He was over today. He's kinda broke, and asked if I could help, so I did. He'll pay me back when his payment comes through. I can't really say no to him.
He was so lonely, and I can't stand to see him sad, and of course it ended up.. Yeah. For an hour, I actually felt happy. I was shaking just from him letting me kiss him. In a way, I think I needed it more than he did. To smell him, touch him.. To feel that at least some part of him still wants me.
I knew it would hurt. I know it doesn't mean the same to him. And I don't want him to feel guilty, cause I could have stopped, too. He held me, after. And that meant more to me than anything else.. Even if it isn't the same comfort to him. I could finally relax, just a bit.
And then he had to leave.. He could tell something was way off. I was spending every bit of self control in me, keeping myself from begging, holding him back, pleading.. Yet, when he closed the door, the sobbing took over again. Mind numbing pain. And again, I ran to the door, calling for him through it. I stood there for quite a while, head against the door, crying for him to come back and stay with me. To please not disappear. To love me..
My head hurts and I'm throwing up again. My stomache hurts, too. I wish he would just come back. And now I just hate everything. Hate myself, hate my feelings, hate my body, hate the stupid elephant. Hate life.
Why doesn't he want me? Why can't he just... Why can't he see that this is our chance to build something solid, in stead of all the shaky crap we've been trying at forever? Cause I can. And I'm the blind one.
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