Male masturbation and anal expectations

So. I can't sleep. I've been trying for two hours, and it's not really happening. But phonetyping makes me sleepy, so I'm giving it a shot.

Warning, this is a kind of explicit blog, so get the F out if you're a dainty flower.

Before I went to bed, this evening's conversation had taken the usual "dark side of the interwebs" turn, which is tradition when one of us passes 2am. Yes, M and I were discussing the horrors of modern sex toys. Kinda sprung from a convo about this children's toy, which both his girlfriend and I remember from middle school, but no one remembers the name of (the endless and persistent googling paid off, it can be found by searching for "water snake wigglies"!). Anyhow, I now finally have a picture of one to show him, and even a YouTube vid of how it moves! Yay! If you want to be grossed out, search YouTube for "Splorch".

But! One thing led to another, in my obsessive googling session. I started looking at male masturbation toys, cause, well, it occurred to me I have very little knowledge on the market for males, with that stuff, and then to sexual preferences, and from there to sexual fantasies, and finally I landed on disappointment with experiences. All from the male perspective.

Now, most of these seemed to be the disappointment on anal not working out, and how much that sucks when you've been wanting to try it, and for a list of reasons it fails. And I have things to say. Guys.. Jesus Christ. I forgive it, cause honestly, from these discussions, it's obviously lack of preparation that is the issue, but I'd like to give a few pointers and comments on the general topic. Cause your knowledge was not impressive either. Or your manners and attitude.

First of all, stop blaming the girl for it if it doesn't work. I'm sorry, bit it's just not for everyone. If you really want to argue this point with your girl, I suggest you let her shove something up your behind, before asking her to let you do the same. Just to get on the same page.

Some women are just too sensitive, too tight (that's generally only a plus for you), too tense or just not fucking into it. Don't complain. If it hurts, you need to respect that and back off.

That brings us to my second point. Doing it right. Anal is not a spur of the moment thing. Unless you have an experienced partner who knows how to make it easier for both of you, and who knows her body well enough to make it relax when it's actively fighting the intrusion. Cause make no mistake, gentlemen: That entrance was only designed to be an exit, and it will fight you tooth and nail to keep it that way. Keep that in mind, when you're all about the back door and your lady is hesitant. She is fighting nature to do that for you, mkay?

So the secrets here are as I said. Preparation. Most girls will have two concerns before you're even naked, so see to these first: Pain and cleanliness. Everyone involved will be happier if she gets to do some personal hygiene before that whole thing takes place. Seriously. Noone can relax while worrying if stuff will get all over the sheets. A hot shower or bath is also relaxing and might just help her loosen up a bit beforehand. Major plus.
I'm not gonna get into the details of how, here, I'm sure that's fairly obvious to all. If not, here's a fine opportunity to ask Siri something fun. Or Google it. You'll find there's even devices designed for it, if you want to get fancy.

Anyhow. Pain! It's a thing. And 9/10 women I've heard dislike anal, was because it hurt too much. In some cases, and note the "some" is not an "all" or "most", the pain is due to the fact that guys have this idea that they can just shove it up there. Other guys think that "Oh, but I used lube." and first of all, good for you! Really awesome move! But it still doesn't mean you can just poke your way in there. The muscle you're pushing past is fucking strong and very tight. Even more so if the girl is nervous and tense. So be prepared to do some digital stimulation, or go find something else to fuck. I'm not even kidding. Google the water snake, it's a good option.

Lube is also a necessity. Do. Not. Cut. Corners. It's not a porn movie where your leading lady can magically accommodate 3 huge dicks (pardon my french), and if you think that stuff is real, you need to ask someone to hit you over the head with a heavy object.

This brings me to my third point. Position. In the movies, you guys always see anal portrayed in doggystyle. Kneeling on a bed, bent over a desk, tied to some weird bdsm bench that no one even knows what's called. Stop. Just stop. The most uncomfortable position to do anal in as a beginner, is in any bent over position. It's awesome for you! You get to go all deep and see what you're doing and all that stuff you like. But it's a position that demands straining muscles from your girl. And that means tensing. Tensing means pain. So please stop being so focused on what the movies show you, in that department. Letting her lie on her stomach or doing a spooning position will make it easier to relax for her. In the spooning position she'll even have more control, which can help if she's really nervous.

A tip for the ladies? Take the lead with the initial penetration. Make him stay still and do small rocking motions, so you get used to the sensation. And guys, do not fucking surge in, okay? The head of your thingamabob is a lot more squishy than the base, and the base tends to be thicker than the middle of your shaft, so the head is tricky, but the base is challenge to be reckoned with. Let her help. Let her be the judge of how deep she's ready to go. Let her do what feels good to her. Cause let's face it, she's the one having a hard time here. Even experienced ladies can have a bad day with this.

But! Even with all the preparation and technique and tricks in the book, you need to understand that it's just not a possibility for everyone. More importantly, you need to respect it. And you need to stop complaining about it as if you're being denied a basic human right. It's any person's right to say no to something they don't like or are not comfortable with. I'm not saying you're not allowed to say "Aw, too bad, I really wanted to try that." I'm saying that when things like "She's so uptight about it." and "She keeps making excuses, like it hurts too much." come out of your mouth, I kinda wanna shove an Orca (the sex toy, Google it if you're unfamiliar) up your ass, to the hilt, just to see if it'll work as a dental guard when I slap you afterwards. And I'm not the only one.

So that would conclude my guide and threats, Peepers. I'm finally tired. Stop being entitled assholes. No pun intended.