In sickness and health

I'm coughing like a maniac. It's horrible, half my food is coming up, too, from coughing so hard. I had avoided the snotty nose, till a few days ago. Now that's trying to suffocate me during sleep. At least the fever is down, for now.

I left him alone for a few days. Keeping any communication to the absolute minimum and most needed things. I picked up the rest of my things. It was crazy hard, especially while being sick. Carrying heavy shit up and down from the 3rd floor really isn't fun when you have no air.

And then he called. In the middle of the night, and I was asleep. I woke up to the missed calls and texts. He missed me. He wanted to discuss the possibility of trying. Finding some way. We talked till the sun was up.

We agreed on some things. We'll be living apart. Most of the things we agreed on are what's best for us right now. Obviously, some things still have me worried. What if me going into therapy doesn't work? What if it only makes things worse? Where will that leave us? What about all the female friends? I realized I'm not worried he'll fall in with anyone, anymore. I know he won't. But I am worried my.. Anxiety, as I'm pretty sure it is I suffer from, will drive a wedge between us, that could have him developing feelings for someone else.

I'll probably do about a million more blogs on how happy it makes me he's willing to try again. And at least one on a recent outing and break-in.

Honestly, I don't know if it's anxiety or my personality that makes me worry about everything. It's been there to some extend for so long I haven't been able to see it. So obviously, I've considered it a personality trait. What if it's not? What the hell is that going to do to who I am, or think I am? Makes me want to punt a kitten, as Kev would say, to think about.

I helped Alex with an essay tonight. Just proof reading and slight editing, as usual. He was worried he wouldn't be able to make it by the midnight deadline, but to my surprise, he was done by 8.30 for me to take over. And so when he was done, he told me he was going to a party. I don't really know why it made me feel a little cheated. I want him to go, it's a release party for a summer scenario we're going to, and I'm too sick to go and soak up all the info, so he should definately go and do that, so he can tell me all about it. Obviously he should also go to have fun and release some steam and see our friends. I just wish he had told me he was working furiously so he could make it to the party after. Maybe it's just my eternal need for preperations and planning. I like to know what's going on.

This is where I'm pointing out that I know it's really irrational to feel cheated that he's going out. In reality I'm just disappointed I can't come. Well, I could, but then I sure as hell would be bedridden by tomorrow, and I'm not missing out on my Baltha family gathering or the bats birthday. I'm prioritizing that. And I'll probably see him on sunday, cleaning up the motorbike together.

I don't like being sick.

Done

My feet are killing me. But it's done, no more work for now. Though they talked about rehiring me very soon. I need the money, so I'm hardpressed to say no. But damn, I never want to do a kids event again. Children are horrible.

I haven't heard from him all weekend. Not since he stopped by friday and fled the premises. I'm still kinda sore about that. I've even decided to go to my doctors appointment alone tomorrow. I wanted to ask him, but after Friday and him ignoring my texts, I don't really think I want to see him.

The bitterness is really creeping up on me, by now. I've stopped being "just" sad and started feeling hurt. I feel less and less inclined to try and stay friends, just like I said would happen. It's pretty much unbearable to see him all happy and on his merry way, without me. Not that I'm not happy he's okay, but... yeah. I don't know how he can be.

I'm getting angry on top of it all.

Most of all.. I feel terrified. I'm losing him. Completely.

Waiting

I'm beyond exhausted. The job is really hard. Not difficult, it just takes so much out of me, mentally. Keeping an eye on up to 30 kids at once can be pretty draining, even if it's only for 4 hours at a time. Always keeping an eye out for scissors, glue, knocked over glitter, or anyone too young nearing the glue gun. It would be a breeze if it wasn't for the lack of sleep. I've dozed a few times today. But only 20 minutes or so. I still only sleep 4-6 hours. Mostly it's 4. Not so much 6.

I'm eating, at least. And I made a cheesecake today, to bring with me tomorrow for the girls. Sandie really wanted me to. She even made me a valentines card and promised to beat up anyone else bringing flowers to the workshop. Cause a guy brought his wife flowers right in front of me, and she could tell from the stiffness of my movements how much it bothered me.

I've lost some weight. Not a lot, and not in a good way. But I can see it. I don't look in the mirror beyond putting the contacts in and out. I'm not really in a mood to face what this is all doing to me. I see the circles under my eyes plenty.

I need to find the will and energy to organize my things, so I can pick up the rest of it all, from him. I have neither. I just want to curl up in his arms and have everything be okay. And to tell him sorry. To make it better.

It's all been horrible today. I've felt like a giant bubble was around me. Kinda cutting me off from the world, and feeling all heavy on me. Making it hard to move or feel or breathe. Like the world is very far away, and yet pushing at me like crazy. Trying to squeeze the life out of me. The remaining life. Suffocating. It's been very cold.

I hear him when it's quiet. It's just memories and wishing, I know, my mind wanting him there so badly it pretends. I hear his laughter, his chattering, his breathing. I hear the floor give, the rattling of glass like he's doing that uneasy, restless thing with his leg. I hear his snoring and his declarations of love whispered in my hair when I try to sleep.

I keep having that feeling he'll call any minute now, telling me to come home. So I keep waiting. Feeling restless he's taking so long. Feeling stressed that I can't do something, cause it'd be interrupted really soon. Feeling like I should get going already. Feeling it useless to unpack. Feeling homesick, him being home. Feeling it stupid to even plan for getting the rest of my things. Or get fresh flowers, to replace the smell of rot. Cause I'll be going home any moment.

Right?

Rot

Why can't he just be the kind of guy who drunk-calls me cause he misses me? Or shows up unexpected cause he can't stay away? Or cause the lights are on. Or am I just not the kind of girl you do that with?

I don't get the flowers. They were free, cause the flowerist didn't want to bring them with him. Cause they're almost dead. I'm worth dead, unsellable flowers..

Why even bring them? Why try to do something for me on valentines, if it's not to be seen as a romantic gesture? It's like he wanted to do something for me, but had to downgrade it, so I wouldn't put anything into it. So why even do it?

He brought me purple flowers on a crappy day. They even have the color of lilacs, my favorites. If it had been raining, it would fit my description of a true romantic gesture.

It's confusing. I love the gesture, I just don't understand it. I wish he would be around. I wish I was surrounded by his smell in stead of the smell of dying flowers..

And I keep hearing lyrics in my head.

"I've waited a hundred years.
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for
What the privilege of being yours would do.

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch,
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush,
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough,
I would have known what I was living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Your love is my turning page,
Where only the sweetest words remain.
Every kiss is a cursive line,
Every touch is a redefining phrase.

I surrender who I've been for who you are,
For nothing makes me stronger than, your fragile heart.
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
Well, I would have known what I've been living for all along.
What I've been living for.

Though we're tethered to the story we must tell,
When I saw you, well, I knew we'd tell it well.
With a whisper, we will tame the vicious seas.
Like a feather bringing kingdoms to their knees."

Happy shittytimes day.

That was the weirdest and most akward visit ever. He came by to drop off the money he owed me, which is perfect, if I'm supposed to bring cake for the girls on sunday. He brought my favorite sandwich. And flowers. They'd been giving them away, apparently. It was very sweet, really.

But it was like he couldn't get out of here fast enough. He offered to go to the doctor with me, and I appreciate that, but I really don't like that I'm apparently that horrible to be near, now. Maybe he was just afraid something would happen if he didn't go. Maybe he has somewhere to be tonight.

I'm gonna go back to my book and X-factor. And my sandwich. And hope that this day will just be overwith as fast as possible.

I hate this day. At least I got to see him for a few minutes..

Shaky facade

I've been really down today. I haven't been able to keep up the mask. I've been stiff and unsmiling, and the kids didn't talk to me much. I diverted to folding and cutting and dipping, getting ahead on materials. That way I kept busy. I want to hug him and tell him he's okay. Cause he actually has a chance to escape this. At the same time, he's right. I feel disappointed and abandoned because he can't be there for me, the way I was for him. Maybe I'm stronger, when I have to be for others, than he is. Maybe he's stronger for himself. I don't know what that makes us. I'm not sure I care.

Maybe he's healthier. For not giving everything he has, like I did. Maybe it's just our different drives. I find it easier to push myself for others than for myself. Maybe I've done it too much. Or maybe I don't have anyone to do that for, right now.

It's making me feel like crap. This mean, foul part of me, that thinks he owes me to stay with me through this. This sick, twisted person in my head, thinking that if he won't be there when I'm at my worst, the heaviest dark I've had to get through, then he doesn't have the right, or deserve, to be there when I get better. It pokes at me. No, it rips. "Will it always be like this? No one wants to face the hard work, they just want to reap the benefits. No one will ever care enough to there when I need them to."

The negative thoughts again. But they keep getting confirmed, and that makes it so much harder to think of them as untrue.

Cause I know logically that he's protecting himself. And that makes sense. But sense is not a factor that actually makes a difference to me, right now. It's all emotion. And my emotions are telling me he should be here. That I need him to get stronger, and to make him stronger. To make us stronger. My heart is telling me this is our ground zero. That this is where we could give it the real go and build our future. The start of the rest of our lifes.

I miss him so much. When I had to get on the metro today, I so wanted to get on the one towards the airport. I felt like I was choking, keeping back the tears and sobs. My heart was pounding in my ears and chest, and my hands felt all tingly. Like I wasn't getting any oxygen.

Tomorrow is valentines. I'm barricading myself. I dreamt he showed up with flowers and rain in his hair, just wanting to be back with me.. I dreamt how happy I was, and I dreamt vowing to myself that I'd make it my top priority to get better and to show him every day how much I love him. I wish that would happen. But that never happens.

I really need to figure out how to unsync our calenders. I don't want to see where he's going or with who. It kills me. I wish he'd at least aim outside the people we both see on a regular basis. Cause I'm starting to doubt I'll ever want to show up at any roleplay event ever again.

I want this job to be overwith so I can go back to being a zombie.

Exhausted with everything

I had wine today. And talked to some people at the bar. It was nice to talk geek for a bit. I made plans to see my sister next week, for cake, and to hang out with a friend I haven't seen for months. I'm kinda being overrun by guys who've spotted I'm single again, and I'm not in the mood for it. But this one, I'm more comfortable with. There are very few guys around, that I'd have faith in to not only offer cause they're sniffing around for left-overs, and he's one of the few. And he could use someone to talk to as well, so win/win, right?

I miss talking to Kev, honestly. I miss the days when I could just call him up and talk about nothing in particular. It always cheered me up to hear about his day, and, well. Just hearing his voice, really. It's still nice to see him with the kids on FB, but part of me still thinks I should be around and at least know them. My best friend's kids, little mini-Kevins. It's so weird. I hope I'll get to meet them some day. Their dad too, obviously. The point was that I've really wanted to call him these past.. 12 days. Just to hear him tell me hi and that things will be okay. Because they always turned out okay when he said it.

I still sleep like crap. Food is.. a challenge. The pain is still very real, and my mom said to me that it's nice that I'm no longer a zombie. I'm not sure I agree. Cause what I'm doing right now is a mask. It's yet another layer of defense, that's only designed to keep people from asking or finding out how I really feel. And isn't that exactly the problem? At least the zombie is honest. Real. I let the mask down when Alex was here, cause he deserves that much, even if it hurts us both. I really think it would hurt him more if I tried to fake being okay in front of him, than it does for him to know the truth. But I can't stand the reactions from other people.

I terrified about talking to my doctor on monday. Terrified. I want him with me. But I don't want to ask. Mom is going with me, but I'm not sure I can really put into words, with her there, what's going on. And he knows the problem so much better than mom does. He's lived with me through it. Just thinking about having to sit there and tell a doctor I don't like, that my head is broken and I just lost the guy I love over it, makes me want to jump off the balcony. But I don't know how else to find a kind of therapy that will help me think more positively. I don't want my life to be all the negatives first. But that's how I'm wired. Will I even still be me, if I'm rewired? It scares me.

I'm supposed to try and sleep a bit. Going back to the event tomorrow, and I should be just a bit awake for it. So that's that. At least I have money coming in next month. I've decided to check up on that job offer I got, and try and push for it a bit. If I get it, I'm not going back to school till the fall, and it'll only be part-time. I need to fix some things in myself before straining more than that.

The worst thing about sleeping is that I dream of him all the time. Last night it was us going to someplace in Norway, watching the Northern Lights. We were all clad in furs and skins, and riding dog sleds. It was a really cool dream. But I was disappointed beyond words to wake up.

I don't do the whole valentines thing, but I still got upset earlier, cause someone at the bar was talking about getting flowers. A few years back, he got me Bodil for the day before valentines. That makes it her birthday tomorrow. I know it's just an elephant, but it was a really romantic gesture. We were supposed to spend the day together, mocking the clichés..

I really do hate my life right now.

Skin on skin

He was over today. He's kinda broke, and asked if I could help, so I did. He'll pay me back when his payment comes through. I can't really say no to him.

He was so lonely, and I can't stand to see him sad, and of course it ended up.. Yeah. For an hour, I actually felt happy. I was shaking just from him letting me kiss him. In a way, I think I needed it more than he did. To smell him, touch him.. To feel that at least some part of him still wants me.

I knew it would hurt. I know it doesn't mean the same to him. And I don't want him to feel guilty, cause I could have stopped, too. He held me, after. And that meant more to me than anything else.. Even if it isn't the same comfort to him. I could finally relax, just a bit.

And then he had to leave.. He could tell something was way off. I was spending every bit of self control in me, keeping myself from begging, holding him back, pleading.. Yet, when he closed the door, the sobbing took over again. Mind numbing pain. And again, I ran to the door, calling for him through it. I stood there for quite a while, head against the door, crying for him to come back and stay with me. To please not disappear. To love me..

My head hurts and I'm throwing up again. My stomache hurts, too. I wish he would just come back. And now I just hate everything. Hate myself, hate my feelings, hate my body, hate the stupid elephant. Hate life.

Why doesn't he want me? Why can't he just... Why can't he see that this is our chance to build something solid, in stead of all the shaky crap we've been trying at forever? Cause I can. And I'm the blind one.

I still just want him and nothing else.

I ate some today. Both morning and evening. It wasn't much, but.. Well.

I'm trying to make a list of foods. I've decided to go pescetarian for a while. Try it out. I was considering going all the way, vegetarian. But I need to do more research on protein if I do that. I want to start running again. I really want that. To just.. move, and not have to think of anything but my feet and my breathing.

I made an appointment for next monday with the doctor. Gotta find therapy.

I'm still... absolutely heartbroken. I have this big, hollow, throbbing place in my chest and stomach, and nothing seems to fill it. Or even come close. He was here yesterday, and for ten minutes, I got to lay my head over his heart and just listen. And it made me feel all the things it always has. Safe. Happy. Like I belong. Like I was home. And then it hurt, cause I knew he would go away again.

When he left, I sat screaming on the floor. Hopefully he didn't hear that.. He porbably already had his headphones on. I don't think I've ever been on my knees, face to the carpet, screaming for someone to please come back. To please stay.

He promised me he won't abandon me, but.. I already feel abandoned. I know he keeps busy cause it's hard for him too, but I don't understand how he's even breathing without trouble.. Like I didn't mean that much, after all. Or maybe he just really wanted this? How is he not crippled? How can he not feel like his soulmate is missing?

And it's so.. hurtful. I know he has to think of himself, too. But it feels like I'm only worth it when I'm perfect. When I'm happy and healthy. And when I'm not, I'm... replaceable.

I need to pick up some more stuff tomorrow.. It will be horrible. I'm going to need to find the willpower to leave again. Not sure I can. He needs to leave in the afternoon, but.. I don't even know if it would be easier if he was there or not when I had to go. I'll be heartbroken no matter what.

He's getting the couch when mom buys a new one.. I hate that. The memories we made and would make on this... It has the perfect size for us both to fit, me cradled to him. I loved laying like that. And when he gets it.. He'll probably lay like that with someone else. And memories that should be ours, will be someone elses, and I don't want to resent him for it, but even the thought...
I was the one who loved that couch. I was the one who insisted we got it from Esben and Liisi when they offered. I was the one who was sure we could make room. And I was the one who slept on it when I didn't have a bed here, last time. Who took comfort in at least having this one thing to remind me of the good times.

I hate to see it.. dilluted, poluted, insulted.. It's not like the bed. I gave him that bed. It was a gift when he needed one. The couch we got together. It was ours. I don't want anyone else to have memories with it, but he and I. And I've loved this thing from day one. It's like giving up my cat all over again...

I've slept with Bodil since I got here. I'm sure someone would point out how unhealthy this all is. Sleeping on our couch, with the pillow he got for christmas and I stole, wearing his old t-shirt and clutching the elephant he gave me.. But I don't really care. They're things that remind me of him. The t-shirt is even one he wanted to throw out.. It has paint spots on it, from when we painted his apartment. But I've been wearing it to bed so often this past year, that I saved it from the pile of things to go. It's soft, and its colour is one of my favorites on him. And it feels normal to wear it. Like he's just finishing up something before joining me in bed.

It's really difficult to eat.. I'm so tense, and I almost throw up every time I sob. I'm sore and tired from it.. My head hurts so bad. He held my hand yesterday, when he forced me to go get food, and I was shaking so much I could barely open the door when we got back.. My body just finally relaxed for a bit, when he was there. When he was touching me.

I don't know how this will all affect my eating habits further on.. They're kinda fragile. I don't need for it to be more complicated.

I need him so much.. I want him here. And I love him so, so much.

Desperate regret

I couldn't hold back. I hate myself for it, I'm making him hurt. I deleted it 5 times before I couldn't anymore.

I'm praying. I'm having out loud conversations with God, pleading with him to let me fix this. Because right now, I'm not sure I'm gonna make it to saturday. Let alone after picking the rest of my things up. I can't even eat, how am I going to pack my belongings and leave the man I love behind? Knowing it was a mistake and it all went too fast. I don't even know how it happened.

I needed to hit rock bottom to know I needed help. I get that. But I hit rock bottom 4 days ago. If I sink any further, the kitchen knife is going to start looking inviting. And I absolutely can't do that to him. To my family. To anyone. Which leaves me with this.. existance. This excuse of a shell who walks around looking at these fleshy blobs at the end of her arms, and ask herself why she didn't just put them around him. Who is constantly reminded by her mistakes by the pounding in her head, from tears and regret and thoughts of why apologizing is so hard for her.

But I can't be around like that. I can't walk around like a lifeless doll. I'd rather not walk at all, than that.

I've never been this unhappy in my life.

Alcohol. That's a kind of medicine, too. Still haven't really eaten anything, so it doesn't take much. I'm trying hard to distract myself. I've started watching Matador, now. It's not helping, either.

I think I've had 12 hours of sleep since friday.. And I've spent a good while staring at walls.

I got hired for the event from saturday. So I guess I'll have to put together a mask by then. Something resembling a human. And I kinda got offered a real job, too. It's not official yet, but I'll hear back soon. It's double my students income, so it's very tempting. 8-14, 5 days a week. If they offer it, I'm taking it. I don't know about school... It seems unrealistic that I'll ever get anywhere. Why would I, I'm just the daughter of the working class. No one ever got to college level in my family, why would I? What are the odds, even. Maybe I can do evening school after a while. But let's see. It still seems unlikely I'll get it.

It would fix any money issue I might have. Even at minimum wage I'd have paid everything I owe anyone within 6 months. Including righting my balance in the bank. In a year I'd be able to pay my license myself. And be able to put money aside for a deposit. Or whatever. And that's if I don't take whatever tax return I'll get, into consideration.

And it would mean I could come home and not have to worry about homework or other stuff. I could just.. Clean up a bit, and nurse some hobbies. And get my head straight. If I was frugal I could afford therapy myself. Or maybe just push the license and do therapy in stead. But it does seem pointless.

Whatever.. That was the plans of the whole life-thing I was trying to have. Now I'm down to just exsisting. And I honestly don't care to change it. I'm just sitting here, waiting and hoping he'll call or write or show up. Like I'm just here for the weekend and he'll call at any moment and say the guys went home, and that he's missed me. Asking when I'll come home.

I don't understand how he thinks that I was the one to break up, when I didn't want to. I just wanted to clear my head and give him some space... To figure out what the hell was going on. I was just.. He told me he'd rather I slept at the old apartment. And I felt overwhelmed, cause I felt I had tried. And suddenly it had happened, and I didn't want this. But he must have.. Cause now he's the one who doesn't want me. Who doesn't love me...

I want to die.

So this is what giving up feels like..

I drank a bit. Enough to stop the shaking and the throwing up. I ordered food, but I think I ate 5 bites before tossing it. I just.. Don't need it. I only need him.

I picked up some things earlier. I've barely left the couch since. I hated it. I wanted to run to him. I wanted to lay in bed and refuse to leave. To just.. melt into the mattress and stay there. I'd at least be near him at night. But I didn't. It would hurt him. So I didn't say anything. I didn't touch him, I didn't even look at him.. Cause I would have broken even more.

I can't sleep for long. 4 hours, is the longest. I wake up crying, missing him...

I'm trying to not think. I've watched all five Twilight movies since I got home yesterday. I watched Big Bang Theory and X-factor and Familien fra Bryggen. Now I'm watching Super Bowl.. Alone. No one is mocking me for siding with Broncos. And they even had a really bad start.

Everyone are writing me. Asking, wishing well... I don't want to talk to them. To anyone. I just want to disappear. To lay on this couch and remember how it was just perfect for cuddling. Pretend I'm nestled in his nook, scorching hot... I wouldn't even mind him breathing on my face.

I feel like I'm dying. Torn open, my heart removed, freezing, starving, thirsting, insomnious and bleeding out. And I don't care. It's unimportant. What does it all matter anyway. He's probably relieved I'm gone. That he doesn't have to care anymore.. That he's finally free from me. Free to be happy and make a mess with no one to get stressed out about it. Free to be single and do all that stuff that is sure to break my heart even more, at some point. If that's possible.. It already feels replaced with nothingness.

I can't even see the point of therapy if it's not for him. I don't give a crap about regaining my footing, for me. Why even go, then? Why not just.. Finally take myself out of everyones equations. Just isolate myself till they all go away. Till they stop trying and leave me to my mind. So tempting.

To just fade away with the tears.

Too much.

I had no idea I could go this long without feeling hungry. By the time I'm done writing this, I won't have eaten for 24 hours. I'm just.. not hungry. Not thirsty. Haven't had a drop of water since I got home from the birthday. 18 hours. It's not healthy. But it just doesn't matter. The only thing I feel a need for is him. For him to tell me he'll go to therapy with me, and that we're not broken. I want to be his friend, if nothing else, but I honestly don't think I can. It's already painful. I'm going to lose him. I've lost him.

This is all too much. Losing him is that last drop that's gonna make me come undone. I can feel the seams, ripping. Tearing. And he's not here. Cause my fucking stupid brain couldn't just let me tell him I give a damn. That it's me who's broken.

I don't want to talk to anyone.

I can't do this. I can't be without him.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word...

It's been a year since I last used this thing... I shouldn't be writing now. Really not.

Honestly? I didn't want to break up. I wanted to suggest a break, and to see that couples councelling/therapist I found. Living apart for a while.

I'm trying so hard to put into words what my throat constricts and denies me to utter. The thoughts. I guess it feels kinda like with how I explain his medicine. There's a hole in the road. And when he takes the medicine, it's filled, so drivers have a smoother trip. It feels like there's a hole in me. And that all I have for filling it is all these negative thoughts. The happy ones just.. kinda floats on top. So when you try to drive over it, it bumps up in stead, cause it's too full. There's so many worries and annoyances and angers and hurts in me, that they take up all the space. And I'm left with this.. inability to see the world as anything else than negative. Including him and everything he does.

It doesn't mean I don't love him. Or that I don't want him or need him. Or that I don't want to be that perfect person in his life... Cause I fucking do. I want that so much it makes me want to off myself when I fail. I want to be that girl who held his hand and steered him out of the crowd when he couldn't handle it, again.

I shouldn't have gone back to him last time. And I was too apart to explain to him why. I shouldn't have gone back to him, with a mind so broken, and too much fright and confusion to realise that I can't handle this on my own. But I wasn't there yet. I couldn't believe in it when he was the one to point out all the flaws. But at the same time... I don't know if I can do it without him.

But I'm tearing him apart, aren't I? Because I don't know how to build him up anymore. Or build myself up, for that matter. I know I'm the problem. And I've wanted to fix it for so long, but I haven't known where to begin.. I do, now... Now that it's too late.

I have been unhappy for a long time, yes. But I haven't had a single moment of true, unaltered happiness, without him, either. I just want him to be happy... So I guess it's idiotic to be crippled by knowing who he's with, right now. Less than a day... Sometimes, it really sucks when everything lives up to what you expected. Cause it can hurt like hell no matter if you do.

I just want to hold him.