I've never been this unhappy in my life.

Alcohol. That's a kind of medicine, too. Still haven't really eaten anything, so it doesn't take much. I'm trying hard to distract myself. I've started watching Matador, now. It's not helping, either.

I think I've had 12 hours of sleep since friday.. And I've spent a good while staring at walls.

I got hired for the event from saturday. So I guess I'll have to put together a mask by then. Something resembling a human. And I kinda got offered a real job, too. It's not official yet, but I'll hear back soon. It's double my students income, so it's very tempting. 8-14, 5 days a week. If they offer it, I'm taking it. I don't know about school... It seems unrealistic that I'll ever get anywhere. Why would I, I'm just the daughter of the working class. No one ever got to college level in my family, why would I? What are the odds, even. Maybe I can do evening school after a while. But let's see. It still seems unlikely I'll get it.

It would fix any money issue I might have. Even at minimum wage I'd have paid everything I owe anyone within 6 months. Including righting my balance in the bank. In a year I'd be able to pay my license myself. And be able to put money aside for a deposit. Or whatever. And that's if I don't take whatever tax return I'll get, into consideration.

And it would mean I could come home and not have to worry about homework or other stuff. I could just.. Clean up a bit, and nurse some hobbies. And get my head straight. If I was frugal I could afford therapy myself. Or maybe just push the license and do therapy in stead. But it does seem pointless.

Whatever.. That was the plans of the whole life-thing I was trying to have. Now I'm down to just exsisting. And I honestly don't care to change it. I'm just sitting here, waiting and hoping he'll call or write or show up. Like I'm just here for the weekend and he'll call at any moment and say the guys went home, and that he's missed me. Asking when I'll come home.

I don't understand how he thinks that I was the one to break up, when I didn't want to. I just wanted to clear my head and give him some space... To figure out what the hell was going on. I was just.. He told me he'd rather I slept at the old apartment. And I felt overwhelmed, cause I felt I had tried. And suddenly it had happened, and I didn't want this. But he must have.. Cause now he's the one who doesn't want me. Who doesn't love me...

I want to die.