I ask you not to ease my burden, but to strengthen my back so I might carry it better.

It seems like I'll be setting a record in blogging, this month. At least if I keep up this pace. But I haven't really felt like talking to actual people, about the things that bother me, lately, and so it goes out here.

I can feel myself growing mentally exhausted. Some days I just want to sit down and laugh and cry, at how ridiculously funny it all is. Actually, no, the crying is coming out plenty, at the most annoying and unfortunate times. The laughing, I could use more of. I'm doing too damn much. Why the hell is it always the spring that tears at me?

With so many people around me, feeling much crappier then me, my attempts to juggle support and respect for their privacy, not to mention enough critisism to know when it's "just another one of those days" and when it's the real deal, I can barely focus anymore. And I need to. I need to call the damn student counceling and get an interview. I need to apply for a job at that amusement park. I need to get my cat replaced. I need to get a hold of my doctor, and get an appointment. And I have another dentistvisit next week. Going in to get my vision tested later today.

You know when you were a kid, before you learned how to swim, and you had to wear a corkbelt and those blow-up-arm-thingys? And you were barely floating at the surface, but you trusted the damn things to keep you up? They were just air. How dependable is air, really? I feel like air is all that's holding me up, these days.

I'm not made for this lack of structure. My to-do list is getting so long I can't see the end of it, and my want-to-do list, I don't have that much energy left for. Mental energy, that is.

I had cleaning, laundry, groceryshopping, dishes and cooking planned, yesterday. I got some laundry done. I didn't do dishes, and the cleaning got so limited I might as well not have bothered at all. I'm proud I dragged myself to the store, and that I even ate anything. My kitchen is a mess, which I'm hating fiercely. I have at least 4 machines of laundry left. I'm going to change sheets in a minute, before I go to bed, and I'm hoping to get some vacuuming done tomorrow before the visiontest thing. I'll most likely be spending the rest of the day with my brother, which I'm really looking forward to. Just hanging out, doing nothing in particular, talking like only siblings know how to.

I should really throw the carcass of that orchid out, by the way.

And one thing I'm really hating atm, is the amount of drama finding it's way into my life. And I who thought I had weeded out a bit. The way people act and talk around me, is more and more often making me want to walk away from all the idiocy. I really fucking need to start studying. To get out amongst intelligent people, whom I don't have to relate to on a deeper level. People who can remind me of where the hell I placed my above-average-IQ, so I can relocate it. Find more people who can actually argue their case, without having to raise their voice in order to win.

I'm tired of people being loud. Of them not listening when I have something to say. Of people ignoring me, as if I'm not even there, when I try to speak up and say something that's actually on a level of intelligence that is my brain worthy. I'm just fine, not being the star of the show, you learn being fine with that, having friends who craves it. But I don't like being invisible.

So when I do step out of the shadows, and take my moment in the spotlight, it really angers me to be trampled down. It's rude.

However. Should I be pointing at the teammates which legs make me trip? Or should I learn to jump over them? And how many people will I knock down if I do?