Ode to Lilacs? Aka: Insomnia pt... I lost count.

I got off work 4 hours ago. Still not sleeping. My neck is bothering me. I'm contemplative. And of all the damn things in the world I could be thinking of, lilacs are stuck in my head. It's the spring; flowers are starting to shoot up here and there, and my mind goes strictly to that one. I miss it.

I don't even remember who or what I was talking to and about, when the damn flower came up, though, I just remember having mentioned it. My favorite flower, because I have to be difficult and love a flower that only blooms a few months a year, and grows on a bush. But the smell of the light purple lilac, is simply irressistable to me. And so I love them. I wonder if you could get lilac scented oil.

I even remember when I started favourizing them. The daycare center I went to as a kid had a huge lilacbush beside the pool, and we used to use the narrow space in between to play trolls or elves, or house, if the imagination lacked. A little shaded grove-like area, shielded from one side by the wall of the raised pool, and on the other by the blooming lilacs. And the smell engulfed you completely. We used to pick the tiny flowers off the stalk, and suck the nectar out of them. The summer version of catching snowflakes on your tongue, to me.

My grandparents have one in their garden. Right beside the gate, so it greets you whenever you come to visit. I think I was about 8 or 9, when they cut it all the way down, to maintain it, and I was heartbroken. Took 2 years for it to grow back.

And yes, I actually have a point in talking about a stupid flower. Because despite the fact that it involves a person I no longer talk to, a person I decided I could no longer overcome having in my life, the flower makes me think of him. Last summer, maybe a month before our initial disagreement, we walked home from a fair. Well, we walked to my grandparents, we were having dinner with them. And I remember him moaning and bitching about how far it was XD It was really only a few miles, but I get how it felt longer after having walked around at the fair for hours previous to that. The walk back doesn't seem long to me, cause I've walked it, or been on a bike, hundreds of times before.

But on the way, we passed a bush of lilacs. And I simply had to pick one, except there was a deep and steep ditch between me and it. And most people would have rolled their eyes and walked on or mocked me to death when I fell in the ditch in my attempt to pick one, but this friend decided I should have the damn flower if I wanted it that bad. So I got to use him for support, so I could lean into open space, and reach it. I got my flower.

I miss that part of him. I miss days like that. Running from one pile of scrapmetal to another, to find old tools with a minimum of rust and damage. Rain that won't decide if it wants to make an effort or not, and finally passing the torch on to the sun, the second we decide on leaving. Shrieking of joy from the discovery of an ancient cartoon on dvd, that no one had seen in years. Eating way too much brightly coloured candy on the way home, talking sarcastically about our future together. How we'd have that farm right across the street, so he could get his pigs and a smithery in the barn, while I'd have a horse and a cow, and grow fruits and vegetables in the garden. Me having to stop in a fit of giggles at the mentioning of him ever doing groceryshopping, due to the fact that buying 4 things would take him an hour, and I'm a very impatient person.

I barely remember how we got into that conversation, but I think it had to do with me being the perfect housewife, in his opinion. He used to have 3 reasons for that, but I honestly only remember two. One was I'm perfect to share a bed with, due to the fact that I roll off and find a corner to take up, and I'm quiet when I sleep. Another being that I think bacon improves just about everything. Oh! I remember the third one! I can cook roast pork! Yeah, that was the joke, "I'll just wrap it up in bacon, cook it, and go sleep in the corner afterwards!"

It was funny as all hell. Even picking out each others flaws, and attempting to come up with good reasons as to why we would be the worst couple ever. But I think the arguments that followed during the summer and fall, pretty much proved my point in that XD

I'll probably always find the thought of him a little annoying, despite the fact that he meant a lot, and had a huge impact on me learning to trust people a little easier. He'll always be a first in many aspects. Positive as well as negative. And apparently he'll be stuck in my mind at the thought of lilacs. Which I guess I can live with, he deserves to be remembered, even if everything went horribly wrong at the end.