat screaming on the floor. Hopefully he didn't hear that.. He porbably already had his headphones on. I don't think I've ever been on my knees, face to the carpet, screaming for someone to please come back. To please stay.

He promised me he won't abandon me, but.. I already feel abandoned. I know he keeps busy cause it's hard for him too, but I don't understand how he's even breathing without trouble.. Like I didn't mean that much, after all. Or maybe he just really wanted this? How is he not crippled? How can he not feel like his soulmate is missing?

And it's so.. hurtful. I know he has to think of himself, too. But it feels like I'm only worth it when I'm perfect. When I'm happy and healthy. And when I'm not, I'm... replaceable.

I need to pick up some more stuff tomorrow.. It will be horrible. I'm going to need to find the willpower to leave again. Not sure I can. He needs to leave in the afternoon, but.. I don't even know if it would be easier if he was there or not when I had to go. I'll be heartbroken no matter what.

He's getting the couch when mom buys a new one.. I hate that. The memories we made and would make on this... It has the perfect size for us both to fit, me cradled to him. I loved laying like that. And when he gets it.. He'll probably lay like that with someone else. And memories that should be ours, will be someone elses, and I don't want to resent him for it, but even the thought...
I was the one who loved that couch. I was the one who insisted we got it from Esben and Liisi when they offered. I was the one who was sure we could make room. And I was the one who slept on it when I didn't have a bed here, last time. Who took comfort in at least having this one thing to remind me of the good times.

I hate to see it.. dilluted, poluted, insulted.. It's not like the bed. I gave him that bed. It was a gift when he needed one. The couch we got together. It was ours. I don't want anyone else to have memories with it, but he and I. And I've loved this thing from day one. It's like giving up my cat all over again...

I've slept with Bodil since I got here. I'm sure someone would point out how unhealthy this all is. Sleeping on our couch, with the pillow he got for christmas and I stole, wearing his old t-shirt and clutching the elephant he gave me.. But I don't really care. They're things that remind me of him. The t-shirt is even one he wanted to throw out.. It has paint spots on it, from when we painted his apartment. But I've been wearing it to bed so often this past year, that I saved it from the pile of things to go. It's soft, and its colour is one of my favorites on him. And it feels normal to wear it. Like he's just finishing up something before joining me in bed.

It's really difficult to eat.. I'm so tense, and I almost throw up every time I sob. I'm sore and tired from it.. My head hurts so bad. He held my hand yesterday, when he forced me to go get food, and I was shaking so much I could barely open the door when we got back.. My body just finally relaxed for a bit, when he was there. When he was touching me.

I don't know how this will all affect my eating habits further on.. They're kinda fragile. I don't need for it to be more complicated.

I need him so much.. I want him here. And I love him so, so much.