The burden of solitude.

This is the second night in a row I go to bed with a sour taste in my mouth. I don't know, it's probably stupid. It's not like I want to confront him about it, I'm just so disappointed he lied to me. Again. I didn't want to do the birthday in the first place, and he was the one to talk me into it, and then when I can't get out of it and were not together anymore, he leaves early and lies about the reason. He can do whatever he wants, I'm really fucking doing everything in my power to back off and leave him to find himself, but does he have to lie?!

I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

On top of that, it's like.. He keeps saying how much he wants us to be friends, how much it means to him. Yet, it's not like we really talk. At all. The few times we have, has been "Hi, you have my... Can I drop by to pick up... Hope you're doing okay.".
I feel a bit abandoned.

Hearing him tell he was happy I'd found someone new.. Jesus. I wanted to scream at him that I haven't. That it was pure stupidity and lack of judgement. That it wasn't.. Good. That it wasn't him. That I felt absolutely nothing. That I'm only trying to fool myself into feeling enough to be distracted. That I wish he would make all the unwanted attention go away.

Cause oh my god. This one guy, a friend, has written or called daily since Friday, to hang out. We're watching a movie tomorrow, and I'm planning to friendzone him so solidly he might think he hit a brick wall. I'm not getting into anything with someone who's currently divorcing one of my friends, and who has a kid. No. Just hell no. I like him as a friend, he's cool and we click and we can talk about the difficult stuff, but no. No romancing. No flinging, even.

The other one is.. Trying to be something he's not and never will be. And I'm keeping him at arms length. I don't want all the crap. Coming over just to sleep? No. Just no. That's boyfriend behaviour, and I said no. Cause yes, he can make me smile and laugh, but he's also too caring, too involved, trying to be too close. Suffocating. I know it's cause he does care, cause he's been just waiting to be my world, but I don't want a new world. I want my world to be about me for a while. Cause it was about.. One of the people I have loved most, ever, for a long time. And I need to reroute a lot of shit in my brain and heart. I expect that to take years. So I'm not interested in playing house, and I've made that brutally clear.

I'm just.. I'm not ready for all that. I tested the waters, and they were frozen solid. So no. Nun-break.

I don't know, I feel like he's avoiding me. He left Junction early, too. Shortly after I got there. And, I know it's so stupid but... I was looking forward to playing with him at CoW. And now I dread it. His character is so fucking mean to mine, I don't know if I'll be able to not break down if he acts like that ingame.. It feels horrible. We won't have a relation. And it's not like I lack relations or anything to do there, it's just.. We were supposed to do this together. I hate this.

And there came the waterworks. I miss him. I'm so paranoid about his behaviour I even thought maybe he was the one who got me ininvited to a CoW thing tonight. It's probably just this girl I have a relation to's way of kicking off our actual relation, but..I don't know. It made me sad in real life, cause I didn't get why I wasn't welcome, so we could workshop.

I know nothing. I'm really just sad and confused and hurt. But I have to put my brave face on and power through. Cause he can't be strong for me, this time, I have to be the strong one.

I wish he could just be my friend long enough to hug me and tell me we would be fine. That we'll figure this friendship thing out. But I'm not gonna ask anything of him. He needs me not to.

Shit.