Now I'm a believer

Usually, this is the time of year when I write about Christmas being shitty. Don't get me wrong, it was, and I've already made plans for next year, so I have an excuse not to do the family thing. I had an anxiety attack right before dinner, and I've been exhausted for 4 days now. But.

I don't want to talk about that. I want to talk about my amazing boyfriend. I know, big surprise. I mean, I've hardly talked about him at all. Heh.
He was off the grid during Christmas, because reasons. And I'm glad, cause he would've been unable to enjoy his family time, knowing I wasn't doing well, and he'd have been focusing all his attention on me. He loves Christmas, and I wanted him to not worry. I survive, I move on, I'm always fine by new years. So everything was as it should be.

But I missed him. A lot. For selfish reasons, I wanted to be able to reach out, of course. But even if it had been an option, I think I'd have spared him. He's not afraid to be there, or unwilling. But he understands I don't want him to be a crutch. I'm stronger when I stand on my own, and I trust that time and effort are the tools I need to fix myself. I love him for respecting that. For admiring that, even.

We were kidding around a lot tonight. We decided on an ingame date, and up a mountain to stargaze we went. Which is super sappy and nerdy, but we had a lot of fun with it. He made me a toy. An expensive, difficult one to get all the materials for. But he knows I enjoy the collectibles, and the toy is a minigame that I love. It was really sweet.

One thing we talked about was rp. Cause we do it in the game for fun, and I came to think of something when it comes to me larping. How he feels about me playing romance plots. Because to me, it's not a problem not to, if it makes him uncomfortable, or if he has ground rules that he'd like respected. So I asked, just in case.

And again and again, our communication is just.. So freaking satisfying. Peepers, it's like orgasmication. It's a word now. I don't have to have a struggle with this guy. We just.. Agree. He trusts me to make whatever decision I need to make a scene or a game good, and if that includes playing a romance, that's totally okay. He draws the line at involving tongue in kissing XD but so do I, so that's never an issue to begin with.

I told him that if he ever feels different about it, I need him to tell me, cause the last thing I want to do is hurt him. There's no need in me for playing romance plots. There's a need in me to make sure he's comfortable and feel like his feelings are valid, and that his needs are heard and met.

I love how these talks, that would have had me walking on eggshells and fearing landmines in my past relationship, is like.. As easy as pouring a glass of water, with M. We don't disagree. We don't snap at each other or try to undermine each other. We don't try to win. We know that winning is what happens when we find out how we agree, without anyone getting hurt. And we trust each other to take care of each other during the exchange.

It is so incredibly validating and beautiful. Not just to feel so respected and cared about, but being able to provide someone else with that sense of safety and emotional security. To know I give him the space to say anything and everything, without being scared. To know that me listening makes him feel loved. To know that me remembering and bringing up silly little details of things he tells me, much later, makes him feel cared about and connected to me.

We have moments of complete, serene silence together. When emotions become too overpowering to communicate verbally. When there's nothing we can do but smile and feel our hearts trying to escape from our chests. And it's not awkward or weird or because we have nothing to say to each other. We're just in that moment, on the same page, letting ourselves bask in a connection that speaks volumes without a sound.

He makes me laugh, so much. Maybe it's weird, but it makes me find him 1000% more sexy. And he's already pretty fucking sexy. But the brainal is real. He makes stupid puns like I do. And he snort-laughs at mine. Even when they're really stupid. But he also makes really clever remarks that have me laughing so much my neighbors probably hear me. He makes as many penis jokes as I do. We're horrible, really. But we have so much fun. And every time he makes me laugh, I want to eat his face. You know. Like people want to eat the faces of puppies and babies. Cute aggression. But then it also makes me want to jump him, cause he's just.. He's just fucking perfect for me. He's not a perfect, flawless person. Just like I'm not. But we are perfect for each other. And it makes my heart, stomach, brain, soul, mind and toes flutter and curl and fill with butterflies.

I am so freakishly obsessively in love with him. I just want more. More of him, in every way. More of us. We make each other better, we make each other want to be better. Not because we're bad. (Except.. You know. Wink wink.) But because we think the other deserves our best, every day. And it doesn't have to be an endless strive towards an unachievable goal. It just reminds us what we are and want to be for our partner.

He makes me want to be kinder, more understanding, more assertive, more passionate and compassionate. More reassuring. More loving, more caring, more thoughtful. More respectful. More confident, more selfless, but also more demanding.

He makes me want to nurture me, so I can nurture him better. He makes me believe and remember that by nurturing me, I'm already nurturing him. He makes me trust that if I ever need him, if there's something I can't do, can't handle, he'll support me and encourage me, and not let my mental defeat become an actual one. Because he believes in me. He believes I'm strong, and he believes I can do anything. He even makes me believe that, even if he didn't believe I could do something, that wouldn't mean I couldn't do it. It would just mean I proved him wrong, and he'd admire the fuck out of me for it.

For once, Peepers, being loved means to me that I'm being supported in being strong. Not that I'm strong because I'm being supported, or that I'm only supported as long as I stay strong.

I'm his queen, his goddess, his pet, his girlfriend, his best friend and the love of his life. What more could I possibly want, than to be loved like this?

I can only strive to make him feel just as loved. And judging by his own words, I do. I want this forever. For. Ever.

The sequel..

It's been half an hour since I sent him to bed, and my heart is still fluttery and full of butterflies. I'm so smitten. I can't even. If the rest of my life consisted of just lying up against him in silence, listening to his heartbeat and just existing together.. I'd still be perfectly happy.

I miss him when he's working, when he's sleeping. Honestly, I miss him if he's quiet for even 5 minutes. I don't demand his constant attention, don't take it like that, Peepers. My heart just craves him 24/7.

I went out with some friends, and I did a rather solid attempt at not being glued to my phone the whole time. He was very well behaved, too. There was a situation that had me needing him for a bit, and one that had him needing me, but apart from that, I was pretty present at the outing. It's horrible that I'm proud of that, but right now, every second I manage to not be entirely focused on him, is impressive to me.

When I was about to go home, he was about to go to bed, but he didn't like that I was going home on my own, so he stayed up till he was sure I was home safe. And since there was an incident with some guy on the way, that was much appreciated. But he wanted to make sure I got home safe, even if he wasn't there to walk me.. How fucking adorable is that?!

Ugh, Peeeeeeperrrrs! He's so fucking good to me. All the time. He's always making sure I'm okay, that I'm happy. And if I'm even the least bit not, he listens to me and doesn't go anywhere till I am, again. It's like he's incapable of doing or saying anything wrong. For almost two months, not one word or action have been even near a line. It's like he just has this perfect picture of what I want and need and adore, and he's just acting it out. Was he made especially for me? Because it feels like that. He rarely eats breakfast, it makes him feel sick. His ears are perfect for his head. He has fucking incredible shoulders. Peepers. I mean. He doesn't like brusselsprouts. They're the evilest vegetable. He doesn't like corn, so I won't have to sort my food, ever! He doesn't like his peas touching the rest of his food, he likes that I'm a horrible winner, cause he enjoys seeing me happy and gleeful. We're both social introverts, meaning we love being social, but need alonetime to recharge. We both appreciate being alone, together, which I believe is an artform. His favorite style for women land somewhere in between dresses and knee-high socks or tights, and oversize sweaters or whatever of his I'll steal. It's like.. The direction my wardrobe has been going for the past 6 months, compiled into a few keywords. We even both love sleeping and consider it an actual activity. I could go on and on and on, it's actually rather disgusting how much were just.. On the same page.

We've talked about how we'd want to raise children. And there's one thing I've always said is mandatory if I have kids. Stability. I never want any child of mine to feel invisible or rejected. I never want my kids to feel animosity between their parents. I want them to experience love, stability even through hardship, strength in being a team, and have the time and attention that their existence demands. More than anything, I never, ever want my kids to feel ignored, neglected or abandoned, like I felt.

And him? His first priority, without me having said anything first, is being there. Being present for his kids. Taking time to talk to them, listen to them, play with them, going to their school events, taking them to football practice. Sit down and have meals together, do homework with them. To let them know they're loved and wanted. That they're safe and deserve to be cared about. I wanted to cry, legit cry, when he was talking about it.

So you ask how I know he's the one I want to have kids with? How he knows I'm the one he wants that with? Cause we don't have a doubt we can create that, together.

Piece by piece, he restores my faith.

I don't think I can let him go, ever. It's like I never really breathed before now. Like my heart only just learned how to beat. I feel like I'm finally where I'm supposed to be.

He makes me feel so wanted. So incredible wanted in every way. Heard, loved, cared about, safe, admired, understood, desired. He makes me feel appreciated, heart, Mind, body and soul. And I'm not just saying that, he really does have reason and arguments to each of those points, and he makes a point out of telling me. Every day. How I'm beautiful, how much he enjoys it when we're discussing something and I show insight he hadn't considered, how my understanding and striving to accept other people's differences is admirable to him, how my reading him like an open book makes him feel perfectly happy, cause I just get him. It's just.. Puzzle pieces. Click.

I don't even care how sappy we are. It's all-consuming and fucking beautiful from the inside. And I will enjoy every second of it, for the rest of my life, which I'll share with him.

You and me, babe. Always.

I could write a novel..

Peepers.. How is it possible? How can I never have realized that I had no idea how love felt. How it really feels. When I think back to being a teen and falling in love, I think of as much pain and tears as I do of infatuation. This desperate, needy feeling of heartbreak and sweet misery. Not that long ago, I longed for those feelings. And then later, a deeper seated love, though it feels a mockery to call it that now, calmer and rooted entirely different.

But this? I keep trying to put words to it, and there are none. None to truly capture the warmth, safety, and security that this is it. Thinking back, I remember doubt and questions and so much wondering, and even knowledge that it wouldn't be forever, and I can't help but wonder, now, what on earth I was doing back then. Because this? This is what I wanted. What I've always wanted for myself. This is why I haven't thrown myself into relationships haphazardly. This is why I haven't figured "Let's just see where it goes." Cause I've always been waiting for this.

I'm not a fate type person. But I feel like this has to be the plan, with us. He is.. Everything I've ever hoped for and far more than I deserve. He is kind and generous. He's loyal. His morals are impeccable. He's caring, curious and funny. Insanely funny. And so smart. But he's not arrogant, and he doesn't talk down to anyone. He's respectful and gives room, he doesn't need to be the center of attention. He's reserved, but in the way that he's private, not that he doesn't want to share. He let's me in. And he'd protect our privacy with his life, if he had to. Cause our comfort means the world to him.

He can be a little shy, and it only makes it that much more important to me to make sure we can talk about things. And we do. I never try to force anything, I don't push him at all. I lay down a safe path for him, and he can use it if he wants, or not. I think the knowledge that "not" is a perfectly good answer, is what has him take those steps, every time.

He's protective of me. And he's very mindful not to make that uncomfortable for me. There's a balance, and he takes my cues as to where the line is, without objection. Because my comfort and respecting my limits is more important to him, than some notion of pride or principle. In turn, I make sure to respect his feelings and not to challenge his self-proclaimed shortcomings. The fact that he feels he has flaws, doesn't mean I can't be considerate. I'm only glad to make him comfortable.

He's a real macho guy. I never really went for that before, but this guy has proved any stereotype I might have boxed him into, wrong. He's tall and strong and handsome, he's shaped like a freaking Action Man. But his smile makes my knees buckle. The way his eyes just warm up and those dimples come out.. I melt. He's the sweetest person. He just wants me safe and happy and healthy.

We create safe spaces for each other so easily. There's nothing we can't talk about. We both value honesty so highly, it's better to just get things out there, and process them, than to try and hide them. We trust each other. And I don't trust easily, Peepers, we all know that.

He puts me first. That in itself is.. I've never felt like that before. He is the least selfish being I've ever met. This guy would hands down take a bullet for me. Not that I'd ever let him, obviously, but there's no doubt in me that he'd do a John Smith if one came flying.

I know he's the One, Peepers. This goes above and beyond any belief I've ever had before. It's not just "He's going to be part of my life". It's "This is the man I'll marry. This is the father of my future kids. This is the man I'm going to grow old with.", and I feel calm and patient because of it. Because I know that's where my life is heading. Towards amazing adventures with this wonderful, crazy, beautiful, fantastic Finn.

It may seem insane to some, how sure I am. But they don't know how right this is. How we're two parts of one piece, that were just waiting to find eachother. I don't expect anyone who hasn't felt this way to understand. Before I felt it, I didn't believe it either. It's just.. This is how the world is now. My world, his world.. Our world. Incapable of even being, without eachother. It's not even one of those.. "I need him" things. I also need him. But it's deeper than that. I belong with him, and he with me. Every step, every choice since we first talked, back when he taught me how to dps better, of all things.. They've led us here. Through relationships, breakups, hardship and growing as human beings. There was always a reason we didn't lose contact. This reason.

I wonder if we'll have to invite the Vanguard for the wedding, ha!

I just know it. He'll be my husband, and I'll be his wife. And it'll be the best thing we ever decided. I love him. It's that simple. Every part of him, every detail, every flaw and undiscovered particle. I love him.

Our story.

Oh Peepers.. Words fucking fail me. You know?

I spend every minute I can, talking to him. And when I'm not talking to him, I want to. And if I can't talk to him, I talk about him. And when I'm not talking about him, I'm waiting for the opportunity to talk about him again. It's maddening, but I can't not. I'm obsessed. And luckily, people are happy for me and they tolerate it. And also, I go "Okay, okay, enough." and change the subject a lot, I know my inner pinkness doesn't have to be everything. Balance!

I'm just so in love with him. And he is with me, too. We're exactly in the same place. This.. "Fuck this is fast and crazy and downright insane, but it's the most intense we've ever felt!" place. I fucking adore him. I admire his ability to let go of the past, his strength to move on and his desire to choose happiness. His curiosity, his senses adventure. Even the way he is adventurous. How he is inviting me in, rather than pulling me, yet holding back for my input. How he can just let it go and regroup, if there's not a mutual interest. Cause his interest is in being excited about it together, equally.

Talking politics with him is even interesting. He's not trying to teach me or tell me where I'm wrong. He's not trying to tell me anything. He listens, and shares how he feels and believes. In truth, we're very similar, and I'm so thankful our societies are so similar that we easily relate to each other's opinions. We share a lot of ideologies and opinions, except where he is slightly more practically oriented, I'm a little more humanity oriented. But the beauty is we bother understand that both things matter and are relevant, and we don't have a need to convince each other to value differently. It's very harmonic, we compliment each other.

That's true in so many facets of us. Our thoughts and opinions combined, spread out so nicely it offers a very nuanced picture, that doesn't conflict, but still leaves enough to be discussed that it's interesting and engaging.

He is so amazing, Peepers. He is so eager to make me happy, and it's entirely mutual. He says himself that he's easy to please, but I make him happier than he thought he was even capable of, and it's constant for him now. There are barriers broken for both of us, on that account. I've torn down those restrictions like a freaking jackhammer.

He worships my confidence. And that sounds so conceited to enjoy, but it's not the spotlight I'm interested in, about it. It's the deep seated recognition that I know he would never tear me down. That he supports me. That even the thought of anyone trying to undermine me pisses him off. Yet he respects me enough that he knows I'd want to, and am capable of, handling something like that myself.

I love that he feels safe talking to me. Insecurities, bad memories, things that he'd be afraid I'd get hurt about. That it only takes a little bit of encouragement from me, to make him open up entirely. He wants to be mindful of me, but there's nothing he could tell me, of his past, which is mostly what it's about, I'd be hurt about. It's part of him, it all contributed to shape who he is, and I respect that. And those insights are invaluable to me. I learn so much about him, every single day, it makes me feel that much more for him.

He has so entirely swept me off my feet. And I've done the same to him. We both feel dumb that we could ever have believed this wasn't possible, this intensity of emotion. But then, we also agree that everything till now was just prologue to our story.

M&C, Chapter 1.

I fell so hard I'm almost dying..

Yeah. So. It's totally official. I'm in love. Deeply, maddeningly, heartbreakingly, disgustingly adorably in love. Like.. We talk 10+ hours a day. I'm trying to remind us both about social lives and responsibilities, but honestly, we both just want to be in our pink bubble and ignore the world.

Oh Peepers. He is.. He is everything that's good and sweet and funny and sexy and adorable, all rolled into one perfect burrito with my name on it. I can honestly say I have never felt this strongly, this fast, and I have never been this unafraid for it to grow even more, and become the perfect relationship that I know it will be. Yes. Relationship. We're there. A month in, and we're there.

He called me girlfriend today. Casually, in the middle of conversation. So I had to ask. Am I? And he asked if I wanted to be. And the rest is history. And I'm so fucking giddy I could just float around like a pink little cloud. He, like me, is private when it comes to his family, cause they're nosy and asks questions. Yet today, at family dinner, he was so uncharacteristically cheerful his dad caught onto something going on, his mom instantly inquired as to whether it meant he was dating someone, and later he relented and told his dad he is indeed involved with someone. AND THAT'S ME, PEEPERS! IT'S ME, AND IM SO FUCKING EXCITED ABOUT IT!

He's seeing his brother tomorrow, and planning on telling him, too. I told a get friends last night, including a mutual friend who's known him way longer than me, and never have I seen such excitement! He was so freaking happy for us, it only made me even more giggly and giddy.

So, tonight, I went and did it. I made it facebook official. I'm in a relationship. I'm in a relationship with an amazing guy, that I've known for like.. 7 or 8 years, and while we were never here before, we're certainly here now.

And it may be wrong to compare, Peepers, but I'm serious. Feeling this way, makes any crush, infatuation, love or relationship I've been in before feel dusty, colorless and dull. This is a kaleidoscope of color and light and warmth, and I can't even contain it. It makes my face hurt and my heart feel the size of an elephant. Not like it's too small to feel it all, like it's just growing and growing to accommodate.

I've said I love you, a month in. I have never said those words so quickly, nor so truly. I don't care if it's fast. It's what I feel. And I am so fucking fortunate that he feels it too. All the shit we've both been through, all the hardship we've had.. Karma needed to balance it out, before we could meet on common grounds. Not while we were both in unhealthy relationships, though even then, we were drawn to each other. Not while we were both broken hearted and complete emotional messes. But now. Now that we're ready to be the best we can be, for and with each other. Now that we can see how every little choice and coincidence led us here. Now that all those stray thoughts and all the wondering over the years make sense. Cause we weren't meant to forget, we weren't meant to leave each other's lives. We were meant for each other.

Peepers. My stomach is doing backflips and telling me I found the one. The first one and the last one. The only one. The one I've been missing the entire time. And I feel all this a month in. 7 or 8 years.. And a month ;)