All the good and all the bad

Oh how life takes its turns, huh peepers?

So, I quit law school. The short version is that I chose wrong and it sucked. The slightly more detailed version is, I do not fit into that world, or belong with the people in it. But it's not a sad thing, really. I quit a year ago, but I didn't make much fuss about it, cause it was a calculated move. This spring I reapplied for college, and in late August I started studying psychology. In less than a month, I have my first exam. And I love this study. The campus, the classes, the people, the whole dang vibe. My study group is amazing, they are the sweetest people ever, and we work so well together. We have similar ideas and feelings about prioritizing, workload, how often to meet up and about what, and everyone respects the deadlines we set. We just had the first assignment where we could choose other groups to work with if we wanted, but we all agreed we'd rather stay together.

I'll be honest, I hate statistics, which is one of my courses this and next semester. But I'm getting by in it. Not amazingly, I never will with math stuff, but! I'm not a total failure at it either. I have faith I'll be able to pass it, even. Social psychology is probably my favorite, though. And then there's.. how to translate it. Scientific theory? Yeah, that'll do. It's hard as shit, but I love the wins when I get something. And I love that A is doing her masters in pedagogical psychology (enabling her to teach it!), cause we have a lot of overlapping material, and are able to discuss and help each other out. And bitch about it when forced to read translations of Sausurre.

Next semester will be personality psychology and neuro-bio. The latter worries me a bit, it sounds heavy, but it's okay. I'm sure it'll be fine. I definitely made the right decision switching. And in a handful of years, I get to call myself a psychologist! How fucking cool is that!

On a different note, in a few days, I'll be getting to finally enjoy my birthday present from the friends. We're visiting an Alpaca farm! And I get to walk one! M is walking one with me, but the others are just tagging along. Well, AD isn't, cause car space and probably rocky ground to walk on. I'm glad M is joining, though, she's my co-animal-lover. Our love for the fur monsters are strong enough for everyone though. Afterwards they're treating me to a candy-shopping spree, then we head home and have my favorite cake (carrot cake with loads of frosting!) And then! In the evening, we're trying out Korean bbq for the first time! A is not joining for that, but AD is, so I get to spend time with everyone throughout the day. It's a whole day of fun activities and stuff I like, and I'm really looking forward to it!

And after the last month and a bit, I feel like I need it. There's been drama with an older friend, that blew the heck up, and I have to admit I ended up completely losing my goddamn shit over it. The thing is, a lot of it happened behind my back, even though the person had all the opportunity in the world to talk to me about it, but chose not to, yet blames me for not clearing things up. I absolutely get how there was confusion and something was misunderstood, don't get me wrong on that. But I thought this issue was at a 2, while this other person victimized themselves and escalated it to a 9, declaring me the villain, without actually just calling me a villain to my face. And that is just. Yeah, I can't even. It all blew up when her trusty meddling friend tried to defend her, and was the most obnoxious little shit about it. At least to my face. But he pushed all the wrong buttons with me, and I ended up actually screaming at him in anger, and that's not something I'm proud of. I pride myself in remaining composure with stuff like that, but he was just so provoking! Telling me that I was angry in a situation where I wasn't, as if he knows better than me what I felt, laying claim to me creative work, having already tried to steal it behind my back, telling me I had no copyright on it, but being extremely butthurt that I removed his access to it, and wanting to discuss semantics about when I did it, like it has some bigger meaning than what I told him. He was baiting me, and I was already bottled up with anger, so I blew up. It was handled very gracefully by the people around us who, given the situation, which I'm not explaining, should very much be handling it with us. But it wasn't resolved. And it needs to be, at some point.

What really pisses me off about it, is the fact that it all sprang from me setting a boundary. The friend it concerns said something that I feel was super disrespectful. And the thing is, they didn't as much apologize, as insisted on explaining how it wasn't what they meant. And undermined my reaction and feelings, by saying I must have been having a bad day or something. But initially, my response was just 'don't talk to me like that some other time', and I consider it a closed issue. I don't owe anyone to hear their reasoning when they step on my feet, and when they're more busy defending themselves than apologizing, I really, really don't need to waste my time on it. But I was over it, I stated that much. It didn't need to be anymore of an issue.

But because a series of completely unrelated things happened, this person chose to connect them to this issue, that they were apparently very hurt I had been so blunt about. So they chose to talk to every other person than me about it. I even reached out to open a conversation to clarify about the unrelated things, because they did involve them. But I wasn't aware of it being this huge thing, till one of the people who should get involved, contacted me, wanting to hear my side. And I realized what had happened. The friend was ignoring my messages, knowing full well they were there, they just didn't open them. Until last minute before we had to see each other again, and again they did /nothing/ to take any responsibility in the whole thing. Not. One. Thing. But they did use disability to excuse why they could barely have the conversation. And later on, after abandoning the conversation, opted to post on Facebook about it, thank God leaving names out of it, but again victimizing themselves about being pushed beyond their capability (due to a lot of activity on related subjects, not quite having to do with me, but sort of related, but could easily have been avoided by opening my fucking message, maybe a week before, or just at any point during all the assuming). I pushed, yes, for keeping things to messages where I had things in writing, cause at this point, I wanted fucking proof of her behaviour.

Gah. So much anger! It's just frustrating really. That me setting a boundary is being turned into her being a victim. I am not apologizing for anyone's hand hurting, after they punched me.

We'll see what happens. In all this, M has been dragged into it too, cause in the specific setting, we're a unit, and the consequences of all this has been hitting her too. And that pisses me off even more. She's very pissed too, at this point. She only just found out about the Facebook posts. And honestly. I need to see the old friend take responsibility for shit. Otherwise, go on and call me a villain. I'll be a villain. I will be the best fucking villain you've ever seen.

All I can say is, don't piss off a Libra. We take forever to get there, but when we do? Run. Not physically, but emotionally you better fucking run and hide.

I don't like that side of me, and I sure hope I reign it in in time.

Sometimes little things add up

 Hey Peepers.

New year, same me. Slightly more depressed than last year, but hey, we can't win them all, right? I don't even really know how to start reeling in the beast that is my emotional stance, right now, but it's bothering me too much to ignore it.

New Years was... Well, it was. On the surface I suppose it was fine. There were just a bunch of little things that made me feel.. unwelcome? Like a nuisance. It started when we were talking about how to go about dinner, really. I suggested it was a bit unrealistic to expect to eat right after the queens' speech, cause we'd have things to set up, so maybe set it for half an hour after, and the responses were bitey enough that I felt like I should have just shut up, my opinion wasn't welcome. And maybe people were just a bit on edge from one of the guests having to cancel cause they got covid, I don't know, but I didn't feel like the sighs and annoyed expressions fit what an expected reaction should have been.

I started cutting potatoes a little after that, and I dropped a piece that skidded across the counter. I expected to drop more pieces before I was done, so I figured I'd leave it and pick up all at once, rather than drip all over, cause my hands were wet. But the other person in the kitchen picked up the piece and dropped it back in the pot, and I didn't manage to stop them. I wanted to rinse it first. Cause when it comes to food and cooking I'm a bit bacteriophobic. It's not very different from how I don't feel a piece of clean laundry stays clean, if I drop it when hanging it up to dry. If it's been on the floor, it's no longer clean. If food drops on a surface I haven't just cleaned, it's no longer suited to be cooked. However, the person I was in the kitchen with felt it necessary to, in a very defensive tone, point out that where it had landed had just been cleaned the day before. Like it was an attack on them.

A short while after, I was peeling apples, and they made a comment and then asked me rather condescendingly why I was doing that in the sink, rather than directly in the bin. Which is out of habit, I've always peeled things in the sink, so I wouldn't have peels flying around and having to pick them up. Also, the bin was full and they have a different type of peeler than I'm used to, that I feel like I have less control with. And I like to have the water right there, to rinse off the little flecks of stuff that ends up on things as you peel them. There's a ton of reasons.

Later yet, the others had to leave for a while, to drop someone off at work, and I was alone with the person, just talking. We discussed ethics and politics, basically. I like that sort of discussion, usually, and for a while I enjoyed it. We believed in the same goal, just disagreed on the road to reach it, but I felt like they got a lot more upset than anything, and eventually I did my best to disengage, pointing out where we agreed, to end it. I perfectly understand their point of view, I just don't support it.

Another person also seemed very ugh-ish every time I went to help out in the kitchen, and eventually, I kinda just tried to avoid it.

And there were a few times where I felt like little jabs were being made at me, using my own flaws against me. Like.. It's so hard to describe, but like using how I ask questions to understand why people are doing things differently than I would, to ask me things but meant to ridicule or jab at me. Like with the apples. It wasn't the question, it was the way it was asked. The tone. I don't ask to be malicious. I ask to learn or understand. I did not feel like I was being asked so someone could understand me.

I didn't want to make a fuss, cause the cancellation already had upset one person enough, and even though I internally debated just going home to sleep, I had a reason not to. We had a friend who doesn't live in the country join us, and we don't see them very often. They were leaving early in the morning, and the friend who had to work would come back in the morning and have breakfast with the rest of us, and the one leaving, so we could all say goodbye. So we all talked about being woken up when the working friend got back, so we could do that.

No one woke me up. I woke up, apparantly, ten minutes after they left. The others had basically finished breakfast. And had that stood alone, I don't think I would have been as bothered. But I was the only one not to be woken up, not to have breakfast with the others, not getting to say goodbye, and not one of them had thought to wake me? It's really hard for me not to take that as them not caring or wanting me there. And that really hurt. I don't think I spoke much, I just got ready and left as quick as I could. Ended up going part of the way with the friend who had been working all night. I talked to them a bit. But I was still relieved when I could be alone.

Alone. I've been feeling that a lot lately. More and more often I find myself wanting to share something, and being disappointed when I do. Cause most of the time, I feel like I'm throwing the ball against a wall and catching it myself. No one is catching and throwing it back. I don't feel like my interests and passions can be shared to the extend I want. To the extend I need.

It's not enough. Brief comments of affirmation and praise. And then disengagement. I need interest, questions, debate, suggestions. And I'm not getting that where I'm at. And that's hard to admit, cause I'm craving it more and more, it's not going away, and I can see where it leads me. The easy answer is obviously 'go find someone or someones who can be that or those peeople for you'. Of course. But a friend of mine once said something very true. I only have so many chairs available in my circle. And I could try and stretch myself, that'll probably happen. But what if I'm not flexible enough? Then I'm risking people I love for the option of something I can't be sure of. It's easy now to say I'd never risk it. But if they can't provide something I need to function, do I have other options?

Don't even get me started on the whole 'how ungrateful am I to feel this way' aspect.

I'm just.. tired and really really sad. I know I'm not a common flavor. I'm not for everyone. I guess I just didn't expect to be made to feel like this, by them. I thought they would tell me to my face.

Feeling kinda meh, tbh...

 Hey Peepers,

Specific topic today.

Kinda working through a lot of things right now, and I'm sure it's all rubbing off on each other and making me.. Something. I suppose disappointment is kinda dominating my mind and mood. It'll get better, of course, plans are in motion, I just need some time to digest that things will be different. Better, probably.

Anyway. The past week I've been trying to distract myself a bit, take a break. So I've been focusing on some creative stuff. I just returned to a RP campaign I've been away from for a few years, and it's changed a bit and become amazing again. At least it was the first time, and I can't wait for next time. I made a group with a few friends, so we're working together on a project ingame, and when we were there, we kinda ended up pulling shit out our butts, that we have this model that works where we come from, that we want to use in this new city we're in. We have some pull, my character knows the new leader in town, M play the descendant of a like leader back in the town we're from, and E is in our entourage and works with us. It's like an educational/adoption process we're playing experts in.

So, naturally, I sat down and made like ten documents, contracts, guides, lawtexts, personalitytests and all sorts of bullshit. It looks really cool, and will absolutely up the bureaucracy play quite a bit, but mainly I made it as a power move against the people our group have been teamed up with, who want to run things... Not quite with the same vision as us. My last character in this game never played to win, she played to be on the winning team, but never in the line of fire. This character is is hungry. She wants to make a difference, she's a hardcore believer in the rules and teachings of her kind, she wants to restore balance and she works hard to reach goals, the right way.

Now I don't expect anyone to sit down and design a hundred documents with me, just to check mate someone in a game. That's my thing, I strive. And I've shown people what I've done, and they've absolutely made comments, thinking it's cool and M has given a bit of feedback even though she's quite new to the game and world.

But I don't have that real excited feedback or brainstorming I'm kinda trying to find, by sharing. And I suppose that's my disappointment right now. I guess I was hoping for a bit more back and forth, some opinions, ideas. Participation because of excitement. Playing the ball back in stead of just clapping at it soaring by.

While I know what I've done is super cool, and I'm confident in it, it still leaves me with some questioning, cause I don't really see the enthusiasm I thought I would. So while my work is awesome, is it too much or do people just not care that much? Of course it's fine if they're just not as intrigued as me, I can't fault them for that. But it's not the first project or first game where I've been trying to raise discussion or interest, where people just don't really know or want to engage, even if they're involved, and I suppose I don't get it.

Maybe I have a higher need or desire for details? I want to create worlds and cultures and laws and relations, and I want things like documents and themes and props and art. I want philosophic tendencies and politics and intricate costumes and I want to make rituals and habits and customs. I dream big. And I feel rather alone in that. So when I try to engange people and have them co-create with me, and no one does, it feels pretty shitty.

My enthusiasm tends to feed a lot on the excitement of those in a project with me, and if there's no excitement, my enthusiasm dies out. And I really don't want it to, with this.

Maybe it's too much to ask, having someone want to discuss fictitious vampire laws with you for an hour here and there, or making up responsibility contracts and guidelines for rehoming a ghoul. But it's a lot less fun when you're talking into a void about it.

The world is moist and full of ugh-ness

I don't know why I have to work this way. It's like I'm wired wrong, sometimes.

The air has been really humid and heavy today. The smell of rain is hanging on every breath of air, and you can feel the atmosphere just begging for a thunderous release. I've felt oddly.. not sad, nostalgic maybe, all day. I miss him again.

An old friend stopped by to return som borrowed items she's had for years, and while here, asked about what happened with M back then. I couldn't go into detail. Details made me sad. So I summed it up to us not working out cause his ability to balance work with a private life, didn't really cut it. I also admitted that it still devastates me. And here I am, missing him again. The guy who knew how to love me so perfectly, and who I loved so unconditionally, so fast... And then it couldn't last.

When we broke up, I wrote something to the extend of it feeling like I'd lost a limb, but that I know time heals all wounds. I also wrote I had no wounds, only pain. I still feel like I'm missing a limb. And I don't think time can heal the pain left behind from losing the us I thought would be the final us I'd ever care about. Obviously I can't tell the future. In a year, I could be halfway engaged to some person. But I don't see it, and I have no drive for it. When I imagine myself looking happily into someones eyes, it's still his. It's so freaking pathetic, isn't it.

But I don't even care. I'm fine. I'm good, even. I just don't want the whole dating thing anywhere near me.

This whole pandemic thing has taught me a lot about how mentally resilient I am these days. I've thrived, and it's bizarre. I made friends with a girl from school, and I actually think of her as a friend. That sounds weird to find odd, but I never make lasting friends in school, cause I rarely think of it as a lasting situation, and I hate groupwork. But R is a hoot and a half, and even if she's at a slightly lower level than mine, I enjoy working with her. We've spent hours and hours and hours on the phone over the last few months, and I'm not a phone person.

My back feels like shit, still, but they finally opened the pools and gyms, and I went swimming again a few days ago. I had to talk to school about working from home some of the remaining time, but that was fine, cause I'm like the only one who's turned in all my assignments, some even long before their deadlines, and I'm tapdancing in circles around my teachers, demonstrating my top-grade abilities, so they're like "Just be here as much as you can, and don't worry about the rest. It's fine." This school is usually super anal about attendance, so it says A LOT that I get to do that.

We finally got around to playing some table top again. That was so nice, I didn't even know how much I'd missed it, till we were all there, laughing our asses off over some ingame thing. I had multiple giggle-attacks, where I had to ask people to wait a sec, cause I couldn't channel whatever NPC I was doing, due to my players being absolute sparkles of sassy joy.

Of course, when I started preparing for the game, I had this idea for another game, and I couldn't not work a bit on that too, and long story short, I designed a character sheet, complete with graphics too (Yes, she does that now, the stupid school managed to teach her a thing or two!), and it only needs a name now. It all sprung from me just having an idea, and not knowing a system that supported the kind of game I want to run with it. I basically wanted one that had less frames and rules, that supported the mutual storytelling more than it had people rolling dice to see if they could or could not do things. So in stead of choosing what they're good at in their stats, players choose central abilities to the characters personality. It can be anything, really. Cooking, handstand, doing makeup, fighting, talking about aquarium temperatures. Whatever relates to their life experience, hobbies, interests or situations they're in often, that could be interesting to randomize the outcome of. The level of it, starting at 10 and declining as you invest XP in it, defines your successrate. It only requires one die. As you lower your modifier, the easier it becomes to roll a success. It's simple, but fun, I think. I also did stuff to balance the shit they'll be carrying around, because supplies will be kinda relevant to the game.

The game itself is inspired by the pandemic and some of all the post-apoc shows that have been around for the last decade, but with a more futuristic vibe. And it centers around the characters and their group dynamic. I'm very eager to try it out.

Well. I got tired, Peepers. Tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday, and I'm gonna go visit, so I need a good night's sleep. Nighty night.

Treading water

Wow, two blogs within the same week, huh, Peepers?! What happened!

Well. The prime minister just announced that they're extending the lockdown in general, but is partially opening some things up. Mostly childcare and that sort of thing, I'm still home. It was supposed to be until the 14th, then my school decided to extend to the 20th, and now it looks like it'll be May 10th.

All festivals and summer events are cancelled, big crowds are forbidden until the end of August. All the summer LARPs, amusement parks, borders are still closed so also vacation destinations.. everything is closed.

Tbh I'm not that upset, I didn't have major plans,  so for me it only cancels an amusement park trip, which can be done in the fall if possible, or next year. It isn't the end of the world. But a lot of people are super upset, which is understandable, of course. And while I'm not too upset about the whole impact all this is having on my daily life, the negativity is starting to get to me. Not mine, other people's. It's not like I don't understand or sympathize, don't get me wrong. But the constant focus on how horrible it is and how hard it is, and how difficult it is... I can't. It's that tunnel vision behavior that I generally cannot deal with. And it's coming at me from all over, I feel, the whole internet is plastered with it, facebook is bombarding me, friends unable to distract themselves. It gets so heavy.

Yes, it's a difficult situation. But as long as you have options to not freaking dwell on it, utilize them! Seriously, I'm snapping at people left and right, cause I'm so frustrated that I can't fix shit, and it's so triggering. This whole manic attempt at establishing order in the middle of chaos.. I hate when I behave like that. But it's fucking knee-jerk, and I have to just step away from involvement if I want to avoid it. And then I'm the cold bitch who doesn't care, so it's a lose/lose pickle.

I think if I had a mantra for this time, it would be "Stay busy, stay sane". I have a ton of home improvement projects to do, that are demanding my attention, focus and time, so I don't sit around and spiral, worrying about the future and the what ifs. Because that shit is toxic, Peepers. I make sure to find silver linings, I do things that make me happy, and I make damn sure to get some sunshine on my pale scandinavian skin, to soak up all them vitamin happy's. Mostly I do that in the window, but it counts! I am, however, about to reach a breaking point when it comes to being submerged in other people's pools, so to speak, and am considering doing a day or two of radio silence to reboot my mental capacity. Recharge the good old batteries.

It's the age old thing about putting the mask on yourself before you help others.