The thing about attraction..

I'm in a weird mood. I can't really explain it. I'm not unhappy, I'm not mad or sad, I'm just.. A little off. I've had a friend around me a lot of the weekend. A friend who has, on several occasions made it clear he is into me. And I have made it clear to him the interest is not mutual. I was okay with offering comfort when he slept over and asked if he was out if line if he felt like holding me, cause I knew he would respect it when I pointed out that was all I wanted to happen. And I was right.

To me, the comfort of physical contact is just that. Comfort. It doesn't mean any more than that. So it made me uncomfortable when he spent half the weekend being extra attentive towards me. Not in a way that is outrageous, he is respectful and decent in every way. Just in a way that, to me, suggested a greater level of intimacy than I think we're at. Or want to get to. It's not that he's not great, he is. He's just not for me.

I think I'm getting a little bored, on that account. I want to feel attracted. I'm still not in a relationshippy place, I'm just ready to fling. But I want to feel that.. That indescribable something. The little tug behind your bellybutton. The jolt of attraction. That little spark of desire that makes you wonder how his lips feel.

And it's just not there. 

I actually had a two second moment of it at the steam punk thing. It was, however, brief, and only a result of circumstance. M and I were in one of the conference rooms, making it look like our character's were getting it on up against the table. In reality it was a shadow dance of subtle, innocent touches and well coordinated moves to make it look like things that weren't happening, were happening. Anyway. In the beginning of it, I was sitting on the edge of the table, and he stepped between my legs. He leaned in and skimmed his nose down my neck, making it look like he was kissing it, and he put his hands on my thighs. Everything was fully dressed and innocent. But he was wearing some scent that was just mouthwatering XD Which I instantly told him with a giggle, and I think he got my point, cause he made sure to keep a bit more distance. The combination of the smell and the featherlight touch at my neck, and his hands on my thighs, however. Jolt. I knew it was just cause it's been a while, I knew right away. And I'm a sucker for men who smell nice. Also, I'm insanely comfortable with M and trust him completely, and I've never felt as safe playing intimate with anyone as with him, so it didn't shock me in any way that I'd have a momentary reaction to him. Cause that's okay. I know in my head that I wouldn't act on it. He's too important and I'm not risking our friendship.

The point, however, is that it reminded me how good attraction feels. How good it feels to be close to someone, physically. And apparently my body is now so deprived it's rebelling against me and telling me I'm attracted to one of my best friends XD So I should really throw it a bone, soon, so I don't end up jumping someone I shouldn't jump. (I won't, I'm not that out of control. It's just annoying to physically react to someone you're not actually attracted to, just because it's been too long.)

... Again my blog is starting to sound like a freaking contact add. I'm not inviting. There is noone I already know, who is both interesting enough AND single enough. For me, attraction doesn't show up over time. It's either instantly there, or its not. 

You'll know you've been chosen, if I choose you. I should make a flyer with that, and hand out to every guy who ever sends me the mooney eyes. Seriously. I may flirt. I may let you kiss me once or twice. But if I want you, you won't doubt it. I'll be very obvious about it, and I'll make you work for it anyway. You'll be so confused you won't know what's up and down, and if you give up trying to find out, you'll be sure to lose my interest. I'm a complicated bitch that way XD

You know you have me when I'm the one kissing you first.