I Need A Portable Dreamcatcher..

Something funny. Well, it's not really funny, but it's the kind of thing you say sarcastically, claiming it to be hilarious, when in fact, it's not. Not even ironic. It's.. curious.

I'm up way too late, today. Tonight. Tomorning. Yeah, new term, being up so late it's morning, has to be tomorning. Been very restless and bored today. Well, technically, yesterday, since it's like 5.30 am, and I'm talking about previous to midnight. Bored becomes contemplative, and contemplative is just simply not good for me O.o I'm not even really sure what I've been so.. off, about. I've been very nonresponsive and lacking interest in people around me, few as they have been. And then, at 5 am, having spent time reading and gaming, avoiding too much human contact for hours, I throw on some music to unwind and get sleepy to.

And a sentence in one song just popped out so violently I actually jerked. Cause it reminded me of someone who has been shadowing the back of my mind these last few days. It's from the danish version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The sentence "There was a time you let me know, what's really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?". Though, it's slightly quirked in the danish version, so it's "There was a time when I could tell, exactly what you felt inside, now I only see a shadow of contempt". And it slammed into me, quite hard, that was how you felt. You despised me at the end, did you not? For being all the things I had never let myself be, and doing things so far out of your world it was too strange for you. I see how you didn't recognize me anymore. I was leaving it behind, the me you knew. And I hoped you could learn to love the new me as well.. But I asked too much, by asking that. I pushed it, too much, too fast, for you, and ended up losing you in the process.

But I didn't really see you, anymore, either. Not sure if I was too blind, or you were hiding too well. I still have moments of doubt. For 6 years I had the ultimate back-up. A friendship too solid to break. A person I knew I could come to, and despite all the shit I did and mistakes I made, they'd still love me, and be there. It was a mortal wound to my confidence, when that was taken from me. Or did I chase it away?

I wouldn't change this past year, or trade it for anything. Except for maybe having my best friend to talk to about everything that has happened. But I know I couldn't have both, you would never agree with, or even accept, my everyday life as it is today.

I'm still not sure what the hell went wrong, though. In a lot of areas, I'm old fashioned, by danish standards. By yours, my life is outrageous. And at times I felt like I was preaching "sex, drugs and rock'n'roll" to a nun, by your reactions. While the reactions I met around me was barely a shrug. While the responses in myself was a relief, finding what had been missing to make you a whole person.

I thought the.. mourning period? was over. It's the nightmares that brings you back, time and time again. Seeing you being hurt in front of me, unable to help you, restraints or faceless people holding me back, will never get any easier. But at least this time, someone was there to wake me up before you could die. And the next night, it was different, cause you weren't the one bleeding and gasping for air. But you held the knife, with that specific deceptive smile on your face, and when I was woken up again, I spent five full minutes listening to his breathing, to make sure it had only been a dream.

But that has been it for the nightmares. Only two, where it's usually.. Enough to keep me sleep deprived for a fortnight. Doesn't make it less terrifying, though. And I'm sure he's gonna think me a lunatic if you manage to kill him in one of my dreams, and I wake up screaming or in tears. Well, more tears then from the others.

I'm unsure if I want you to just be out of my mind and dreams. I still miss you. My conclusion about why you keep reappearing in my head, is the unresolved stuff. The questions that still confuses me. The fact that the very last time we talked to eachother, I was too angry to tell you I'd love you a little bit, always, despite everything. So I'm hoping this blog will give me some peace of mind. Whether you read my crap or not.