Care too much, destroy too much?

Ugh.. My mind is fuzzy. I hate consequences. They really fucking suck. But you make a decision, and then you just have to deal with what happens. Though I'm mad at myself for allowing something to happen, that I knew would not turn out pretty. I felt it would turn out bad, in one way or another. And ignored it. Way to go, hon, overriding your better judgement, when it wasn't just about how you would feel afterwards. Good. Fucking. God.

Idiotic thing is, it's not what actually took place I feel crappy about. It clarified my preferences, to say something positive. Humiliation and akwardness I'll get over, doesn't really bother me all that much. Boundaries are relative, and though mine were somewhat overstepped, I was really the one walking; I could just have turned around.

What I don't like about it is how it affected him. Because if there's one thing that pains me, it's affecting him negatively. I hate it beyond what I can express with words. Like I've always hated affecting people, my people, the people I love and care way too much about, negatively. And I know I do that, care too much. Protect too much, give too much, worry too much, forgive too much. But it's how I am. Even if I changed it in action, it would always be there in my thoughts and heart.

I see more then I let people know. The pain around me, the anger, the sadness, frustrations. I feel it's unnecessary to always let people know I'm aware, though. It often makes people feel raw, exposed, even violated. And there's no reason to push anyone, no right to. I've learned that. But is it odd that I don't mind sharing the pain? That it makes me understand a little bit better? Though it probably isn't doing anything good. For anyone.

Sometimes I really feel like it might be better to take myself out of all the equations, and just dig myself a nice little hole somewhere, you know?