About roleplaying

So, lately I've been feeling restless. I went to CoW and I had another magical experience there, it was really much closer to the excitement of 1+2, and nowhere near the disappointment of 5. But since coming home.. I dunno.

I've been text rp'ing with a bunch of friends since TDC died, in different universes and different themes. But I guess I'm feeling more and more bleh about it. It's the same stories told, in different ways, I feel. I'm finding myself straying here and there and not really feeling like there's a point, that it's just passing time with whatever for the reason of being bored, and there's not the story arch I'd like to see happen. No development. I feel like either not moving at all, or skipping straight to the goal.

What I lack, I believe, is a more structured game. Something with rules and guidelines, and someone to be the resistance that makes sure I don't succeed in everything. That's something I really like about systembased roleplay, sometimes you fail. And that offers an opportunity to get creative and find different solutions to what seemed obvious, but wasn't quite so.

I'm missing the excitement of walking into something you have no idea whether is a treasure room or a trap. I miss solving riddles and trying to navigate social situations with what my character sheet offers of opportunity and obstacles, and maneuvering those to the best of my knowledge and pure dumb luck.

And I could have that with the snap of my fingers, really, I know a lot of people who do tabletop campaigns. But I really want to do it with the girls, and one of them just isn't interested in doing rule based rp. And I'm finding it to be a real motivatin killer for me. And I think I'd be more understanding if it was because she'd tried a few systems and decided it's just not her thing. But deciding, based on seeing one really difficult system being played, not participating.. I dunno, it bothers me. Especially cause all the games I'm feeling like playing are D10 systems with GM guidance as to what, how many and when. It's a super easy place for a beginner to get started, and once you've played once or twice, most of the system sticks.

I think it's cause I have a theory she's afraid she won't understand it, and that she'll feel defeat. Or that sitting with people who have played before is too intimidating to try it out. And it bums me out that she's basically admitting defeat without even giving it a go. Cause I think she would have a lot of fun with it.

I remember when I was starting out, when the ex invited me to play with him and a few guys, for the first time. I had no idea what I was doing. Absolutely none. And I was pretty clueless for a while, but listening to them do their thing was so fascinating, I just let their story carry me along. And slowly, I started participating more and more, until one day, when I realized my character was now the glue that held the group together. (Not the same campaign, we had progressed and played an entirely different system.) Because once I understood no one would judge me for doing something weird, I was more willing to take chances and be more creative, and I still remember the first time I made a good friend gawk and then break out in uncontrollable laughter, that set the whole group going. That was the moment I knew I had become just as good as them. And I hadn't even noticed.

But the thing is I had a group that took care of me, showed me how, didn't try to ridicule me when I made a mistake, but just showed me how to do it right, and on we went. They'd answer my questions and had my back. And I really wish my friend would let me help her have a similar entrace into this world.

That's another thing.. I've never truly GM'ed. I've had an idea in mind to try it out, for ages.. But I've never made the step. I guess when I stopped seeing the E's, I didn't feel like I really had anyone who would let me? I still miss them. Not just playing with them, but that too. Our group dynamic was so good, and we just flowed so perfectly when we got going.
Anyways. I really wanted to try GM'ing with the girls, and maybe the guys, too, at some point.

And I think the disappointment of that just.. not being an option, is really what I need to work through, before I can progress from here.

So. That's what I needed to get off my mind for tonight. Now I'll go back to doing laundry and reorganizing my books again again again.

Why didn't I do this years ago?

Hi Peepers!

This job thing is kinda confusing. Not the part where someone pays me and I do things. The part where the customer keeps changing things, however.. That's challenging. Not impossible, but challenging.

I'm waiting for an update on their most recent changes. Which is annoying, cause I was supposed to go shopping for the next part today, but in stead, I've been told to take the day off, eat ice cream and try not to go murderous. (Boss man is very murderous by now. I recommended a hack'n'slash and a beer after work.)

So right now, I'm... actually lazing about. Doing some planning on what to get at the fabric store for Lock'ed Treasures. I have a few things to ask them. I ordered a huge load of materials the other day, so I'll have packages rolling in from later this week. Oh, yeah, I was granted a donation to get the business rolling, so all the money I've been setting aside and saving and stuff, have pretty much been doubled. Which is awesome. Apart from the MagicSkirt project, I'm developing a line of one-of-a-kind capes and cloaks. They'll be a two-in-one collection. I came up with a design the other day, and I think it's pretty cool. To begin with, I'll be looking into what materials I already have, and use that. Mostly to perfect the design, but also to thin out a bit. I have too much stuff.

The idea sprung from a piece of fabric I already have, and the fact that I found another one (was like 6$) that complimented it perfectly, but in a different color. They're so pretty and soft, and makes me think of nature and elfs and hunters or rangers. So I definitely want to do one with those. I can't buy stuff for the desert project, but I'm going to the store anyway, to look at sale items. And to talk to them about buying in bulk. Oh, I just thought about an online store I wanted to revisit when I had enough funds.. I should do that too.

So much excitement, Peepers! First round of MagicSkirts should be available in September, but I have so many other things I want to launch, too. Smaller projects, that I don't have to wait for materials to do.

Just you wait!

Work work work!

Peepers!

Today is payday! Yay! I also have a meeting about another job for the same employer, at 15.00. More yay! That means more paychecks, which means more funding for Lock'ed Treasures! It also means I can finally go grocery shopping without having to be careful with /every/ penny. Which I've been looking forward to since I decided to do the sewing business thing. Not that I've been starving, I've just had to prioritize for a while, and I'll have a bit more freedom now. Looks like I will be hired until October (for now), but I don't know for sure till after the meeting.

I've been doing research on pricing and doing budgets and started drawings on the collections for the Lock'ed Treasures Fairytale Collection. Prices will be around 300$ pr skirt. Some will be 260-ish, some 340-ish, but 300 is a good approximate price. I never said these things wouldn't be pricy, after all XD I've done the timeline for the collections, too, so I'll have to work extra hard the first couple of months, to do both the work for Rollespilsfabrikken, Lock'ed Treasures, and the things I'm doing for people for CoW, including my own ball gown. Yikes. Full time job coming up!

Yay! And fuck XD I have a business. That's crazy. And scary. Cause it's not a sure thing, you know? It depends on people wanting to buy my things. I'll be judged by my work, and it'll determinate my income. That's insane and terrifying and exciting and I just freaking hope I can do this. I so want to. 26 designs are ready, more to come. I need to add two designs to the Animal Collection, but I'm not sure what I'll do apart from the two planned ones.. I'm fiddling with one, but I'm not sure about it yet. But it also depends on what materials are available.

Argh! Cross your fingers, Peepers! This is my future!

Building My Own Business

Heading for the gym alone today, my training buddy doesn't feel well. But hey, our dance class got cancelled again (third time!) and there's no way I'm doing step alone. We were going to do one class after the other, but it'll just be me, running. And a bit of weights and rowing.

But first, using the daylight for my current job. I'm still working on the big Desert Project. If what I'm doing gets approved, the design will be sent to be produced for 600 people, and that's pretty freaking awesome. I finally figured out how to do the tabard, so it plays into what the boss wants, and I'm very happy with the result of my test piece. So now it's all about choosing materials and making the real thing. Half the pieces I'm making are incredibly easy, but one of them is more complicated. It's mostly the desert part. What the heck do you wear to those kinds of degrees, you know? Fabric wise, that is, the design is decided. And the color scheme.

I'm enjoying this, working on my own time, in my own home, and being not only the creative decision-maker (within limits set by our customer), but also knowing that what I'm making will be sent out into the world and worn by so many. It feels accomplished. And if the customer is happy with my test outfit, I'll have a job until October, which will secure a cashflow that can fund my designs for Lock'ed Treasures.

I'm SO excited to dive into that. The pile of ideas, the amount of drawings just waiting to be created, is insane. I have my first 6 collections planned out. 4-5 pieces in each. Starting with Autumn then Winter, Christmas, Spring, Valentine's and finally Summer. I'm also working on an Animal Kingdom collection, but so far it only has two designs. I'm considering taking some time out of my workday today, and doing an actual timeline for those, so I have approximate deadlines for each collection.

But! I need to order materials before production can begin. And once I have the monetary means, I need to have a banner made for Etsy and FB. The most costly collection is the winter one, by far, so I know I can't do a standardized price, as I originally intended. Maybe I'll do a standard and a deluxe? Gotta do some math first.

Anyway, Peepers. I gotta get back to work. Have a nice day!

A bit about love and thunder

Hi Peepers.

Tonight I'm in a bit of a weird mood. I've had a good day, I had a good friend over (We were supposed to go to the gym, but I haven't been feeling well cause the humidity is through the roof, so I can't breathe very well. Gym seems a bad move) and we had dinner and just chilled. Earlier I did some cleaning and went to get some plants for the balcony. And now I'm lying on my couch, watching the lightning and listening to the rain and the thunder outside. The balcony door is open so I can really enjoy it, and I turned off the lights and the TV. Enjoying the silence.

I guess I'm nostalgic. Something about this reminds me of when A and I first started dating, and I kinda miss it. Not that, in particular, but the initial stages of being with someone new. I miss going for a walk in the summer rain, coming home and huddling together to watch a movie under blankets. I miss how the smell of rain and the atmospheric tension before thunder makes the feeling of being in love more intense. I don't know why, but it does. I miss having someone to share some of these moments with, lying in the dark and just marvelling at nature's beauty together.

I recently had a very unexpected realisation that I'm ready to fall in love again. There was a specific situation, where my attraction to someone made me think it all the way through, imagining if I could even see myself with that person. And until now, it's been a no, when I've done that with anyone, after A and I broke up. It hasn't happened. And then, recently, it did.

And it's not about the specific person, cause that's not happening anyway (for various practical reasons), it was just the realisation that if it happened, if I fell for them, that would be okay. It wouldn't be a "NOPE, NOT READY!" situation.

Actually, I kinda freaked out about it when I realized, and freaked out a friend too, because my reaction was so overwhelming, compared to my usually more composed attitude, these days. But it was just so weird to feel relaxed and open about the possibility. So basically I freaked out about not freaking out. Well, Peepers, you know I'm a little nutty, so you're not surprised, are you?

I'm still not in a place where I'm thinking "Omg, I totes needs a Tinder profile!". Okay, I'll probably never think that, but you know what I mean. I'm just open to things happening if they happen. That's all.

That said, if it has to happen, I wouldn't mind it being the person who made me realize.. Which makes me a bad human, so I'll just go scrub that image out of my mind.

Don't get hurt if you fall, Peepers.

About being high in demand

Hi Peepers! It's been awhile, huh? I'm not really in a blogging mood, these days. However, I want to mention a curious thing that happened tonight. I was basically friendship broken up with XD You might find it weird that I'm not more upset than I am, but I have to say the circumstances make me very okay with it.

The guy is someone who has previously showed more than friendly interest in me, and as a result, I've put a bit of distance between us, cause I haven't wanted to encourage him when I'm not interested.
Tonight I contacted him for role-playing reasons. And he seemed a bit.. Off. Dismissive, really. But since I didn't really feel like digging into it, I shrugged it off and ended the conversation. However, he wrote me and said he didn't think we should talk so much (which is drastically overstating the level of communication, really), cause he felt like he was investing more in our interactions than I was. And then also something about me pushing some very positive buttons in him, and knowing it's not mutual. So he doesn't think we should talk.

See, I'm diplomatic enough that I just told him I respect that, and thank you for telling me. Cause, and this is very true, I value the honesty. Which is why I didn't give him grief about the signal he's sending.

I don't have the amount of time that he would like me to invest in the relationship. And if I did, I wouldn't. He's a nice guy, he's just not someone I feel comfortable getting too close to. I don't know why, it's just that spidey sense kinda thing. And I'm just not interested in more. Also, the way I do friendship isn't as static as a lot of people make it.

I'm not an overly social person. And seeing people 3-4 times a week may be a breeze to some, but to me, that's almost too much. So let's say I have 7-8 friends I see on a regular basis. It may take me a month to rotate them. And sometimes I see some of them more than once, sometimes I switch it up and go out in groups, sometimes I have several people over, and sometimes I feel so overstimulated socially, that I can't see anyone at all for awhile. But it makes social interaction complicated for me. Because seeing people I don't have an established relationship or routine with, makes me anxious. How do I fit them into the matrix of seeing people, how do I interact with them, for how long and how often? What are their expectations?

In this case.. I can't help but think that my efforts were not enough. And they were only valued as long as there was a chance of them turning into more. Which, admittedly, for a short while, there was. But me thinking someone is attractive doesn't equal me yearning for them. Sometimes it's a very shortspanned window. And sometimes I don't want to act on it.

And that is okay. It's my right. It's my right to juggle friends and suitors how I want, according to how close I want them in my life. Which is also why I respect if someone pulls back. Cause I can't fulfill a lot of people's expectations and demands. But it's not something I can change, just like that. And I've learned to live with that. I've known it since I was 16.

So I'm okay with being "broken up" with. I can't cater to everyone. And noone should have to, you know?

Ember over and out.

Bah.

In 7 hours, I'll have my hair cut. In 6 hours, I'll watch my mom have hers cut. In 5 hours, I should be up and getting dressed. I've been in my bed for two hours, trying to sleep. No such luck. My brain won't turn off.

All the social stuff resulted in an explosion last night. That is, 28-ish hours ago, not just 5-6 hours ago. M talked to B and I about the older friend. After talking for about an hour, we finally agreed that it just wasn't working with her in the group. There are just too many issues. Playing style, sensitivity, difficulty taking critique and a lack of ability to tell fantasy and reality apart.

B was in tears, feeling like the attacks would never stop, no matter what we do. There's still no concrete answer to what it is we're doing wrong, what it is we need to change. There's a lot of explanations of how she is feeling, but nothing that B and I can actually do anything about, without either stopping our friendship or being somebody else. Those are not viable solutions to anything.

And M agreed. He was of course sad that we had to hurt her by telling her to kindly leave the group, but he felt sure it was the lesser of many evils, and would probably spare her in the long run.

I love him for wanting to help fix things. But I hate that he was drawn into a conflict that wasn't his. It hurts me to see him uncomfortable. And it was completely unnecessary to bring it up to him like that. It pisses me off, frankly. Also, the whole poking an open sore, thing.. What is up with that?! Leave the damn issue alone till we're not fucking choking on it. It's like being hit over the head with an invisible stick once a week. You can't identify it, but it still fucking hurts. Leave it alone till you know what the issue is, already. That's when it becomes a "me" problem and not a "you" one. When you don't know what exactly it is that's wrong. Because so very often, it's cause you're turning your own feelings into other peoples flaws. I was in a very long relationship where my significant other did this all the freaking time. I know what it looks like, and I won't be on the other end of it anymore.

Of course, I have a theory about the nature of the issue. My old friend and B just don't click. And I believe that O (for old friend, just to make it easier) can't come to terms with that. And so when B and I click like puzzle pieces, O gets insecure. She casts us as a unit, and because we usually agree, it comes off as a united front. Now combine this with both of us being admins, both of us being some of the people who let O know when she does something wrong or there's something off about her playing (she's not the only one we correct, but she is certainly the most reluctant to just do what we're asking, which gets tiring), and you have a person who has put herself in the role of 'victim'.

I do agree that I have had some personal annoyance about her, cause I'm getting worn out by talking about nothing, all day, every day. I'm not that girl. I'm not a cuddly sympathetic pat-you-on-the-head person. I can be, if you are otherwise a stimulating enough human being that you're generally energizing me. Having interesting conversations, meaningful ones, silly and funny ones. I'll do the same for you, then. AND be sympathetic when you need it. I'll write you a freaking song when you're sad.

Smother me, and I'm out. Bore me, and I'll dial down talking to you. I have a set limit of energy, and I need to use it where it'll also energize me to invest it. M and B are my main sources for that right now. They talk to me cause they have something to say, not just to say something, and there's a huge difference.

Friendships are, to me, not static. They fluctuate. And that's okay. Pointing out a friendship is at a low point in fluctuation, doesn't help anyone with anything. And beating someone over the head with it all the time, is even worse. It kills it.

I don't know where this will leave O and I. Right now, I just want silence. Cause hearing about how being me makes me a horrible person isn't working for me.

All these fucking social things..

Hi Peepers.

I know, I know. "You rarely write anymore!" I know! I'm just busy. I'm juggling school, a very active social life (I see people like 4 times a week!), continuous insomnia, roleplay (loads of it!), housework (doing some projects around the house and being better at keeping things tidy), and being overburdened with.. Well. I don't know what to even call it. Social issues.

There's been two events that have been major for me. They all have had so many aspects, that it seems like more than two, but essentially it can be boiled down to that.

One is a streak of miscommunication with M. We're working on it, though. I guess it dawned on us that we can't rely on the other one always reading our mind, and we actually do need to communicate clearly sometimes, cause we ran head first into two events, one that hurt him and one that hurt me, from pure lack of acknowledging that we needed to talk about them. One was an assumption. I found a boundary I wasn't aware I had, by him crossing it, and it gave me an anxiety attack when my alarm signals didn't make him back off. I hadn't been able to communicate them clearly, and he hadn't read them as I intended them, and I've completely forgiven him. I know he would never in a million years knowingly cross my boundaries or hurt me. And he was almost in tears, shaking and heart pounding, fearing I'd never talk to him again. So I calmed him down, and calmed me down, and the next day, we talked it out, apologized, made a plan for the future, and solidly fixed it. Which was very comforting and nice. It makes both of us trust ourselves and our ability to maintain our friendship, more.

The other, which hurt him, was a misconception, and my defensiveness, which I hadn't realized had spread to him. I play this character, Sach, at our pirate thing. And Sach is not the most liked guy, cause he has a temper, and tends to make a decision and just run with it. I can't really boil it down to a short version, so here's the longer one.

Sach was the guy who was happy and uncomplicated, who was a regular sailor on board, who had sex with any willing woman, and a few men, and never let himself feel. His background is tragic. Lost the girl he wanted to marry to a richer suitor, against her will, but had one night with her before the wedding. New husband takes her far way when he realizes (she was pregnant, but that's not official knowledge, and Sach doesn't know, now, 18 years later), and Annabel dies in childbirth less than a year later.

Sach is of course drowning his sorrows in rum and women, never ever wanting to get attached again. He rejects any talk about feelings or futures together, even with the people close to him, his friends. He just can't.

Then Natalia, a Spanish woman, is found drifting at sea. And in a matter of days, the two fall irrevocably in love. And everyone are against the union, because Sach, confused as he is, handles it horribly. He's suddenly jealous for the first time in his life, and he has no idea how to handle that emotion, so he turns possessive around her. She doesn't mind. That's the only level of dedication she's willing to accept from a man, if he really wants her. In all ways, shapes and forms, the two are actually perfect for each other. But their good sides are the ones they keep private. The love, the compassion, the way they grow together, happens all behind closed doors, and the rest of the crew only sees all the ugly.

Now.. That whole thing has inspired a few key players to think Sach a horrible guy. Which, combined with me having to employ him as an admin tool for hard decisions, makes no one see when he does good, anymore. So I have to now play this.. Charm offensive. Which is so softcore that I want to puke, but I have to show his best side for a while. And it's not like he doesn't have the motivation, cause he was just given it, big time. He also just married Nat.

Anyway. Because I've been so tired of only defending Sach for like.. Two months now, I don't talk about him, unmotivated. I don't take initiative. And because I haven't, M has felt very excluded. Cause we usually discuss character development in detail. For hours. And help each other and make suggestions. And it makes us better, we're such a good team. But because I've felt so defensive, I've efficiently cut him off from my process, without even noticing. So today, we spent 3 hours just talking about it, and he finally understood the character. Which was key to the conversation. M had gotten to a point of not getting it, that made him not really want to play with Sach, and that statement made me so freaking sad I can't even.

The amazing thing about M, is that we can discuss any problem, and we find a solution. That the mere act of taking it up and listening to each other, is healing. Because we don't play the blame game. We explain, and we listen, and we make an effort to reach eachother. I feel like this is how it should feel to discuss things in any healthy relationship. It's how I want to do it, always.

Now.. The second event is about my new friend, B. She is amazing, and we click so well it's kinda scary. We're more alike than anyone else I know, and we have this joke that we're really clones. Which isn't true, we have our differences, but we have a startling amount of things in common, and we communicate much in a similar way. Very direct. She openly idolizes me a little, and I adore her, and laugh it off.

Anyway. I have a friend I've known a longer time, who met B at the same time as me. B and I clicked even before we met, and from the second she entered my apartment, we just grew attached. My older friend seems to feel a little left out, but the way she's expressing it is really difficult to deal with. And I don't know what to even say, anymore. I feel like the older friend wants her connection with us both to equal mine and B's, and somehow make the three of us a unit. Like I can't have a separate friendship with B, that doesn't include her. And that's really hard for me to tolerate. I want to be friends with whomever I want, however I want. And I don't want to apologize for it. I don't make deep connections with people very often, and B and I got deep with a snap of the fingers.

It's like the older friend is being really passive aggressive, and taking feelings that she should be the one working on, out on us. For being who we are, and being it in the same room, or in the same forum. And it makes me so fucking angry. Especially cause she then takes a victim role. The fact that we agree, B and I, doesn't make her a victim. I get why it feels that way, because she's unsure of herself, but there's only that much we can do.

And yes, we both get annoyed with her. The more she feels left out, the harder she pushes to redirect focus to her, and it feels fake and attention seeking. Something I, at least, find irritating, when one can just ask to change the subject so they can join in.

I dunno, maybe I'm just tired of arguing. Mostly cause there's never just an "Okay" with her. It's always "Okay, but..." and even the acknowledgment of other people's issues with her, has to be followed up by excuses (not explanations) in stead of acceptance. And when she says she understands, she ventures into an excuse that shows she doesn't, by the pure fact that she starts one. It's aggravating, and it's making me not want to listen.

And of course, that loops it all up nice and neat. Cause me drawing away makes her push harder, talk more, listen less. Or to just do a hands off approach, which makes me not want to do anything at all about it, cause it pisses me off.

And the whole thing is just draining, so now I'm ignoring it till it goes away. I've tried to listen, I've tried to explain, but the one with a problem asks for a solution but have nothing to offer other than "Don't be who you are, together". And that's not really an option.

The first disagreement (not fight) and something about my emotional filing system

I feel like I'm totally neglecting my blog these days. Happy new years!

I guess I'm kinda busy doing things. I've been spending a lot of time running TCD lately, and been doing a lot of planning and paper work and structural designs.

I've also made a new friend, who I met through there, and been doing some flirting with an acquaintance from a different roleplay thing.

Honestly, this blog is generally going to be about guys, friends, moral dilemmas, discomfort, and how I perceive friendship and attraction. And it might be really long. It's definitely going to be very honest, yet as usually, discreet.

So let's start with the moral dilemmas and discomfort. At TCD we are four admins. We run a democracy, though as founders, mine and M's opinions are final. However, the whole reason we wanted to be more than just us, came into play. "What if we someday disagree on an issue?"

A player decided to leave, because of the presence of another person, who was let in to observe. The two have a history, apparently. No one was aware. The player is then deceitful, manipulative and very dramatic about the observers presence, and has been making suggestions the admin group should do something, though not wanting to disclose what the problem is or who it was about (I guessed this part, but it wasn't confirmed till the leaving-incidence).

The player has made some very grave accusations towards the observer. Not by openly contacting the admins about it, but by going to one admin and disclosing it in a "one player to another" type communication, then, depending on what they were saying, either wished brought up or held from, in this case, me specifically. I expect this is because I am friends with the observer on FB.

Now, M thinks the player is important to us, while I have come to have doubts recently (unrelated to the issue). My concerns are based on character creation, playing style, dependability and inclusion, and the player's lack of ability to satisfactorily fulfill what I think to be a minimum of standards on those areas. They have been active and consistent and enthusiastic, yes, but I'd rather have good players than many players.

Of course, the observer has a different take on the conflict than the player. And as such, I don't really care who is truthful. As a human, I care that both of them have been hurt somehow, and I'm sure both stories are true to some extent, from their point of view. But as an admin of a roleplaying group, that is none of my business.

The player has made it clear that unless the observer is made to leave, then the player will leave. Based upon the accusations the player has made, and the fact that the observer's presence makes the player feel unsafe.

I really, really do not think this is something the admins should get into. I don't want to be the judge of any conflict that is entirely outside of my forum. This is a past personal thing that happened between two people, unrelated to the group I co-created and am now running. It has no place in TCD. And by siding with any of them, to let them stay and making the other go, I feel like I am siding with their part of the conflict.

The admins discussed. M, the amazing, wonderful person that he is, deems it better to take the supposed victims side, chancing that it's better to back them up and make them feel worthwhile and appreciated, and maybe only denting the observer's feelings, than keeping the observer, who has btw kept from participating partly in respect of the player, and letting the player go, which was her initial choice.

I do not want to take sides. I suggested that the only truly fair way of doing things would be by treating them the same. Let both stay and have them figure out what they want, respectively, or ask both to go and just not be part of the drama.

One admin decided they didn't want to be part of voting at all. They were too uncomfortable with it to participate, and we all respected that. And the one left sided with M. So I'm bowing to our democracy, with a sour taste in my mouth.

I'd like to point out that this does not influence my friendship with any of the admins. This was a professional vote. And I'm mentally separating it from my personal life with anyone involved.

But I went offline, after telling them I need someone else to take my spot as lead admin of discussing of the aforementioned issues in playing, with this player. This is a player who have specifically asked to have things held from me, in a conflict. Who have continued to pursue having someone else kicked out, after initially being told that we don't do that for personal reasons. Who have contacted only part of the administration to plead their case. Who haven't been open or honest about their issue, but who have been underhanded and manipulative about it.

I am forced to back up the decision, but I will not be the one to tell the observer that they have to leave. I told M he's taking that one himself. It probably won't be a huge deal, but I can't do it convincingly and pretend I'm okay with it. I had to leave fir the night, because what I felt was being forced into a position of being a vigilante.

It is not my job to enforce social repercussions to a person who is accused but not proved guilty. I am not saying whether they did or didn't do it, because that is not my place. I will not be a judge. I will not be a vigilante.

I thought of the movie Jagten. I will not be the supermarket who denies a man buying groceries. I will not throw things at anyone lying down. If a crime was committed, let the police decide who is guilty. If a heart was broken, let time mend it. If a mind was breached, build it up and let it heal. But don't throw tinned tomatoes at anyone in my supermarket. It's not our job.

So that was long, but I needed to get it out. I'll talk to M about it, too. The decision has been made, but I need him to know how I feel. And I know he'll appreciate me saying this, and not holding it in. It's how we work. I know that he wanted the only thing he could morally defend. Siding with the potential victim. And I admire and respect him so greatly for holding onto that, despite me not agreeing with him. Because I believe potentially criminalizing someone is creating a victim as well, and who are we to decide? M is my best human. Not just friend, just the best, most humane person I have ever known. I trust him explicitly. And like he said about this, we're close enough that disagreeing morally won't hurt us. I am kinda hurting, though. And I'll be okay with that, as long as he will listen to me and try to understand. And I know he will.

With that, I will change the subject. But we'll stay on M for a bit more. I was recently asked about this whole friendship thing with him. He visited me right before Christmas, and a friend of mine asked if his girlfriend would be with him, to which I answered no, cause she had other plans.
And I met the face of "Oh, scandal! Indiscretion!". And, once again, I delved into the tale of being platonic with someone, and how it's not an urban myth. And the conversation that followed was just.. Weird. It went something like.
"So you're not at all attracted to him?"
"He's good looking, that doesn't mean I'm attracted."
"What if he was single? Would that make a difference."
"Why are we even having this conversation?"
"I just don't understand what's going on."
"... I have a friend, that's what's going on. Jesus."
"Seriously, what if he was single. Would it change things?"
"No. I'd have to refile him into a different folder, and that would be a huge mess, and he means too much, and I don't even want to consider it, so I'll never know, you'll never know, now stop asking stupid questions and kindly accept that I can have male friends without wanting to fuck them, okay?"
"..... What do you mean, 'refile him into another folder'?"

It never occurred to me, before. (M is not important to the rest of this, it was just my exasperation at someone yet again suggesting this, that made me snap and thereby have a mini-epiphany about my way of navigating attraction.)

That is exactly what I do. I have a filing system, in my head. I'm not too sure about all the categories yet, but I identified "friends", "close platonic", "acquaintance", "physically but not otherwise attractive", "mentally but not physically attractive", "ew", "datable", "family", "danger", "I choose you" and "strip now!".

I rarely ever refile anyone, once they're in a file. You could say I have a very complex friendzoning system. Though it's more of a relationship (not necessarily the dating kind) matrix. For an example, if I'm not attracted within the first 10-15 minutes of meeting someone, they'll probably always be in one of the not-datable categories. A breakup is one of the things that'll cause a refiling. Or a break of trust. I guess a bat to the face could probably take someone out of the physically attractive category, if it went bad enough. But someone like M is in the close platonic folder. And it would take conscious effort for me to pull his file out and put it elsewhere. And I have absolutely no reason to do that.

So this made me think about the whole.. Me controlling whether I allow myself to have feelings for someone thing. That is tied into only allowing certain feelings in certain folders. I have to actively put someone in the folder of "datable" or, if that works, "I choose you". Then I can feel shit.

How fucked up is that? No wonder I rarely fall in love. I don't allow myself to.

I have a lot of reflecting to do on that. And it's almost 8 am Peepers. Good morning to you, good night to me.