To be or not to be

Still alive! That is right, Peepers, you're not free of me just yet.

Taking off for Czocha in a week. I look forward to playing something completely different this time, but it won't be the same, emotionwise. A lot of my people are missing. And I know that's taking a bit of the air off the balloon for me. But I have lower expectations, so I suspect I'll be positively surprised.

The Dutchman has been in a bit of a run, bit we finally pushed through to a better place, and now there's takeoff from Boston, and everything will be more fun! There's been some admin heavy duties, for example we had to ask a player to leave. She was just too young, and mentally not prepared to hold her own. Too insecure, too nervous, too afraid. We have now set an agelimit. No minors. Except one, who's almost 18, and whom we know from elsewhere, and know she can manage. Actually, she's doing awesome.

Sach.. Actually got engaged. Which I did not see coming at all. I'll tell the story of him and Natalia soon, maybe after the ceremony, but for now: He found himself a passionate spirit like his own. And while they're all temper and high waves, they are perfect. I created a woman, too. Noelle Travert. She only just really got interesting, but she's quite flirtatious and adventurous. On the run from a French armada, but hey.. The pirates will be told.. Eventually.

I went to watch Hamlet last night, and I was so blown away I couldn't even cry. I laughed a few times, it was quite funny. Bit so fucking tragic and beautiful. Insanely so. And Cumberbatch was.. God. So passionate, so emotional, so fucking beautiful in each depiction of sorrow and grief. The way his voice broke and got hoarse.. You wanted to jump into the screen and hold him. So bad.
And the scenery was bloody brilliant! It's not my last National Theatre Live show. I hope Hamlet will be available on DVD some day. I want that show so much.

Anyway Peepers. I'm beat. On penicillin for almost a week now. Bacterial infection in my saliva gland.. Yay. But I'll be healthy by Czocha. I think.

Sweet dreams.

Roleplay ahoy!

First lab day out of three, tomorrow! I just hope I won't make an idiot out of myself. I can't pronounce half the fucking words in the book XD

Anyway. The Crying Dutchman is going great! When M suggested we leave the vampire site and make our own stuff, I didn't expect it would be so popular and fun! Our pirates are awesome! I like that we're doing well as admins and gm's. We're a team, along with two other friends, and it's working really well. It's taking a huge toll on my sleeping habits, though XD

T came by in the weekend and spent the night. After we went for a long walk late at night, and ended up having a long ingame talk in a fucking bush in the middle of nowhere XD Very intimate and serious. But that was the plan. I can't wait to see how it'll affect our game from here and out XD Little miss Emma is trying to fix her problems. I hope it won't get her into worse ones.

So I've been talking to the school about letting me go all flex. It really does stress me out to be in a classroom. If I have to, I'll talk to my doctor again, about it. I have to be honest with myself and accept my limitations. And being in a room with so many people who are utter morons have the same effect on me as a bad day with my grandparents. Whom I haven't seen for almost 3 weeks for the same reason..

So that's a thing. However! I'm now in an intense acid treatment. For another week and a half, I need to take these evil looking pills twice a day, and then once a day for another two weeks. I'm going back to my doc on the 8th for some test results, which I'm kinda nervous about. But at least the pills seem to be working really well. I just need to know if I have to go on antibiotics as well, and some other stuff.

But it's all okay, you know? I have it under control, and I'm a step ahead on things. In a few weeks I'll be 26 and on my way to Poland again. I don't have time to do a huge thing, so it'll probably just be a visit to that Spanish restaurant with the parents, like I was talking about. Not doing a party this year! I will probably invite people to the Bastard Café to hang, though. Open invite type thing. Half the people I want there can't be there anyway, so I don't want to make a huge deal. But again, it's all fine ^.^

I'll probably write something about my pirate character soonish, but I'm beat right now. Sachairi MacCionaodha. Yes. That's Scottish. And pronounced like Zachary McKenna. He's a fucking dog. And I love getting to be a jackass for once. One woman already attempted to gut him. I really think he deserves it XD

Night, Peepers. Smile at cashiers. But don't chat with them, that's fucking weird.

Male masturbation and anal expectations

So. I can't sleep. I've been trying for two hours, and it's not really happening. But phonetyping makes me sleepy, so I'm giving it a shot.

Warning, this is a kind of explicit blog, so get the F out if you're a dainty flower.

Before I went to bed, this evening's conversation had taken the usual "dark side of the interwebs" turn, which is tradition when one of us passes 2am. Yes, M and I were discussing the horrors of modern sex toys. Kinda sprung from a convo about this children's toy, which both his girlfriend and I remember from middle school, but no one remembers the name of (the endless and persistent googling paid off, it can be found by searching for "water snake wigglies"!). Anyhow, I now finally have a picture of one to show him, and even a YouTube vid of how it moves! Yay! If you want to be grossed out, search YouTube for "Splorch".

But! One thing led to another, in my obsessive googling session. I started looking at male masturbation toys, cause, well, it occurred to me I have very little knowledge on the market for males, with that stuff, and then to sexual preferences, and from there to sexual fantasies, and finally I landed on disappointment with experiences. All from the male perspective.

Now, most of these seemed to be the disappointment on anal not working out, and how much that sucks when you've been wanting to try it, and for a list of reasons it fails. And I have things to say. Guys.. Jesus Christ. I forgive it, cause honestly, from these discussions, it's obviously lack of preparation that is the issue, but I'd like to give a few pointers and comments on the general topic. Cause your knowledge was not impressive either. Or your manners and attitude.

First of all, stop blaming the girl for it if it doesn't work. I'm sorry, bit it's just not for everyone. If you really want to argue this point with your girl, I suggest you let her shove something up your behind, before asking her to let you do the same. Just to get on the same page.

Some women are just too sensitive, too tight (that's generally only a plus for you), too tense or just not fucking into it. Don't complain. If it hurts, you need to respect that and back off.

That brings us to my second point. Doing it right. Anal is not a spur of the moment thing. Unless you have an experienced partner who knows how to make it easier for both of you, and who knows her body well enough to make it relax when it's actively fighting the intrusion. Cause make no mistake, gentlemen: That entrance was only designed to be an exit, and it will fight you tooth and nail to keep it that way. Keep that in mind, when you're all about the back door and your lady is hesitant. She is fighting nature to do that for you, mkay?

So the secrets here are as I said. Preparation. Most girls will have two concerns before you're even naked, so see to these first: Pain and cleanliness. Everyone involved will be happier if she gets to do some personal hygiene before that whole thing takes place. Seriously. Noone can relax while worrying if stuff will get all over the sheets. A hot shower or bath is also relaxing and might just help her loosen up a bit beforehand. Major plus.
I'm not gonna get into the details of how, here, I'm sure that's fairly obvious to all. If not, here's a fine opportunity to ask Siri something fun. Or Google it. You'll find there's even devices designed for it, if you want to get fancy.

Anyhow. Pain! It's a thing. And 9/10 women I've heard dislike anal, was because it hurt too much. In some cases, and note the "some" is not an "all" or "most", the pain is due to the fact that guys have this idea that they can just shove it up there. Other guys think that "Oh, but I used lube." and first of all, good for you! Really awesome move! But it still doesn't mean you can just poke your way in there. The muscle you're pushing past is fucking strong and very tight. Even more so if the girl is nervous and tense. So be prepared to do some digital stimulation, or go find something else to fuck. I'm not even kidding. Google the water snake, it's a good option.

Lube is also a necessity. Do. Not. Cut. Corners. It's not a porn movie where your leading lady can magically accommodate 3 huge dicks (pardon my french), and if you think that stuff is real, you need to ask someone to hit you over the head with a heavy object.

This brings me to my third point. Position. In the movies, you guys always see anal portrayed in doggystyle. Kneeling on a bed, bent over a desk, tied to some weird bdsm bench that no one even knows what's called. Stop. Just stop. The most uncomfortable position to do anal in as a beginner, is in any bent over position. It's awesome for you! You get to go all deep and see what you're doing and all that stuff you like. But it's a position that demands straining muscles from your girl. And that means tensing. Tensing means pain. So please stop being so focused on what the movies show you, in that department. Letting her lie on her stomach or doing a spooning position will make it easier to relax for her. In the spooning position she'll even have more control, which can help if she's really nervous.

A tip for the ladies? Take the lead with the initial penetration. Make him stay still and do small rocking motions, so you get used to the sensation. And guys, do not fucking surge in, okay? The head of your thingamabob is a lot more squishy than the base, and the base tends to be thicker than the middle of your shaft, so the head is tricky, but the base is challenge to be reckoned with. Let her help. Let her be the judge of how deep she's ready to go. Let her do what feels good to her. Cause let's face it, she's the one having a hard time here. Even experienced ladies can have a bad day with this.

But! Even with all the preparation and technique and tricks in the book, you need to understand that it's just not a possibility for everyone. More importantly, you need to respect it. And you need to stop complaining about it as if you're being denied a basic human right. It's any person's right to say no to something they don't like or are not comfortable with. I'm not saying you're not allowed to say "Aw, too bad, I really wanted to try that." I'm saying that when things like "She's so uptight about it." and "She keeps making excuses, like it hurts too much." come out of your mouth, I kinda wanna shove an Orca (the sex toy, Google it if you're unfamiliar) up your ass, to the hilt, just to see if it'll work as a dental guard when I slap you afterwards. And I'm not the only one.

So that would conclude my guide and threats, Peepers. I'm finally tired. Stop being entitled assholes. No pun intended.

Polyamorosity and men who are jerks

I have started believing I have a beacon on me. This shiny light that points to me. Flashing brightly. What it says?

"POLY'S THIS WAY!"

Seriously, what is that about? I keep being hit on by guys in open relationships. Do I have a magnet somewhere? I've been flirting with a guy for a while, and really, it's only been for fun and kinda jokingly. He's cute and all, but I barely know him and I didn't instantspark with him. (And I only ever fall in love with people I instantspark with, so in all cases, it would never be a thing thing.)

Anyway. Last weekend, he writes me to ask if we should meet. And I'm instantly like.. Nope. And he was very sad about that, and thought he had to explain to me he's in an open marriage, but I told him I know. It only changes things on his end, though, not mine. And I explained to him that I respect and even admire his lifestyle, but it's not for me, and I don't wish to be involved with someone in an open relationship, cause it's too complicated.

One thing is the wife who's the primary partner, another thing is the kids, and a third is the lack of balance in a relationship like that. It's just not for me. I don't have the capacity to care that deeply for more than one person. That one person becomes my closest and most trusted relationship. And if that is not reciprocated, if I'm not that to my partner as well, I don't function. It's not about attention, though I do demand my partners full attention romantically, it's about both people wanting the same thing, and the expectations to eachother being similar enough that the relationship is balanced. That has taken me years to learn and to truly understand that I need.

And it makes sorting through the candidates so much easier. I'm not interested in a partner right now anyway, but it's really a criteria that's important when that changes.

Another thing, related though. Cause it really drove the complication point home.

I did have a friend sleep over recently. A friend I am very much physically attracted to. And he told me his relationship allows for fooling around with others. Now, I'm only human. And while I resisted temptation for a good long while, his sneaky snuggling and apparent reaction to me ended up paying off. I didn't sleep with him. And everything pleasurable was to his benefit, cause I did not want to give myself. Pretty fucking impressive self control, considering it's been since New Years.

However. We slept, we got up early and ate breakfast, and I sent him off to the thing that had him needing a place to crash. Everything is good! The next week, I'm supposed to have brunch with his girlfriend. He calls me when he learns this, to make sure I'm not about to tell her.

... Um. Okay, several things. One: I don't usually discuss my sexlife with people unless they are, are about to be, or at least have a chance of becoming, part of it. I just don't have a need for everyone to know who and where and how hard, okay? Two: Why the fuck would I talk to your girlfriend about it, that would be awkward as hell. Three: Why is this a secret? If you guys have an open thing going on, it isn't a problem. Right?

Well. It was more like they had discussed it, but now that he brought it up again, she had kinda been opposed to it..

..... What? No, I mean, WHAT?! What the fuck, dude?!

A very.. I held back so hard, so the word tight comes to mind.. Conversation followed. I "asked" (demanded) that he told her. I do not want to be some dirty little secret of his. Of anyones. I did the "other woman" thing once. And no matter how drunk or distraught I was, and no matter how drunk and I-don't-even-know the guy was, what we did was not okay. On one hand, I'm glad we got it out of our systems, but on the other, and let's just call it the primary hand, I regret what happened so hard, because I KNOW how much it hurt to be his girlfriend when she was told. I don't want to repeat that. But apparently, unknowingly, I did.

So a number of things have come out of this incident. First, he was told to tell her. And he did. So that's good. She forgave him and has no problem with me over it, so awesome. Second, I am never letting him even hold my hand again. I don't do liars and cheaters. Next time he needs a place to crash, he can cross me off the fucking list. Third, I give up! You can't even trust your friends not to screw you over anymore? Pun not intended.

Ugh!

Stop being asses, Peepers.

This weird little thing..

Okay, so recently I came across this concept called It Works. It's a line of skin products, that does a ton of stuff. I decided to try it out, seeing how many positive results I found. I'm testing out an herbal wrap. It tightens up the skin, shapes the body and releases stored crap from your cells or something. You put on the wrap at the area you want to affect, rub it a bit, wrap it up so it won't move around, sit back and relax. You have to drink a lot during, water only. And in the following days you need to drink 2-3 liters a day. Still only water. I guess it's a cleansing process.

All I can say is it works. So the name is fitting. I've lost inches around my midsection, and it's active still. I did my upper arms tonight, and I can see the difference already. I'm constantly thirsty, though, and I think the cleansing process makes you release toxins through the water, so I have to pee all the time, and I just want to have a straw in my mouth constantly. But it's working.

I have two wraps left for this month. I'm going to do another one on my stomach, and split one to do my neck and the right arm again. I didn't wrap that one properly, I think, the effect wasn't as big there as the left. It's kind of expensive, but who gives a fuck if it takes an inch off you each time, and tightens up the skin, too?! They also have a cleansing cream and a stretchmark cream. I'm so going to try out everything! I can live with smelling like eucalyptus for this effect.

Smooooooth operator.

Oh Merlin. You know, sometimes, I'm just the thickest fucking fuck. Why is it, Peepers, that I cannot see when guys are flirting with me?! It's not like I never can. But there are really moments where I'm about as smooth as the Grand Canyon.

Seriously. I'm the girl who goes "Oh, you're actually doing it. Okay.." when a guy is about to kiss me. I'm the girl who's like "I really admire the style of the offer, but I'm gonna have to say no. Is that okay?".... /Is that okay?/ Yeah. I know.

And tonight, I was the girl who got a compliment and went "If you keep it up, I'm gonna have to assume you're flirting with me." Yes, ladybugs and gentlestuds, I called a guy out on his attempt at flirting. His attempt at beating me over the head with a fucking stick to make me notice. And I go ahead, smooth as fuck, and basically throw a neonsign on him, point and giggle and go "Oh THAT'S what you're doing?!"

For Circe's sake. It's fine, cause I'm not interested in him, so it's not like I blew something important. I'm just incredibly impressed with my own lack of skills, here. Call out a boy on his feelers. He was testing the waters, it was so obvious on hindsight. And I think he has had an interest for a while. But because I'm about as elegant as a blind infant giraffe, I decided to point spotlights at him the second it dawned on me.

I deserve a fucking prize.

Yeah. So that's that.

He kept flirting though.

Just an update. Also! Meet Riley!

I went to watch Inside Out last night. Oh my god, Peepers! If you watch it, bring tissues! There's a shortfilm before the movie. And if it doesn't make you cry, I assume you're a robot, zombie or a psychopath. The movie itself also is amazing, and you should totally watch it.

Anyhow. I watched it as a reward for myself! I finished my first biology report in 6 hours and 20 minutes. It was estimated to take 12 hours. And that is a win I sorely needed. See, this whole school business has been difficult for me for the past couple of years. I know I'm more than smart enough to pass with good grades. But my ocd tends to peek it's head up and start going "Good grades? Nono darling. The best grade. Not good enough. Are you sure about that part? Did you check your grammar? You can't turn this in, no don't look at the deadline! It needs to be better. Needs to be perfect. Go ahead, obsess."

So being able to do both research,  test and report in half the estimated time, turn it in way before it's due, and be okay with it potentially having flaws? It tells me how far I've come. And I'm so happy for it.

I've decided it's time to get the next tattoo this fall. M turned out to represent the perfect solution for the band around my arm. It'll be the river Thames, seen from above. And I'll have charms to represent my mom, my granddad, my sister, the Bat, R, G, K and myself. And CoW. Well, the concept of magic. A wand. And I can just add to it as the years pass.

R commented that it should be the representation of myself that connected the rest. That the river should be for me. So I told her that wasn't important. My skin carried them all. And honestly, if it wasn't for M, I probably wouldn't be in as good a place as I am, today. He has become an essential part of me. Even if we stopped speaking right now, he would be part of me forever. He's one of my puzzlepieces. One of those people you're not whole without. He was always missing, even before I knew him. So he gets to be the river. He's a lifechanger.

I'm paying my CoW ticket tomorrow, and I already booked my flights and seats on the bus. I need a hotel in Berlin for one night, which I'm also booking tomorrow. It's reality. Riley Novak, prefect of house Durentius. Czocha, I'm coming home! When M comes home from the stupid block of ice, we're considering doing a run as teachers together. But that would be next November. Plenty of time to plan. It feels weird that he won't be going this time.

But Riley.. She is a bundle of joy. Isolated and abused since she was little, illiterate when she finally attended school at 12, turned out to be quite the little wonderchild, and a super powerful witch. She's not abusive with those powers. She's actually somewhat a peacekeeper. She doesn't take sides. She just finds fighting a waste of time. It doesn't solve anything, it escalates conflicts, and she likes to work toward goals. She won't hold back from cursing someone who doesn't calm down when asked.

She has four cats. Mopsy, Dot, Vance and Zazzles. They move a lot. She doesn't feel at home anywhere. She feels lost and she doesn't even really care about that. It's an emotion, and emotions are useless. She taught herself not to feel, to mentally escape the abuse. She's a bit of a robot. Right now, they live in Sweden. She's originally from Czech, but she never goes there anymore. Not after she went away to school. Oh yeah, the reason she could finally go? Her father tried to rape her, and her magic chose to manifest at that moment. She killed him. The ministry excused it as an accident, uncontrolled magic happens to youngsters, and it was clearly self defense. But she meant to. She wished and wanted him to die. She wanted him to suffer and be in pain and die horribly. And he did. I haven't mentioned it anywhere yet, but if it comes up.. She split him in pieces. Knuckle by knuckle, finger by finger, toe by toe, wrists, ankles, knees, elbows, shoulders, thighs. Every part, severed. One by one. His genitals first, though. And her magic kept him alive to feel every single bit of it, till she finally took off his head.

See, from the moment Riley had her magic, she has been in control of it. She doesn't need a wand. She has been forced to use one, by the ministry. Not wielding a wand makes people nervous. And it is powerful magic to come from a witch who wills it to happen.

Her teachers at Balt Meddin supervised her. Walked on eggshells. They expected her to go crazy. And the longer she didn't, the more worried they became. They kept her under surveillance. There was always a staffmember nearby. But Riley was too busy studying, devouring knowledge, to care. She did notice. She just disregarded their presence as unimportant to her.

I'm considering letting a report from Balt Meddin surface. Like a.. Warning. To the new school they were sensing her off to. Just let it surface in the teacher's lounge at random. A report that says to watch out for her. To not let her into positions of power, as they're afraid what it will do to her. If it'll provoke something in her. Trigger her inner maniac.

This run will be weird and dark and amazing. I look forward to freaking people out.

The Potter Party I can't spell to

The big Potter Party was this weekend. It was so much fun. I really had a blast, talking to a bunch of people, old friends and new, dancing and having a few drinks, admiring the decorations, voting for the best costume, laughing into the night. I even had a tiny cuddle puddle! And one of the swedes, who was there, did magic tricks for me!

I had a really good talk with N about the relation we wanted if we were going to the same run. He had been so surprised when I had been up for it to be both emotional and physical abuse, and when he had talked about his character to one of the people responsible for that kind of thing, she had pointed out it wasn't so weird, when it was me XD And I was like.. "Ah. You talked to F, I assume. Yeah, she used to live next door..."

But then we talked about how he had actually already concluded that either, there was a rp-story of experience behind my casual willingness to play that, or there was an actual history of experience. He told me he was Dominant himself, and when he first approached me about the relation, it had been his spidey sense telling him I'd be a good choice. So we agreed his radar must be working well XD

And I'm not going to lie and say there wasn't a reaction when he did the hair-grabbing thing and went all intimidating on me. We've agreed we have to play it some day. We have the chemistry to do so, and the sort of friendship that can carry it. And I really want to play the victim some day. I haven't yet. I also want to play the bully. But I can't see him as a victim XD At all.

I don't know who I could play the bully, to. M and I are too equal to do a power exchange like that. And that's a good thing, we compliment each other better that way. We're a team! It's give and take with noone being the dominant, we take turns and it's very natural and comfortable. Again, pointing out, I fucking love that guy. I guess I'll find a victim when I get a bully-character, one day.

Anyhow! Class is starting soon. I already love psychology. It's fun.

Shiny new horizon!

Oh, I can barely wait for my SU to go through. I guess I haven't mentioned, but I'm starting school again. On Wednesday, actually. I decided to take on Psychology. Yup. Interepoop, huh? I'll be taking History and English, and this time I will fucking succeed. Also Biology. So that's a thing.

However! Financial stability! Woop woop! I have so many plans and projects. Both small things like some stuff to go on the walls, a different coffee table, a new rack for my clothes and some ekstra shelves for the closet. But also bigger things like a new bedframe (Okay, 80% of all my plans have to do with space for my shit, but whatevs!), a new gaming laptop (though I miiiight wait with that till after HF is over) and maybe a ps4 (that doesn't have to wait too long, I use it mostly for watching movies and series, not for gaming).

But it'll be the old fashioned way. My way. The way I feel good about. Saving up and buying it cash. No monthly payments and shit.

Oh god, healthy food! And being able to afford the upkeep of the muppet on my head! Being able to travel across the country when I feel like it! Spending time at a coffee shop without feeling bad about it! Oh sweet, sweet freedom. Being able to buy books or go to the movies. Or the theater! I already did my budget. It's looking good! Which makes me happy to the core.

The remaining uncertainty or stress I've been feeling? Clearing up with the speed of lightning. I have my aweaome people, my supportive family (however annoying they can be), my school will be a lot less stressful, all my favorite fictive worlds are flowering, and I feel at fucking ease with myself. I even beat back a fever in one night, the other day! And that thing I don't want to jinx is going well, too, I can feel the excess energy starting to be a thing.

Thinking of all the home-upgrades I kinda want, btw, made me realise I kinda hate my tv-setup. That should go on the list, too. IKEA has felt too safe for too long. I know it misses me. I'll be home soon, darling. Don't you worry.

Expiration dates on compliments

For some reason, one of my FB friends has found the very first pic of me on the site, and liked it. The picture is closing in on being 8 years old.

1. Damn I'm old.

2. What kind of creepy ass stalker type thing is that to do, it's not even an old profile picture or anything?!

3. Thank you for the compliment on my former self. I look super different nowadays. So your compliment kind of expired.

And now others are liking and commenting on it, cause his like and comment brought it up in my feed. So a bunch of people are saying "You looked great!".

... Thank you. Interesting how next to none of you pressed like on the new profile picture I posted yesterday.

I don't really care that they didn't, I care that people find it more relevant to celebrate my former self, rather than my current. All things considered, my current self is so much more celebratable.

It's a pet peeve. But dammit. It's not like I volunteered the thing for Throwback Thursday.

Rant over.

In good news, I'm wrapped in a blanket on my balcony, and I heard from M, and in a few weeks all will be well. I'm not hogging the humble amount of data he got on his new phone number, just to talk about nothing. Except we both needed an insanity fix the other night, and had a glorious argument as teachers of a magical private school we're making up. We both missed that. We need to do that more.

However! Trip went well, there is indeed potatoes, they hide the alcohol which is crazy expensive, and there's no sight of polar bears just yet. All is well, and he misses me already. I miss him too. I'm craving playing Esben and Caroline more with him, so I hope it'll be more 1 week than 2 till the interwebs comes through. Our adorable little crazies.

Bye Peepers. I want to watch more Criminal Minds out here, before it gets too cold. And I should probs eat something. Chili with rice, I think. Omnomnom.

Whining about ice!

*Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiilllllll!*

M went to Greenland this morning. I'm glad I was up to say goodbye and tell him I'll miss him, I'd have been so mad at myself for missing that. A whole year. It's not like we exactly saw eachother constantly, but it was comforting to know he was only a busride away.

No one knows when he'll have internet. It could be a few days or it could be weeks. I think that's the worst part. I can't just write him and expect an answer within a reasonable timeline. I seriously already miss him. He's been on that damn ice cube long enough, now give him back!

... Okay, maybe that's a little impatient. A lot. I just hate not knowing when I'll have my bestie back. I hope the job will be fun and challenging and he'll learn a lot. I hope he'll have time and opportunity to see amazing things and have cool experiences. I hope he'll make good friends and that he won't be bored senseless. Or die from the lack of potatoes. I honestly don't know if there's potatoes on Greenland. And most of all, I hope he's only gone that one year. I'd like hime to come home soon.

It's odd he's not coming to Czocha in November. I'm gonna miss having him around. I'll still have amazeballs people with me, but he was such a huge part of both the other games. He'll be with me in spirit, though. He helped me make Riley come to life, I made sure to include him and ask him for advice on everything, and I know he's grateful to be part of it. He made some amazing fashion decisions for me :D I haven't asked about his opinion on the ball outfit yet, but once he's back on the grid, that's next.

Gah. Stupid ice cube.

One of those bugs that stick.

Oh, Peepers. Why, oh why, do I lack a Spencer Reid in my life?

... Sorry, I can't help but want to know that guy, every time I watch the show. He's just so damn adorably awkward, and not enough girls are hugging him, you know?

Okay, my pathetic tv-crushes aside. I had a real.. maybe-it's-time-to-weed-out-the-friend-list-on-facebook kind of day, the other day. Someone posted something I, among others, felt was offensive and uncomfortable, and the person posting it defended their right to post on their own wall. Which I'm not at all arguing against. I'm not arguing against whether what she was writing about (an episode about a confrontation with a complete stranger, stranger being a real jackass) had been her fault, either. I was only arguing that her choice of description of this person was unfortunate.

It was just the whole debate that followed that was so uncomfortable. I chose to just ignore it, from one point, cause she got downright childish about it, and kept making it worse while defending her right to do so. And sure. Free speech is a right around here. But that doesn't mean you're home safe when it comes to others. They're allowed to react against it, and if you choose to put a degrading description of person up in public space (which facebook is, whether it's posted on your wall or someone elses), you're going to get comments.

One thing is disagreeing. But taking it as an attack? Come on. Grow up a bit. No one were being mean. They were trying to point out the irrelevance of the detail mentioned, and how it really only made her look bad. Cause we all know she's better than that.

But here's the thing that's really bugging me about it. Some of her friends took her side and said it was perfectly okay to say something like that cause she was still angry, and needed to get it out of her system. Someone was saying it was okay, cause they knew she was a better person that what that comment, made in anger, made her look.

Right. So... When we're angry, it's okay to call someone something degrading? I don't care if that person never reads it, other people sharing the trait degraded could read it and take offense or feel really hurt. If we're generally good people, it's okay to sometimes be demeaning?

How is that an excuse? If you want to be a jackass and say offensive shit, fine by me, I can just take you off my friendlist and never have to worry about it again. But at least stick by it, own up to it. Don't go hiding behind "Oh, but I'm usually such a freaking samaritan, so it's okay I talk like that about people when I'm angry." Sorry, but no. It's actually never okay to shame a group of people. Not even if it's a joke. Not even when you're angry.

My respect for this person really has skydropped. To a degree where her "You can just unfriend me if you don't want to deal with stuff like this" seems very tempting. Also, just to add it, what kind of coward attitude is that? Unfriend people yourself if you feel so goddamned attacked, in stead of victimizing yourself like that, when people are just reminding you you're in a public forum. Jeez.

Ah. Getting that off my chest really helps. And I think I talked myself into actually unfriending her. Maybe it'll show her that actions have consequences? One can hope.

That be it for now, my lovelies. Grab a hug if you want!

(It's a pile of hugs!)

Damn betraying body!

Hormones. I dislike them right now.

I'm moody for no reason today, and it's obviously hormones, if my cycle is anything to depend on. Okay, not really for no reason, I've analyzed it to death. I'm annoyed and bored and restless and.. really freaking horny. Due to a convo with M last night, discussing teenage celeb crushes, I ended up watching clips of some of my favorite moviescenes. Starting with Leo DiCaprio in Man in the Iron Mask, and working my way up through time to my more current crushes. So my sleep was kind of uneasy, to say the least.

I woke up from a really really pleasant (and frustrating) dream about Sherlock. A very teasing, on-the-edge-of-giving-in type dream. There was slow stalking across the room, not breaking eyecontact, breathtaking and highly arousing kissing up against a wall, hands stopping me from really reciprocating any attention, lips fleetingly brushing mine without closing the distance again, the heat of flushed skin, blood rushing in my ears.. And that fucking rumbly voice just vibrating through me, suggesting, teasing, beckoning.

Holy fucking Merlin. I have been completely unable to focus on anything all day. Been trying to read, but I keep getting images in my head from that damn dream. And it makes my gut clench and long. That rush through the chest and tug in your stomach, shooting sensation further down. Lust. And then the annoyance. I get it, sexual frustration, it's only natural, but coupled with the days around my ovulation (oh, get over yourself!) it's a bloody nuisance.

So, I'm trying to take care of things, but it's just not at all working. If anything, it has the opposite effect. Which is not a surprise, after 206 days of celibacy. My former record was 9 weeks. This is 29½, so far. But I'm still adamant. Not untill.. Well, not untill I feel like in that dream. Breathless. Needing. Unable to resist. And not because I'm rowdy, but because I'm attracted. Yearning, burning, ablaze.

One of those updates for no reason

I'm rewatching shows these days. I bingewatched Sherlock last week, drooling the entire time. Jesus Christ, that man. How anyone can not find him the sexiest thing on modern TV, I have no idea. Now I'm watching Criminal Minds. Of course, there's a reason. Dr. Reid. And all the psycho/sociopaths the team deal with.

In November, I'll be playing a new character in CoW. And she is.. I haven't quite decided if she's a psycho or a socio, but one of, at least. Ms. Riley Novak, prefect of house Durentius, will be a little different than her peers. So my bingewatching is research. Also, watching Dr. Reid, who is my faceclaim and main inspiration for my Malkavian on the vampire forum, helps me understand Esben (that's his name) better. Or rather, deepen my idea of his personality and malfunctions.

I'm going to register for school on Monday. Yay! Looking forward to getting back to it. And to having an income again XD That'll be nice. Especially now that I'm single. I don't have anyones faulty economy skills to make up for, so I can actually not have to dread the end of the month, or have to secretly put money aside for food. I can save up for the things I want! And eat healthy! Okay, I already do that. Healthier! More veggies. Right now I only get what I need, but I miss having a selection to get creative with.

My knee is just about back to normal, and the training (shh, I'm not talking about it, cause I don't want to jinx it!) is coming along well. I'm underperforming on purpose, to make sure I don't ruin another bodypart, but it's fine. I'll up it when I'm sure no feet or knees will cave in under me.

If you haven't noticed, this is not a blog with a purpose, I'm just kinda rambling.

I have come to decide that I should only visit the grandparents twice a month. I can feel that even before I get there, like in the morning before I go, I'm agitated and on edge. I know they'll be yelling and asking fivehundred questions a minute, and screaming and discussing and ignoring, and it annoys me before I even get there. So backing off is a good idea. My sanity can't handle them right now, and they're extra bad these days.

I talked to A recently (we have looong talks on the phone about the important things in life, but more about that later) about "how the whole getting naked with someone" is going. That's his way of asking about my lovelife (which my phone attempted to correct to loneliness O.o Wtf, bitch?). Honestly, I'm thrilled with not having one right now. It's so.. Liberating? Relaxing? To not have to deal with someone else's shit, despite the fact that I have almost no shit to deal with in my own life, right now. Old me would love having someone to focus on. Current me is loving focusing on me. Seriously, focusing on school, friends and how to tackle the family? That's enough right now. Sure, who doesn't love the electricity of a crush, I have days where I want that, too. But then I look at my life right now, and even with my family being.. My family, my economy not existing, my house being full of unfinished projects, and school coming up ahead.. I'm happy. And not the contend, mellow sort of happy. The bubbly chest and giggly sort of happy.

I talked to my mom about this whole healing process I've been through. Am going through. Cause I wanted her to know I'm so very grateful for her giving me the space and helping me when I've asked, to get back on my feet. And I said that I believe I owe it almost solely to her and my grandparents. I did mean giving me the space and helping me financially, of course (and I wouldn't have been where I am emotionally, had it not been for that, don't get that wrong), but before I could get any further, she stopped me to say that wasn't true. That she would always be grateful to M for doing whatever it is he's done to my life, cause she believes he's the true healer in this operation. And she is very right. I know my family is aware how big an impact he's made, and it actually means a lot to me that they recognize how important he is to me. Which, apparently, I cannot stop mentioning here XD I don't care. He's worth mentioning a million times.

I am hungry now. I'm gonna go have lunch and watch more Criminal Minds.

Ciao, peepers.

Another blog of praise and adoration.

Last blog of May. KMM over for the year. I freaking love the fair. The small of the fires, the feeling of grass between your toes, the happy kids running around, the haggling, the mead, the pancakes! And I even made it through without making my knee worse. I did catch a fever, though, so I had to skip the last day. The wind sunday was freaking icy, so it didn't truly surprise me, despite the amount of layers and layers I was wearing.

I had gone to bed last night when M wrote. We had been RP'ing a scene for the forum we've joined, but he was at a grilling in the forest thing, and had horrible internet. However, the internet seemed to have been hiding in his sleeping bag the entire time. (It's when he mentions small things, like how he'd been all over the campfire-hut, trying to find a decent connection, just to write me, that I know I've made a friend for life. I think we're equally addicted to eachothers company.) Anyway. I ended up staying awake till 2, while he told funny stories from his deployment time in Afghanistan. Bedtime stories! We only went to sleep when he was running out of battery on his phone.

I get why people think it's more than friendship. I talk about him a lot. I just can't help it. He is genuinely the funniest, most brilliant person I have ever met. He is sweet, gallant, protective, smart, supportive and understanding, and he just gets me. I have never had anyone soar into best friend territory the way he has, and I love it. He's loyal and trustworthy, and has great morals. I adore and admire him. I mean it when I say everyone should have one of him. The world would be a better place.

He is, however, just a friend. Possibly the best friend I've made in the past decade. The other day, we had a mock fight XD It sprung from this joke we have, about bitchyness stemming from hunger. And suddenly, we went into full on "Is it too much to ask that you pay me a compliment amd actually put your glasses in the dishwasher when you come home, when I've spent ALL day cleaning and vacuuming and making myself look hot for YOU?!" and the obvious, stereotypical "I don't think you should really complain, when I'M the one making all the money!" answer. He was the girl, though :D It made no sense and came out of nowhere, and he even smashed a fictional glass. I cleared up the shards, and ended up apologizing, offering to make him a drink, and said he did look nice. Yeah. We're either very crazy or very bored. We fight amazingly well, though :D

Our vampires are an entertaining duo. Of course, we've made a bloodbond. I mean, how could he and I play anything without it going in that direction? Rosa and Gabriell. The sheriff and the harpy. And his fluffy little dog. Silly little animal.. He faceclaimed Jared Leto, and I chose Molly Quinn, and his choice has me drooling. I forgot how hot Jared Leto is O.o And he had no idea I was a fan, when he made the choice, but he's totally using it against me XD I can't wait to see what trouble he'll get us into. He already had the bishop of Århus stake his hand. I tried to make him behave, but he's just such a.. Toreador.

In a perfect life, he and I would be neighbours. I'm pretty sure the world would implode, though. Or every muscle I use for laughing would... But I'd be eternally happy.

When you find people like this, people able to erase all the bad and chase any worry away.. Hold on. They can heal you like no other person or thing in the world. I don't even care if it's weird how much he's come to mean to me, I make sure to tell him. People like him deserve to know they make a difference.

He has made the biggest impact on my life, in a long time. Helene or Kevin sized huge. How can I ever, ever repay everything he has done for me?

One single person can mean everything, when they show up at the right time.

The thing about attraction..

I'm in a weird mood. I can't really explain it. I'm not unhappy, I'm not mad or sad, I'm just.. A little off. I've had a friend around me a lot of the weekend. A friend who has, on several occasions made it clear he is into me. And I have made it clear to him the interest is not mutual. I was okay with offering comfort when he slept over and asked if he was out if line if he felt like holding me, cause I knew he would respect it when I pointed out that was all I wanted to happen. And I was right.

To me, the comfort of physical contact is just that. Comfort. It doesn't mean any more than that. So it made me uncomfortable when he spent half the weekend being extra attentive towards me. Not in a way that is outrageous, he is respectful and decent in every way. Just in a way that, to me, suggested a greater level of intimacy than I think we're at. Or want to get to. It's not that he's not great, he is. He's just not for me.

I think I'm getting a little bored, on that account. I want to feel attracted. I'm still not in a relationshippy place, I'm just ready to fling. But I want to feel that.. That indescribable something. The little tug behind your bellybutton. The jolt of attraction. That little spark of desire that makes you wonder how his lips feel.

And it's just not there. 

I actually had a two second moment of it at the steam punk thing. It was, however, brief, and only a result of circumstance. M and I were in one of the conference rooms, making it look like our character's were getting it on up against the table. In reality it was a shadow dance of subtle, innocent touches and well coordinated moves to make it look like things that weren't happening, were happening. Anyway. In the beginning of it, I was sitting on the edge of the table, and he stepped between my legs. He leaned in and skimmed his nose down my neck, making it look like he was kissing it, and he put his hands on my thighs. Everything was fully dressed and innocent. But he was wearing some scent that was just mouthwatering XD Which I instantly told him with a giggle, and I think he got my point, cause he made sure to keep a bit more distance. The combination of the smell and the featherlight touch at my neck, and his hands on my thighs, however. Jolt. I knew it was just cause it's been a while, I knew right away. And I'm a sucker for men who smell nice. Also, I'm insanely comfortable with M and trust him completely, and I've never felt as safe playing intimate with anyone as with him, so it didn't shock me in any way that I'd have a momentary reaction to him. Cause that's okay. I know in my head that I wouldn't act on it. He's too important and I'm not risking our friendship.

The point, however, is that it reminded me how good attraction feels. How good it feels to be close to someone, physically. And apparently my body is now so deprived it's rebelling against me and telling me I'm attracted to one of my best friends XD So I should really throw it a bone, soon, so I don't end up jumping someone I shouldn't jump. (I won't, I'm not that out of control. It's just annoying to physically react to someone you're not actually attracted to, just because it's been too long.)

... Again my blog is starting to sound like a freaking contact add. I'm not inviting. There is noone I already know, who is both interesting enough AND single enough. For me, attraction doesn't show up over time. It's either instantly there, or its not. 

You'll know you've been chosen, if I choose you. I should make a flyer with that, and hand out to every guy who ever sends me the mooney eyes. Seriously. I may flirt. I may let you kiss me once or twice. But if I want you, you won't doubt it. I'll be very obvious about it, and I'll make you work for it anyway. You'll be so confused you won't know what's up and down, and if you give up trying to find out, you'll be sure to lose my interest. I'm a complicated bitch that way XD

You know you have me when I'm the one kissing you first.

/MY/ song.

This is one of those moments where I have to remind myself to be a better person. I need M to tell me it's okay that I'm hurt and annoyed, and to make it into something funny that helps me move past it. I need A to ask me the questions about why I'm feeling those things, and how I intend to grow from it. And I need myself to just.. Let it go.

I wrote a song, a while back. I started writing a song when we got home from Baltha, two summers ago. I finished it about a year ago, in time to present it to the king of our country on his birthday. And he sobbed. Everyone told me how beautiful and amazing it was, and I was proud to have contributed with something that moved people to tears. I was, at that time, at home, with family, in a safe place.

And then shit hit the fan, and after a lot of horrible fighting and emotional debate, I left the group. Cause I couldn't hurt from it anymore. It had meant too much, and all these people turning their back on me, despite terms I had stated when I joined, terms I had been assured wasn't a problem and never would be, had me heartbroken. I've lost friends over this. And I finally managed to let go, with a little help from new people in my life.

And these past days, I've heard a lot about the preparations for the sequal. And I've tried to be polite, but upheld my determination that I don't want to be involved and I don't want to listen to a lot of talk about it, cause I don't want to feel regret or feel excluded. It hasn't been respected 100%, but enough that I'm only slightly agitated.

And tonight, I went to bed, and I wanted to listen to one of the Cow songs on SoundCloud. And there I find a new version of my song. A changed version. A new title, even. And it pissed me off I wasn't even mentioned in the info section. It hurt me I hadn't even been asked if I was okay with them changing it. I know few can sing it. I designed it that way. I kept the challenging part of the melody, cause it emphasizes the dark part of the tale and adds drama. It was never meant to be sung around the fireplace, in joy, by 20 people. It was meant to be sung by two or three, for a crowd. With deep emotion and the severity of the story clear.

It was a demonstration of how to make it easier to sing. I asked. And I asked to either have my name written in the info, with a comment on how it's not the original melody, or to have it removed. It was removed immediately.

I still feel ownership. I have ownership. I worked my ass off finishing that song. I had help from a friend, and she's mentioned in my own version, and on the Fb group. But this just feels like crap. I'll never get to sing my song for the balthesians, on Setranum. I got to sing it at the birthday. On a rainy night, outside, where half the people probably couldn't hear the lyrics. The lyrics I she'd tears and heartbreak oover getting perfect.

What I hate the most, is that they changed the name. It was Avia cause it was written, ingame, while we still used the old name. Not Aviath. And it's called The Wisdom of Avia, not.. Exodus to Aviath. They can't just.. Ruin my freaking masterpiece.

Ugh. Fuck it. I I'll go to sleep. Annoyed and angry and hurt. Pissed off, actually.

They didn't even fucking mention it to me.

Joy and love

I am currently working on a looooong blog post about CoW and EGTZ and my trip to Århus and to Odense, but since it'll be a minor novel and there's a shitload of stuff for me to process, you won't get that right now. What you will get is joy.

A friend posted a link to a Leonard Cohen song I happen to love, and it led to me finding a random Cohen playlist on youtube and letting it play while I did dishes. And Cohen is awesome and always makes me feel comfortable. I just forgot there's one exception. That one song that, for the past couple of years, made me freeze up and hate the world and everything in it, and only think of betrayal. And it came on, today, when I was comepletely caught off guard. I had a flashback to the Cohen concert in Odense, where everyone were rocking slowly and singing along, and I stood rooted to the spot, fighting tears and wanting to leave, trying not to have an anxiety attack that he had his arms around me, hugging me, soothing me, knowing he knew how uncomfortable I was at that moment.

Cause I was in a place where even her name had like.. fireworks of pain and hurt shooting left and right in me. A place where looking at him speaking it made me so furious I wanted to slap him. And I can't even believe how I ever thought the trust could be rebuilt. The thing is, it hurt so much cause I loved him so insanely much, but he broke my trust, and I should have realised sooner it was beyond repair.

Looking back, now, those emotions are so foreign. I just don't care. I'll never be friends with her, or the friend who hurt me, but I don't care that they have lives of their own, I don't care that they're happy, and I don't feel the need to walk away when people talk about them. They're just people.

I reflected on this whole deal not too long ago, cause a friend asked me recently, how I felt being in the same room as him, nowadays. They saw the strained smile and how I leaned away when he touched my shoulder at a meetup, not too long ago. I did point out I'm technically fine with him being around. I just don't feel comfortable being alone with him. At the CoW afterparty we talked briefly, even. But I was sitting right across from M, who makes me feel safe and protected a mile away. And I honestly hadn't at all any guards up at the game or goodbyes, I was a teary mess who just wanted my friends to stay and be magical with me. I sobbed on the swede. I think I would have hugged a dementor, had one been available.

Anyway. The feeling of discomfort stems directly from that one episode right after the break up. And I'm grateful I'm able to separate that from the rest of my feelings about him, cause it makes it so much easier to see where I am, now. Which is moved on. And happy. And over old grudges.

And I've accepted the whole.. hearings things from friends. Not so much about him, but about the other people he has hurt. I was given a quote, the other day, from a blog, which is a complete mirror of my own thoughts. Words about manipulation, guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, lies, words about making you feel like crap so you depend on him to make you feel better. To make you need him, and want to let him have things his way. It just really nailed down how he behaves. And I feel relieved for this girl to have wasted less time than I did. I'm still not sure if he even knows he does these things. But I know no one deserves to be on the other end of the treatment.

And here comes the joyous part. My friends. My dear, amazing, wonderful friends, who have entered my life with craziness and endless tolerance, and lifted me up whenever I've fallen down. People who have proved that they want nothing but to help me find myself and to be better than I was yesterday. My support system is awesome, and I love each and every one in it. Michael, my brother in all but blood, the one who makes me feel safe and loved just the way I am. I love him and his wacky humour, and how he always just freaking gets me. Anders, my spiritual guide and the one to force me to think about my feelings. Every time we have a serious conversation, I feel myself grow as a person. Regitse who's always there to listen to me bitch or celebrate the little wins. A loyal friend like no other. And a ton of other people! People who make me laugh and cry and feel fucking alive. You have healed me. You have made me better. You have made me more than whole. And I can never thank you enough.

Thank you for making all the crap go away, and for being the people you are. I love you.

I can be random at 5 am

She wrote me back. Our exchange has literally been:

Me: *hugs* Just because.

Her: ♥ 

Me: :)

And that is all that needs to be said. That, ladies and gentlemen, is girltalk in its purest form. I'm not even going to explain further.

In other news, prop and costumemaking is now entering the insanity stage. I'd love to do the last minute papers, but I absolutely do not have the time. Maybe in Lesna. Or if I magically finish stuff early. I'm just trying to keep up with everything. And It still need to go buy a jacket and the crystal ball for my hubby. That'd be M. We negotiated the marriage contract, so he might as well be my hubby. He also wrote me a four page letter from a war scenario he attended over the weekend, cause I told him, in jest,to write home. Freja was so happy to have Mikkel home in one piece.

Seriously, we're ridiculously attached. He even took the time, when we were talking about the marriage thing, to pick out a ring!

It had to be something girly, for Miss Amstel. He promised me white diamonds for the wedding band. But I can't complain about this one, it's bloody gorgeous.

Silly us.

I've been staying up late to listen to music with P. He has insanely good taste. I've added a lot of delicious stuff to my playlist. I can imagine spending time at his place must be like a cocoon of velvety goodness for your ears. We talked art, the other day. We are very different in taste, but so similar in how we perceive. I could be cultural with this person. I can't imagine being bored, sitting next to him for an hour, staring at the same picture, experiencing it fully, just cause it attracts us. Paintings have sounds, emotions, tastes and memories. Stories. And if we can dream with music, together, we can dream with art.

He brings out my inner poetic artist. I love it. I'm enjoying him.

I had a talk with a newer friend, recently. It made me happy, cause he said something I haven't heard anyone say in a long time. He said he usually doesn't open up to people, but he was openly talking to me about some very private things, and he couldn't quite figure out why I made him so comfortable. "You're just one of those people, aren't you?" (What people?) "The ones you can't help but like a little too much. Cause you're so calm and accepting it's impossible to not feel at ease with you."

I said I didn't know. That for a long time, I certainly haven't been. But maybe I'm getting there.

It's late, and I have to get up in less than 6 hours. Be nice to each other, peepers.

Ablaze

Apparently there's something I've missed, in my ten ten-or-so years of reading fanfiction. Shipping is a word. It's digging a certain pairing. A Swedish friend told me that, and also got me up to date on using OTP as an expression. One true pairing.

So I can now go "I'm so shipping Wintersky, they're like my OTP!"

Yup. That's a thing. I dunno if I root for them, though. Or rather, I do, but I also root for Renlar. Or Skydor... I don't know which one is better. Skydor sounds like the entrance to heaven, though.

I'm taking a sewing break. 8 days! Fuck! 8 days you guys! So fecking excited! Yeah, feck is also a thing

Last night,  I did something I'm not sure was good or bad, but I felt it was needed. I needed to do it, and I hope it was well received and taken for the good intention it was. I don't know. I reached out to someone I don't really have any kind of relationship with, and with a bare minimum of words tried to express my understanding and sympathy for this person. They haven't responded, and I don't expect them to. It wasn't that kind of message. It's kinda like.. My way of smiling to the lady behind the register who looks sad. Not pity, just.. An acknowledgement.

So that is that. I also finished (with some help from a few creative minds and linguistic experts) our house song! Sendivogius now has a firethemed.. Text. I've sent it off to the musician, who is working on it over the weekend. I hope it just.. Feels right. He loved it, so that's a plus.

I have an insane craving for noodles and chicken wings XD like.. I can't believe how much I want noodles and chicken wings today. I'm also craving company, bit I have an ass ton of sewing to do, so no leaving. It's probably just cause M is away, playing soldier. We spent a whole day negotiating the marriage contract between our characters XD We finally agreed on everything. It's really silly. But we make each other laugh, and that is awesome. I feel like that one summer as a kid when my best friend went away for a week.. I miss him when he's gone. All my freaky brainery just piles up.

I exchanged dirty stories with P XD I write a piece for CoWdirt, and it just.. Took its own life and got too intense, no.. Not intense. Intimate! To publish. But he really wanted to read it, so he got to. And he wrote me one back. He absolutely loves my writing. And I've always been very private about my writings, so that meant a lot to me. Even if it's basically porn.. It's just that I've shared my writing with very few people before, and I've had some really bad experiences with it, so this made me happy.

I don't remember being this much at peace for.. A very long time. It's the best kind of therapy. I have love, support, friendship, understanding, interest, acknowledgement, fun, care, trust and really strong bonds in my life right now. I'm rejuvenated, rebuilding, becoming me again. I feel free and confident and generous, like I actually have something worth giving again. And more importantly, like I'm worth receiving something in return. I feel like every day is summer. And I'm not even afraid it'll crash and burn. I'll be fine.

Kiss me like there's no tomorrow....

I am having a craving. A very odd craving to appear so suddenly, but not a very weird thing to crave.. I think.

Remember when you were a teenager or when you just met your boyfriend or husband or whatever (Or wife or.. You get the drift, I'm not listing all the options.) and you just wanted to make out with them? Before sex became relevant, or maybe just the heat of the foreplay at the early stages? I kinda crave that right now. Being 100% focused on losing yourself in someone elses kisses and caresses, till you feel feverish and dizzy and you either have to stop or just have them. Fevered need.

So I'm gonna talk about that for a bit. This is gonna be one of those blogs, so shove off if you can't handle it.

I'm in the mood for making out up against a wall, the guy pressed flush against me, hands exploring, caressing, grabbing, fingers digging into skin and clutching clothes.. Ragged breath, messed up hair, lips melting together, tongues exploring, nipping, biting, moaning and sighing.
The whole passionate shebang.

... This is not an invitation, by the way. I'm dreaming, not prowling.

Sadly, I don't have anyone on call who could swing by and satisfy that particular craving. Mostly because.. It's all about the butterflies, the heat, the attraction.. And I don't have that right now. I have a potential fling in mind, but it will most likely be very short-lived and I have to wait a while before I can even figure out if the chemistry is there, so it's irrelevant for now. I'll just have to live with feeling frustrated.

In my fictatious world, today has been all about scratch marks. I think that's what derailed me to think of these things.

... Shut up, it's been since new years, I'm allowed to feel a little needy by now.

I've had plenty opportunity, I know. But I want that overwhelming feeling of "If I don't, I'll probably die. Must have him right this instant!". Otherwise, I'm not interested. I don't want to be lukewarm, I want to burn.

Again, I should point out I'm not looking. Or inviting. This is merely me venting my sexual frustration. I think Skye is rubbing off on me. I won't settle for anything but all-consuming and burning desire.

And I'm willing to hold out for that.

Okay, it didn't help that I had a steamy dream last night, though that went beyond the kissing, and took place on a couch. But the theme was the same, and the style, too. There was the overwhelming feeling of being unable to touch enough skin at one time, to kiss deeply enough, to hear each other over the sound of your pulse hammering like drums in your ears..

I really should write a thank you letter and send chocolate to whoever wired my dream-center. It does wicked well on details and believability sometimes.

Okay. Enough about my libido. I should go to bed, I'm going plant shopping tomorrow... Woo.

Night peeps and peepers! Dream something sexy! Here's a bit of inspirational images.

Declarations of love

I am in love with my life these days. Yeah, so, my doctor fucked up so I can't get my license before Poland, big deal. I got Mia and me on the bus. It'll be fun!

I am so freaking excited for Lesna! 2 weeks! And Anders and I are talking about a trip to the zoo in Liberec, which means I'll visit two countries! It's on the other side of the Czech border. So excited! I think he hinted at it like three times before I got that he wanted me to ride with him XD

My only complaint is that Michael and Piotr aren't coming, cause I would have loved hanging out with them before the game. But! It's fine. I'll have Anders, Mia, Petra, Liselle, Rikke and a whole bunch of other awesome people to hang with, and we will have an amazing time!

I finally dragged my ass out on the town on a saturday night. Lars' band played, and Amanda and Bjørn were playing, same night and same place, so I thought.. Why the hell not? So I actually went to Rikke and Bjørns', played games, talked and had dinner, drank a bunch, and then I was the only one with enough energy to go out XD Oh well, it was fun, and we'll have our night out some other time! I went alone, got to High Voltage, and there was vampires and witchards all over! And I had fun! And HV isn't The Rock, but it wasn't as horrible as I'd been told. Toby actually drove down from the cold north just to hang for a bit outside. He had to pick up Chris back up north not too long after, but he needed to get out of the house and had just checked FB for where people were, and suddenly just showed up.

Today I watched Cinderella with Regitse, and we had a lot of fun with that. Awesome movie. I want the dresses! Oh, and speaking of dresses!

I have sold some dresses for CoW. And that is awesome! I've gone in creation mode. I can't stop making stuff. It's really rough on my hands, but I just have so much I want to create right now. I made a list for my CoW projects so I can keep track, and everything else will have to wait till those things are done. My notebook is taking up a lot of space on the list, but I can work on that in Lesna if I get in a pinch for time. It's so far along anyway.

I had a conversation with a friend at HV that was weird. I'm not sure what it was, but he had an odd reaction. He asked how I was generally doing, and I told him I was actually pretty great, I'm happy these days. And I asked him the same, and it took him a long time and a lot of weird faces before he could answer. Basically, he's in a bit of a rut. Bored. And he asked me about this incident back in.. January I think? A mutual friend and I were very flirty ingame, and I was insanely drunk, so I let it go a bit further than it should have, though not over the line in any way. And then we went offgame and I initiated more space between us, but he kept hitting on me. And I told him no. The friend from last night wanted to know if I had caved, the following week, as the guy had asked and suggested to me. I found it a weird inquiry, but simply said it felt like an all round bad idea, so I hadn't. Which he seemed positive about. Then I proceeded to say that I really wasn't interested in finding anyone serious right now anyway, or not so serious for that matter. He seemed less pleased with that.

I didn't really feel like calling him on it, but he has very casually invited me to sleep at his place before, so it wasn't exactly rocket science to figure out that he has an interest. It's just not mutual. In any case, I have no immediate plans to date any of my friends. The only prospect there was got himself a girlfriend. And really.. I'm not gonna go looking in the.. "mutual friends" part of town. I don't need to get complicated with my ex's friends. Not unless it's head-over-heals and must-have intense. And it isn't. With anyone.

However! I feel like sharing the I Love You of all times! It's ingame, but damn.. The guy who wrote it completely stomped me for words with it. I'm okay with a little bleed. Especially when I get things like this...

The Torment.

Sky.

I feel guilty.
Of wanting you.

Being possessive.
In my mind.

Being addicted.
To your presence.

With every kiss you breathe new life into me.
With every touch, I am reborn.

When we embrace, I forget myself
And I forget you
For we cease to exist and become one.

I fear this feeling, for I never wish it to end.
And it may.

I...

Love you.

......

I'm totally swooning... Seriously, how is it possible to fully shield your offgame self? XD I'm gonna suffer some actual heartbreak when the game is over, for sure. But that's okay. I aim to be hit right in the feels! And I have gained the most amazing people in this whole thing... Michael, Piotr, Petra, Anders.. They, and loads others, have made my life a better place. Lars, Thomas, Mads, Kaya, Magnus, Nikolaj, Mia, Bjørn and Christopher.. Seriously, I'm thankful for these people every single day.
For once I'm calling out a shitload of names. I usually don't in here. But I have an acute need to put it somewhere permanent how much all these people mean to me, and how absolutely necessary they are in this world. How appreciated they are, and how they've all played a part in rebuilding my faith in myself and humanity over the last 6 months or so.

Some of them will probably slip further away with time, some of them will be friends, and some are absolutely crucial parts of my life by now.

OMG! I forgot! Michael made me a walk down memory lane for Ren and Skye! He visited some castle, and it is now officially Laszlo Manor. So he had a series of pictures taken in the cellars, the library and a bedroom, to give me a visual memory of the time Ren snuck Skye into the house XD They went through the wine cellars, the library and into his room. It's exactly what we described, it's pretty scary but oh so insane! And he had those exact pictures taken /for me/. He's like the best metabro and friend ever! Not letting him slip out of my life, I cannot imagine that at all. He had me dancing and laughing loudly down the harbor tonight, listening to songs from Beauty and the Beast cause he drew a parallel between Ren and Gaston, and the more I listened to the songs, the more it made sense XD

My people are awesome. Just saying.

The healing power of friendship

I was having a conversation with a guy friend the other night. It was generally about personal growth. He's a bit (okay, 10 years) older than me, so it's only natural he's way ahead of me, when it comes to being aware of himself. It was, however, inspiring. His story feels familiar, though it's very different from mine. Especially when we talked about finding yourself after a long relationship. It was nice to hear some of my own thoughts reflected back, without having to say them.

And I felt at peace, for the first time in.. years. I love that I'm not tied down, that I feel free to be who I am, flaws and all, and deal with them without meeting disappointment or hurt. I am suddenly aware of when I step out of line, again. I've had trouble seeing that for ages. I have the energy to care, again, to connect and reconnect. And to recognize where I'd be spitting into an endless pit. I feel.. healthier. My head feels less fuzzy. I don't feel perfect, just.. better. And it's not the sun coming back out, clearing me of any winter depression, I've felt this for a while, I just haven't acknowledged it, cause I've been busy living my life! Lots of shit sucks in my life right now, don't get me wrong.. I just.. I'm okay with that. It'll work out. It always does, and I'll find a way.

I still have some guys showing interest in me, but it's finally dying down a bit. I no longer feel hunted. I like that. Never was happy about turning people down, but I've gotten a lot of practice, and at least I do it kindly by now. Right now, I'm not interested in that stuff anyway, I'm too busy enjoying my friends to have time for a guy, full time.

The only guy-related thing I wish for, is for my wonderful friends from Jutland to live freaking closer! I have come to realize how much I adore M ^.^ I absolutely love him, he cracks me up on a daily basis, and I don't know how I would've gotten through the last 4-5 months without him. He has been a constant support and distraction, a friend, an escape, a brother. I hope I'll have him in my life for a long time to come, cause sometimes I just want to, like.. squeeze him so tight he becomes a part of me. I think it's Iliza Schlezinger who says something similar about her dog.. "So cute I want to hurt her!" Except with M, it's a mix of cute, awesome, hilarious and witty! He's a gorgeous human being, and I get to enjoy him on an almost daily basis. Everyone should have one of him.

We've been spending hours making up this dog-game XD We take a character from CoW, right? And we find out what defines them, then take those traits and compare them with different dog breeds... Yes, I know. And it gets worse. For example, his character is a Husky, and mine is a Collie (He called me Lassie!). To find out if our characters make a good couple, of course we must look at what Husky/Collie puppies look like! Would we make adorable puppies? Yes! Awesomesauceyou'regonnabegreattogether!

.... I realize how idiotic a game it sounds like, but honestly, it's not only fun, it also makes you have to think about your character in a whole new way, and about its compatibility with others! We went as far as to discussing if this wouldn't be worth writing something about, to use for workshopping. Get to know your character and its relations! Find its inner dog! Sounds stupid, works wonders!

Of course, I also had to figure out Skye's other relationships, from this model. Winterbourne, the teacher she's having an affair with and sorta falling in love with, is a Dalmatian. Her girlfriend was first made to be a Chihuahua, but we finally agreed she wasn't even a dog... She's a mink. Which is fitting, cause two witches can't have babies anyway. I have to say the Collie/Dalmatian puppies are mostly cute in that.. I can't help but love this poor little guy-way. While the Husky/Collie puppies... Are so freaking adorable I want five. And when the get to their teens? Omg. M and I agreed we'd have to shovel suitors off our porch. So we'd better have two, so they can look out for each other. Hex anyone who gets too handsy, with their sibling. We're so fucked up, with some of the discussions we have XD

I don't mind being poor and pointless. Not when I have beautiful people like this in my life.

Half a novel

Ah yes, so what's new... Czocha stuff will be a bit further down, cause it's a lot. And I know I rant about it.

Went to the bat's birthday, and got drunkety drunk-drunk. In the future: Do not agree to be test subject to welcome drink. None of the batches. I felt like I was dying the next day. And obviously I lacked major judgement, I let an old friend kiss me, though I have absolutely zero interest. I don't know why I allowed that. So no more mindless drunkness for this girl. I end up doing shit I regret in the morning, and apparently I needed the reminder. I'm going to pretend it didn't happen, it's just better that way. For everyone involved.

I finally made up my mind about mindlessly good sex guy. The title says it all, huh? Yeah, no feelings. And I was excited for him when he told me he's now seeing someone. He deserves it, he's a good guy. I had a talk with a friend that really settled my mind about things like that, confusion about guys. I was reminded about my sureness with the two guys I have loved. How it was there from the first moment. That feeling of "absolutely fucking yes". It's the feeling of knowing this person will be an important part of your life, whether it ends good or bad. The recognition of someone who can change you. That's what I need to tell myself, when I'm confused. That is the kind of feeling I want. I won't say looking for, cause I'm really not, I'm just enjoying the ride right now, but confusion and maybes will show up. And I think that's a good thing. So I take that with me, from my little new years adventure. Only positive things.

I missed Junction last time. I had an arm that wanted to be a bitch, and ended up having to go to the ER, but everything solved itself in the span of a few days, so nothing to worry about. I jammed a nerve, basically. No biggie, but the pills were enough to keep me home. Which is annoying, cause I have major plotting going on right now. Major! I'm flipping the fishtank over. More on that as progress is made.

Okay, so Czocha! The place... It takes a life of its own, man. Seriously, it's magic. And I love it. The pureblood party had Skye's girlfriend freaking about the pressure from her family, and she ended up kissing this pureblood d-bag in front of everyone. One of Skye's friends saw it, and later told Skye, when flying to the party all the non-pures were at. Skylar, in retribution, ended up snogging her Muggle Studies professor... Of course, the next day, it was all fights and accusations and hurt, and Skye had to covor up the kissing, to protect Winterbourne's (That's the teacher) reputation. So she had a rumour spread that she really kissed a junior from her house, and that the horror those in the know were showing was from him being in a relationship with someone else. He was a good sport about it, and of course helped out his housemate.

Anyway! Winterbourne wrote Skye. And from there, establishing neither regretted what happened, spired a mutual crush and attraction, which in turn.. has become an affair. A kinky, exploring, restraints and whips, blindfolds and sneaking around affair. Seriously, the messages the two exchange make me blush. But it's so much fun, all intense and.. going from shy, inexperienced little Skye to major kink-lover Skye is only the blink of an eye between. Which totally took the guy playing him by surprise XD And now, their little fling is actually starting to get serious. There are feelings. Witnterbourne is in an open relationship with another teacher, who is away on maternity leave with their child. And she wants him to be free to explore. But he is really more of a traditional man, and he sees all the goodness, kindness and love in Skye, and it makes him yearn for it. Skylar feels drawn to his calm and sincerity, the maturity, kindness and intelligence, and she admires his patience and passion. And they would be SO GOOD for each other! Seriously, it would be the healthiest relationship either of them could ever be in, if they ended up together for real. But of course, there are more complications.

Rendor. The ex. Whom Skylar still has feelings for. And maybe even more so than before. They've had these.. intimate moments, like when they almost kissed in the cellar, but also very friendly things, like a wrestling match in their room, where they were all silly and knocking each other over. Or like the night Skye basically invaded his bed in a drunken haze, and he let her have it and slept on the floor, being the perfect gentleman. Or when he asked her to be his designated healer in a duel, which he lost and got hurt in, and her taking care of him immediately and in the following days. Him comforting her when she was sad, holding her and kissing her hair. Many good times.

Rendor proposed to his new girlfriend, though. And Skye is pretending not to know, but Fianna, the girl, told her. And she's going to say no. It's tearing Skye up. She wants to tell him she knows. She wants to pretend it never happened. He proposed to someone! She's hurt and angry. But she wants him to be happy, too. And this girl is going to turn him down. And break his heart. And Skye doesn't want to comfort him, cause she's heartbroken, but he's.. Ren. And she'll do anything to make him happy again. Oh. Right. That reminds me.

After the duel he was in, Skye was the first one at his side, already on her way to defend him before he was fully down. Cesca saw, and also saw exactly what Skye felt... She ran off, trashed Ren and Skye's room, burned Skye's books and homework, and went to cry with her best friend. Skylar found her in her room later, and Cesca called her on her bullshit. She knew Skye was in love with Ren, she threatened to tell everyone, and then she made the biggest mistake. She threatened to send someone to hurt him. And Skye went to protector mode. She obliviated her girlfriend. Took away her memory of seeing anything on Skye that day, and took away her feelings of anger and jealousy towards Ren. Took away her suspicion. And Skye has to live with that. She protected someone she loves from harm, but by violating her girlfriend's mind.

She generally feels more and more terrible about herself. She feels guilty and in too deep to get out. Cesca is selfdestructive and vindictive, and it makes Skye afraid to break it off with her, and in stead, she's trying to compensate for what she did, by being a better girlfriend. In stead of just ending it and deal with the consequences. But she's partly afraid of Cesca hurting someone else, and hurting herself. She doesn't want anyone to be hurt.

She's spiraling, the poor girl. She's also working on a spell to remove Ren's scar. She hasn't told anyone that. People know she's working on a healing spell, and Winterbourne knows it removes scars, but no one knows it's for Ren. Not even Ren himself. And it's a beautiful, intricate spell that has limits, flaws and conditions, and I loooove it. Michael helped making it poetic, even. In order for it to work, it has to be cast by the same person who caused the scar. But also, and Skye hasn't figured this part out yet, the relationship between the caster and the patient has to be mended before the damage can be. So while using herself as a test subject, Skye can't always make it work. On days when she's feeling guilty over something she's done, or is in a bad place confidence wise, her relationship with herself is off, and therefore the spell won't work. Tricky little bugger ^.^

That is all for now, though I could tell tons more. I'm exhausted! Nighty night, world.

Witches and wizards and vampires, oh my!

I have no hamsters left. Dirch died last night. I saw it coming, he was all weak and shaky yesterday, and honestly, he was like... 40% older than he was supposed to be. He clearly died in his sleep, though, so it was peaceful.

I'm obsessing a bit, these days. My mind is going in circles around the same things, and I'm actively distracting myself, so I don't go all OCD on myself. I'm working hardcore on my Czocha notebook, cause it gives me something to do. It will be so freaking awesome. I'm RPing, both Vampire and Czocha. Messy messy messy! And I'm trying to be mindful of my wrist, which decided to actually pop out of the socket the other day, so that was... painful and weird.

I'm rambling, can you tell yet? I've started watching Vampire Diaries O.o Figured I'd give it a chance, and suddenly I'm like 20 episodes in. It's not that bad, when you get in a few episodes. Not mind boggling or anything, but decently entertaining.

I had a weird moment a few days ago.. I was about to wash my hair, and I had to do a rather awkward wet-haired retrieval of a different shampoo, in the middle of everything. The smell... It's stupid. It just smelled like him, and it freaked me out. Because for just a moment, I missed him. I can't explain it. The shampoo smell had me thinking about the smell of the deodorant he used to wear when we first started seeing each other. He switched away from it a few years back, but I loved it. And those smells just went together. I could recall them when we weren't together, and it would make my heart beat faster and make me feel.. Well. Make me feel. All sorts of things. And for just a fracrion of a second, that was what I missed. I missed omelets, showing up at midnight to just hang, playong WoW in nothing but underwear and a blanket, reading in each our end of the couch, drinking tea and watching the snow while sharing childhood memories.

It was kind of a stab to the heart. And then I chose a different shampoo and finished what I was doing. Putting on my Emma face and going off the the clan meeting. I'm going to feel stabs. I just have to live with that.

The clan meeting went well. Things I said six months ago about structure, and gameplay, are finally being acknowledged. So that's that. A few of us continued the evening at my place, and I ended up sitting awake all night with one of the guys, talking. It was interesting. One of the topics he brought up was how I had helped him step a little more out of his shell. I'm not going to deny it, I have been helping him build up his confidence. It didn't take much, really. He just needed a friendly face who believed in him. Someone to build him up and ship him out in the world. I'm totally proud of him. And he was commenting on it cause he sees how I'm doing the same to his friend. Slightly younger guy, who I'm playing a couple with, in the campaign. It's kind of interesting to see him flower a bit, from just a bit of positive attention and some cuddling. Totally innocent. But I need to get some kind of conflict between us, soon, to test his confidence. To make him step up and defend what's his. Young guys are easy to deal with, like that. I've given him all the tools, now he needs to show me he can use them.

I'm gonna end up like that ghost at Czocha, with her Chocolate boys.

Anyhow. That's all for now, I'm dead tired. Update on Czocha stuff soon!

Was it ever like that?

Yay, my fever broke! I still feel a bit shaky and weak, and I cough and my nose is a bitch, but I feel loads better. I'm such a freaking baby when I have a fever, I hate it. But I ate a ton of vitamins, drank tea, mead (cause rum belong in drinks!), mucolysin (coughing stuff that helps your lungs get rid of the goo), and painkillers that also dull fevers, and it helped! I also used a ton of vaseline on my nose, to spare my skin.

Not much to do when you're sick, and the inability to breathe right has kept me from the gym, so I'm behind on my plan. That really bothers me, but I know I have to watch it with pushing my body, or I'll just hurt myself again. Again again. And if I'm not focused, which I'm not when I'm sick, I'm sure to sprain something from lack of attention. But hey, my weight is coming down, slow and steady, and I feel stronger already, so it's still going in the right direction.

Been having some fun ingame talks, and some interesting offgame ones. Particularly one with NY guy. He really needs a different name, can't keep calling him that, it seems unfitting to reduce him to that. He is like.. an eyeopener on so many levels. He doesn't know, but he's making me rethink a lot of things. My vision of things, how I've experienced them. We're talking a lot about our differences in sexual behaviour. He is very much into tantra, and the more he talks, and the more I read about it, the more I become curious and fascinated. It's making me realize how emotionally shut off I and my partners have been, in the past. Only there physically, caught up in need and desire, rather than love and passion. And I honestly am starting to see how much this view of sex and love as two seperate things was a huge part of my relationship, despite me fighting against the concept. And it left an imprint on me, didn't it?

He asked me why I had never really asked to do the other thing. Make love. And it dawned on me.. It never even occurred to me as a possibility. It did end up happening from time to time, but when it did, it was still.. I don't know. Disconnected? It would be clear to me it was done for my sake, and that I was the only one really craving it. And even then, I could never do that fully, there were limitations cause I had to take dislikes into consideration. So those were the times I was always in my head. I have never been able to put this into words, cause I haven't had that comparison. But I never asked, cause it was never something I considered as part of the menu. And how would I know to order it, then?

Was love ever present when we were naked? Was it ever an act of worshipping each other, giving unconditioned? Being able to accept a gift like that. Was it ever selfless? I can't tell.

He's very caring, very accepting and inquisitive, and I find it inspiring. He's hungry for exploration, and it's rubbing off on me. Somehow, I completely trust him. He's so open and honest. He asked me if I would participate in a tantric thing with him and someone else, and I've said yes. I don't mind being his guinea pig. And if something happens after that... Well. I've done it twice before, as the only one, so for once I'll be the experienced one at something. I really don't mind doing this for him, he deserve good things. And why the heck not? It's an experience.

He's the first person to compliment me on knowing what I want and going for it, in this area. He likes my curiosity, and he even trusted me with a request for stepping into new territory with him. I think this is the true base for my attraction. He makes it natural and safe to explore. He puts me at ease, and I feel confident and generous with him. Even just talking about possibilities. No apprehension, no judgement, no fear of rejection or emotional distancing. I'm there with him, and he's there with me, in the now, no tests, no crap. I don't care where it's going or if it isn't going anywhere, I'm just enjoying him and enjoying me.

We put the castle and each other on our bucket lists. I'm not sure when or where or how we will find the time, but we will. Personally I'm voting for the tower, but we'll see. Popular place, after all.

I could like him. And I'm going to allow myself to love every second with him. I deserve to do that, even if it's not an epic love story. It's adventure, it's bliss and it's beautiful. And everyone should get to have and love that. Hmm. Bliss. That will be his name, here.