In sickness and health

I'm coughing like a maniac. It's horrible, half my food is coming up, too, from coughing so hard. I had avoided the snotty nose, till a few days ago. Now that's trying to suffocate me during sleep. At least the fever is down, for now.

I left him alone for a few days. Keeping any communication to the absolute minimum and most needed things. I picked up the rest of my things. It was crazy hard, especially while being sick. Carrying heavy shit up and down from the 3rd floor really isn't fun when you have no air.

And then he called. In the middle of the night, and I was asleep. I woke up to the missed calls and texts. He missed me. He wanted to discuss the possibility of trying. Finding some way. We talked till the sun was up.

We agreed on some things. We'll be living apart. Most of the things we agreed on are what's best for us right now. Obviously, some things still have me worried. What if me going into therapy doesn't work? What if it only makes things worse? Where will that leave us? What about all the female friends? I realized I'm not worried he'll fall in with anyone, anymore. I know he won't. But I am worried my.. Anxiety, as I'm pretty sure it is I suffer from, will drive a wedge between us, that could have him developing feelings for someone else.

I'll probably do about a million more blogs on how happy it makes me he's willing to try again. And at least one on a recent outing and break-in.

Honestly, I don't know if it's anxiety or my personality that makes me worry about everything. It's been there to some extend for so long I haven't been able to see it. So obviously, I've considered it a personality trait. What if it's not? What the hell is that going to do to who I am, or think I am? Makes me want to punt a kitten, as Kev would say, to think about.

I helped Alex with an essay tonight. Just proof reading and slight editing, as usual. He was worried he wouldn't be able to make it by the midnight deadline, but to my surprise, he was done by 8.30 for me to take over. And so when he was done, he told me he was going to a party. I don't really know why it made me feel a little cheated. I want him to go, it's a release party for a summer scenario we're going to, and I'm too sick to go and soak up all the info, so he should definately go and do that, so he can tell me all about it. Obviously he should also go to have fun and release some steam and see our friends. I just wish he had told me he was working furiously so he could make it to the party after. Maybe it's just my eternal need for preperations and planning. I like to know what's going on.

This is where I'm pointing out that I know it's really irrational to feel cheated that he's going out. In reality I'm just disappointed I can't come. Well, I could, but then I sure as hell would be bedridden by tomorrow, and I'm not missing out on my Baltha family gathering or the bats birthday. I'm prioritizing that. And I'll probably see him on sunday, cleaning up the motorbike together.

I don't like being sick.