If he had been there

I've seen mountains. This may seem like a non-interesting fact to many people, but I am nearing 23, and I have never seen a mountain till a week ago. It was amazing. The view from.. well, anywhere, really.. The street, the promenade, the beach, our balcony.. You could see them, all around the bay and coastline. And no matter how much you looked, you never got used to it. They were just so BIG.

I've seen crystal clear, turqoise, green and blue water. Shimmering with little black and silver fish, and rippling with the waves and minimal amount of wind. I swam in the saltiest water I've ever experienced, jumping off the boat with a squeal of joy. I swam to a rocky shore, and sat in the shallow water, picking up and examining rocks, colored and speckled in ways completely new to me. I saw a tiny starfish.

I've tanned. I never, ever get really tan. My stomach, which is always glowing white, now looks like actual human skin. My legs too. My arms and my chest are downright brown. No redness left at all. It was blazingly hot every single day, and you almost felt like you were breating lava. But you were never cold, and I hate being cold. I've never been in sun that baked you well above 65 degrees celsius. It was 40 in the shadow, that's completely uncommon in my world, as well.

I have seen and experienced a lot of things, this past week. Many of them too amazing for me to explain their wonder. I will try, when I have slept a bit more. Right now, my mind is on a different aspect of my trip.

I'll start by pointing out that it was an amazing vacation, and that I cherish every moment of it. Even the less positive parts of it. Those, will also be adressed later on. I was pleasantly surprised by how well I got along with the bat for a week. I'm not good with having people around for too long at a time, and there's only been one exception so far. We had so much fun, and we've created memories for life. Memories I wouldn't trade for anything.

But there were moments. Moments where the heat and the silence of the night got me melancholic. Moments where the scenery was too beautiful, the mood was too intimate, or where something funny would happen that gave a little tug. A tug that reminded me how it would have been, had everything not went down the drain. The bat asked me how it would have been different, what things would be different for me, had it not been her as my travelcompanion. I don't think I answered, really.

Everything. Everything would have been different. There would have been a bigger problem in all the cats and chickens running around all over. He would have been allergic the entire trip, even I had to do pills every day. The nights would have been hotter, cause I doubt the noise and the intensity of the AC would have fallen under any kind of approved category. He would propably have aquired a cold. He always gets sick with that at odd and inconvenient times. I would have been able and felt in my right to pick up any mess that wasn't mine. I'm not sure how it would have effected the turkish bath. He wouldn't have liked the part where strangers touch you and scrub you down while you're close to naked, I think. He would have found my reactions hilarious, though.

The food would have been different. He would have taken one look at Maymi's menu, and deemed it too danish for a vacation to Marmaris. I would have agreed. I think there would have been less swimming. It's not his strongest side, and I didn't like to make it too obvious that it's one of mine. We'd have been in the water, sure, but not very deep, probably. I'm not sure the waterpark would have held any attraction to him, at all. He would have reminded me to drink, all the time. Not that it would have been needed, since you can barely go 3 feet without feeling like you just swallowed a beaver.

He would probably have talked me into the parasailing. As it was, the second I saw them, my brain flipflopped and refused to really acknowledge the reality of those chutes' exsistense. It was just so damn far up! But I know he would have talked me into it, and with him beside me, I would have felt brave and proud and safer. Not entirely safe, that won't ever happen hundreds of meters above ground. He would have been proud of me, too. We would have driven the segway-tricycle-thingies a lot more. He would have loved the speed, and even though I was scared to death I'd hit someone, I loved it too.

His anxiety attacks would have hit head-on and fullblown at the market and the bazar. The way the salespeople crowded you and chased you and sometimes held you back physically, would have been way too much for him. And I would have been confused till I figured it out, before I'd have stepped up and been the protector. I would have been determined to be the anchor, and I wouldn't have let go of him.

We would have spent more time away from the others. Couple-time. We would have given in to the romance. It's everywhere, there. It's in the view, the heat, all the bright lights, the music, the sound of the water always close enough to be clucking against the sand. It's in the atmosphere of the restaurants, the smells of the spices, the sunset and the massive amount of bare skin.

When we would have been with the others, my sister would have laughed so much with him. He would have provided that male company my nephew so much needed, and I would have loved him all the more for making the kid happy. He's a great kid, he really is. He made a heart out of sesame seads, and put his and my initials in it, and I got to take pictures of that. He's 13, and he's just so full of affection, you can't help but loving him.

When my sister got in a huge argument with one of the older people, he would have stood up for her, verbally. I can just tell. The course of the conversation just went places where I knew he would have won. He would have made that old disgusting idiot ashamed of himself, in some clever way that would have made me feel proud to be by his side, and glad I wasn't on the receiving end. He would probably have chastised me for rebuking the old man's insult to my sister, in such a displaying way. But I really did feel a need for the sarcastic applauding of a man who calls a woman a whore bitch, in front of her 13-year old son, without as much as blinking. I don't know how he would have reacted to the almost-fight. I'm sure he would have kept me in my seat, had it come to blows between the old man and my sister, and I would have seethed. I think he would have intervened, but only to stop any damage to anyone.

I would have been calmer on the flight home. I would have had the comfort and familiarity of his smell and sound. I woke up a lot at night, because the bat's snoring is so fast and light, I thought something was wrong. It was like a gust of wind when you're used to a hurricane.

We would have written postcards to so many people. We would have written Elan and Esben and his mom and sister. Maybe even his dad. We would have been mutually annoyed to miss an episode of True Blood, especially so close to the season finale. He would have downloaded it within half an hour of returning home.

We would probably have argued, too. I don't doubt that. But I know I'd have come home, happier than when I left. Excited about life, love and seeing the world. More willing to go cold places. Though, the toilet requirement wouldn't have changed, it's only reinforced. But I had little glimps. Glimps of future. Well. how I would have seen future, in it. How all the amazement and shared experiences would have made me fall, all over again.

And it made me really sad at times, that I for brief moments believed it would have made a difference for us. Because I know it would only have bought us more time, before the truth got out and the bubble burst.

I had moments where I missed him so much it made me numb.