Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

It's been a year since I last used this thing... I shouldn't be writing now. Really not.

Honestly? I didn't want to break up. I wanted to suggest a break, and to see that couples councelling/therapist I found. Living apart for a while.

I'm trying so hard to put into words what my throat constricts and denies me to utter. The thoughts. I guess it feels kinda like with how I explain his medicine. There's a hole in the road. And when he takes the medicine, it's filled, so drivers have a smoother trip. It feels like there's a hole in me. And that all I have for filling it is all these negative thoughts. The happy ones just.. kinda floats on top. So when you try to drive over it, it bumps up in stead, cause it's too full. There's so many worries and annoyances and angers and hurts in me, that they take up all the space. And I'm left with this.. inability to see the world as anything else than negative. Including him and everything he does.

It doesn't mean I don't love him. Or that I don't want him or need him. Or that I don't want to be that perfect person in his life... Cause I fucking do. I want that so much it makes me want to off myself when I fail. I want to be that girl who held his hand and steered him out of the crowd when he couldn't handle it, again.

I shouldn't have gone back to him last time. And I was too apart to explain to him why. I shouldn't have gone back to him, with a mind so broken, and too much fright and confusion to realise that I can't handle this on my own. But I wasn't there yet. I couldn't believe in it when he was the one to point out all the flaws. But at the same time... I don't know if I can do it without him.

But I'm tearing him apart, aren't I? Because I don't know how to build him up anymore. Or build myself up, for that matter. I know I'm the problem. And I've wanted to fix it for so long, but I haven't known where to begin.. I do, now... Now that it's too late.

I have been unhappy for a long time, yes. But I haven't had a single moment of true, unaltered happiness, without him, either. I just want him to be happy... So I guess it's idiotic to be crippled by knowing who he's with, right now. Less than a day... Sometimes, it really sucks when everything lives up to what you expected. Cause it can hurt like hell no matter if you do.

I just want to hold him.