It's Just Emotions.

I could spend hours describing how I feel right now. The last 10 days or so has been... turbulent? Yeah, turbulent. I've spent half the time feeling like crap, and the other half trying to not let it show I felt like crap. It's just no fun at all, the whole situation, and though I have this wonderful person in my life who wants to help, coming up with a solution that's positive for everyone, just isn't an option. I don't have an answer as to how it's going to work out, and I honestly feel better away from it. But it's tough as hell, you know?

When he mentioned he was taking me to that party saturday night, I wasn't entirely sure a bunch of people I didn't know, would be my idea of a weekend evening, while in a not very social mood. I decided, however, that seeing him around his friends, happy and in his element, would at least cheer me up. And it sure did.

Originally, drinking wasn't part of my plan. Considering how I get when emotionally unstable and drunk, it seemed a bad idea. I mean, when you break down in tears over freaking yoghurt while grocery shopping, you know something is out of place. But I forgot about beeing moody after 2 ciders and 2 cups of punch. And then a few people I actually know, arrived. The sweet little punk girl I've wanted to hug and put in my bag and take home, every time I've met her. Two of the puppy's guy friends, whom I surprised myself at being relaxed enough to throw dirty jokes and suggestions after. It was interesting to see how one blushed and cowered, and the other picked it up and joked right back with me. Not that I really wanna get suggestive with any of his friends, but it's very typical of me to joke that way with people I feel comfortable around, so it dawned on me pretty heavily.

As the evening progressed, I even dared talking to some strangers. Yes, wow, big deal, huh? Well, yeah, to me it is. I'm not, and have never been, the outgoing person who walks up to people and start a conversation about whatever I pull out of my sleeve. But I had a really nice conversation with a really nice girl. And I didn't die. Gasp.

However, the whole party-like-it's-your-last-day-on-earth thing got to me at some point, and I went off on my own for a bit, exploring the area, and eventually plopping down on a lawn. And I stayed there for a while, just getting some noise out of my head, and letting a bit of the alcohol get out of my system (aka laid still till the world stopped spinning), and was getting to a point where going back seemed the best thing to do. And suddenly the punk girl was sitting next to me, and we were talking about stuff. Friendships, family, relationships, good and bad decisions, and all the crap that follows. We walked back hand in hand, after swapping belts, and I have to say I can't help the growing affection I have for that little loon.

I think I ended up kissing her about 6 or 7 times, even though the first time was just for fun. And we danced several times, too. The girl had me drinking Bailey, for crying out loud O.o But it was all fun and games. I even danced with the birthday boy, though not very prettily. A lot of jumping and can-can style, right there.

And I felt too drunk again, and went back to my lawn, where my puppy quickly joined me. I could easily have slept right there, under the stars on a warm night, tugged against his side. And I had long ago figured, that someday he'd ask me the question he asked right then, but I hadn't expected how scared it made me to answer. But I did. We were both very honest, right then, and it was the scariest thing I've ever lived through. But it has left me more calm then I've ever felt before. I don't need to own anyone. I don't need to be everything to them. I need to know I can trust them, that they're honest with me. And if I'm very lucky, some of them will tell me the words he told me on the hottest day of the year.

I knew. Just as I'm sure he knew, without me having to say it. What made it such an important moment, is the fact that he knows me so well. With him, I can't even hope to hide an emotion, he sees right through me. It's annoying as all hell, really. But he sees all the bad shit in me, and still cares enough to want to say that to me.

Screw monogamy. I'll take honesty, trust and love, above that, any day.