Was it ever like that?

Yay, my fever broke! I still feel a bit shaky and weak, and I cough and my nose is a bitch, but I feel loads better. I'm such a freaking baby when I have a fever, I hate it. But I ate a ton of vitamins, drank tea, mead (cause rum belong in drinks!), mucolysin (coughing stuff that helps your lungs get rid of the goo), and painkillers that also dull fevers, and it helped! I also used a ton of vaseline on my nose, to spare my skin.

Not much to do when you're sick, and the inability to breathe right has kept me from the gym, so I'm behind on my plan. That really bothers me, but I know I have to watch it with pushing my body, or I'll just hurt myself again. Again again. And if I'm not focused, which I'm not when I'm sick, I'm sure to sprain something from lack of attention. But hey, my weight is coming down, slow and steady, and I feel stronger already, so it's still going in the right direction.

Been having some fun ingame talks, and some interesting offgame ones. Particularly one with NY guy. He really needs a different name, can't keep calling him that, it seems unfitting to reduce him to that. He is like.. an eyeopener on so many levels. He doesn't know, but he's making me rethink a lot of things. My vision of things, how I've experienced them. We're talking a lot about our differences in sexual behaviour. He is very much into tantra, and the more he talks, and the more I read about it, the more I become curious and fascinated. It's making me realize how emotionally shut off I and my partners have been, in the past. Only there physically, caught up in need and desire, rather than love and passion. And I honestly am starting to see how much this view of sex and love as two seperate things was a huge part of my relationship, despite me fighting against the concept. And it left an imprint on me, didn't it?

He asked me why I had never really asked to do the other thing. Make love. And it dawned on me.. It never even occurred to me as a possibility. It did end up happening from time to time, but when it did, it was still.. I don't know. Disconnected? It would be clear to me it was done for my sake, and that I was the only one really craving it. And even then, I could never do that fully, there were limitations cause I had to take dislikes into consideration. So those were the times I was always in my head. I have never been able to put this into words, cause I haven't had that comparison. But I never asked, cause it was never something I considered as part of the menu. And how would I know to order it, then?

Was love ever present when we were naked? Was it ever an act of worshipping each other, giving unconditioned? Being able to accept a gift like that. Was it ever selfless? I can't tell.

He's very caring, very accepting and inquisitive, and I find it inspiring. He's hungry for exploration, and it's rubbing off on me. Somehow, I completely trust him. He's so open and honest. He asked me if I would participate in a tantric thing with him and someone else, and I've said yes. I don't mind being his guinea pig. And if something happens after that... Well. I've done it twice before, as the only one, so for once I'll be the experienced one at something. I really don't mind doing this for him, he deserve good things. And why the heck not? It's an experience.

He's the first person to compliment me on knowing what I want and going for it, in this area. He likes my curiosity, and he even trusted me with a request for stepping into new territory with him. I think this is the true base for my attraction. He makes it natural and safe to explore. He puts me at ease, and I feel confident and generous with him. Even just talking about possibilities. No apprehension, no judgement, no fear of rejection or emotional distancing. I'm there with him, and he's there with me, in the now, no tests, no crap. I don't care where it's going or if it isn't going anywhere, I'm just enjoying him and enjoying me.

We put the castle and each other on our bucket lists. I'm not sure when or where or how we will find the time, but we will. Personally I'm voting for the tower, but we'll see. Popular place, after all.

I could like him. And I'm going to allow myself to love every second with him. I deserve to do that, even if it's not an epic love story. It's adventure, it's bliss and it's beautiful. And everyone should get to have and love that. Hmm. Bliss. That will be his name, here.