The world is moist and full of ugh-ness

I don't know why I have to work this way. It's like I'm wired wrong, sometimes.

The air has been really humid and heavy today. The smell of rain is hanging on every breath of air, and you can feel the atmosphere just begging for a thunderous release. I've felt oddly.. not sad, nostalgic maybe, all day. I miss him again.

An old friend stopped by to return som borrowed items she's had for years, and while here, asked about what happened with M back then. I couldn't go into detail. Details made me sad. So I summed it up to us not working out cause his ability to balance work with a private life, didn't really cut it. I also admitted that it still devastates me. And here I am, missing him again. The guy who knew how to love me so perfectly, and who I loved so unconditionally, so fast... And then it couldn't last.

When we broke up, I wrote something to the extend of it feeling like I'd lost a limb, but that I know time heals all wounds. I also wrote I had no wounds, only pain. I still feel like I'm missing a limb. And I don't think time can heal the pain left behind from losing the us I thought would be the final us I'd ever care about. Obviously I can't tell the future. In a year, I could be halfway engaged to some person. But I don't see it, and I have no drive for it. When I imagine myself looking happily into someones eyes, it's still his. It's so freaking pathetic, isn't it.

But I don't even care. I'm fine. I'm good, even. I just don't want the whole dating thing anywhere near me.

This whole pandemic thing has taught me a lot about how mentally resilient I am these days. I've thrived, and it's bizarre. I made friends with a girl from school, and I actually think of her as a friend. That sounds weird to find odd, but I never make lasting friends in school, cause I rarely think of it as a lasting situation, and I hate groupwork. But R is a hoot and a half, and even if she's at a slightly lower level than mine, I enjoy working with her. We've spent hours and hours and hours on the phone over the last few months, and I'm not a phone person.

My back feels like shit, still, but they finally opened the pools and gyms, and I went swimming again a few days ago. I had to talk to school about working from home some of the remaining time, but that was fine, cause I'm like the only one who's turned in all my assignments, some even long before their deadlines, and I'm tapdancing in circles around my teachers, demonstrating my top-grade abilities, so they're like "Just be here as much as you can, and don't worry about the rest. It's fine." This school is usually super anal about attendance, so it says A LOT that I get to do that.

We finally got around to playing some table top again. That was so nice, I didn't even know how much I'd missed it, till we were all there, laughing our asses off over some ingame thing. I had multiple giggle-attacks, where I had to ask people to wait a sec, cause I couldn't channel whatever NPC I was doing, due to my players being absolute sparkles of sassy joy.

Of course, when I started preparing for the game, I had this idea for another game, and I couldn't not work a bit on that too, and long story short, I designed a character sheet, complete with graphics too (Yes, she does that now, the stupid school managed to teach her a thing or two!), and it only needs a name now. It all sprung from me just having an idea, and not knowing a system that supported the kind of game I want to run with it. I basically wanted one that had less frames and rules, that supported the mutual storytelling more than it had people rolling dice to see if they could or could not do things. So in stead of choosing what they're good at in their stats, players choose central abilities to the characters personality. It can be anything, really. Cooking, handstand, doing makeup, fighting, talking about aquarium temperatures. Whatever relates to their life experience, hobbies, interests or situations they're in often, that could be interesting to randomize the outcome of. The level of it, starting at 10 and declining as you invest XP in it, defines your successrate. It only requires one die. As you lower your modifier, the easier it becomes to roll a success. It's simple, but fun, I think. I also did stuff to balance the shit they'll be carrying around, because supplies will be kinda relevant to the game.

The game itself is inspired by the pandemic and some of all the post-apoc shows that have been around for the last decade, but with a more futuristic vibe. And it centers around the characters and their group dynamic. I'm very eager to try it out.

Well. I got tired, Peepers. Tomorrow is my grandmother's birthday, and I'm gonna go visit, so I need a good night's sleep. Nighty night.