It's lonely on the top, huh?

People are really making me sick these days. It's funny how it always starts with my family, and I never notice it till it spreads to my friends.

I visit my grandparents once a week. As a kid I used to go there every weekend, with my cousin. When we got older, she showed up only every other weekend, and finally only came around every now and then. I got older, and friends got more interesting than grandparents, and so I followed her path. Nowadays, I get that they don't get out much or see that many people, and so their family is what's important. Thus, I visit.

These past few years, my grandparents and mom have had a hobby. Genealogy. Finding out who was parents to who, and where and when, hundreds of years back. And the discussions they have about it is both boring, and to me useless. Most of these people died hundreds of years ago, what use is the information today? But fine, it gives them something to do. I just wish they'd keep the god damn noise down.

And then there's the complete exclusion from the conversation, that sort of bothers me. One thing is I don't know the least about what they're talking about, that's my own choice. Another is the fact that even if they're not yelling at eachother, even if they're being silent, they don't hear me when I speak. I can repeat a question 4-5 times, with no response or recognition of my exsistence whatsoever.

The other day, I visited a friend. They asked me to come over and help with something, and I brought soda and beer cause they were frustrated about it. I was there 3-4 hours. And when I left, I couldn't help thinking I might as well have just gone home in stead of going there. I think out of everything I said while there, 2 or 3 things were heard and responded to. The rest of the time, I was cut off, the subject was changed, or I simply got no response. I think I spent half an hour in silence, staring at the ceiling, at one point.

And I was actually happy a few days ago. And suddenly it hit me how I have no one to share that with. The funny thing about happiness, to me at least, is that I don't find it very nice to have, if I'm the only one to enjoy it. And now I'm just angry and sad and most of all, disappointed, that the people I usually talk to about things, good as well as bad, are simply ignoring me. It's a very lonely feeling.

And hearing the sentence "I'm happy for you" is just not what I need. I need the look of annoyance and envy gone from their eyes when I tell something funny that happened. I need a genuine smile. I need to be looked in the eyes while I talk, so I know I'm being listened to. And I don't know how many times I've done this for others, which just makes it that much worse that they can't seem to return it.

At least I know there's one person who actually wants to be there, the only one who actually has a good reason why they can't be. And I don't want my negativity taken out on that person, since they deserve it least, and is not the cause of it.

So now I'm taking a break from people. To calm myself down and to protect the innocents from my outbursts. It helps, having that in the back of my mind. That there's a person who really does not need to deal with your anger. Keeps me a little more aware, keeps me at bay.