Desperate regret

I couldn't hold back. I hate myself for it, I'm making him hurt. I deleted it 5 times before I couldn't anymore.

I'm praying. I'm having out loud conversations with God, pleading with him to let me fix this. Because right now, I'm not sure I'm gonna make it to saturday. Let alone after picking the rest of my things up. I can't even eat, how am I going to pack my belongings and leave the man I love behind? Knowing it was a mistake and it all went too fast. I don't even know how it happened.

I needed to hit rock bottom to know I needed help. I get that. But I hit rock bottom 4 days ago. If I sink any further, the kitchen knife is going to start looking inviting. And I absolutely can't do that to him. To my family. To anyone. Which leaves me with this.. existance. This excuse of a shell who walks around looking at these fleshy blobs at the end of her arms, and ask herself why she didn't just put them around him. Who is constantly reminded by her mistakes by the pounding in her head, from tears and regret and thoughts of why apologizing is so hard for her.

But I can't be around like that. I can't walk around like a lifeless doll. I'd rather not walk at all, than that.