Shaky facade

I've been really down today. I haven't been able to keep up the mask. I've been stiff and unsmiling, and the kids didn't talk to me much. I diverted to folding and cutting and dipping, getting ahead on materials. That way I kept busy. I want to hug him and tell him he's okay. Cause he actually has a chance to escape this. At the same time, he's right. I feel disappointed and abandoned because he can't be there for me, the way I was for him. Maybe I'm stronger, when I have to be for others, than he is. Maybe he's stronger for himself. I don't know what that makes us. I'm not sure I care.

Maybe he's healthier. For not giving everything he has, like I did. Maybe it's just our different drives. I find it easier to push myself for others than for myself. Maybe I've done it too much. Or maybe I don't have anyone to do that for, right now.

It's making me feel like crap. This mean, foul part of me, that thinks he owes me to stay with me through this. This sick, twisted person in my head, thinking that if he won't be there when I'm at my worst, the heaviest dark I've had to get through, then he doesn't have the right, or deserve, to be there when I get better. It pokes at me. No, it rips. "Will it always be like this? No one wants to face the hard work, they just want to reap the benefits. No one will ever care enough to there when I need them to."

The negative thoughts again. But they keep getting confirmed, and that makes it so much harder to think of them as untrue.

Cause I know logically that he's protecting himself. And that makes sense. But sense is not a factor that actually makes a difference to me, right now. It's all emotion. And my emotions are telling me he should be here. That I need him to get stronger, and to make him stronger. To make us stronger. My heart is telling me this is our ground zero. That this is where we could give it the real go and build our future. The start of the rest of our lifes.

I miss him so much. When I had to get on the metro today, I so wanted to get on the one towards the airport. I felt like I was choking, keeping back the tears and sobs. My heart was pounding in my ears and chest, and my hands felt all tingly. Like I wasn't getting any oxygen.

Tomorrow is valentines. I'm barricading myself. I dreamt he showed up with flowers and rain in his hair, just wanting to be back with me.. I dreamt how happy I was, and I dreamt vowing to myself that I'd make it my top priority to get better and to show him every day how much I love him. I wish that would happen. But that never happens.

I really need to figure out how to unsync our calenders. I don't want to see where he's going or with who. It kills me. I wish he'd at least aim outside the people we both see on a regular basis. Cause I'm starting to doubt I'll ever want to show up at any roleplay event ever again.

I want this job to be overwith so I can go back to being a zombie.