Polyamorosity and men who are jerks

I have started believing I have a beacon on me. This shiny light that points to me. Flashing brightly. What it says?

"POLY'S THIS WAY!"

Seriously, what is that about? I keep being hit on by guys in open relationships. Do I have a magnet somewhere? I've been flirting with a guy for a while, and really, it's only been for fun and kinda jokingly. He's cute and all, but I barely know him and I didn't instantspark with him. (And I only ever fall in love with people I instantspark with, so in all cases, it would never be a thing thing.)

Anyway. Last weekend, he writes me to ask if we should meet. And I'm instantly like.. Nope. And he was very sad about that, and thought he had to explain to me he's in an open marriage, but I told him I know. It only changes things on his end, though, not mine. And I explained to him that I respect and even admire his lifestyle, but it's not for me, and I don't wish to be involved with someone in an open relationship, cause it's too complicated.

One thing is the wife who's the primary partner, another thing is the kids, and a third is the lack of balance in a relationship like that. It's just not for me. I don't have the capacity to care that deeply for more than one person. That one person becomes my closest and most trusted relationship. And if that is not reciprocated, if I'm not that to my partner as well, I don't function. It's not about attention, though I do demand my partners full attention romantically, it's about both people wanting the same thing, and the expectations to eachother being similar enough that the relationship is balanced. That has taken me years to learn and to truly understand that I need.

And it makes sorting through the candidates so much easier. I'm not interested in a partner right now anyway, but it's really a criteria that's important when that changes.

Another thing, related though. Cause it really drove the complication point home.

I did have a friend sleep over recently. A friend I am very much physically attracted to. And he told me his relationship allows for fooling around with others. Now, I'm only human. And while I resisted temptation for a good long while, his sneaky snuggling and apparent reaction to me ended up paying off. I didn't sleep with him. And everything pleasurable was to his benefit, cause I did not want to give myself. Pretty fucking impressive self control, considering it's been since New Years.

However. We slept, we got up early and ate breakfast, and I sent him off to the thing that had him needing a place to crash. Everything is good! The next week, I'm supposed to have brunch with his girlfriend. He calls me when he learns this, to make sure I'm not about to tell her.

... Um. Okay, several things. One: I don't usually discuss my sexlife with people unless they are, are about to be, or at least have a chance of becoming, part of it. I just don't have a need for everyone to know who and where and how hard, okay? Two: Why the fuck would I talk to your girlfriend about it, that would be awkward as hell. Three: Why is this a secret? If you guys have an open thing going on, it isn't a problem. Right?

Well. It was more like they had discussed it, but now that he brought it up again, she had kinda been opposed to it..

..... What? No, I mean, WHAT?! What the fuck, dude?!

A very.. I held back so hard, so the word tight comes to mind.. Conversation followed. I "asked" (demanded) that he told her. I do not want to be some dirty little secret of his. Of anyones. I did the "other woman" thing once. And no matter how drunk or distraught I was, and no matter how drunk and I-don't-even-know the guy was, what we did was not okay. On one hand, I'm glad we got it out of our systems, but on the other, and let's just call it the primary hand, I regret what happened so hard, because I KNOW how much it hurt to be his girlfriend when she was told. I don't want to repeat that. But apparently, unknowingly, I did.

So a number of things have come out of this incident. First, he was told to tell her. And he did. So that's good. She forgave him and has no problem with me over it, so awesome. Second, I am never letting him even hold my hand again. I don't do liars and cheaters. Next time he needs a place to crash, he can cross me off the fucking list. Third, I give up! You can't even trust your friends not to screw you over anymore? Pun not intended.

Ugh!

Stop being asses, Peepers.