A fool be fooled.

This weekend has just plain sucked.

I've wanted to curl up in a ball and not face the world since thursday evening. I couldn't handle it, I simply couldn't. I tried to play nice, but it was like constant pecking at a bleeding wound; it wasn't going to get the least better. It's like having a woodpecker reminding you you lost them both, months ago. And I can't bloody well explain that to either of them, now can I? You can't freaking sit down and tell your brother about all the ways he's putting his neck on line, without betraying your best friend. And you can't tell your best friend you don't feel comfortable sharing anything private with her, when you know she's the kind of person who shares things with her partner, and her partner is your brother.

And I'll always be in the fucking middle, wether I want to or not, or if they say so now or not. Cause I'll be told about their problems, and I can't agree or disagree with anything, without disappointing or betraying one of them. And I keep seeing the day when it breaks, in my head, seeing my best friend crumble, cause she still doesn't know how to stand strong alone, and my brother break with hurt. And if there's one person in this world I cannot bear the thought of being in pain, it's my brother. Cause out of all the people I've ever known or met, he's done the least to deserve it. And not it seems I'm the one to hurt him.

And how can I be a support for any of them, when I love the other as well? Whoever ends up to blame in an argument, I'd have to walk away from even listening to it. How can I be a friend, like that? How can I be a sister?

And I was yelled at for my reactions. I was chastised by the one I seek out for support, for being unable to accept things. It broke my heart a little bit, cause at the same time, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself, and completely misunderstood. I've never been so torn up, not knowing if I should be yelling and screaming to defend myself, or go dig a hole to hide in. I chose to shut up and suffer in silence, to think about what had been said.

And at first, I thought spending the weekend by myself would probably help me sort things out. Now.. I'm doing everything in my power not to tear up at the prospect of another few days alone. It helped a lot that he called the second he knew I was sad, and listened to me. Even though I'm sure half of it made no sense through the sniffling. Having someone who sees the thoughtful pain in me, and not just the angry reactions, makes it bearable. Knowing someone wanted to be there and hug me, no, that he wanted it, even made me smile.

I've conducted my usual behaviour for being sad, these last two days. Keeping myself busy. Yesterday I watched movies, went for a walk, gaming in till I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Today I cleaned up, fed the snakes, ran the dishwasher and now I'm watching Buffy. After this blog, I'll be packing some of my stuff down to take with me home. I guess not being home for a month, except to do laundry, will have my apartment in a state that can keep me busy for awhile, too. I hope.

I feel like crap cause I can't be what the world wants me to be. Cause I can't feel what they want me to. I could try to lie, pretend I'm okay with everything.

But who am I kidding?

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Thank you for being there, my puppy, when I needed you. It means the world to me. Thank you for listening to my crazy ramblings, for understanding, for caring and for being able to distract me enough to make me laugh again. Thank you for eternally twisting and expanding my perspective, or do your best at it. Thank you for inspiring me, and thank your for giving me hope when all seems hopeless. Thank you for being in my life, and thank you for letting me be in yours. Most of all; Thank you for being you.