Life continues..

Sometimes, things just happen really fast. The dinner last week went... Well. It went. It was hard as hell. I didn't get through it without tears, but I kept most of them at bay. I was trying so hard to behave like a proper ex, and not hurt him. I just have no idea how to do that, so it's all gut feeling. I hope I can manage it. He's not doing very well, and I so want him to find his feet. I feel guilty over doing well myself. I'm glad he told me, though. He can't go missing from the world, he means too much. And I'll drop whatever to take him to get help, if he needs it. Even if.. I know he thinks it's a bad idea that it should be me. And I expect he feels it adds to how we were always.. Uneven, in lack of a better word, after I helped him out of his depression. I know he feels bad for not being able to stick out the hard times for me, like I did for him. And I'm not gonna lie and say a part of me is not disappointed. But I get it. It was hard on me back then, too, and I considered giving up on several occasions. He doesn't have the resources, and I don't blame him. Not truly.
So I get it if he doesn't want to add to that feeling, but.. It's about him being alive. And that kinda outweighs the other stuff.

It was pretty hard, when we walked to the subway.. This.. Gigantic mural appeared right in front of us. A+C with a heart. We had just split to go our separate ways, and he stood right in front of it, and while my stomach dropped, he turned around to point it out. My heart just.. Broke. We had both thought the same thing. A week before, we would have been excited, and taken silly couples pictures, making faces, kissing.. And now it was just fate kicking us in the fucking face. I cried all the way to the harbour, and it was like.. Like I was mourning everything we had and lost.
But I decided that I would be okay. So that's what I'm going to be.

On a whole other note, I left Baltha. And I almost started spilling all my frustration tonight, but he didn't need that. So I kept quiet. And the last of the drama probably hasn't commenced yet. We'll see.

Ugh. I'm too tired to detail everything. And I'd much rather save my energy for tomorrow night. Dinner and good company will be awesome, especially this company. Our conversations always just.. Run amok. Time tends to fly, and suddenly it's really late. I'm excited to see where it goes. For now, we're just enjoying flirting. And that feels nice. He makes me smile.