Crazy shit. Yes, I said shit.

*Originally written and posted on April 21rst. Removed it for awhile to protect an old friend from a huge fight. Now that the fight found place anyway, I feel the blog won't have an impact, and therefore posting it.*


Okay, so at the beginning time of this blog, it's 12.40 pm. Just past noon. And so far, this day has been BEYOND wacked. I woke up from the most awesome dream in ages, despite the fact that it took hours of uneasy fussing to fall asleep. I'm playing with the thought, that if I bundle a blanket up next to me so the bed doesn't feel so wide, it might go a little easier. I had a crazy craving for pancakes, which will be fulfilled a little later ^.^

So after about another hour in bed, I decide to get up. Put on some music to wake up my brain as well. Seriously, I am NOT a morning person. So I get my computer going, turn on the music, and think "Hey, lets go check the email!" as I pretty much do as the first thing every time I turn on this thing. And yay, crappy junkmail! More yay for even more crappy junkmail! And a facebook notification that someone wrote me! Awesome! ... Wait, what? Who? No, that has to be a mistake, the squirrel hasn't initiated any contact for.. how long has it been? 9 months? Almost 10? That has to be a facebook-screw-up. *Click*

Oh. So it wasn't a facebook-screw-up. Huh. Well. This is weird. Wasn't I supposed to suffer in silence for another decade or something? Till some day I forgot. Needing my help, should I care? Should I give him the chance to destroy me completely with hurt? Which it has the potential to do, at the prospect of letting him go again, after venting. He claimed it the ruin of us, that I sacrificed too much for him to bear, as if I was unable to deny him anything. Unable, no. Never unable to, simply unwilling to. A pattern that seems burned into me, huh?

Not a pattern I will ever regret or look ill upon. I need my breaks from time to time, yes. But I will give till I have no more to give, if that is what it takes for another person. I will not be changed from that.

I gave him 6 years of my life. Starting at scared, troubled, untrusting, he showed me the way to standing tall, proved you could trust some, and that loving someone didn't have to hurt all the time, or be specified to something locked in a box. And others have taught me different things since then, but had I not had him, they would never have gotten the chance to show me anything at all. I owe him everything for that.

So to the comment of "I won't blame you if you ignore me" it was a given for me to ask if he ever doubted I would answer. Even if I'll only be a temporary place to put some thoughts, I'll be there. In all honesty, I'm counting on him leaving again, afterwards. He couldn't accept my choice of lifestyle then, so I certainly don't think he would approve now. Given the details, he would most likely want to kill the Puppy. If he still cares, that is. I'm not even sure if it matters, he'll be gone again soon, better not to think too much about it.

We're in april, and it snowed earlier. I called the Bat to tell how fucked up my day had already been, the cat was even on the microwave earlier! He has never jumped up there before, to my knowledge. And days before he's leaving my ownership, I find him doing weird things. Seconds after we hung up, after agreeing that she'd come have pancakes with me and mom and the café, my Puppy calls, to mock me with the snow. Cause he knows how tired I became of it this winter, it was overkill on the weathergods' part. Though, I have grown a little more fond of it then I used to be. We had some really good moments with it this winter :)

Tonight, a bunch of us is going to Lal's place, welcoming Julie home from France. I haven't been very social lately, so I suppose I should look forward to it. I'll have the worrying in the back of my mind all day, though, if I don't hear anything from the squirrel before I leave. Funny, how a day in april can be so freaking odd. Next thing I know, I'll hear from the Lilac-person too.