I love Aladdin

Life is one curious thing, you know? This past week or so has been odd. The squirrel contacted me quite out of the blue. I'll leave it at he needed someone to talk to, who knew him well enough to understand. I don't know if I did help, and I think the consequences ended up doing more harm then good. I'll probably always think he can do better.

It was weird, really. Sitting there, being filled with nostalgia, and yet feeling only the emptyness of the friendship lost. And at the same time knowing it was a matter of hours, maybe a day, maybe a week, till he'd leave again. I think that's why it didn't have a bigger impact; I didn't let myself get reattached, I knew he'd be gone in a heartbeat. And sometimes I feel the fool. I was always second, and I always would have been, had our paths not seperated. And I would have lived with it, if he needed me to. I didn't let him know a lot about how I am or what's going on here, and I didn't want to. I knew he'd change his mind on contacting me.

And I stand by my words to him. I'm in a good place now. It might not be what most consider ideal, but it's good for me, and I don't want it changed. I don't want it back. I'm not what he really needs or wants, I'm just the fantasy of what used to be perfect. I deserve and want to be more then that, to a person.

All the empty promises were no good then, and I can't use them today either. Only difference is, back then I actually wanted all that. And yes, if we were still the same, if we were both the same as we were back then, we could probably have a perfect life together. But we're not silly teenagers anymore. I'm done dreaming of if's and maybe's. And there's no emotions left on that level. It's only the friendship I miss.

So it was really quite easy for me, being there as a support. I'll never turn down his hand if it reaches for me. I couldn't. But I'll be realistic about it. I haven't forgotten what I've been through, on his account. I don't blame him for it either, it just made me that much wiser.

He was my best friend for 6 years. I don't care if he took advantage of me. I don't care if he could be cruel "just because". I don't care that he ended up detesting what I did and who I surrounded myself with. I don't care that I was always second in line. He was there when I needed him to be. He was there when I raged and cried, and he reached out for my consolation when he was the one who needed it. He let me in, and snuck his way behind my barriers as well. He was the voice in the back of my mind who told me when I was being an idiot about something, and let me be so if I wanted. He had my back, and he kept my secrets. He protected me as well as I allowed him. He was my friend. End of story.

And then my cat got picked up and taking to his new home. He's doing good already, so I'm less worried about him then I thought I would be. He'll be fine with Mac :) Eating plants already, that's a good sign. I was afraid he'd hide under the bed for all eternity, so brave behaviour is a surprise to me. I hope he doesn't hate me. His mommy put him in the scary-box, handed him over to a stranger, and sent him off. Yes, I feel like shit for doing it. But it was better all-round, and so I try to be the eternal optimist about it, and not let it show that I'm sad that he's gone. Listening to Disney songs helps. I think I've watched Aladdin 4 times since I got it weeks ago, and now Youtube is suffering my abuse as well.

I think it's a wonder, it's only been 8 days since it snowed. And yesterday I walked around outside wearing a thin dress, leggings and a jacket as thin as the dress. Barely anything. Today it was even better. I love the late spring and early summer. It brings out the beauty in a smile.

Now, I'm gonna get all prettyfied. Do the hair and makeup and put on a nice dress. And hopefully has as wonderful and evening as I had a day. If I can make this mop of hair behave.