The elephant in the bedroom

This is weird. I'm in my room. On my couch. All ready for sleep. Well, I plan to read for a bit.

It's the first time I've laid down in here since I moved back. First time I attempt to sleep here. It's very sad. I keep thinking back. It's just that I'm sleeping on OUR couch, here. Which I'm still terrified to find his scent on. And that we shared a bedroom here for 6 months. Before that, he was the first boyfriend of mine to ever spend the night here. All the while complaining about the ridiculously small tv.

Bodil fell on me when I pulled the covers on. The elephant he gave me the day before valentines, as a non-valentines gift. We couldn't really afford her, but I just loved her so much, he got her for me anyway. That sparked the memory of him texting me a picture of her, trunk in his glass of water, to cheer me up on a bad day. I miss that.

Earlier, I watched the final episode of Everwood. The one where Andy finally gets Nina, and Amy and Ephram gets back together. I love that episode, I cry like a baby when I watch it. It also made me understand something. I kinda always thought he'd be my Ephram. Which makes no sense, cause I'm the only one who ever watched this show. I guess the analogy Ross from Friends would work too. That person in your life that you love so freaking much, but things just keep happening, one or the other keeps screwing up, but you somehow always end back up with cause it's just.. Right. That's a very difficult idea to let go of. And I didn't even realize I even had it. I mean, in the past, sure. But I know it's final, now, and I don't want him back. I guess.. There's just crooks of my mind, or heart, rather, that hasn't fully realized that yet. Maybe they still think it's a nightmare they'll wake from any moment.

I'm definitely in round two of the whole depression act. The Kübler-Ross model don't seem to be working in the correct order, with me. Or maybe my grief is so big I have to go through it twice, cause I feel like I'm back to the bargaining and depression stages, though I know I've been here before.

I guess I just wish that things had turned out different. Better. That I could at least have kept him as a friend. I can't remember how his laugh sounded. I feel very alone without him.