All the good and all the bad

Oh how life takes its turns, huh peepers?

So, I quit law school. The short version is that I chose wrong and it sucked. The slightly more detailed version is, I do not fit into that world, or belong with the people in it. But it's not a sad thing, really. I quit a year ago, but I didn't make much fuss about it, cause it was a calculated move. This spring I reapplied for college, and in late August I started studying psychology. In less than a month, I have my first exam. And I love this study. The campus, the classes, the people, the whole dang vibe. My study group is amazing, they are the sweetest people ever, and we work so well together. We have similar ideas and feelings about prioritizing, workload, how often to meet up and about what, and everyone respects the deadlines we set. We just had the first assignment where we could choose other groups to work with if we wanted, but we all agreed we'd rather stay together.

I'll be honest, I hate statistics, which is one of my courses this and next semester. But I'm getting by in it. Not amazingly, I never will with math stuff, but! I'm not a total failure at it either. I have faith I'll be able to pass it, even. Social psychology is probably my favorite, though. And then there's.. how to translate it. Scientific theory? Yeah, that'll do. It's hard as shit, but I love the wins when I get something. And I love that A is doing her masters in pedagogical psychology (enabling her to teach it!), cause we have a lot of overlapping material, and are able to discuss and help each other out. And bitch about it when forced to read translations of Sausurre.

Next semester will be personality psychology and neuro-bio. The latter worries me a bit, it sounds heavy, but it's okay. I'm sure it'll be fine. I definitely made the right decision switching. And in a handful of years, I get to call myself a psychologist! How fucking cool is that!

On a different note, in a few days, I'll be getting to finally enjoy my birthday present from the friends. We're visiting an Alpaca farm! And I get to walk one! M is walking one with me, but the others are just tagging along. Well, AD isn't, cause car space and probably rocky ground to walk on. I'm glad M is joining, though, she's my co-animal-lover. Our love for the fur monsters are strong enough for everyone though. Afterwards they're treating me to a candy-shopping spree, then we head home and have my favorite cake (carrot cake with loads of frosting!) And then! In the evening, we're trying out Korean bbq for the first time! A is not joining for that, but AD is, so I get to spend time with everyone throughout the day. It's a whole day of fun activities and stuff I like, and I'm really looking forward to it!

And after the last month and a bit, I feel like I need it. There's been drama with an older friend, that blew the heck up, and I have to admit I ended up completely losing my goddamn shit over it. The thing is, a lot of it happened behind my back, even though the person had all the opportunity in the world to talk to me about it, but chose not to, yet blames me for not clearing things up. I absolutely get how there was confusion and something was misunderstood, don't get me wrong on that. But I thought this issue was at a 2, while this other person victimized themselves and escalated it to a 9, declaring me the villain, without actually just calling me a villain to my face. And that is just. Yeah, I can't even. It all blew up when her trusty meddling friend tried to defend her, and was the most obnoxious little shit about it. At least to my face. But he pushed all the wrong buttons with me, and I ended up actually screaming at him in anger, and that's not something I'm proud of. I pride myself in remaining composure with stuff like that, but he was just so provoking! Telling me that I was angry in a situation where I wasn't, as if he knows better than me what I felt, laying claim to me creative work, having already tried to steal it behind my back, telling me I had no copyright on it, but being extremely butthurt that I removed his access to it, and wanting to discuss semantics about when I did it, like it has some bigger meaning than what I told him. He was baiting me, and I was already bottled up with anger, so I blew up. It was handled very gracefully by the people around us who, given the situation, which I'm not explaining, should very much be handling it with us. But it wasn't resolved. And it needs to be, at some point.

What really pisses me off about it, is the fact that it all sprang from me setting a boundary. The friend it concerns said something that I feel was super disrespectful. And the thing is, they didn't as much apologize, as insisted on explaining how it wasn't what they meant. And undermined my reaction and feelings, by saying I must have been having a bad day or something. But initially, my response was just 'don't talk to me like that some other time', and I consider it a closed issue. I don't owe anyone to hear their reasoning when they step on my feet, and when they're more busy defending themselves than apologizing, I really, really don't need to waste my time on it. But I was over it, I stated that much. It didn't need to be anymore of an issue.

But because a series of completely unrelated things happened, this person chose to connect them to this issue, that they were apparently very hurt I had been so blunt about. So they chose to talk to every other person than me about it. I even reached out to open a conversation to clarify about the unrelated things, because they did involve them. But I wasn't aware of it being this huge thing, till one of the people who should get involved, contacted me, wanting to hear my side. And I realized what had happened. The friend was ignoring my messages, knowing full well they were there, they just didn't open them. Until last minute before we had to see each other again, and again they did /nothing/ to take any responsibility in the whole thing. Not. One. Thing. But they did use disability to excuse why they could barely have the conversation. And later on, after abandoning the conversation, opted to post on Facebook about it, thank God leaving names out of it, but again victimizing themselves about being pushed beyond their capability (due to a lot of activity on related subjects, not quite having to do with me, but sort of related, but could easily have been avoided by opening my fucking message, maybe a week before, or just at any point during all the assuming). I pushed, yes, for keeping things to messages where I had things in writing, cause at this point, I wanted fucking proof of her behaviour.

Gah. So much anger! It's just frustrating really. That me setting a boundary is being turned into her being a victim. I am not apologizing for anyone's hand hurting, after they punched me.

We'll see what happens. In all this, M has been dragged into it too, cause in the specific setting, we're a unit, and the consequences of all this has been hitting her too. And that pisses me off even more. She's very pissed too, at this point. She only just found out about the Facebook posts. And honestly. I need to see the old friend take responsibility for shit. Otherwise, go on and call me a villain. I'll be a villain. I will be the best fucking villain you've ever seen.

All I can say is, don't piss off a Libra. We take forever to get there, but when we do? Run. Not physically, but emotionally you better fucking run and hide.

I don't like that side of me, and I sure hope I reign it in in time.