Joy and love

I am currently working on a looooong blog post about CoW and EGTZ and my trip to Århus and to Odense, but since it'll be a minor novel and there's a shitload of stuff for me to process, you won't get that right now. What you will get is joy.

A friend posted a link to a Leonard Cohen song I happen to love, and it led to me finding a random Cohen playlist on youtube and letting it play while I did dishes. And Cohen is awesome and always makes me feel comfortable. I just forgot there's one exception. That one song that, for the past couple of years, made me freeze up and hate the world and everything in it, and only think of betrayal. And it came on, today, when I was comepletely caught off guard. I had a flashback to the Cohen concert in Odense, where everyone were rocking slowly and singing along, and I stood rooted to the spot, fighting tears and wanting to leave, trying not to have an anxiety attack that he had his arms around me, hugging me, soothing me, knowing he knew how uncomfortable I was at that moment.

Cause I was in a place where even her name had like.. fireworks of pain and hurt shooting left and right in me. A place where looking at him speaking it made me so furious I wanted to slap him. And I can't even believe how I ever thought the trust could be rebuilt. The thing is, it hurt so much cause I loved him so insanely much, but he broke my trust, and I should have realised sooner it was beyond repair.

Looking back, now, those emotions are so foreign. I just don't care. I'll never be friends with her, or the friend who hurt me, but I don't care that they have lives of their own, I don't care that they're happy, and I don't feel the need to walk away when people talk about them. They're just people.

I reflected on this whole deal not too long ago, cause a friend asked me recently, how I felt being in the same room as him, nowadays. They saw the strained smile and how I leaned away when he touched my shoulder at a meetup, not too long ago. I did point out I'm technically fine with him being around. I just don't feel comfortable being alone with him. At the CoW afterparty we talked briefly, even. But I was sitting right across from M, who makes me feel safe and protected a mile away. And I honestly hadn't at all any guards up at the game or goodbyes, I was a teary mess who just wanted my friends to stay and be magical with me. I sobbed on the swede. I think I would have hugged a dementor, had one been available.

Anyway. The feeling of discomfort stems directly from that one episode right after the break up. And I'm grateful I'm able to separate that from the rest of my feelings about him, cause it makes it so much easier to see where I am, now. Which is moved on. And happy. And over old grudges.

And I've accepted the whole.. hearings things from friends. Not so much about him, but about the other people he has hurt. I was given a quote, the other day, from a blog, which is a complete mirror of my own thoughts. Words about manipulation, guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, lies, words about making you feel like crap so you depend on him to make you feel better. To make you need him, and want to let him have things his way. It just really nailed down how he behaves. And I feel relieved for this girl to have wasted less time than I did. I'm still not sure if he even knows he does these things. But I know no one deserves to be on the other end of the treatment.

And here comes the joyous part. My friends. My dear, amazing, wonderful friends, who have entered my life with craziness and endless tolerance, and lifted me up whenever I've fallen down. People who have proved that they want nothing but to help me find myself and to be better than I was yesterday. My support system is awesome, and I love each and every one in it. Michael, my brother in all but blood, the one who makes me feel safe and loved just the way I am. I love him and his wacky humour, and how he always just freaking gets me. Anders, my spiritual guide and the one to force me to think about my feelings. Every time we have a serious conversation, I feel myself grow as a person. Regitse who's always there to listen to me bitch or celebrate the little wins. A loyal friend like no other. And a ton of other people! People who make me laugh and cry and feel fucking alive. You have healed me. You have made me better. You have made me more than whole. And I can never thank you enough.

Thank you for making all the crap go away, and for being the people you are. I love you.