Feeling kinda meh, tbh...

 Hey Peepers,

Specific topic today.

Kinda working through a lot of things right now, and I'm sure it's all rubbing off on each other and making me.. Something. I suppose disappointment is kinda dominating my mind and mood. It'll get better, of course, plans are in motion, I just need some time to digest that things will be different. Better, probably.

Anyway. The past week I've been trying to distract myself a bit, take a break. So I've been focusing on some creative stuff. I just returned to a RP campaign I've been away from for a few years, and it's changed a bit and become amazing again. At least it was the first time, and I can't wait for next time. I made a group with a few friends, so we're working together on a project ingame, and when we were there, we kinda ended up pulling shit out our butts, that we have this model that works where we come from, that we want to use in this new city we're in. We have some pull, my character knows the new leader in town, M play the descendant of a like leader back in the town we're from, and E is in our entourage and works with us. It's like an educational/adoption process we're playing experts in.

So, naturally, I sat down and made like ten documents, contracts, guides, lawtexts, personalitytests and all sorts of bullshit. It looks really cool, and will absolutely up the bureaucracy play quite a bit, but mainly I made it as a power move against the people our group have been teamed up with, who want to run things... Not quite with the same vision as us. My last character in this game never played to win, she played to be on the winning team, but never in the line of fire. This character is is hungry. She wants to make a difference, she's a hardcore believer in the rules and teachings of her kind, she wants to restore balance and she works hard to reach goals, the right way.

Now I don't expect anyone to sit down and design a hundred documents with me, just to check mate someone in a game. That's my thing, I strive. And I've shown people what I've done, and they've absolutely made comments, thinking it's cool and M has given a bit of feedback even though she's quite new to the game and world.

But I don't have that real excited feedback or brainstorming I'm kinda trying to find, by sharing. And I suppose that's my disappointment right now. I guess I was hoping for a bit more back and forth, some opinions, ideas. Participation because of excitement. Playing the ball back in stead of just clapping at it soaring by.

While I know what I've done is super cool, and I'm confident in it, it still leaves me with some questioning, cause I don't really see the enthusiasm I thought I would. So while my work is awesome, is it too much or do people just not care that much? Of course it's fine if they're just not as intrigued as me, I can't fault them for that. But it's not the first project or first game where I've been trying to raise discussion or interest, where people just don't really know or want to engage, even if they're involved, and I suppose I don't get it.

Maybe I have a higher need or desire for details? I want to create worlds and cultures and laws and relations, and I want things like documents and themes and props and art. I want philosophic tendencies and politics and intricate costumes and I want to make rituals and habits and customs. I dream big. And I feel rather alone in that. So when I try to engange people and have them co-create with me, and no one does, it feels pretty shitty.

My enthusiasm tends to feed a lot on the excitement of those in a project with me, and if there's no excitement, my enthusiasm dies out. And I really don't want it to, with this.

Maybe it's too much to ask, having someone want to discuss fictitious vampire laws with you for an hour here and there, or making up responsibility contracts and guidelines for rehoming a ghoul. But it's a lot less fun when you're talking into a void about it.