The past.. It sneaks up on you like a fucking ninja sometimes.

I'm not entirely myself. The whole.. biological-father-contacting-me, sorta left me with some blankness. A drained tub, was how I worded it to the bat. I'm better, but I still have to work like a maniac at keeping Selfdestructive-Lunatic-Angel in check.

I had anticipated it. The moment his name started appearing on facebook, I knew it would happen. Cause if he was popping up all over my site, I would be at his as well. And naturally, he gave it a shot. Normally, with people, I won't blame anyone for trying anything. Everything is worth to at least make an honest attempt at, if you really want it. I have to say that way of thinking was challenged, though. I did blame him a little for contacting me. For daring to.

I got a long, intricate message, with an absolute lack of grammar that made it almost impossible to read, full of excuses, explanations and "I should never"'s. Sappy tales of his childhood, and how he was never the kind to stay at one place for too long. Well la-di-fucking-da, let's be a family again! Cause that makes it okay!

Come on. No, really. How is hinting at my mom being at fault, going to help anything? She wasn't the perfect parent, she had crap to deal with too, but at least she was there. Gave me a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and toys to stay busy with.

I don't care how you met each other, or why you got together in the first place. I don't care why you split up. I care about two very specific facts.

1. You chose to have me. It's usually considered wise to think that through. You're pretty much obligated to stick around the kid till they're old enough to want you gone.

2. You split. Things got too hard, and you upped and left. No letters, no phonecalls, not even a birthdaycard, or a greeting through my sister. You abandoned me completely.

Those are the only two things I need to concern myself with, in this. I was innocent, I didn't choose to exsist. You chose it, you and mom. And she held up her end of the bargain. She may be a pain more often then I care to get myself worked up about anymore, but she's here.

You cannot leave, ignore all attempts at contact for years, till one day you wake up and decide "Oh, that other daughter I have! Maybe I should text her and leave it up to her again, after all, she's 16 now, it has to be easier by now!" I didn't want it then, and I don't want your pityful excuses now. "Oh, but I had such a horrible childhood, it's not my fault I couldn't pick up the phone every now and then!" My childhood wasn't fucking roses either, but you don't see me using that as an excuse. It may have an effect on how I am and act, yes, but I do not excuse myself with it. As a matter of fact, to everyone who reads this: If I ever attempt to do that, kindly slap me, and make sure it's worth your while. Do spare my glasses though, they're freaking expensive.

You know what's interesting? A simple "I'm sorry. I fucked up, and I know I ruined you." might have gotten you a positive result 4 years ago. Now? It's simple too little, too late.