Why it makes me cry when I can't

I have a trial exam tomorrow at 10.30. I'm supposed to talk about how Denmark is connected to the USA. I have four texts, one about what the danish politicians did when the financial crisis hit us hard in the 30's, one that's a statistic about which parties wanted to join the Atlantic Agreement (the early NATO), one that is supposed to be the speech made by the danish prime minister at the time, that made the politicians agree to that, and one that is a different speech, by a different prime minister in a more present time, about why Denmark sent soldiers to aid USA in Iraq. I don't have a clue how to connect these texts. It's all about politics? It's.. showing a tendency to democracy? I'm supposed to set a question, that I then answer by explaining the texts, and then conclude something. And I have 7 minutes with my teacher to do that. I'm supposed to prepare for it now. No. Idea. What. To. Do.

The closest thing I have is this thought that, Denmark keeps proclaiming they're a part of the western world, but in reality we stand down everytime a decision is to be made that might put us in a bad light. We want to be neutral, we want to be friends with everyone, we want to mediate, but we also want a big badass country to protect us, should it come to war. Make up your freaking mind, bullshit country.

I want to run the hell away and not face the fact that I'm going to fail History. Fail. It's a word that tastes like crap in my mouth. Fail. And honestly, I'm probably failing math as well. I can't explain what I'm doing it or how, I just do it. It's what was always my problem with math, I couldn't explain why I was supposed to do what I did, I just did it. The formula says?

Fail. Why am I so scared of that? Because I used to do so well with schoolstuff, maybe.. I don't know. Maybe I just don't like to feel like there's things I can't do. I don't want to be another one in the family who ended up as nobody. Let's face it.. My grandparents did okay, everything considered. They're not rich, and they probably have to find a smaller, cheaper place sometime soon, but they get by. my grandmother used to bind books, then took cleaning jobs for a long while till she retired. My granddad was in the army, and then worked at the airport for like 40 years. My mom was in bookbinding, too, then her back and her knees demanded she stopped. she went back to school, took two more educations, and now she works at the bar. All that school for nothing. My sister has started who knows how many educations and never finished. My cousin had kids so early, everything else had to stop.

I don't want that. I don't want to have to struggle for the rest of my life. I want a stabil financial situation, I want to have a job that allows me to do all the things I never could afford. Like go on a vacation somewhere. I want to have a job I'm proud of, a job I like. And I want security in knowing, that if I get fired, I have an education that puts me a bit in front of the ones who doesn't, to get a new one.

"You're so smart, you can do it!" "You've always been the smart one." "I got the looks, you got the brain." "You've always been so reasonable, you'll figure everything out." "I know you can do better then this, so I can only give you a 9." - I've listened to this stuff all my life. From everywhere. Everyone, everywhere, telling me I can do whatever I set my mind to do. They don't know how cocky that makes a person, and how much it hurts when you're suddenly NOT that smart or that reasonable. Because it becomes part of who you are, part of what you identify yourself with. "It doesn't matter what they think, I know better." "I can do this, I know I can. I have to." "A 9? I know I can make 11. It's not good enough unless it's at least 10. Double digits or I slacked." You know what? 9 was a perfectly good grade, on that old scale. People used to be proud when they got a 9. I got disappointed. I still would. Cause after all, they tell me I'm too smart to get less then 10. So how do you think it feels when you realise you're not smart enough to get that 10? To realise you might fail, even. What do you do when you realise you're not going to figure everything out?

That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, over one shitty little trial exam. But there's only 3 weeks till the real deal. And yeah, sure, I can redo it if I fail. But failure means I didn't do well enough. It means I slacked. It means I misunderstood something. It means I did it wrong. It means I'm not smart enough. It means I failed.

I lose.

There's a lot of things I can do. Maybe I should be focusing on that.
I spell incredibly well.
My english is good.
I'm doing decently at spanish.
I'm good at keeping house.
I'm good at cleaning.
I'm good at tidying up.
I'm good at remembering when to feed what snake.
I'm good at remembering where I put things.
I'm good at keeping track of what groceries we need.
I'm good at writing down if we're running low on something.
I'm good at making lists.
Right now, I have a list of needed and potentially needed furniture for when we take over the apartment for ourselves.
I have a list of what we need for the kitchen.
We even have a grocerylist on our iPhones so we can write things down and both of us can see it. I'm good at updating those.
I'm good at being practical.
I'm good at doing the things that needs to be done, even when I have no energy for it.
I'm good at baking.
I'm good at doing laundry.
I'm good at sewing.
I'm good at being optimistic on behalf of others.
I'm good at socializing with my boyfriend's friends.
I'm good at helping people.
I'm good at taking charge when someone has to and noone wants to.

I'm good at a lot of things.. I conclude I should be a housewife, who bosses people around and corrects their grammar while cursing at them in spanish under my breath. I miss working.

Why am I malfunctioning?

Turning 21 has been.. I don't know, another year has passed, I guess. My usual I'm-getting-old-panic lasted about a day, where I was more struck by the fact that I'm now in my twenties, then by the fact that I was growing older. I don't know how to explain the difference, really. In my head, there is one.

The days up to the day itself was a nightmare. Let's just say my family knows just how to piss me off, hurt me, and then make me feel bad about it. But it was a nice dinner, and I have to say moms boyfriend really stepped up for me. Which was awesome. Of course, having your boyfriend be the first to say happy birthday, and give you a personal and meaningful present, and at the same time it was dorky and corny which just makes it even more awesome, made my whole week so much better. Goosebumps and butterflies made an appearance :)

I can't express how much I'm looking forward to not having 2 half-year classes at once. Especially two classes I don't like. Math and history are my enemies. After christmas it's danish, english and geography, and I know I'll hate geography, but I'll be doing danish, english and spanish! I love spanish, it keeps me going. 3 languages at once, oh fucking yeah! ... Can you tell I'm a language person rather then a math-chem-physics person? Language is just so much more.. logical. It's like different types of fabric, each one has its own texture, and if you just stroke in the right direction, it'll be soft to your touch.

I know I'm a thundercloud, these days. Having my brother and the bat back has greatly improved the world for me, but there's still clouds that won't stop haunting me. Homework being one of them. I think there's a fair chance I'll fail math. Half the time, I have no idea what I'm doing, I just put the numbers in on pre-maid models from the book and hope for the best. How I'm going to explain anything at my finals, is a mystery to me. My biggest hope is to write down all the big words, and use them in long sentences while looking like I know exactly what I'm talking about.

It makes me feel stupid. Utterly stupid. My confidence has been crap for awhile now. This summer, when the sun was shining, my hair looked awesome, we were working out twice a week, and I realized I was with the guy I wanted to be with, and he wanted to be with me as well, for a while everything was perfect. Well, as perfect as life can get, there's always something that sucks, right? If something sucked, I sure as hell didn't pay attention to it, cause things were exactly as I wished for them to be.

And then I guess life happened. There were troubles all over, crashing down in waves, and each wave took a little bit of my confidence with it.. Did I let that happen? I've felt myself spiraling downwards, no way to stop myself, and I've been scared to death about it.

This stupid disease I've been fighting for the past 3 weeks.. You should think it's a relief to know it'll pass in a few week's time, but I want it gone right now. I don't think I've ever felt this ugly... I know logically that I look better then ever, bodywise. I'm eating as I should, my weight has been stable for close to 3 months, and I feel healthy. Well, I did before the infection, at least.
I don't like mirrors right now. My face looks horrible. It doesn't matter that people tell me it's getting better, it doesn't matter I can feel most of my lower lip again, it doesn't matter my tastebuds are returning. I feel like Quasimodo, a freak-show. And I try to joke about it, cause if I don't, I'll just cry more. I can't even do that without looking all screwed up.

Despite all the ways I've looked through the years.. Skinny, fat, poodle-hair, wannabe-goth-moments.. Bandaged for various reasons, I've always felt good about myself. I always found something I liked about myself, or got a compliment from someone that made me appreciate something new. I look at myself now, and all I see is a screwed up face on a mediocre body. My hair is a birdsnest, I have dark shadows under my eyes, which is only conceiled by the fact that I wear glasses, I'm still wearing my freaking braces, my skin is breaking out half the time due to stress, and I wasn't movie-star pretty to begin with. Why am I not fine with all that anymore? I used to be.

Even the slightest critique and I want to run and hide. I'm tired of being so vulnerable. I want it to stop. I want to know within myself that I'm smart and beautiful, that I'm a good person, that I'm good enough the way I am. And I really don't feel that way right now. I so need to feel that.

I need help.

So, last night, I went home to my own apartment. I had to stop by my mom with some stuff she had asked me to get her when I was at Ikea friday. I had forgotten my bike was at home, so I decided to walk, in serious need of a mental break. However, I think my mind just gave up the second my mom was in sight. I had a total teary breakdown on her, and I'm sure she was ready to call the freaking army right there, just to do something to make me stop and breathe.

I've known for years I should talk to someone. And I finally admitted to her that it should happen soon. I don't function very well these days. I don't have any friends left. I have an amazing boyfriend who tries all he can to be there, and though he does a great job, I can't even make myself tell him everything, cause I know he has it worse. And he don't need my burdens on top of his.

But I can't handle it anymore. Being alone with my thoughts and worries. My friends are gone, my family is either distant or worrying their asses off on my behalf. And it's not everything you can talk to your family about, anyway.

I have serious trustissues. I don't know if it's from my dad walking out, my grandfather being abusive, a bunch of friends screwing me over, or a combination of it all, but I simply don't trust people. I can't even relax amongst the puppy's friends, whom I feel comfortable around, normally. I feel out of place, inadequate and akward. Insecure. I can't interact very well, and the roleplaying even makes me feel unsafe. I think it's the fact that they're suddenly not them selves. So I feel like I'm with a bunch of strangers who's all talking about systems I don't understand, and I don't like asking about it cause I don't know how their roles reacts. 6 weeks ago, it wouldn't have bothered me. I don't know what happened during that time.

I feel like I'm only barely following my classes. History is one huge mess for me. Analyzing and comparing isn't something that I can systemize enough that it's logical. Math is being tricky and I'm always turning it in last minute. Only spanish is actually managable. I'm good at it, even. There's even a person in the class I actually enjoy talking to. But it's irrelevant as long as I don't like talking too much about anything with anyone who could get close and then leave. I would love to make friends, but I'm terrified of it.

I miss people. I miss Kevin, I miss Kristian, I miss my sister, I miss my brother and I miss the bat. And I'm scared shitless of them. The people who have to power to hurt me. The people who either left, or whom I pushed away before they could. I don't know if it's them or me who did things, anymore. I think I'm broken. And I don't know if I should blame the past, or blame myself.

I worry all the time. I have a constant ball of pain in my stomach for the people I love, who are out in the world doing whatever it is they do these days, or close enough that I know they're struggling. And I will always do that, I've accepted that as a part of who I am, long ago. But not having anyone to unload it all on, is killing me. Literally. I have trouble eating, I have trouble sleeping, I can't concentrate on the homework that's piling up, and I'm either crying on people or snapping at them, when I'm not just quiet and contemplative.

I have come to the conclusion I need help to handle things. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to tell me how to trust again. I need someone to tell me I'm not stupid. I need someone to make me understand the past doesn't have to be part of me. I need someone to help me understand depressions better. I need someone to tell me why I'm friendless.

I miss my soulmate. I still think of my best friend like that. I miss fighting with you, Kev. I miss telling you of a screw-up and knowing you'll still be there when you're done yelling at me. I miss being told "You're a bitch, but I love you anyway." I miss mocking idiots, ranting to eachother, advising eachother. I miss my best friend.

I miss your laugh, Kristian. I miss watching Eddie Izzard with you, and your devotion to your friends. I miss having someone who always had time to write a funny text to cheer me up, and I miss going for walks and talk about life. I miss markets and red candy.

I miss the smile in my sister's eyes. I haven't seen it in ages, and I think her eyes grew colder towards me when I rejected our father's outreached hand. I miss laughing at Mumi-jokes in the middle of the night, suddenly realizing we've talking for an hour. I miss drinking tea and playing scrabble, and I miss walking the dog. I miss talking about boys with you.

I miss my brother. I miss the protectiveness, the worry, the hugs, and how you were so easily accepted into the gang. I miss discussing and disagreeing on music, and talking gaming and tech-stuff with you. I miss your smile. How it always makes me calm and happy to know you feel good enough to smile. I miss joking around with you.

And I miss the bat. I miss waking up to random funny, sometimes drunken, texts in the morning. I miss how her hair is always a mess, no matter what she does to it. I miss making up over something unhealthy. I miss fetching paper when she knocks stuff over. I miss hearing about her brothers, and I miss going on adventures together. I miss going out with her. I miss how she steals the attention in a room, no matter who's in it.

And I don't trust any of them. They can't trust me, either. Cause if I don't even trust myself, how can anyone else? I need to be fixed, somehow. I turn 21 in less then a month, and I decided against doing anything for it this year. Cause who the hell would I invite? My birthday will be sushi with the puppy, and dinner with the family. Maybe I'll finally drag my sister out for that night of drinking I owe her, and drag some answers out of her while we're both inebriated.

Being human? Overrated.

Sleeeeepyhead.

We have a bed! And it's wonderful! I voted we stayed in it for the next week, but the werewhelp pointed out we had stuff to do, and roleplaying to host, not to mention I have classes to attend. But who needs all that when you have a BED?! I read in bed this morning ^.^

It's massively big, though. It almost looks insane, but when you do the whole livingroom/bedroom in one room thing, it tends to become crowded. But honestly? I don't care. Cause there's a BED! ^.^

Anyhow. I worry on and off these days. Things are tricky! Good and bad. Actually, screw that, the main thing on my mind right now, (apart from the sexyness that is my other half, who's currently all brit-punk'ed up for his role tomorrow) is my dreams. I have freaking odd dreams.

After the nightmare the other day, which we're not getting into, it's been a rollercoaster through the twilight zone. I dream very vividly. I'm surprised the dream I had about the whelp going to the hospital didn't turn to a nightmare. But in the dream, I was perfectly cool and calm, so maybe that's why it didn't affect me more. Or maybe the dream just wanted me to focus differently, which I did.

I had something to write, but I'm totally drawing blanks right now. I'm tired. Been Toreador'ing the apartment for a few hours, shoving books under the bed, which is quite hard work. And we've been out and about a lot today. Fries at the airport ^.^

I think sleep should happen soon.

I have Malaria.

I've grown to like sushi. That's pretty odd. I actually decided against potatoes, in favor of sushi. With fish, even. So yeah, I'm concluding I have some sort of disease. Malaria, probably.

Anyhow. I feel like a good girlfriend this week. I gave the werewhelp a Mac as an early birthday present. His old computer sort of blacked out, so we went to see what the Apple store could do for him. And we co-signed a loan. Which is actually huge, to me O.o I'll be the one actually paying for it, and we briefly discussed just doing it all in my name, but I don't mind it this way, cause it'll officially be in his name when it's done being paid for. So it's his, just as it should be.

The smile on his face when we left the store was totally worth it :)

Tomorrow, we're getting a bed! WOOO! Hopefully that means we'll no longer be on mattresses on the floor, ruining our backs and necks. And it'll make it easier to store things away, and make the room livable. Yeah, sure, this and my having to get a new phone will make the next couple months a little tight on the budget, but I have faith that everything will work out just fine. And if it doesn't want to, I'll make it work anyway. I have gotten stubborn, now.

Have I mentioned I have a wonderful boyfriend? :) You know the kind of guy I mean; Smart, funny, stunningly handsome with the most charming attitude and a sexy smile. What more can a girl possibly want? Oh, yes, I know! Safety in his arms, love in his kisses, and an inside joke in his eyes. But I have that as well. I have someone who eats my crappy baking, who doesn't mind me there with the guys when they watch football and eat burgers, who wakes me up from nightmares and holds my hand all night while letting me know I'm perfectly safe with him. Someone who, when I have a hysterical teary breakdown over math I don't understand, stays calm and explains to me why that is; I'm not supposed to without a calculator. Someone who calls me just to tell how awesome it is to beta Cataclysm, or to tell me I'm epic XD Envy me, world, cause I love and am loved by one of your top-inhabitants.

Despite the ton of homework that has been bestowed on me lately, I have found myself to spend my inlaid studybreaks writing. Little scenarios keep popping up in my head. I consider this a good sign, it means my creativity hasn't died yet. So maybe the whole live-roleplaying thing has just been failing for me lately cause I haven't been using my brain in that fashion. I haven't been nursing it. I've been feeling like a failure at history, cause the work-methods is not at all something I'm used to. But we just did a project, and my group decided to make a movie, and working like that was much better for me. So maybe I should be thinking of it as if I was making a manuscript. I even changed my note-technique. It's literally more colorful, now, dividing things like generel, church, king, scientifics and politics into different colored markers, so that when I type things up, it's easier to keep track on what belongs where.

Let's see what the weekend brings :)

Brainstorm gets a whole new meaning..

Ooookay.. My brain is tired. Going back to school after 5 years off is tough! Could be harder, but I feel the need to complain, and so I do. Doing history 4 days a week, and reading a chapter in the textbook before each class. Which means I read all the time. And the take-notes-expectiations is totally over the top. I don't need that many notes, dammit! Takes up space, and all those B.C's are weighing down the backpack! I break my back on a daily basis O.o ... Only cause I insist on bringing my laptop to class, but it makes stuff easier. I should really just do notes on it, but I keep thinking "But what if it breaks down?!", so I'm all about the handwritten notes.

My math is almost a joy, though. Selfstudy for the win. I have deadlines every 2 weeks, where I turn in stuff. First thing was equations, which I've hated since the beginning of time. Mainly cause I just didn't get them, and later on, because they took gazillions of time to get through. All the damn lines it takes up.. But! Next time is percentage and interest! Which I know inside-out! Woo! I'm still waiting for a response on the equations, though. Supposed to get one tonight. I want grades, but they don't do that -.- ... No, I'm not at all obsessed with my results.. Am not.. *sees halo dripping down in front of her face, rotting* ... Okay, I'm competitive and a striving bitch okay?!

And I started spanish yesterday! Decided on giving up on french alltogether, and just find myself a nice, different language to learn. So far, I'm pretty good at it. Teacher says that I have an ear for it, so I hope he's right. (And I'm the only damn person in that class that knows to look for other languages in the words. I mean, half the things I knew how to translate, I got from danish, french and english. If they look alike, they usually at least compares. Go figure.) All the pronounciation we've gone through so far, I didn't have trouble with. Though, the whole Plácido Domingo with the soft d's got some giggles rolling. Not looking forward to rolling R's, though. I do it wrong, and I can't seem to get my tongue to cooperate into the right position. Ignoring all perverted thoughts generated by that sentence.

The money thing is idiotic, though. Cause I go to two different schools, and the systems have been changed, I have to reapply. Wrote a new application today, talking to the office tomorrow after class. Then HOPEFULLY they'll get it accepted, and I'll have something to live off of within the next few weeks. Months. Years. Who knows with these people.

Other then that, I don't do much. Seeing the puppy when we can, which is a little hectic with both of us starting school and everything. And I do homework all the time, it seems like. And work. I'm ready for bed at 10pm most days, totally beat. And I don't have a clue as to when I'll have time to get my hair un-blonded. With this pace, sometime around fallbreak. Ugh, I have class on my birthday, last day before fall break -.- That sucks. And the puppy is already talking about what he's getting me, and being all secretive, and driving me nuts. WHY DOES PEOPLE ALWAYS DO THAT?! Ugh, me no gusta, or something.

Now, I will check for my math-thing. Again. And be happy that I'm done with homework for today, and have the company of one boyfriend, who hopefully won't get me sick. Sneezy.

It's Broken, And I Don't Have The Right Glue

Limitations.

That's really what it's all about. I'm so pissed cause I feel robbed. People think I'm a jerk cause I can't just accept it and be happy for them. How can I? Two people I love to death has chosen that half a friendship with me is good enough for them, and now they expect me to not be angry and hurt about it. Even getting angry with me for being unable to stomach this.

"Is it cause I'm not good enough for him?" No one is good enough for him. No one ever will be. It's the universal rule for me to think so, just like it's a universal rule to dislike every one of your boyfriend's ex's. He's my brother. And the best person I know. He deserves a fucking angel, and even then I'd pick out flaws about her. It doesn't matter, though, he made a choice, and that part I can respect.

But he chose my best friend. Anyone I didn't feel loyal to would have been better, cause then I'd know exactly what side to stand on. They're blind when they say I won't have to pick sides. Completely. Blind. The only way to ensure that, is to never mention anything about eachother to me. And first off? Good fucking luck doing that.

Second, relationships are a huge part of a persons life. When we're in one, we talk about it. when we're not in one, we talk about the fact that we wanna be. About potentials, disappointments, and how that guy over there might just be the one. Consider all that erased from a friendship. Put a huge mute-button on all conversations, to make sure nothing is accidentally said, that'll make me feel disloyal to my brother for not saying it, or to her for wanting to.

I don't have the mental capability to constantly be in between loyalties. And I honestly don't believe it can be avoided. So I'm left with half a friendship, with a huge broken part of it haunting me like a persistant raincloud. I don't want that friendship degraded to a once-upon-a-time-familiar-face-now-we-just-say-hi-and-how's-the-family. I don't want to see the disappointment in my brother's eyes, for making his girlfriend sad, for being unable to listen to him when something awesome happens. I don't want to see it in hers either.

I don't want to see anything. I want to be blind.

I don't want to be reminded, that no matter what, I've lost. Cause I've lost it already, and it was too precious to me to look at pictures of it every day. Vague images of reality.

I don't see a solution.

People don't get it. Well, they're not where I am, are they?

I have a private life-saver. Who even sings the Baywatch-theme.

I'm all kinds of exhausted, yet excited and happy. We're off to the pirate thing thursday morning, and we have 10.000 preperations yet to be made. The puppy is building a canon as we speak. Well, as I write, rather. I'm halfway through a headscarf for him, and I still need some work on my skirt. Not to mention a couple handstitches on my shirt, and most of the priest-outfit for one of the puppy's friends. There's still stuff to be bought, hair to dye, and all other sorts of crap to get ready, and almost no time left.

I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few days, without this awesome guy around to just make me calm down and not panic. Getting some help from his mom with the costumes really helped, too. And it's actually been fun to be around his family, they're really great people. I envy the creative environment he was raised in, I would have loved having that as a kid. And it's funny, the more time I spend with his mom, the more I see parts of his personality, so clearly coming from her. She has taught me a lot about sewing, the last few days, it's been really great. And they make really awesome food, too, I'm a fan. And the whole title-calling was totally weird, but in a positive way. I've never had a guy's parent call me their girlfriend before, that was somewhat odd and cool at the same time. Heh.

He's still building his canon ^.^

He went to a friend's birthday the other night, and after a few hours out, texts me to ask if I'd please meet up with them. People were jerks, and he was bored. And I was supposed to get up early to open the café the next morning, but I decided to go anyway. I got a few very indiscreet dirty comments from this one guy, who I decided was a disgusting sleezebag. Another guy started a long, and to start with very one-sided, discussion about whether or not the fantasy-genre needed boundaries and manifestations from the real world, in order to function. When I finally got out of that conversation, I chipped in with a funny remark the birthday girl and the puppy had been talking about. As a respond, the woman goes psycho offensive on me. To which I barely had time to react, before the puppy stepped in and defended me. And he would have done that for any friend or person he liked, but it was really nice. To know he'd defend me if his friends "attacked" me unprovoked.

I'm looking forward to the pirate-thing. But I'm also looking forward to coming home and just relaxing, not having to do anything for a few days. De-stressing together. Yes please.

It's Just Emotions.

I could spend hours describing how I feel right now. The last 10 days or so has been... turbulent? Yeah, turbulent. I've spent half the time feeling like crap, and the other half trying to not let it show I felt like crap. It's just no fun at all, the whole situation, and though I have this wonderful person in my life who wants to help, coming up with a solution that's positive for everyone, just isn't an option. I don't have an answer as to how it's going to work out, and I honestly feel better away from it. But it's tough as hell, you know?

When he mentioned he was taking me to that party saturday night, I wasn't entirely sure a bunch of people I didn't know, would be my idea of a weekend evening, while in a not very social mood. I decided, however, that seeing him around his friends, happy and in his element, would at least cheer me up. And it sure did.

Originally, drinking wasn't part of my plan. Considering how I get when emotionally unstable and drunk, it seemed a bad idea. I mean, when you break down in tears over freaking yoghurt while grocery shopping, you know something is out of place. But I forgot about beeing moody after 2 ciders and 2 cups of punch. And then a few people I actually know, arrived. The sweet little punk girl I've wanted to hug and put in my bag and take home, every time I've met her. Two of the puppy's guy friends, whom I surprised myself at being relaxed enough to throw dirty jokes and suggestions after. It was interesting to see how one blushed and cowered, and the other picked it up and joked right back with me. Not that I really wanna get suggestive with any of his friends, but it's very typical of me to joke that way with people I feel comfortable around, so it dawned on me pretty heavily.

As the evening progressed, I even dared talking to some strangers. Yes, wow, big deal, huh? Well, yeah, to me it is. I'm not, and have never been, the outgoing person who walks up to people and start a conversation about whatever I pull out of my sleeve. But I had a really nice conversation with a really nice girl. And I didn't die. Gasp.

However, the whole party-like-it's-your-last-day-on-earth thing got to me at some point, and I went off on my own for a bit, exploring the area, and eventually plopping down on a lawn. And I stayed there for a while, just getting some noise out of my head, and letting a bit of the alcohol get out of my system (aka laid still till the world stopped spinning), and was getting to a point where going back seemed the best thing to do. And suddenly the punk girl was sitting next to me, and we were talking about stuff. Friendships, family, relationships, good and bad decisions, and all the crap that follows. We walked back hand in hand, after swapping belts, and I have to say I can't help the growing affection I have for that little loon.

I think I ended up kissing her about 6 or 7 times, even though the first time was just for fun. And we danced several times, too. The girl had me drinking Bailey, for crying out loud O.o But it was all fun and games. I even danced with the birthday boy, though not very prettily. A lot of jumping and can-can style, right there.

And I felt too drunk again, and went back to my lawn, where my puppy quickly joined me. I could easily have slept right there, under the stars on a warm night, tugged against his side. And I had long ago figured, that someday he'd ask me the question he asked right then, but I hadn't expected how scared it made me to answer. But I did. We were both very honest, right then, and it was the scariest thing I've ever lived through. But it has left me more calm then I've ever felt before. I don't need to own anyone. I don't need to be everything to them. I need to know I can trust them, that they're honest with me. And if I'm very lucky, some of them will tell me the words he told me on the hottest day of the year.

I knew. Just as I'm sure he knew, without me having to say it. What made it such an important moment, is the fact that he knows me so well. With him, I can't even hope to hide an emotion, he sees right through me. It's annoying as all hell, really. But he sees all the bad shit in me, and still cares enough to want to say that to me.

Screw monogamy. I'll take honesty, trust and love, above that, any day.

A fool be fooled.

This weekend has just plain sucked.

I've wanted to curl up in a ball and not face the world since thursday evening. I couldn't handle it, I simply couldn't. I tried to play nice, but it was like constant pecking at a bleeding wound; it wasn't going to get the least better. It's like having a woodpecker reminding you you lost them both, months ago. And I can't bloody well explain that to either of them, now can I? You can't freaking sit down and tell your brother about all the ways he's putting his neck on line, without betraying your best friend. And you can't tell your best friend you don't feel comfortable sharing anything private with her, when you know she's the kind of person who shares things with her partner, and her partner is your brother.

And I'll always be in the fucking middle, wether I want to or not, or if they say so now or not. Cause I'll be told about their problems, and I can't agree or disagree with anything, without disappointing or betraying one of them. And I keep seeing the day when it breaks, in my head, seeing my best friend crumble, cause she still doesn't know how to stand strong alone, and my brother break with hurt. And if there's one person in this world I cannot bear the thought of being in pain, it's my brother. Cause out of all the people I've ever known or met, he's done the least to deserve it. And not it seems I'm the one to hurt him.

And how can I be a support for any of them, when I love the other as well? Whoever ends up to blame in an argument, I'd have to walk away from even listening to it. How can I be a friend, like that? How can I be a sister?

And I was yelled at for my reactions. I was chastised by the one I seek out for support, for being unable to accept things. It broke my heart a little bit, cause at the same time, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself, and completely misunderstood. I've never been so torn up, not knowing if I should be yelling and screaming to defend myself, or go dig a hole to hide in. I chose to shut up and suffer in silence, to think about what had been said.

And at first, I thought spending the weekend by myself would probably help me sort things out. Now.. I'm doing everything in my power not to tear up at the prospect of another few days alone. It helped a lot that he called the second he knew I was sad, and listened to me. Even though I'm sure half of it made no sense through the sniffling. Having someone who sees the thoughtful pain in me, and not just the angry reactions, makes it bearable. Knowing someone wanted to be there and hug me, no, that he wanted it, even made me smile.

I've conducted my usual behaviour for being sad, these last two days. Keeping myself busy. Yesterday I watched movies, went for a walk, gaming in till I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Today I cleaned up, fed the snakes, ran the dishwasher and now I'm watching Buffy. After this blog, I'll be packing some of my stuff down to take with me home. I guess not being home for a month, except to do laundry, will have my apartment in a state that can keep me busy for awhile, too. I hope.

I feel like crap cause I can't be what the world wants me to be. Cause I can't feel what they want me to. I could try to lie, pretend I'm okay with everything.

But who am I kidding?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for being there, my puppy, when I needed you. It means the world to me. Thank you for listening to my crazy ramblings, for understanding, for caring and for being able to distract me enough to make me laugh again. Thank you for eternally twisting and expanding my perspective, or do your best at it. Thank you for inspiring me, and thank your for giving me hope when all seems hopeless. Thank you for being in my life, and thank you for letting me be in yours. Most of all; Thank you for being you.

To a friend and faithfull reader, for believing I'd do this one day

People has asked me before why I didn't get into writing. I never really thought my writing was that good, honestly. But I always told people I lacked the endurance. I give up on projects, or simply get bored with it. A friend stumbled upon my blog only a few months ago, and after talking about it for awhile, he said "I think that someday, if you got a really good idea and the right inspiration, you could write something brilliant." My friend gave me the courage to believe what I write isn't just crap. Maybe even to dare show my non-blog-writing, in public, some day.

I think I just realized what the right story for me to write, is. I think the inspiration has been in front of me for a year, without me understanding it. This whole selfdiscovery thing I've been doing? This test of who I really am? This story will be my final exam.

The story of what was. I only just realized it now that it's truly finished; Writing it down, telling the story of young stupidity, hopeless dreams, heartaches threatening to rip one apart born from love of unknown strength, might be the perfect way of reviewing how I ended up having to check myself at the seams in the first place.

Scrutinize my mistakes, maybe even end up forgiving his. But most important of all; Learn. Maybe, some day, if I ever finish a massive project like that, it could help someone else.

So thank you, Geo, for opening my eyes to this. It may seem small to you, but to me, it was something I needed to hear. You'll be in the dedications ;-)

Zombie rising from the grave!

It's alive, IT'S ALIIIIIVE! ...

*cough* So um, yeah. Been pushing off blogging for... Ages. I know. Missed me? Too bad ^.^ Anyways, The last couple of weeks has been really great, and actually pretty eventful, but I'm too lazy to go into details.

I've attended a few birthdays, attempting to keep the whining of certain friends to a minimum. Sorry, I have to be honest; The partying is just getting boring. Maybe I'm getting old. But sitting around in smoky rooms with drunk people, talking about the same stuff as last time, isn't my first choice anymore. I really do feel sort of old, sometimes at those parties, when I sit, quietly talking to someone, suddenly catching myself thinking "This would be really nice over a dinner with a bottle of wine, just a few people, having a nice, quiet evening together." .... *Yaaaaaaaawn* Sign me up for the retirement home, why don't ya?

My sister decided to join me when I start school this fall, and we're going to beg them to let us be in the same class. Mostly for her; I'll serve as a motivator for her, when she loses faith. I'm not going to lack motivation; being in the mere presence of the puppy reminds me daily why I want this. How much it'll give me in personal developing. My brain is craving it, I'd start tomorrow if they'd let me. But going with my sister will make it a lot more fun, that's a plus. And she'll make it through this time, I'm sure. Cause it would be me she was disappointing, should she drop out, and I know how much she hates to disappoint her sister. And I'll help her all I can.

The puppy and I have joined a gym. Yes, I said it. A gym. And though I'm mostly doing it to be supportive, I think it's going to be fun. Eventually. I might actually improve my balance and endurance. And strength, I've been complaining about my lack of strength for ages. But oh my god it was hard when we went for the first time. 10 of this and 10 of that, even on low weight, actually made me nauseus O.o I liked the running though. I think I'll do more running, to get my endurance up, before I focus too much on the weights and twists and pulls and stuff. We'll see how it all works out.

And then I was dragged to my first live-roleplay. I served as a juicebox for a whole room full of hungry vampires. I got bitten, licked on, hissed at, stared at, touched in various ways on various parts of my body, sniffed at, grabbed and pushed around. I was bleeding from great gashes on my wrists, feigning confused, dizzy fear and pain. The room was a chilly basement, lit only by a bunch of trays with candles, scattered about the floor, the walls and floors hung with plastic, drenched in blood. By the end of it, I was dead on the concrete floor, soaking in a pool of blood, my hair sticking to my face, and my arms and hands caked with dry blood. It was hilarious, one of the coolest experiences ever XD I already wanna do it again, except I want to scream more and try to make a run for it :D And be less drained for blood at the beginning.

Other then that.. OH! I'm getting a new laptop next week. Which I am thrilled about! It's bigger, it's better, it's a gaming computer! Woo! And it's black with red details, which looks awesomely cool. Not to say anything bad about Pinky here, ofcourse. *Cuddles to the pink laptop*

We went to a stand-up thing, quite spontanously, tuesday evening, where puppy's cousin and some stand-up-dude named Niels dragged us off to Comedy Zoo afterwards, to what was apparently a private party. Attending the party, was at least 4 or 5 people I own dvd's with, and another half dozen I recognize from different stand-up shows on tv. I asked Carsten Bang for the way to the bathroom. O.o To me, this beats meeting the president of the USA.

What else... I half-emptied Ikea the other day, grandpa in tow. I agreed to be entertainment for a 2 hour drive down to my uncle's summer house, and another 2 hour drive back. But first: Ikea! So I have now filled out some missing spots at the puppy's apartment. Because I bloody well felt like it, that's why, now shut up.

Then there was work today, I'm hanging out with my brother tomorrow, probably after buying dead, frozen mice, and then.. Who knows? The guys are going to The Little Café, but I'm not really in a mood for it. Or of a wallet for it. Sunday is Avatar And Fries day. Cause we decided we needed to take a day of nothingness out of the calendar, being all booked and whatnot next week. Monday is my grandmother's birthday, but we're not going till tuesday, cause mom has work. Tuesday is laptop day, and then going to the grandparents and.. make cake, or something. And I'll be dragging mom to get some sun wednesday or thursday. Probably have work in the weekend.

Apart from all this. I had a long talk with grandpa about the fact that my bio dad contacted me a few months back. Originally, I hadn't planned on telling my grandparents, mostly cause I know my grandmother's tendency to talk his case, and it just pisses me off more then I think is necessary. And though he saw my point in nothing good coming of it, and how I can't see what use it is now, 10 years later, having some guy playing the role of dad, he thought that "After all, he IS your father". No. He fathered me, true enough. But he was never my father, that's a title you have to earn. You're not family to me, just cause you share my genetics. But granddad did point out he saw things as a father himself, and thought of how he'd feel if it was my mom not wanting him in her life. I understand that. But he was there for her, Johnny never was for me. It's very different. It was nice to not be condemned for my decision though, I can always count on my granddad to at the very least understand me.

And then the thing I've been debating writing about or not. The end of an era. I'm not really going to specify that, here, out of respect for.. Well, everything that was. I finally got to have a respectful end, to something left broken and abused for a very long time. It has haunted me, knowing I never got to say the things that needed to be said, so I could forget. No, not forget, never forget. What was, was too important to me, to ever forget. But the truth of it got out, and I'm not the only one who'll, hopefully, be able to move on now. I've been moving on for the past two years, but I needed to give it the final push, for it to be reality elsewhere.

I never had the heart to break you. And I knew it would break you to know my love for you had long ago turned only friendly. I let you believe it. So when I claimed to be no angel, I meant it. We deceived eachother equally. I wrote in here that it would be best for both of us. I meant that too. In more ways then you probably understood.

To you, we were never just friends. So how could I hope to keep a friendship only I saw as a friendship, when I knew it wouldn't be the same to you? I was greedy to keep you. And you always wondered why I could keep forgiving your mistakes.. Because my own matched and doubled yours.

And then the damn song played this morning, the song I used to listen to when you cut me off. And for the first time ever, it sort of felt like a release. No more pain, no more regrets, no more guilt. The last of it left me, there.

"Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?

So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"

I am different. I'm not at all the same. And I could not accept a claim of love, even friendly, for a part of me you don't know. I don't know you either, anymore. For what it's worth..? I will always love the memory of you, and the friendship we once had. There, I said it. Don't gloat.

Oh, What A Beautiful Mooooorrn- zzZZzzz

I'm exhausted. Sending people off to France at the crack of dawn, after only a few hours sleep on top of a long day, really takes its toll on my battery level. For once, I've been the one in need of Red Bulls. I'm on my third. But it was a good day, yesterday. Mulling around on my own, cleaning up the apartment a bit, collecting laundry, handing over a key and having a nice talk, doing the laundry, putting clean clothes back in place, cleaning the snake's waterbowl, and refinding the other couch under all the clothes. And then watching Iron Man.

And that's only like.. half of my day. Then there was a dungeon or two, cooking, and off to the movies to watch Iron Man 2. (I am not a huge Marvel fan, but the Iron Man movies are great. Gotta say Robert Downey Jr. is a funny bloke.) Then back home, being teased the whole way, and I got to dance with the puppy in the middle of the street ^.^ I tried to lead again though. I need more dancing practice. I can be lead, I've followed fine before. Just need a little time to give over the control, usually XD

Packing was fun, though. I should pack suitcases more often, I can make anything fit. And going through old notebooks in the hunt for a thingy for the camera was entertaining as well. Old roleplays and all ^.^ And the flower isn't a bad idea for a second tattoo, I really loved it. We should have gotten to bed earlier, though. Not that I'm complaining. At all. Momentary pass-out and everything considered.

Been getting pictures of the house he's staying at, and I'm envious as all hell XD Awesome view, beautiful house, and a cozy fireplace to sit by at night. ENVY! XD I really wouldn't mind sitting around at a french mountain side terasse, watching the sun go down over the sea, while sipping delicious whites and snacking on strawberries or something. Well. Some day I hope to get to do that.

But I'll be spending the next couple of days working. Well, working nights, that is. Tomorrow I'm going with mom to do some errands and shopping and stopping by the bat with her curling iron. Saturday I'll be feeding snakes and vacuuming. Probably do some more laundry, I think he'll enjoy coming home to fresh, clean sheets. And sunday hanging out and welcoming him home ^.^ And yes, I'm already looking forward to that.

OH! And I finally got some sewing done! I shortened the tunic I've stolen from mom, put new buttons in my black, nice pants, and reshaped my purple plaid skirt, from balloonshaped to schoolgirl style. I'll be wearing that some more, now. Next project is "Operation Red Plaid Dress". It'll probably fail. But I at least want to give it a try.

Oh, and nights between sundays and mondays are turning out to be the ones that are most entertaining.

I love Aladdin

Life is one curious thing, you know? This past week or so has been odd. The squirrel contacted me quite out of the blue. I'll leave it at he needed someone to talk to, who knew him well enough to understand. I don't know if I did help, and I think the consequences ended up doing more harm then good. I'll probably always think he can do better.

It was weird, really. Sitting there, being filled with nostalgia, and yet feeling only the emptyness of the friendship lost. And at the same time knowing it was a matter of hours, maybe a day, maybe a week, till he'd leave again. I think that's why it didn't have a bigger impact; I didn't let myself get reattached, I knew he'd be gone in a heartbeat. And sometimes I feel the fool. I was always second, and I always would have been, had our paths not seperated. And I would have lived with it, if he needed me to. I didn't let him know a lot about how I am or what's going on here, and I didn't want to. I knew he'd change his mind on contacting me.

And I stand by my words to him. I'm in a good place now. It might not be what most consider ideal, but it's good for me, and I don't want it changed. I don't want it back. I'm not what he really needs or wants, I'm just the fantasy of what used to be perfect. I deserve and want to be more then that, to a person.

All the empty promises were no good then, and I can't use them today either. Only difference is, back then I actually wanted all that. And yes, if we were still the same, if we were both the same as we were back then, we could probably have a perfect life together. But we're not silly teenagers anymore. I'm done dreaming of if's and maybe's. And there's no emotions left on that level. It's only the friendship I miss.

So it was really quite easy for me, being there as a support. I'll never turn down his hand if it reaches for me. I couldn't. But I'll be realistic about it. I haven't forgotten what I've been through, on his account. I don't blame him for it either, it just made me that much wiser.

He was my best friend for 6 years. I don't care if he took advantage of me. I don't care if he could be cruel "just because". I don't care that he ended up detesting what I did and who I surrounded myself with. I don't care that I was always second in line. He was there when I needed him to be. He was there when I raged and cried, and he reached out for my consolation when he was the one who needed it. He let me in, and snuck his way behind my barriers as well. He was the voice in the back of my mind who told me when I was being an idiot about something, and let me be so if I wanted. He had my back, and he kept my secrets. He protected me as well as I allowed him. He was my friend. End of story.

And then my cat got picked up and taking to his new home. He's doing good already, so I'm less worried about him then I thought I would be. He'll be fine with Mac :) Eating plants already, that's a good sign. I was afraid he'd hide under the bed for all eternity, so brave behaviour is a surprise to me. I hope he doesn't hate me. His mommy put him in the scary-box, handed him over to a stranger, and sent him off. Yes, I feel like shit for doing it. But it was better all-round, and so I try to be the eternal optimist about it, and not let it show that I'm sad that he's gone. Listening to Disney songs helps. I think I've watched Aladdin 4 times since I got it weeks ago, and now Youtube is suffering my abuse as well.

I think it's a wonder, it's only been 8 days since it snowed. And yesterday I walked around outside wearing a thin dress, leggings and a jacket as thin as the dress. Barely anything. Today it was even better. I love the late spring and early summer. It brings out the beauty in a smile.

Now, I'm gonna get all prettyfied. Do the hair and makeup and put on a nice dress. And hopefully has as wonderful and evening as I had a day. If I can make this mop of hair behave.

Crazy shit. Yes, I said shit.

*Originally written and posted on April 21rst. Removed it for awhile to protect an old friend from a huge fight. Now that the fight found place anyway, I feel the blog won't have an impact, and therefore posting it.*


Okay, so at the beginning time of this blog, it's 12.40 pm. Just past noon. And so far, this day has been BEYOND wacked. I woke up from the most awesome dream in ages, despite the fact that it took hours of uneasy fussing to fall asleep. I'm playing with the thought, that if I bundle a blanket up next to me so the bed doesn't feel so wide, it might go a little easier. I had a crazy craving for pancakes, which will be fulfilled a little later ^.^

So after about another hour in bed, I decide to get up. Put on some music to wake up my brain as well. Seriously, I am NOT a morning person. So I get my computer going, turn on the music, and think "Hey, lets go check the email!" as I pretty much do as the first thing every time I turn on this thing. And yay, crappy junkmail! More yay for even more crappy junkmail! And a facebook notification that someone wrote me! Awesome! ... Wait, what? Who? No, that has to be a mistake, the squirrel hasn't initiated any contact for.. how long has it been? 9 months? Almost 10? That has to be a facebook-screw-up. *Click*

Oh. So it wasn't a facebook-screw-up. Huh. Well. This is weird. Wasn't I supposed to suffer in silence for another decade or something? Till some day I forgot. Needing my help, should I care? Should I give him the chance to destroy me completely with hurt? Which it has the potential to do, at the prospect of letting him go again, after venting. He claimed it the ruin of us, that I sacrificed too much for him to bear, as if I was unable to deny him anything. Unable, no. Never unable to, simply unwilling to. A pattern that seems burned into me, huh?

Not a pattern I will ever regret or look ill upon. I need my breaks from time to time, yes. But I will give till I have no more to give, if that is what it takes for another person. I will not be changed from that.

I gave him 6 years of my life. Starting at scared, troubled, untrusting, he showed me the way to standing tall, proved you could trust some, and that loving someone didn't have to hurt all the time, or be specified to something locked in a box. And others have taught me different things since then, but had I not had him, they would never have gotten the chance to show me anything at all. I owe him everything for that.

So to the comment of "I won't blame you if you ignore me" it was a given for me to ask if he ever doubted I would answer. Even if I'll only be a temporary place to put some thoughts, I'll be there. In all honesty, I'm counting on him leaving again, afterwards. He couldn't accept my choice of lifestyle then, so I certainly don't think he would approve now. Given the details, he would most likely want to kill the Puppy. If he still cares, that is. I'm not even sure if it matters, he'll be gone again soon, better not to think too much about it.

We're in april, and it snowed earlier. I called the Bat to tell how fucked up my day had already been, the cat was even on the microwave earlier! He has never jumped up there before, to my knowledge. And days before he's leaving my ownership, I find him doing weird things. Seconds after we hung up, after agreeing that she'd come have pancakes with me and mom and the café, my Puppy calls, to mock me with the snow. Cause he knows how tired I became of it this winter, it was overkill on the weathergods' part. Though, I have grown a little more fond of it then I used to be. We had some really good moments with it this winter :)

Tonight, a bunch of us is going to Lal's place, welcoming Julie home from France. I haven't been very social lately, so I suppose I should look forward to it. I'll have the worrying in the back of my mind all day, though, if I don't hear anything from the squirrel before I leave. Funny, how a day in april can be so freaking odd. Next thing I know, I'll hear from the Lilac-person too.

When it's 7.30 am and your day has still not ended..

I rarely share things I write (as in poetry, shortstories or novels) with people, mainly cause they tend to be personal and written to get something off my chest, not to rouse praise or critisism. But also because I'm very shy about it. Yeah, praise makes me blush and feel oddly uncomfortable, and critisism makes me want to hit "delete" a lot. Let's not pretend I'm all brave when it comes to these things, just see how long it took to make me sing in front of a person who does not keep critisism back, even when my singing is actually something I feel relatively proud of.

Anyhow. Here's to being brave.


Memory Lane

Care to walk down this road with me?
I promise I will make you see
What horrors hide in shadows here
Come, hold my hand, best you stay near

I know, my love, it’s hard to watch
How innocence it fades with touch
Its purity all drained and gone
The further we keep walking on

Don’t fret, my dear, it’s how it goes
How life unfolds its highs and lows
Nothing ever stays the same
And all you have is you to blame

Come, darling, we are nearly there
I’ll show you what I truly fear
Right there, the corner, don’t you see?
That huddled up figure is childhood-me

Sorry, honey, I know it’s hard
A kid that age, always on her guard
But you should see it, just to understand
Why one doesn’t always have the will to stand

Just around this bend, my sweet
We’ll turn and walk a darker street
Do not run away, keep holding on tight
Too soon to just give up the fight

Now here comes the part that I wanted to show
Watch your step now, take it nice and slow
Better keep your distance, from that abyss ahead
Fall down there, and insanity will take over instead

Hold on tight, my pet, to your reality
Too close to the edge will cost vitality
This is what will wait for you, if you don’t watch your feet
Cold, black nothingness, and no way you can cheat

My guess is this, that in the deep
A mirror will await and show what you keep
Of secrets and lies, of slander and sin
It’s going to show exactly who you’ve been

Do not look down, if what you’ve seen
Makes you think the world is mean
It’s up to you to stay on your track
Walk away from the abyss, and don’t look back.

It's lonely on the top, huh?

People are really making me sick these days. It's funny how it always starts with my family, and I never notice it till it spreads to my friends.

I visit my grandparents once a week. As a kid I used to go there every weekend, with my cousin. When we got older, she showed up only every other weekend, and finally only came around every now and then. I got older, and friends got more interesting than grandparents, and so I followed her path. Nowadays, I get that they don't get out much or see that many people, and so their family is what's important. Thus, I visit.

These past few years, my grandparents and mom have had a hobby. Genealogy. Finding out who was parents to who, and where and when, hundreds of years back. And the discussions they have about it is both boring, and to me useless. Most of these people died hundreds of years ago, what use is the information today? But fine, it gives them something to do. I just wish they'd keep the god damn noise down.

And then there's the complete exclusion from the conversation, that sort of bothers me. One thing is I don't know the least about what they're talking about, that's my own choice. Another is the fact that even if they're not yelling at eachother, even if they're being silent, they don't hear me when I speak. I can repeat a question 4-5 times, with no response or recognition of my exsistence whatsoever.

The other day, I visited a friend. They asked me to come over and help with something, and I brought soda and beer cause they were frustrated about it. I was there 3-4 hours. And when I left, I couldn't help thinking I might as well have just gone home in stead of going there. I think out of everything I said while there, 2 or 3 things were heard and responded to. The rest of the time, I was cut off, the subject was changed, or I simply got no response. I think I spent half an hour in silence, staring at the ceiling, at one point.

And I was actually happy a few days ago. And suddenly it hit me how I have no one to share that with. The funny thing about happiness, to me at least, is that I don't find it very nice to have, if I'm the only one to enjoy it. And now I'm just angry and sad and most of all, disappointed, that the people I usually talk to about things, good as well as bad, are simply ignoring me. It's a very lonely feeling.

And hearing the sentence "I'm happy for you" is just not what I need. I need the look of annoyance and envy gone from their eyes when I tell something funny that happened. I need a genuine smile. I need to be looked in the eyes while I talk, so I know I'm being listened to. And I don't know how many times I've done this for others, which just makes it that much worse that they can't seem to return it.

At least I know there's one person who actually wants to be there, the only one who actually has a good reason why they can't be. And I don't want my negativity taken out on that person, since they deserve it least, and is not the cause of it.

So now I'm taking a break from people. To calm myself down and to protect the innocents from my outbursts. It helps, having that in the back of my mind. That there's a person who really does not need to deal with your anger. Keeps me a little more aware, keeps me at bay.

"Please." Heh..

"Not yet, or you'll get a punishment of whole new dimensions!"

!!! Contains Dirt !!!

Yup, run while you can, this will be that kind of blog. So if you're, say, weak of heart, a nun, or my brother, you might wanna skip this. Consider yourself warned.



It might actually be the best sex I've had so far. Which truly just proves how much of a kinky little bitch I am. Oh yes, I said it. Not that many people who knows me, would think I'm submissive. Well. A selected few, maybe. But finding emotional release in pain, and taking the kind of words into my mouth as I do, when told to beg? I really doubt anyone but he would see it coming. Heh, who the hell would even think I'd ever beg?!
But humiliation is part of the game. And you humiliate yourself voluntarily, when you beg. I could refuse, and take the punishment. But if you want something bad enough.. ^.^

I was burning to begin with. Laying almost naked against someone, being warmed and caressed and played with, does that to you. The punishment for talking back and then jumping to answer incorrectly, only increased the heat. In some areas more then others. But good girls say sorry and thank you, and does it throrougly. A good girl pleases her master, in any way he sees fit. And sometimes, if she does real good, and asks nicely, she gets rewarded.

Rewards don't come without a little taunting, though. Like being ordered to hold back, till given permission to let go. With threats of punishments worse then ever before, if I didn't contain myself. Which was made even harder by the commanding whispers, because the mere tone of his voice adds to my lack of control. When the permission was finally given, I thought I would pass out from bliss. I think I screamed a little, but I was no-where near aware enough to really know for sure. I know I was gasping when I came back to reality. I know I was too dizzy to realize when it happened, but at some point I was shifted into a different position. Probably for better control of my body when I'd thrash and kick again. Cause I was held back again. Commanded to. And again it's fuzzy at the edges, but I think I begged all on my own that time. "'Please' is a good word."

He could have asked anything of me, right then and there. By the time it ebbed out, I was begging for something else, that I was not granted. I did not deserve it, I was told, and though I could have pleaded more, I was not unhappy to finish it the way it started. I'm never unhappy to do that. On the contrary. It's the feel, the scent, the taste, but most of all, the sound. Hearing his pleasure is what I strive after, my goal. It has a scaringly strong effect on me.

I was lightheaded, and my legs were shaking, after. And the request to open a window was already on my mind by the time he asked. And turning back towards the bed, seeing the mess his hair had become, and how his half-discarded clothes were positioned, was priceless. I think I do regret not getting the camera, hun ^.^
I'm gonna vote for doing the massage thing more often. Perhaps also when I'm not shaking like a leaf, and have absolutely no musclepower left XD


Mmm, a road I definitely want to go down more often. Not to say constantly.

P.S.

And I should, by the way, write more poems.

"This place is wild, untamed and free, and here my heartache lies
A cold, secluded spot in which the loving memory dies
In stead a hatred starts to grow, so cruel and uncontrolled
It boils and bursts, and it wants out, but I must learn to hold"

Taken out of one of my favorite pieces. Completely unrelated, yet so fitting.

I ask you not to ease my burden, but to strengthen my back so I might carry it better.

It seems like I'll be setting a record in blogging, this month. At least if I keep up this pace. But I haven't really felt like talking to actual people, about the things that bother me, lately, and so it goes out here.

I can feel myself growing mentally exhausted. Some days I just want to sit down and laugh and cry, at how ridiculously funny it all is. Actually, no, the crying is coming out plenty, at the most annoying and unfortunate times. The laughing, I could use more of. I'm doing too damn much. Why the hell is it always the spring that tears at me?

With so many people around me, feeling much crappier then me, my attempts to juggle support and respect for their privacy, not to mention enough critisism to know when it's "just another one of those days" and when it's the real deal, I can barely focus anymore. And I need to. I need to call the damn student counceling and get an interview. I need to apply for a job at that amusement park. I need to get my cat replaced. I need to get a hold of my doctor, and get an appointment. And I have another dentistvisit next week. Going in to get my vision tested later today.

You know when you were a kid, before you learned how to swim, and you had to wear a corkbelt and those blow-up-arm-thingys? And you were barely floating at the surface, but you trusted the damn things to keep you up? They were just air. How dependable is air, really? I feel like air is all that's holding me up, these days.

I'm not made for this lack of structure. My to-do list is getting so long I can't see the end of it, and my want-to-do list, I don't have that much energy left for. Mental energy, that is.

I had cleaning, laundry, groceryshopping, dishes and cooking planned, yesterday. I got some laundry done. I didn't do dishes, and the cleaning got so limited I might as well not have bothered at all. I'm proud I dragged myself to the store, and that I even ate anything. My kitchen is a mess, which I'm hating fiercely. I have at least 4 machines of laundry left. I'm going to change sheets in a minute, before I go to bed, and I'm hoping to get some vacuuming done tomorrow before the visiontest thing. I'll most likely be spending the rest of the day with my brother, which I'm really looking forward to. Just hanging out, doing nothing in particular, talking like only siblings know how to.

I should really throw the carcass of that orchid out, by the way.

And one thing I'm really hating atm, is the amount of drama finding it's way into my life. And I who thought I had weeded out a bit. The way people act and talk around me, is more and more often making me want to walk away from all the idiocy. I really fucking need to start studying. To get out amongst intelligent people, whom I don't have to relate to on a deeper level. People who can remind me of where the hell I placed my above-average-IQ, so I can relocate it. Find more people who can actually argue their case, without having to raise their voice in order to win.

I'm tired of people being loud. Of them not listening when I have something to say. Of people ignoring me, as if I'm not even there, when I try to speak up and say something that's actually on a level of intelligence that is my brain worthy. I'm just fine, not being the star of the show, you learn being fine with that, having friends who craves it. But I don't like being invisible.

So when I do step out of the shadows, and take my moment in the spotlight, it really angers me to be trampled down. It's rude.

However. Should I be pointing at the teammates which legs make me trip? Or should I learn to jump over them? And how many people will I knock down if I do?

The past.. It sneaks up on you like a fucking ninja sometimes.

I'm not entirely myself. The whole.. biological-father-contacting-me, sorta left me with some blankness. A drained tub, was how I worded it to the bat. I'm better, but I still have to work like a maniac at keeping Selfdestructive-Lunatic-Angel in check.

I had anticipated it. The moment his name started appearing on facebook, I knew it would happen. Cause if he was popping up all over my site, I would be at his as well. And naturally, he gave it a shot. Normally, with people, I won't blame anyone for trying anything. Everything is worth to at least make an honest attempt at, if you really want it. I have to say that way of thinking was challenged, though. I did blame him a little for contacting me. For daring to.

I got a long, intricate message, with an absolute lack of grammar that made it almost impossible to read, full of excuses, explanations and "I should never"'s. Sappy tales of his childhood, and how he was never the kind to stay at one place for too long. Well la-di-fucking-da, let's be a family again! Cause that makes it okay!

Come on. No, really. How is hinting at my mom being at fault, going to help anything? She wasn't the perfect parent, she had crap to deal with too, but at least she was there. Gave me a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and toys to stay busy with.

I don't care how you met each other, or why you got together in the first place. I don't care why you split up. I care about two very specific facts.

1. You chose to have me. It's usually considered wise to think that through. You're pretty much obligated to stick around the kid till they're old enough to want you gone.

2. You split. Things got too hard, and you upped and left. No letters, no phonecalls, not even a birthdaycard, or a greeting through my sister. You abandoned me completely.

Those are the only two things I need to concern myself with, in this. I was innocent, I didn't choose to exsist. You chose it, you and mom. And she held up her end of the bargain. She may be a pain more often then I care to get myself worked up about anymore, but she's here.

You cannot leave, ignore all attempts at contact for years, till one day you wake up and decide "Oh, that other daughter I have! Maybe I should text her and leave it up to her again, after all, she's 16 now, it has to be easier by now!" I didn't want it then, and I don't want your pityful excuses now. "Oh, but I had such a horrible childhood, it's not my fault I couldn't pick up the phone every now and then!" My childhood wasn't fucking roses either, but you don't see me using that as an excuse. It may have an effect on how I am and act, yes, but I do not excuse myself with it. As a matter of fact, to everyone who reads this: If I ever attempt to do that, kindly slap me, and make sure it's worth your while. Do spare my glasses though, they're freaking expensive.

You know what's interesting? A simple "I'm sorry. I fucked up, and I know I ruined you." might have gotten you a positive result 4 years ago. Now? It's simple too little, too late.

Ode to Lilacs? Aka: Insomnia pt... I lost count.

I got off work 4 hours ago. Still not sleeping. My neck is bothering me. I'm contemplative. And of all the damn things in the world I could be thinking of, lilacs are stuck in my head. It's the spring; flowers are starting to shoot up here and there, and my mind goes strictly to that one. I miss it.

I don't even remember who or what I was talking to and about, when the damn flower came up, though, I just remember having mentioned it. My favorite flower, because I have to be difficult and love a flower that only blooms a few months a year, and grows on a bush. But the smell of the light purple lilac, is simply irressistable to me. And so I love them. I wonder if you could get lilac scented oil.

I even remember when I started favourizing them. The daycare center I went to as a kid had a huge lilacbush beside the pool, and we used to use the narrow space in between to play trolls or elves, or house, if the imagination lacked. A little shaded grove-like area, shielded from one side by the wall of the raised pool, and on the other by the blooming lilacs. And the smell engulfed you completely. We used to pick the tiny flowers off the stalk, and suck the nectar out of them. The summer version of catching snowflakes on your tongue, to me.

My grandparents have one in their garden. Right beside the gate, so it greets you whenever you come to visit. I think I was about 8 or 9, when they cut it all the way down, to maintain it, and I was heartbroken. Took 2 years for it to grow back.

And yes, I actually have a point in talking about a stupid flower. Because despite the fact that it involves a person I no longer talk to, a person I decided I could no longer overcome having in my life, the flower makes me think of him. Last summer, maybe a month before our initial disagreement, we walked home from a fair. Well, we walked to my grandparents, we were having dinner with them. And I remember him moaning and bitching about how far it was XD It was really only a few miles, but I get how it felt longer after having walked around at the fair for hours previous to that. The walk back doesn't seem long to me, cause I've walked it, or been on a bike, hundreds of times before.

But on the way, we passed a bush of lilacs. And I simply had to pick one, except there was a deep and steep ditch between me and it. And most people would have rolled their eyes and walked on or mocked me to death when I fell in the ditch in my attempt to pick one, but this friend decided I should have the damn flower if I wanted it that bad. So I got to use him for support, so I could lean into open space, and reach it. I got my flower.

I miss that part of him. I miss days like that. Running from one pile of scrapmetal to another, to find old tools with a minimum of rust and damage. Rain that won't decide if it wants to make an effort or not, and finally passing the torch on to the sun, the second we decide on leaving. Shrieking of joy from the discovery of an ancient cartoon on dvd, that no one had seen in years. Eating way too much brightly coloured candy on the way home, talking sarcastically about our future together. How we'd have that farm right across the street, so he could get his pigs and a smithery in the barn, while I'd have a horse and a cow, and grow fruits and vegetables in the garden. Me having to stop in a fit of giggles at the mentioning of him ever doing groceryshopping, due to the fact that buying 4 things would take him an hour, and I'm a very impatient person.

I barely remember how we got into that conversation, but I think it had to do with me being the perfect housewife, in his opinion. He used to have 3 reasons for that, but I honestly only remember two. One was I'm perfect to share a bed with, due to the fact that I roll off and find a corner to take up, and I'm quiet when I sleep. Another being that I think bacon improves just about everything. Oh! I remember the third one! I can cook roast pork! Yeah, that was the joke, "I'll just wrap it up in bacon, cook it, and go sleep in the corner afterwards!"

It was funny as all hell. Even picking out each others flaws, and attempting to come up with good reasons as to why we would be the worst couple ever. But I think the arguments that followed during the summer and fall, pretty much proved my point in that XD

I'll probably always find the thought of him a little annoying, despite the fact that he meant a lot, and had a huge impact on me learning to trust people a little easier. He'll always be a first in many aspects. Positive as well as negative. And apparently he'll be stuck in my mind at the thought of lilacs. Which I guess I can live with, he deserves to be remembered, even if everything went horribly wrong at the end.

A health, a health, my kingdom for a health!

Okay, so two blogs on one night might seem over the top. Whatever, it's my blog, I'll write as often as I want, or not at all. I can't sleep. I am tired, more then I have been in a long time, due to the fact that I slept maybe an hour, all in all, last night. And I did get a nap at the grandparent's earlier, but 5 hours of sleep is not a lot to go on, for 2 days. I yawn so much I can barely see the damn screen.

It's cold. And quiet. And I'm sneezing. Not to mention the cat is poking me every five minutes. I'm annoyed at being tired, and I'm tired of being annoyed. Generally, lately, annoyance has been too easily provoked in me. Actually, everything has been easily provoked in me. Anger, annoyance, defensiveness, sadness, bitterness. All the negatives. And I don't seem to be able to control them very well. I snap at people all the time, I know I'm unreasonable while doing it, yet I can't seem to stop it. I can barely sit through the weekly visit with the grandparents. One minute I want to bite my grandmother's head off for constantly saying things that makes me feel like a 5-year old, and the next I want to smack my granddad for trying to be funny with the same jokes I've heard thousands of times, things that stopped being funny when I actually WAS 5.

I get annoyed by the constant offerings.

"I can get this for you?" No, that's okay, I'll do it myself.
"Do you want that?" If I do, I'll say so.
"We have cookies in the cabinet?" Not in the mood.
"Oh, if you don't want that we have.." Oh just shut up already!

I know where the fridge is and that I have free access, I can get my own glass from the cabinet, I can open the window on my own, I know where the towels are!

And the endless discussions! About things completely irrelevant. Who the hell cares if the bakery used to be a hatstore 60 years ago, it's not anymore, what the hell do you need the info for?! And why does it have to be discussed so loudly?! Who's life depends on it, since a disagreement makes you scream your lungs out at eachother? You're adding to my freaking headache! Sit down, shut up, discuss it like adults and stop fucking yelling already! And saying "no!" 5 times because you disagree, will NOT make you right. Try an argument. Try reasoning better then "I saw it on tv!" TV is not always right. Humans make it; It's flawed.

Ah. Acid relieved a bit. What I actually wanted to say was that I get too worked up over little insignificant things. And I'm starting to think I might want to stop by my physician. The government does not pay the poor guy enough, for how often I bother him. But I'm going to have to ask for some more bloodwork. I could be mistaken, but I think my hormones are way off. And if I'm right, I'll be needing different meds.

Could be I'm stressed. You know, in that unaware way the doctors are so fond of. But my mood is untrustworthy, I'm losing weight despite eating more regularly then I have in a very long time and moving less then usual, I am constantly tired, and I wake up constantly during the night. I've always been a light sleeper, and though it has helped, lately, to sleep next to someone, I can feel a difference. When I wake up, even after having been in bed for 12 hours, I'm still tired, and have to force myself to get up and do something, to get going. A couple of days ago I even got a nosebleed, out of nowhere. Now that has been awhile.

Ew. My hips and collarbone are actually starting to show. Usually, when I wear a skirt or run around in underwear, my thighs will touch eachother. They don't, anymore. I'm down to a weight that I haven't been at since I was 12. And that's about 4 inches in height ago. I am 2 lbs, 1 kg, from my minimum weight. I'm hating this.

Care too much, destroy too much?

Ugh.. My mind is fuzzy. I hate consequences. They really fucking suck. But you make a decision, and then you just have to deal with what happens. Though I'm mad at myself for allowing something to happen, that I knew would not turn out pretty. I felt it would turn out bad, in one way or another. And ignored it. Way to go, hon, overriding your better judgement, when it wasn't just about how you would feel afterwards. Good. Fucking. God.

Idiotic thing is, it's not what actually took place I feel crappy about. It clarified my preferences, to say something positive. Humiliation and akwardness I'll get over, doesn't really bother me all that much. Boundaries are relative, and though mine were somewhat overstepped, I was really the one walking; I could just have turned around.

What I don't like about it is how it affected him. Because if there's one thing that pains me, it's affecting him negatively. I hate it beyond what I can express with words. Like I've always hated affecting people, my people, the people I love and care way too much about, negatively. And I know I do that, care too much. Protect too much, give too much, worry too much, forgive too much. But it's how I am. Even if I changed it in action, it would always be there in my thoughts and heart.

I see more then I let people know. The pain around me, the anger, the sadness, frustrations. I feel it's unnecessary to always let people know I'm aware, though. It often makes people feel raw, exposed, even violated. And there's no reason to push anyone, no right to. I've learned that. But is it odd that I don't mind sharing the pain? That it makes me understand a little bit better? Though it probably isn't doing anything good. For anyone.

Sometimes I really feel like it might be better to take myself out of all the equations, and just dig myself a nice little hole somewhere, you know?

Definitely a day of sighs..

I wrote a blog, but then I eated it. No, really, I did write it, but then I saved it where only I can read it. It's very negative, and I have been just that for most of last night, and actually still am. Downright furious at people's blindness, to be honest. There will be hurt and misery, I've said it, now wait and watch me be right. Again.

The thing, guys, is that I am very tired of being right. I'm tired of being the only one who does not think with my genitals, or consider a little brainactivity healthy. I'll leave the "told you so" here, then you can just go ahead and pick it up whenever you're good and ready, and all the crap comes around.

On lighter notes. The world is still shrinking. I had the pleasure of meeting a girl I have heard way too much about, from a previous friend. He had a crush on her, and an intense fascination with her hair. Granted, she IS incredibly beautiful, and even more so in real life. And a really charming person, too. It's just odd, that she is friends with's A's roomie (and him too, for that matter), when I've heard so much about her in a completely different circle of people. Then again, the Copenhagen alternative environment is limited in size. Sooner or later, the circle closes in around you. Everyone knows everyone in this damned city.

My head is throbbing. The landlord's caralarm went off and was on for like an hour and a half, till we finally had enough and A called the police. (This was before we knew who the car belonged to, obviously, so they could find out who the owner was.) I still hear shrill ringing -.- So I've had too little sleep after staying up too late, I don't think I've been drinking enough, and my mood is awful. Trying not to let that last part show too much, no reason to be a moodkill to others.

My sister asked me to visit her at the job tonight. It's sooo far, though. Dunno if I wanna.

I Need A Portable Dreamcatcher..

Something funny. Well, it's not really funny, but it's the kind of thing you say sarcastically, claiming it to be hilarious, when in fact, it's not. Not even ironic. It's.. curious.

I'm up way too late, today. Tonight. Tomorning. Yeah, new term, being up so late it's morning, has to be tomorning. Been very restless and bored today. Well, technically, yesterday, since it's like 5.30 am, and I'm talking about previous to midnight. Bored becomes contemplative, and contemplative is just simply not good for me O.o I'm not even really sure what I've been so.. off, about. I've been very nonresponsive and lacking interest in people around me, few as they have been. And then, at 5 am, having spent time reading and gaming, avoiding too much human contact for hours, I throw on some music to unwind and get sleepy to.

And a sentence in one song just popped out so violently I actually jerked. Cause it reminded me of someone who has been shadowing the back of my mind these last few days. It's from the danish version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The sentence "There was a time you let me know, what's really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?". Though, it's slightly quirked in the danish version, so it's "There was a time when I could tell, exactly what you felt inside, now I only see a shadow of contempt". And it slammed into me, quite hard, that was how you felt. You despised me at the end, did you not? For being all the things I had never let myself be, and doing things so far out of your world it was too strange for you. I see how you didn't recognize me anymore. I was leaving it behind, the me you knew. And I hoped you could learn to love the new me as well.. But I asked too much, by asking that. I pushed it, too much, too fast, for you, and ended up losing you in the process.

But I didn't really see you, anymore, either. Not sure if I was too blind, or you were hiding too well. I still have moments of doubt. For 6 years I had the ultimate back-up. A friendship too solid to break. A person I knew I could come to, and despite all the shit I did and mistakes I made, they'd still love me, and be there. It was a mortal wound to my confidence, when that was taken from me. Or did I chase it away?

I wouldn't change this past year, or trade it for anything. Except for maybe having my best friend to talk to about everything that has happened. But I know I couldn't have both, you would never agree with, or even accept, my everyday life as it is today.

I'm still not sure what the hell went wrong, though. In a lot of areas, I'm old fashioned, by danish standards. By yours, my life is outrageous. And at times I felt like I was preaching "sex, drugs and rock'n'roll" to a nun, by your reactions. While the reactions I met around me was barely a shrug. While the responses in myself was a relief, finding what had been missing to make you a whole person.

I thought the.. mourning period? was over. It's the nightmares that brings you back, time and time again. Seeing you being hurt in front of me, unable to help you, restraints or faceless people holding me back, will never get any easier. But at least this time, someone was there to wake me up before you could die. And the next night, it was different, cause you weren't the one bleeding and gasping for air. But you held the knife, with that specific deceptive smile on your face, and when I was woken up again, I spent five full minutes listening to his breathing, to make sure it had only been a dream.

But that has been it for the nightmares. Only two, where it's usually.. Enough to keep me sleep deprived for a fortnight. Doesn't make it less terrifying, though. And I'm sure he's gonna think me a lunatic if you manage to kill him in one of my dreams, and I wake up screaming or in tears. Well, more tears then from the others.

I'm unsure if I want you to just be out of my mind and dreams. I still miss you. My conclusion about why you keep reappearing in my head, is the unresolved stuff. The questions that still confuses me. The fact that the very last time we talked to eachother, I was too angry to tell you I'd love you a little bit, always, despite everything. So I'm hoping this blog will give me some peace of mind. Whether you read my crap or not.

Surprise! Oh, and I'm a Libra!

Oh my, time flies when you're having fun? Don't really have a good reason for not blogging for the last few weeks, I guess I've just been too busy living. And I even got my computer back, so it's not like it would have been a struggle. But eh, it's my damn blog, I can update it whenever I bloody want, right?

Anyhows. I'm in a really good mood today. I've had a really good weekend, that in no way explains why I'm so tired today. Well, okay, it sort of does, come to thing about it. I got woken up at 9am (on a sunday!!!) and what started out as cleaning up a bit, turned into some serious cleaning of The Desk Of Doom and one kitchen that I'm in no way done with yet. Though the whole stove-thing gave me an almost orgasmic satisfaction, once I was done. I know, I'm terrible. But there's just something about clean, shiny surfaces that strokes my inner tigress and makes her purr.

I've found I rather like doing chores, lately. Not so much my own, but then again, right now there's not that much other then laundry that needs to be done. Except for perhaps mirrors. But even tidying up, arranging pillows and- wait! Oh, I've complete skipped blogging about that that! Bugger. The Bat's birthday! It was wednesday. And, being the extremely awesome creature that is me, I had arranged for a major surprise for her. I have been entertaining the idea of getting her some furniture for awhile. Mostly because, well, people end up sitting on really strange blow-up objects at her place, in lack of enough seats.

So of course, my brilliant mind decided months ago to get the poor girl a couch. She's been in the damn apartment for what, 2 years? It's about bloody time. And after the whole boyfriend incident that we're not getting further into, I was pretty damn sure the change in surroundings were welcome. So I scrouged up 10 of her friends and my mom (who was generous enough to pitch in last moment), spread the idea, and get a trip to Ikea organized. Badabing badabum, and the whole thing is going.

However. I wanted it to be a surprise. So it couldn't be on her actual birthday, for one, cause she'd expect me to be around on the day itself. And it couldn't be on the day of her birthday party, cause that would both be too obvious, and too annoying with big furniture boxes all over, and people on top of eachother, trying to.. fit into a one-room apartment XD SO! I talk to Geo, who is responsible for getting us a car to transport stuff in, and we come to the conclusion that tuesday, the day before the actual birthday, would be perfect, seeing as I knew for a fact she would be out, during at least some of the evening. Dates can be very helpful for my plotting and scheming.

Tuesday afternoon, I meet up with Geo and Martin, and together we go on a train ride, followed by a quick bus trip, and Ikea suffers the loss of one couch, one coffee table, one bookshelf, one shoeshelf, one doormat, two blankets and five pillows. All carefully selected online, the night before, for timesaving reasons. Back towards the city we go, me sitting on an old hoover in the back of the van, clinging on for dear life, and we reach the apartment. Checking for lifesigns and finding the place empty, as expected, I let myself in, and the fun begins.

Simon shows up to help assemble stuff, and later on, Kenny also appears. And we get a good bit of it done, the couch is in one piece, the table is looking like a table, the bookshelf is being tricky, and the doormat and shoeshelf is all done and where they ought to be. However. The place is a mess, the bookshelf should be full of dvd's, the couch is in the middle of the room, and the tv can't be moved where I want it. And the Bat has just texted me, saying she's on her way home. Crapshit.

There was a very brief moment of silence, before panic burst out. 5 seconds later, I'm yelling at one person to tighten the last bolts on the shelf, another to get the couch against the wall and move the bedtable, a third to get me all her dvd's for the shelf, and scrambling for an excuse for Simon to meet her out front and go get pizza. I have no idea what the poor boy told her of lies, but it worked. Thank god, and whatever holy in this world, he had luck to drag her off, and give us time to actually get the place back in order. And it looked awesome when we were done.

When they got back from the pizza place, the guys were sitting around on the new couch, and a few chairs, having a beer and a smoke, being very quiet till I had had time to warn her that I "accidentally did something to her apartment". She noticed the shoeshelf and doormat immediately. She did not notice the 3 pairs of male shoes, next to mine and Simon's XD She was just marveling at the great present I had gotten her. Then, with clear apprehension about what on earth I had done to her place, she gently pushed the door to the livingroom open, to the guys smiling, greeting her casually home, asking about her date.

I have never in my life seen someone drop their jaw that immensely. And I enjoyed every second of it. Even though the shocked silence did eventually worry me a bit, coming from her XD I caught her stroking the table several times during the evening, as we sat around it, eating pizza, talking about how great is was to surprise her like this, and how much fun it had been seeing her face as she entered. It was worth everything to do that. To see her absolute, shining happiness and love for her friends, in that moment. To know that we could cause such a positive reaction from her. It really does beat a giftcertificate, doesn't it?

So yeah, even the panicked clean-up, waiting for her to appear, finding cardboard and plastic all over, was sort of a joy to me. Cause I knew I was working towards a goal that would make someone happy. And the everyday chores I've been doing a bit of this weekend, has been like that, too. It's not a bother for me to do it, I actually find routine-work like dishes, cleaning, sorting stuff, quite relaxing for my mind. Knowing that doing it helps someone else? Makes it therapy. Today was very therapeutic. Cleaning the desk, without having been asked to, getting some much needed dusting done, doing the dishes and cleaning the stove and walls, while hearing him singing along with disney-tunes in the other room, relaxing after vacuuming. And I enjoyed it all the more, knowing he would get to relax that much longer, for the more I got done. To me, the hug by the sink was "payment" enough.

It's really rather stupid, isn't it? Well, more like contradicting. That someone as stubborn as me, is also so much of a pleaser as I am. An old friend of mine asked me today, if I wasn't afraid to be taken advantage of. And honestly? No, not really. I think I've gotten used to the idea of the world as a cold, cunning bitch. There's always going to be people taking advantage of you, given the opportunity. However, when I do things because making a specific person happy makes me happy, I don't see how I'm supposed to feel taken advantage of. It's my choice, no one is asking it of me. I do it in the hope of helping. In the hope of removing a burden, however small of insignificant. In the hope of making a difference. Of making everything a little easier for people I love.

Apparently, it's a Libra thing. I usually don't believe in zodiacs and astrology and all that crap, but a former friend of mine made a reference from a book about Libra's, that I can't help but find to be very true about myself. In short, cause the whole thing was absurdly long, said that female Libra's are known for "gently removing the rocks and pebbles from their loved ones' path". We're caretakers, us female Libra's. Heh, or so this book says. But I have to give that one a high five for being spot on. *High five!*

Now, I am very tired, and I have yet another dentist thing tomorrow, with a new dentist person. My old one had to go do stuff. Like giving birth. So I'm left to pray for the new one being as great as the first one. Since I really don't like dentists in the first place. They make me uncomfortable. Till the get going, that is, and I'm bored out of my mind, and annoyed by the strangely dim-but-yet-blinding lights they use.

I wanted to do some more WoW'ing today, but I honestly got too angry with the nuisance of bickering. People in dungeons are so freaking petty. I'm disappointed with them. I wish them all into the jaws of something lvl 80 elite. Something angry with big teeth and lots of spawns.

I will try to write a bit, or pass out on the bed, whatever suits me best in 5 minutes.

Byyyyeee nerds.