Now I'm a believer

Usually, this is the time of year when I write about Christmas being shitty. Don't get me wrong, it was, and I've already made plans for next year, so I have an excuse not to do the family thing. I had an anxiety attack right before dinner, and I've been exhausted for 4 days now. But.

I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about my amazing boyfriend. I know, big surprise. I mean, I've hardly talked about him at all. Heh.
He was off the grid during Christmas, because reasons. And I'm glad, cause he would've been unable to enjoy his family time, knowing I wasn't doing well, and he'd have been focusing all his attention on me. He loves Christmas, and I wanted him to not worry. I survive, I move on, I'm always fine by new years. So everything was as it should be.

But I missed him. A lot. For selfish reasons, I wanted to be able to reach out, of course. But even if it had been an option, I think I'd have spared him. He's not afraid to be there, or unwilling. But he understands I don't want him to be a crutch. I'm stronger when I stand on my own, and I trust that time and effort are the tools I need to fix myself. I love him for respecting that. For admiring that, even.

We were kidding around a lot tonight. We decided on an ingame date, and up a mountain to stargaze we went. Which is super sappy and nerdy, but we had a lot of fun with it. He made me a toy. An expensive, difficult one to get all the materials for. But he knows I enjoy the collectibles, and the toy is a minigame that I love. It was really sweet.

One thing we talked about was rp. Cause we do it in the game for fun, and I came to think of something when it comes to me larping. How he feels about me playing romance plots. Because to me, it's not a problem not to, if it makes him uncomfortable, or if he has ground rules that he'd like respected. So I asked, just in case.

And again and again, our communication is just.. So freaking satisfying. Peepers, it's like orgasmication. It's a word now. I don't have to have a struggle with this guy. We just.. Agree. He trusts me to make whatever decision I need to make a scene or a game good, and if that includes playing a romance, that's totally okay. He draws the line at involving tongue in kissing XD but so do I, so that's never an issue to begin with.

I told him that if he ever feels different about it, I need him to tell me, cause the last thing I want to do is hurt him. There's no need in me for playing romance plots. There's a need in me to make sure he's comfortable and feel like his feelings are valid, and that his needs are heard and met.

I love how these talks, that would have had me walking on eggshells and fearing landmines in my past relationship, is like.. As easy as pouring a glass of water, with M. We don't disagree. We don't snap at each other or try to undermine each other. We don't try to win. We know that winning is what happens when we find out how we agree, without anyone getting hurt. And we trust each other to take care of each other during the exchange.

It is so incredibly validating and beautiful. Not just to feel so respected and cared about, but being able to provide someone else with that sense of safety and emotional security. To know I give him the space to say anything and everything, without being scared. To know that me listening makes him feel loved. To know that me remembering and bringing up silly little details of things he tells me, much later, makes him feel cared about and connected to me.

We have moments of complete, serene silence together. When emotions become too overpowering to communicate verbally. When there's nothing we can do but smile and feel our hearts trying to escape from our chests. And it's not awkward or weird or because we have nothing to say to each other. We're just in that moment, on the same page, letting ourselves bask in a connection that speaks volumes without a sound.

He makes me laugh, so much. Maybe it's weird, but it makes me find him 1000% more sexy. And he's already pretty fucking sexy. But the brainal is real. He makes stupid puns like I do. And he snort-laughs at mine. Even when they're really stupid. But he also makes really clever remarks that have me laughing so much my neighbors probably hear me. He makes as many penis jokes as I do. We're horrible, really. But we have so much fun. And every time he makes me laugh, I want to eat his face. You know. Like people want to eat the faces of puppies and babies. Cute aggression. But then it also makes me want to jump him, cause he's just.. He's just fucking perfect for me. He's not a perfect, flawless person. Just like I'm not. But we are perfect for each other. And it makes my heart, stomach, brain, soul, mind and toes flutter and curl and fill with butterflies.

I am so freakishly obsessively in love with him. I just want more. More of him, in every way. More of us. We make each other better, we make each other want to be better. Not because we're bad. (Except.. You know. Wink wink.) But because we think the other deserves our best, every day. And it doesn't have to be an endless strive towards an unachievable goal. It just reminds us what we are and want to be for our partner.

He makes me want to be kinder, more understanding, more assertive, more passionate and compassionate. More reassuring. More loving, more caring, more thoughtful. More respectful. More confident, more selfless, but also more demanding.

He makes me want to nurture me, so I can nurture him better. He makes me believe and remember that by nurturing me, I'm already nurturing him. He makes me trust that if I ever need him, if there's something I can't do, can't handle, he'll support me and encourage me, and not let my mental defeat become an actual one. Because he believes in me. He believes I'm strong, and he believes I can do anything. He even makes me believe that, even if he didn't believe I could do something, that wouldn't mean I couldn't do it. It would just mean I proved him wrong, and he'd admire the fuck out of me for it.

For once, Peepers, being loved means to me that I'm being supported in being strong. Not that I'm strong because I'm being supported, or that I'm only supported as long as I stay strong.

I'm his queen, his goddess, his pet, his girlfriend, his best friend and the love of his life. What more could I possibly want, than to be loved like this?

I can only strive to make him feel just as loved. And judging by his own words, I do. I want this forever. For. Ever.