"Please." Heh..

"Not yet, or you'll get a punishment of whole new dimensions!"

!!! Contains Dirt !!!

Yup, run while you can, this will be that kind of blog. So if you're, say, weak of heart, a nun, or my brother, you might wanna skip this. Consider yourself warned.



It might actually be the best sex I've had so far. Which truly just proves how much of a kinky little bitch I am. Oh yes, I said it. Not that many people who knows me, would think I'm submissive. Well. A selected few, maybe. But finding emotional release in pain, and taking the kind of words into my mouth as I do, when told to beg? I really doubt anyone but he would see it coming. Heh, who the hell would even think I'd ever beg?!
But humiliation is part of the game. And you humiliate yourself voluntarily, when you beg. I could refuse, and take the punishment. But if you want something bad enough.. ^.^

I was burning to begin with. Laying almost naked against someone, being warmed and caressed and played with, does that to you. The punishment for talking back and then jumping to answer incorrectly, only increased the heat. In some areas more then others. But good girls say sorry and thank you, and does it throrougly. A good girl pleases her master, in any way he sees fit. And sometimes, if she does real good, and asks nicely, she gets rewarded.

Rewards don't come without a little taunting, though. Like being ordered to hold back, till given permission to let go. With threats of punishments worse then ever before, if I didn't contain myself. Which was made even harder by the commanding whispers, because the mere tone of his voice adds to my lack of control. When the permission was finally given, I thought I would pass out from bliss. I think I screamed a little, but I was no-where near aware enough to really know for sure. I know I was gasping when I came back to reality. I know I was too dizzy to realize when it happened, but at some point I was shifted into a different position. Probably for better control of my body when I'd thrash and kick again. Cause I was held back again. Commanded to. And again it's fuzzy at the edges, but I think I begged all on my own that time. "'Please' is a good word."

He could have asked anything of me, right then and there. By the time it ebbed out, I was begging for something else, that I was not granted. I did not deserve it, I was told, and though I could have pleaded more, I was not unhappy to finish it the way it started. I'm never unhappy to do that. On the contrary. It's the feel, the scent, the taste, but most of all, the sound. Hearing his pleasure is what I strive after, my goal. It has a scaringly strong effect on me.

I was lightheaded, and my legs were shaking, after. And the request to open a window was already on my mind by the time he asked. And turning back towards the bed, seeing the mess his hair had become, and how his half-discarded clothes were positioned, was priceless. I think I do regret not getting the camera, hun ^.^
I'm gonna vote for doing the massage thing more often. Perhaps also when I'm not shaking like a leaf, and have absolutely no musclepower left XD


Mmm, a road I definitely want to go down more often. Not to say constantly.

P.S.

And I should, by the way, write more poems.

"This place is wild, untamed and free, and here my heartache lies
A cold, secluded spot in which the loving memory dies
In stead a hatred starts to grow, so cruel and uncontrolled
It boils and bursts, and it wants out, but I must learn to hold"

Taken out of one of my favorite pieces. Completely unrelated, yet so fitting.

I ask you not to ease my burden, but to strengthen my back so I might carry it better.

It seems like I'll be setting a record in blogging, this month. At least if I keep up this pace. But I haven't really felt like talking to actual people, about the things that bother me, lately, and so it goes out here.

I can feel myself growing mentally exhausted. Some days I just want to sit down and laugh and cry, at how ridiculously funny it all is. Actually, no, the crying is coming out plenty, at the most annoying and unfortunate times. The laughing, I could use more of. I'm doing too damn much. Why the hell is it always the spring that tears at me?

With so many people around me, feeling much crappier then me, my attempts to juggle support and respect for their privacy, not to mention enough critisism to know when it's "just another one of those days" and when it's the real deal, I can barely focus anymore. And I need to. I need to call the damn student counceling and get an interview. I need to apply for a job at that amusement park. I need to get my cat replaced. I need to get a hold of my doctor, and get an appointment. And I have another dentistvisit next week. Going in to get my vision tested later today.

You know when you were a kid, before you learned how to swim, and you had to wear a corkbelt and those blow-up-arm-thingys? And you were barely floating at the surface, but you trusted the damn things to keep you up? They were just air. How dependable is air, really? I feel like air is all that's holding me up, these days.

I'm not made for this lack of structure. My to-do list is getting so long I can't see the end of it, and my want-to-do list, I don't have that much energy left for. Mental energy, that is.

I had cleaning, laundry, groceryshopping, dishes and cooking planned, yesterday. I got some laundry done. I didn't do dishes, and the cleaning got so limited I might as well not have bothered at all. I'm proud I dragged myself to the store, and that I even ate anything. My kitchen is a mess, which I'm hating fiercely. I have at least 4 machines of laundry left. I'm going to change sheets in a minute, before I go to bed, and I'm hoping to get some vacuuming done tomorrow before the visiontest thing. I'll most likely be spending the rest of the day with my brother, which I'm really looking forward to. Just hanging out, doing nothing in particular, talking like only siblings know how to.

I should really throw the carcass of that orchid out, by the way.

And one thing I'm really hating atm, is the amount of drama finding it's way into my life. And I who thought I had weeded out a bit. The way people act and talk around me, is more and more often making me want to walk away from all the idiocy. I really fucking need to start studying. To get out amongst intelligent people, whom I don't have to relate to on a deeper level. People who can remind me of where the hell I placed my above-average-IQ, so I can relocate it. Find more people who can actually argue their case, without having to raise their voice in order to win.

I'm tired of people being loud. Of them not listening when I have something to say. Of people ignoring me, as if I'm not even there, when I try to speak up and say something that's actually on a level of intelligence that is my brain worthy. I'm just fine, not being the star of the show, you learn being fine with that, having friends who craves it. But I don't like being invisible.

So when I do step out of the shadows, and take my moment in the spotlight, it really angers me to be trampled down. It's rude.

However. Should I be pointing at the teammates which legs make me trip? Or should I learn to jump over them? And how many people will I knock down if I do?

The past.. It sneaks up on you like a fucking ninja sometimes.

I'm not entirely myself. The whole.. biological-father-contacting-me, sorta left me with some blankness. A drained tub, was how I worded it to the bat. I'm better, but I still have to work like a maniac at keeping Selfdestructive-Lunatic-Angel in check.

I had anticipated it. The moment his name started appearing on facebook, I knew it would happen. Cause if he was popping up all over my site, I would be at his as well. And naturally, he gave it a shot. Normally, with people, I won't blame anyone for trying anything. Everything is worth to at least make an honest attempt at, if you really want it. I have to say that way of thinking was challenged, though. I did blame him a little for contacting me. For daring to.

I got a long, intricate message, with an absolute lack of grammar that made it almost impossible to read, full of excuses, explanations and "I should never"'s. Sappy tales of his childhood, and how he was never the kind to stay at one place for too long. Well la-di-fucking-da, let's be a family again! Cause that makes it okay!

Come on. No, really. How is hinting at my mom being at fault, going to help anything? She wasn't the perfect parent, she had crap to deal with too, but at least she was there. Gave me a roof over my head, food in the fridge, and toys to stay busy with.

I don't care how you met each other, or why you got together in the first place. I don't care why you split up. I care about two very specific facts.

1. You chose to have me. It's usually considered wise to think that through. You're pretty much obligated to stick around the kid till they're old enough to want you gone.

2. You split. Things got too hard, and you upped and left. No letters, no phonecalls, not even a birthdaycard, or a greeting through my sister. You abandoned me completely.

Those are the only two things I need to concern myself with, in this. I was innocent, I didn't choose to exsist. You chose it, you and mom. And she held up her end of the bargain. She may be a pain more often then I care to get myself worked up about anymore, but she's here.

You cannot leave, ignore all attempts at contact for years, till one day you wake up and decide "Oh, that other daughter I have! Maybe I should text her and leave it up to her again, after all, she's 16 now, it has to be easier by now!" I didn't want it then, and I don't want your pityful excuses now. "Oh, but I had such a horrible childhood, it's not my fault I couldn't pick up the phone every now and then!" My childhood wasn't fucking roses either, but you don't see me using that as an excuse. It may have an effect on how I am and act, yes, but I do not excuse myself with it. As a matter of fact, to everyone who reads this: If I ever attempt to do that, kindly slap me, and make sure it's worth your while. Do spare my glasses though, they're freaking expensive.

You know what's interesting? A simple "I'm sorry. I fucked up, and I know I ruined you." might have gotten you a positive result 4 years ago. Now? It's simple too little, too late.

Ode to Lilacs? Aka: Insomnia pt... I lost count.

I got off work 4 hours ago. Still not sleeping. My neck is bothering me. I'm contemplative. And of all the damn things in the world I could be thinking of, lilacs are stuck in my head. It's the spring; flowers are starting to shoot up here and there, and my mind goes strictly to that one. I miss it.

I don't even remember who or what I was talking to and about, when the damn flower came up, though, I just remember having mentioned it. My favorite flower, because I have to be difficult and love a flower that only blooms a few months a year, and grows on a bush. But the smell of the light purple lilac, is simply irressistable to me. And so I love them. I wonder if you could get lilac scented oil.

I even remember when I started favourizing them. The daycare center I went to as a kid had a huge lilacbush beside the pool, and we used to use the narrow space in between to play trolls or elves, or house, if the imagination lacked. A little shaded grove-like area, shielded from one side by the wall of the raised pool, and on the other by the blooming lilacs. And the smell engulfed you completely. We used to pick the tiny flowers off the stalk, and suck the nectar out of them. The summer version of catching snowflakes on your tongue, to me.

My grandparents have one in their garden. Right beside the gate, so it greets you whenever you come to visit. I think I was about 8 or 9, when they cut it all the way down, to maintain it, and I was heartbroken. Took 2 years for it to grow back.

And yes, I actually have a point in talking about a stupid flower. Because despite the fact that it involves a person I no longer talk to, a person I decided I could no longer overcome having in my life, the flower makes me think of him. Last summer, maybe a month before our initial disagreement, we walked home from a fair. Well, we walked to my grandparents, we were having dinner with them. And I remember him moaning and bitching about how far it was XD It was really only a few miles, but I get how it felt longer after having walked around at the fair for hours previous to that. The walk back doesn't seem long to me, cause I've walked it, or been on a bike, hundreds of times before.

But on the way, we passed a bush of lilacs. And I simply had to pick one, except there was a deep and steep ditch between me and it. And most people would have rolled their eyes and walked on or mocked me to death when I fell in the ditch in my attempt to pick one, but this friend decided I should have the damn flower if I wanted it that bad. So I got to use him for support, so I could lean into open space, and reach it. I got my flower.

I miss that part of him. I miss days like that. Running from one pile of scrapmetal to another, to find old tools with a minimum of rust and damage. Rain that won't decide if it wants to make an effort or not, and finally passing the torch on to the sun, the second we decide on leaving. Shrieking of joy from the discovery of an ancient cartoon on dvd, that no one had seen in years. Eating way too much brightly coloured candy on the way home, talking sarcastically about our future together. How we'd have that farm right across the street, so he could get his pigs and a smithery in the barn, while I'd have a horse and a cow, and grow fruits and vegetables in the garden. Me having to stop in a fit of giggles at the mentioning of him ever doing groceryshopping, due to the fact that buying 4 things would take him an hour, and I'm a very impatient person.

I barely remember how we got into that conversation, but I think it had to do with me being the perfect housewife, in his opinion. He used to have 3 reasons for that, but I honestly only remember two. One was I'm perfect to share a bed with, due to the fact that I roll off and find a corner to take up, and I'm quiet when I sleep. Another being that I think bacon improves just about everything. Oh! I remember the third one! I can cook roast pork! Yeah, that was the joke, "I'll just wrap it up in bacon, cook it, and go sleep in the corner afterwards!"

It was funny as all hell. Even picking out each others flaws, and attempting to come up with good reasons as to why we would be the worst couple ever. But I think the arguments that followed during the summer and fall, pretty much proved my point in that XD

I'll probably always find the thought of him a little annoying, despite the fact that he meant a lot, and had a huge impact on me learning to trust people a little easier. He'll always be a first in many aspects. Positive as well as negative. And apparently he'll be stuck in my mind at the thought of lilacs. Which I guess I can live with, he deserves to be remembered, even if everything went horribly wrong at the end.

A health, a health, my kingdom for a health!

Okay, so two blogs on one night might seem over the top. Whatever, it's my blog, I'll write as often as I want, or not at all. I can't sleep. I am tired, more then I have been in a long time, due to the fact that I slept maybe an hour, all in all, last night. And I did get a nap at the grandparent's earlier, but 5 hours of sleep is not a lot to go on, for 2 days. I yawn so much I can barely see the damn screen.

It's cold. And quiet. And I'm sneezing. Not to mention the cat is poking me every five minutes. I'm annoyed at being tired, and I'm tired of being annoyed. Generally, lately, annoyance has been too easily provoked in me. Actually, everything has been easily provoked in me. Anger, annoyance, defensiveness, sadness, bitterness. All the negatives. And I don't seem to be able to control them very well. I snap at people all the time, I know I'm unreasonable while doing it, yet I can't seem to stop it. I can barely sit through the weekly visit with the grandparents. One minute I want to bite my grandmother's head off for constantly saying things that makes me feel like a 5-year old, and the next I want to smack my granddad for trying to be funny with the same jokes I've heard thousands of times, things that stopped being funny when I actually WAS 5.

I get annoyed by the constant offerings.

"I can get this for you?" No, that's okay, I'll do it myself.
"Do you want that?" If I do, I'll say so.
"We have cookies in the cabinet?" Not in the mood.
"Oh, if you don't want that we have.." Oh just shut up already!

I know where the fridge is and that I have free access, I can get my own glass from the cabinet, I can open the window on my own, I know where the towels are!

And the endless discussions! About things completely irrelevant. Who the hell cares if the bakery used to be a hatstore 60 years ago, it's not anymore, what the hell do you need the info for?! And why does it have to be discussed so loudly?! Who's life depends on it, since a disagreement makes you scream your lungs out at eachother? You're adding to my freaking headache! Sit down, shut up, discuss it like adults and stop fucking yelling already! And saying "no!" 5 times because you disagree, will NOT make you right. Try an argument. Try reasoning better then "I saw it on tv!" TV is not always right. Humans make it; It's flawed.

Ah. Acid relieved a bit. What I actually wanted to say was that I get too worked up over little insignificant things. And I'm starting to think I might want to stop by my physician. The government does not pay the poor guy enough, for how often I bother him. But I'm going to have to ask for some more bloodwork. I could be mistaken, but I think my hormones are way off. And if I'm right, I'll be needing different meds.

Could be I'm stressed. You know, in that unaware way the doctors are so fond of. But my mood is untrustworthy, I'm losing weight despite eating more regularly then I have in a very long time and moving less then usual, I am constantly tired, and I wake up constantly during the night. I've always been a light sleeper, and though it has helped, lately, to sleep next to someone, I can feel a difference. When I wake up, even after having been in bed for 12 hours, I'm still tired, and have to force myself to get up and do something, to get going. A couple of days ago I even got a nosebleed, out of nowhere. Now that has been awhile.

Ew. My hips and collarbone are actually starting to show. Usually, when I wear a skirt or run around in underwear, my thighs will touch eachother. They don't, anymore. I'm down to a weight that I haven't been at since I was 12. And that's about 4 inches in height ago. I am 2 lbs, 1 kg, from my minimum weight. I'm hating this.

Care too much, destroy too much?

Ugh.. My mind is fuzzy. I hate consequences. They really fucking suck. But you make a decision, and then you just have to deal with what happens. Though I'm mad at myself for allowing something to happen, that I knew would not turn out pretty. I felt it would turn out bad, in one way or another. And ignored it. Way to go, hon, overriding your better judgement, when it wasn't just about how you would feel afterwards. Good. Fucking. God.

Idiotic thing is, it's not what actually took place I feel crappy about. It clarified my preferences, to say something positive. Humiliation and akwardness I'll get over, doesn't really bother me all that much. Boundaries are relative, and though mine were somewhat overstepped, I was really the one walking; I could just have turned around.

What I don't like about it is how it affected him. Because if there's one thing that pains me, it's affecting him negatively. I hate it beyond what I can express with words. Like I've always hated affecting people, my people, the people I love and care way too much about, negatively. And I know I do that, care too much. Protect too much, give too much, worry too much, forgive too much. But it's how I am. Even if I changed it in action, it would always be there in my thoughts and heart.

I see more then I let people know. The pain around me, the anger, the sadness, frustrations. I feel it's unnecessary to always let people know I'm aware, though. It often makes people feel raw, exposed, even violated. And there's no reason to push anyone, no right to. I've learned that. But is it odd that I don't mind sharing the pain? That it makes me understand a little bit better? Though it probably isn't doing anything good. For anyone.

Sometimes I really feel like it might be better to take myself out of all the equations, and just dig myself a nice little hole somewhere, you know?

Definitely a day of sighs..

I wrote a blog, but then I eated it. No, really, I did write it, but then I saved it where only I can read it. It's very negative, and I have been just that for most of last night, and actually still am. Downright furious at people's blindness, to be honest. There will be hurt and misery, I've said it, now wait and watch me be right. Again.

The thing, guys, is that I am very tired of being right. I'm tired of being the only one who does not think with my genitals, or consider a little brainactivity healthy. I'll leave the "told you so" here, then you can just go ahead and pick it up whenever you're good and ready, and all the crap comes around.

On lighter notes. The world is still shrinking. I had the pleasure of meeting a girl I have heard way too much about, from a previous friend. He had a crush on her, and an intense fascination with her hair. Granted, she IS incredibly beautiful, and even more so in real life. And a really charming person, too. It's just odd, that she is friends with's A's roomie (and him too, for that matter), when I've heard so much about her in a completely different circle of people. Then again, the Copenhagen alternative environment is limited in size. Sooner or later, the circle closes in around you. Everyone knows everyone in this damned city.

My head is throbbing. The landlord's caralarm went off and was on for like an hour and a half, till we finally had enough and A called the police. (This was before we knew who the car belonged to, obviously, so they could find out who the owner was.) I still hear shrill ringing -.- So I've had too little sleep after staying up too late, I don't think I've been drinking enough, and my mood is awful. Trying not to let that last part show too much, no reason to be a moodkill to others.

My sister asked me to visit her at the job tonight. It's sooo far, though. Dunno if I wanna.

I Need A Portable Dreamcatcher..

Something funny. Well, it's not really funny, but it's the kind of thing you say sarcastically, claiming it to be hilarious, when in fact, it's not. Not even ironic. It's.. curious.

I'm up way too late, today. Tonight. Tomorning. Yeah, new term, being up so late it's morning, has to be tomorning. Been very restless and bored today. Well, technically, yesterday, since it's like 5.30 am, and I'm talking about previous to midnight. Bored becomes contemplative, and contemplative is just simply not good for me O.o I'm not even really sure what I've been so.. off, about. I've been very nonresponsive and lacking interest in people around me, few as they have been. And then, at 5 am, having spent time reading and gaming, avoiding too much human contact for hours, I throw on some music to unwind and get sleepy to.

And a sentence in one song just popped out so violently I actually jerked. Cause it reminded me of someone who has been shadowing the back of my mind these last few days. It's from the danish version of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. The sentence "There was a time you let me know, what's really going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?". Though, it's slightly quirked in the danish version, so it's "There was a time when I could tell, exactly what you felt inside, now I only see a shadow of contempt". And it slammed into me, quite hard, that was how you felt. You despised me at the end, did you not? For being all the things I had never let myself be, and doing things so far out of your world it was too strange for you. I see how you didn't recognize me anymore. I was leaving it behind, the me you knew. And I hoped you could learn to love the new me as well.. But I asked too much, by asking that. I pushed it, too much, too fast, for you, and ended up losing you in the process.

But I didn't really see you, anymore, either. Not sure if I was too blind, or you were hiding too well. I still have moments of doubt. For 6 years I had the ultimate back-up. A friendship too solid to break. A person I knew I could come to, and despite all the shit I did and mistakes I made, they'd still love me, and be there. It was a mortal wound to my confidence, when that was taken from me. Or did I chase it away?

I wouldn't change this past year, or trade it for anything. Except for maybe having my best friend to talk to about everything that has happened. But I know I couldn't have both, you would never agree with, or even accept, my everyday life as it is today.

I'm still not sure what the hell went wrong, though. In a lot of areas, I'm old fashioned, by danish standards. By yours, my life is outrageous. And at times I felt like I was preaching "sex, drugs and rock'n'roll" to a nun, by your reactions. While the reactions I met around me was barely a shrug. While the responses in myself was a relief, finding what had been missing to make you a whole person.

I thought the.. mourning period? was over. It's the nightmares that brings you back, time and time again. Seeing you being hurt in front of me, unable to help you, restraints or faceless people holding me back, will never get any easier. But at least this time, someone was there to wake me up before you could die. And the next night, it was different, cause you weren't the one bleeding and gasping for air. But you held the knife, with that specific deceptive smile on your face, and when I was woken up again, I spent five full minutes listening to his breathing, to make sure it had only been a dream.

But that has been it for the nightmares. Only two, where it's usually.. Enough to keep me sleep deprived for a fortnight. Doesn't make it less terrifying, though. And I'm sure he's gonna think me a lunatic if you manage to kill him in one of my dreams, and I wake up screaming or in tears. Well, more tears then from the others.

I'm unsure if I want you to just be out of my mind and dreams. I still miss you. My conclusion about why you keep reappearing in my head, is the unresolved stuff. The questions that still confuses me. The fact that the very last time we talked to eachother, I was too angry to tell you I'd love you a little bit, always, despite everything. So I'm hoping this blog will give me some peace of mind. Whether you read my crap or not.