Sometimes little things add up

 Hey Peepers.

New year, same me. Slightly more depressed than last year, but hey, we can't win them all, right? I don't even really know how to start reeling in the beast that is my emotional stance, right now, but it's bothering me too much to ignore it.

New Years was... Well, it was. On the surface I suppose it was fine. There were just a bunch of little things that made me feel.. unwelcome? Like a nuisance. It started when we were talking about how to go about dinner, really. I suggested it was a bit unrealistic to expect to eat right after the queens' speech, cause we'd have things to set up, so maybe set it for half an hour after, and the responses were bitey enough that I felt like I should have just shut up, my opinion wasn't welcome. And maybe people were just a bit on edge from one of the guests having to cancel cause they got covid, I don't know, but I didn't feel like the sighs and annoyed expressions fit what an expected reaction should have been.

I started cutting potatoes a little after that, and I dropped a piece that skidded across the counter. I expected to drop more pieces before I was done, so I figured I'd leave it and pick up all at once, rather than drip all over, cause my hands were wet. But the other person in the kitchen picked up the piece and dropped it back in the pot, and I didn't manage to stop them. I wanted to rinse it first. Cause when it comes to food and cooking I'm a bit bacteriophobic. It's not very different from how I don't feel a piece of clean laundry stays clean, if I drop it when hanging it up to dry. If it's been on the floor, it's no longer clean. If food drops on a surface I haven't just cleaned, it's no longer suited to be cooked. However, the person I was in the kitchen with felt it necessary to, in a very defensive tone, point out that where it had landed had just been cleaned the day before. Like it was an attack on them.

A short while after, I was peeling apples, and they made a comment and then asked me rather condescendingly why I was doing that in the sink, rather than directly in the bin. Which is out of habit, I've always peeled things in the sink, so I wouldn't have peels flying around and having to pick them up. Also, the bin was full and they have a different type of peeler than I'm used to, that I feel like I have less control with. And I like to have the water right there, to rinse off the little flecks of stuff that ends up on things as you peel them. There's a ton of reasons.

Later yet, the others had to leave for a while, to drop someone off at work, and I was alone with the person, just talking. We discussed ethics and politics, basically. I like that sort of discussion, usually, and for a while I enjoyed it. We believed in the same goal, just disagreed on the road to reach it, but I felt like they got a lot more upset than anything, and eventually I did my best to disengage, pointing out where we agreed, to end it. I perfectly understand their point of view, I just don't support it.

Another person also seemed very ugh-ish every time I went to help out in the kitchen, and eventually, I kinda just tried to avoid it.

And there were a few times where I felt like little jabs were being made at me, using my own flaws against me. Like.. It's so hard to describe, but like using how I ask questions to understand why people are doing things differently than I would, to ask me things but meant to ridicule or jab at me. Like with the apples. It wasn't the question, it was the way it was asked. The tone. I don't ask to be malicious. I ask to learn or understand. I did not feel like I was being asked so someone could understand me.

I didn't want to make a fuss, cause the cancellation already had upset one person enough, and even though I internally debated just going home to sleep, I had a reason not to. We had a friend who doesn't live in the country join us, and we don't see them very often. They were leaving early in the morning, and the friend who had to work would come back in the morning and have breakfast with the rest of us, and the one leaving, so we could all say goodbye. So we all talked about being woken up when the working friend got back, so we could do that.

No one woke me up. I woke up, apparantly, ten minutes after they left. The others had basically finished breakfast. And had that stood alone, I don't think I would have been as bothered. But I was the only one not to be woken up, not to have breakfast with the others, not getting to say goodbye, and not one of them had thought to wake me? It's really hard for me not to take that as them not caring or wanting me there. And that really hurt. I don't think I spoke much, I just got ready and left as quick as I could. Ended up going part of the way with the friend who had been working all night. I talked to them a bit. But I was still relieved when I could be alone.

Alone. I've been feeling that a lot lately. More and more often I find myself wanting to share something, and being disappointed when I do. Cause most of the time, I feel like I'm throwing the ball against a wall and catching it myself. No one is catching and throwing it back. I don't feel like my interests and passions can be shared to the extend I want. To the extend I need.

It's not enough. Brief comments of affirmation and praise. And then disengagement. I need interest, questions, debate, suggestions. And I'm not getting that where I'm at. And that's hard to admit, cause I'm craving it more and more, it's not going away, and I can see where it leads me. The easy answer is obviously 'go find someone or someones who can be that or those peeople for you'. Of course. But a friend of mine once said something very true. I only have so many chairs available in my circle. And I could try and stretch myself, that'll probably happen. But what if I'm not flexible enough? Then I'm risking people I love for the option of something I can't be sure of. It's easy now to say I'd never risk it. But if they can't provide something I need to function, do I have other options?

Don't even get me started on the whole 'how ungrateful am I to feel this way' aspect.

I'm just.. tired and really really sad. I know I'm not a common flavor. I'm not for everyone. I guess I just didn't expect to be made to feel like this, by them. I thought they would tell me to my face.