So this is what giving up feels like..

I drank a bit. Enough to stop the shaking and the throwing up. I ordered food, but I think I ate 5 bites before tossing it. I just.. Don't need it. I only need him.

I picked up some things earlier. I've barely left the couch since. I hated it. I wanted to run to him. I wanted to lay in bed and refuse to leave. To just.. melt into the mattress and stay there. I'd at least be near him at night. But I didn't. It would hurt him. So I didn't say anything. I didn't touch him, I didn't even look at him.. Cause I would have broken even more.

I can't sleep for long. 4 hours, is the longest. I wake up crying, missing him...

I'm trying to not think. I've watched all five Twilight movies since I got home yesterday. I watched Big Bang Theory and X-factor and Familien fra Bryggen. Now I'm watching Super Bowl.. Alone. No one is mocking me for siding with Broncos. And they even had a really bad start.

Everyone are writing me. Asking, wishing well... I don't want to talk to them. To anyone. I just want to disappear. To lay on this couch and remember how it was just perfect for cuddling. Pretend I'm nestled in his nook, scorching hot... I wouldn't even mind him breathing on my face.

I feel like I'm dying. Torn open, my heart removed, freezing, starving, thirsting, insomnious and bleeding out. And I don't care. It's unimportant. What does it all matter anyway. He's probably relieved I'm gone. That he doesn't have to care anymore.. That he's finally free from me. Free to be happy and make a mess with no one to get stressed out about it. Free to be single and do all that stuff that is sure to break my heart even more, at some point. If that's possible.. It already feels replaced with nothingness.

I can't even see the point of therapy if it's not for him. I don't give a crap about regaining my footing, for me. Why even go, then? Why not just.. Finally take myself out of everyones equations. Just isolate myself till they all go away. Till they stop trying and leave me to my mind. So tempting.

To just fade away with the tears.